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Sunny2's avatar

What has made your marriage last?

Asked by Sunny2 (18817points) February 2nd, 2011

We were sitting around a table at a wedding celebration, all of the couples having been married at least 30 years. Someone asked, “What has held our marriages together?” The men didn’t say a word. The women all agreed that it was looking the other way instead of getting into an argument and letting little criticisms go without expressing them. 10 years later, we’re all still married to the same people, (except for the wife whose husband died.) What have you fluthers found to work?

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24 Answers

tranquilsea's avatar

We don’t sweat the small stuff. We talk about problems and handle them in a united way and we have had tons of serious problems to handle as a married couple. I think about the good things in our marriage and about my husband. I think he does too. We don’t really concentrate on the bad things.

Financially, we are a bit better off than when we were first married and that takes a lot of pressure off.

We have better sex now than we ever have.

choreplay's avatar

I like to serve my family and especially my wife. I take joy in taking care of them as much as I possibly can. From making a good living to taking out the trash to bringing my wife coffee and cookies in bed each morning.

We believe we are doing our children by putting each other before the children. Not by a huge margin, but I have seen a lot of marriages fall apart when it is all about the children. Also we are giving them role models for how to treat and love your spouse. I still love to spend time just playing with my children.

Oh ya, its true, the sex has become better every year that passes.

filmfann's avatar

The answer is right there in your question.
One of the ways this can happen is the men keep their mouths shut.

My wife and I have been married 26 years now, and we did this, not out of love, but because we had the same values and feelings about the basic things. We both were light drinkers, not drug users, wanted kids, and were happy with each other.

cak's avatar

Like @filmfann, we don’t just stay together out of love; but out of mutual respect of each other and similar likes. We do have differences, which are important; however we aren’t so polar opposite that it wouldn’t work. He was a friend then grew into a relationship. We got to know each other. We were “real” together. Nothing ever seemed difficult. It just seemed right and still does. Each day we are together, our love just grows stronger and our friendship strengthens.

cookieman's avatar

Hard Work
Deep Friendship
Hard Work
Lots of Love
Hard Work
Shared Interests
Hard Work
Dumb Luck

In that order

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

We want each other to succeed and grow as much as we want those things for ourselves. We’re equals and we make sure we remain connected.

choreplay's avatar

@cak, cookies with coffee, in bed in the morning.

cak's avatar

@Season_of_Fall : Now we don’t want to spoil them! Kidding of course! Welcome to Fluther. :)

choreplay's avatar

@cak Thank you. She has bragged about getting coffee and cookies in bed ever since we first got married 13 year ago.

YARNLADY's avatar

Mutual respect, tolerance, good friends, similar values; married 36 years.

wundayatta's avatar

Willingness to get past major mistakes. If you want to work it out, you will. If you refuse to let go of a serious hurt, your marriage is as good as over. Forgiveness is essential.

Jeruba's avatar

Intellectual compatibility
Sense of humor
Similar values
Willingness to tough it out through crises
Vows taken in earnest
Finances
Inertia

Love is not enough: it’s necessary but not sufficient.

34 years and counting.

BBSDTfamily's avatar

Loving each other for who we are, laughing together, sharing the exact same views on everything from money to family to religion, and keeping the “couple” part of us alive after having children.

Bellatrix's avatar

That is a winner Season. I have been with my husband for over 10 years now and I get coffee in bed every morning. I figure I will know the honeymoon is over when the coffee stops coming. Other than all the great suggestions here.. I think you need to treat each other as lovers. My husband and I regularly go and do things together. Fun things. We make it a rule to spend time together and to avoid just doing the routine stuff.

cookieman's avatar

@cak: yes – and cookies for sure

Supacase's avatar

It has only been 6½ years, but they’ve been challenging.

Trust has always been there 100%.
Learning to admit when something we’re up in arms about is not really big deal and being able let it go.
Being able to let it go – for real. Once it is resolved, it is over.
The ability to laugh together.
Having each other’s back.
Counseling – it has helped us understand each other so much.

During the difficult times:
Being parents
Stubbornness
Underlying knowledge that we want to be together more than we want to be apart – even if we won’t say it out loud.

YARNLADY's avatar

I forgot to add commitment. When we married, we took ourselves out of the running.

Earthgirl's avatar

Being there for each other yet allowing each other space.

Being able to laugh at our own idiosyncrasies and other people’s as well (People watching in NYC is the best!)

Enjoying similar interests as far as music, art, etc. and making the time to keep going out and seeing and discovering things together

Respecting that family is family even when they drive us crazy——and not letting differences divide us. (this one can be very tough!)

Having the same core values.

Never tiring of sleeping in each others arms well, at least for a minute, then he better move over and give me my space!!

If anyone is interested here’s a link to a beautiful Wendell Berry poem called “The Country of Marriage” It’s one of my favorites.
http://blog.beliefnet.com/roddreher/2010/06/wendell-berry-the-country-of-marriage.html

Bellatrix's avatar

You give great poem Earthgirl. Thank you for sharing again.

Earthgirl's avatar

Mz Lizzy You’re welcome! Glad you enjoyed it. It’s my favorite poem of his.

mattbrowne's avatar

Learning to accept imperfection. On both sides.

Aethelwine's avatar

Friendship and forgiveness.

SQUEEKY2's avatar

It’s been 25years for Mrs Squeeky and I ,and it has been lots of love ,respect,friendship,trust,a ton of hard work,and we both didn’t want kids.

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