General Question

wildflower's avatar

Does it really work for women to "change" their men?

Asked by wildflower (11157points) April 14th, 2008

How to groom, what to say, what to like/dislike…..Are there any success-stories of women changing or moulding their boyfriends/husbands where both are happy with the result (not just content or satisfied with the compromise)?
And if a person changes drastically…..are you still attracted to them or were you not attracted to the ‘raw material’ but rather the potential?

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

21 Answers

osakarob's avatar

Oh, of course!

Men LOVE to be told what to do, how to speak and what to think.

In fact, ask ANY man and I am sure he would tell you how desperately he wishes the women in his life would do more of THAT!

(Tongue firmly planted in cheek)

delirium's avatar

Yes, in every good relationship the individuals grow around eachother. Change is normal.

blippio's avatar

are you crazy? This never works. One of the first lessons (you should learn) in relatioships is that you can’t change people…you need to love people for who they are

(also note osakarob’s response, this applies to women as well)

Robby's avatar

To an extent.

I do not mind my G/F trying to make changes about me. If anything, It’s for the best. Even though she can be very pushy about it at times. As long as i’m approached nicely about it, and not to be made to feel like i’m being looked down on, then i’m fine with it. Sometimes people are blind to there faults where others are not.

bulbatron9's avatar

For me, it has been a give and take! Both parties have to be willing to change. I doubt that the one-sided, male only, change will work.

ninjaxmarc's avatar

don’t judge or try to change instead understand together. By having everyone understand, a person usually changes for the better instead of the worse but their is thy rare occasion the guy just doesnt want to help himself.

El_Cadejo's avatar

“A woman gets with a man and hopes he will change. A man gets with a woman and hopes she will never change. Unfortunately they are both ultimately let down”

trainerboy's avatar

No more than a man can change a woman. We cannot change someone else. We can influence that person, we can inspire, but we cannot control, although many people would like to believe they can.

DeezerQueue's avatar

If you feel you are compromising, you are with the wrong person. Period. Recognition of shortcomings and looking past them because the character of a person is sterling should be enough.

Choose wisely. Or don’t choose at all.

cwilbur's avatar

People change on their own. You can’t make someone change.

This has not stopped thousands of women from picking a man based not on who he is, but on who they think he should be, and frustrating themselves for years trying to change him.

Hollister0221's avatar

change is normal for both men and women. No one can make u change tho. Its a conscience decision on that person alone. But who we hang around with, marry,raised by makes all difference on how we change I think

WastaBwoy's avatar

No, I can’t stand that. If it isn’t ME a girl wants then she must want somebody else.

bulbatron9's avatar

“To change with change, is to achieve a changeless state!” – Bruce Lee

@Deezer – I disagree with your opinion on compromise! I believe the ability to compromise is one of the “Keystones” in any relationship! Compromising your beliefs is one thing, but to compromise in general, is an essential!

skfinkel's avatar

Not unless the man is eager to be changed. Only the most mature and self aware men are in that category.

Hollister0221's avatar

so ur saying men should change filed a woman?

DeezerQueue's avatar

@Bulbatron, I’m speaking more to a feeling of disenchantment, as a person has compromised their happiness to settle for someone less than their “ideal.”

RedmannX5's avatar

I think that in order for two people to be in a working relationship, they both have to love eachother for EXACTLY what they are. You shouldn’t try to mold somebody to your requirements. If they’re not right, find someone who is.

scamp's avatar

My SO lived his entire life before meeting me suffering from undiagnosed Asperger Syndrome. My sister in law pointed it out to me after seeing us together. She noticed how he seemed to rely on me to explain some things people said to him. He is a very literal person and don’t understand figures of speech, or what he calls “street talk”. He lived mainly alone and was shunned by most of the people around him because no one took the time to try and understand why he was “different”.

I had to learn about Aspergers and how people affected by it think so I could help him. He is very intelligent, but lacks what most of us would call common sense. So I started out slowly with him, and over the past 6 years, he has really come out of his shell. It is much easier for him to socialize now, and he is happier because of it.

I can’t say that I have changed him, but I have more or less helped him to change and grow. I had to think carefully when beginning to teach him because I wanted him to feel more confident around people, but I didn’t want to change the man I fell in love with.

In my case, my guy wanted to change, and I helped him along, but I had to be very careful not to be overbearing about it. I guess what I am saying is it is possible for a woman to change her man with good results for both people, but it takes careful consideration, compromise and patience from both partners.

gooch's avatar

Yes people change over time especially for people they love. I personally have changed for my wife’s benefits but she too has changed for mine. I agree these changes are positive in my relationship. So I say thank you to my wife for helping me to be a better husband and father.

wildflower's avatar

Thanks to everyone that’s answered this – it’s absolutely fascinating to see the different perceptions and spread of opinions on the topic.

Personally, I do believe a couple will influence each others personal growth, but I’m very much against the idea of consciously trying to change the other person. To me individuality is precious and a relationship should be a partnership of two individuals, not the merger of two individuals to form one – because that will mean giving up parts of yourself and you should never have to do that.
As for compromise, I prefer a win-some-loose-some approach. To me, compromise suggests both parties relinquishing parts of their demands/desires and I would rather say at times I get exactly what I want and at times my partner does…

So, that’s my view for the record – and thanks again to everyone for sharing yours.

DS's avatar

I’ve meet few men who are not willing to change.they use to say if you want to change a man start at birth.

Answer this question




to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther