How do you keep your children safe from sexual predators?

I have never been a target. I will however do all that is within my power to protect children for this type of scum. If a sexual predator ever molested my children ( I don’t have any kids). He will find out a new meaning of the word pain. It should be legal for a father to kill a person who molest their kids.

It is a horrible crime and I am sorry that you have been a victim but it is fortunately pretty rare. I have two children now both grown up and didn’t really consider this a major threat when they were young. We never left them with anyone we didn’t trust and I think I might have recognised the signs in their faces had they ever been abused. It was a thing I didn’t like to discuss with my children and so we didn’t talk about it.

I have taught them all there is to teach…Stranger Danger, Bad Relative, Icky Teacher, Touchy Feely Friend…and also how to wreck havoc on anyone who touches them. My kids at the very least will deliver a world of hurt on anyone who lays a finger on them.

@flutherother The problem is that most paedophiles gain the trust of the parents which is often why they are highly successful in what they do.

This sounds harsh, but I don’t trust anyone besides my own parents and my husbands parents to watch my son unattended. Most sexual predators aren’t strangers but rather a trusted person in their life. Even his daycare has security cameras that I can log on and watch from any computer. When he is old enough to talk to about possible dangerous situations, I’ll judge his maturity level and begin to trust a few more people at a time but until then, I take no chances.

I think there is a really fine line, too, between educating your kids about the dangers and then making the whole world seem to be scary.

I’ve talked to my kids about trusting their inner “there’s something wrong” even if they can’t exactly figure out why. I’ve told them they need to get out of that situation asap and then get to a trusted adult. I’ve told them to not listen to what that person is saying especially if they are trying to talk them out of leaving. I’ve also told them that they can come and talk to me no matter who it is that is involved.

Sadly, we can’t protect our kids from everything. But please don’t ever tell your kids this: that there is nothing they can do if they are in a bad situation except pray to god. I actually heard a mom tell her child this! I quickly ran off many things a child could do before the child could run off.

@tranquilsea That is often the way they operate so it is the parents that have to be on guard.

@flutherother This is a genuine question: what signs would you look out for?

Who can say no to your last question? My kids are 2 and 4. I have spoken to my oldest about privacy and personal space and how people can and will take advantage of others. We have discussed certain situations, he has learned my cell number and what to do if we get separated. Other than that, I can’t stress this to him enough, it’s nothing that makes any sense to him and why would it? I am a vigilant parent and I think that is important but there are hundreds of ways something awful can happen to me and to my kids, can’t prevent them all.

@tranquilsea I know you are serious. I would say protecting your children is more difficult if you are a single parent. Anyone that wants to be alone with your child should be treated with suspicion. You don’t want to be paranoid about it but you should trust your instincts. Don’t be overly suspicious just be careful. It can be very tempting to hand your child over to someone to look after at times. That is when it is most likely to happen as you are in effect saying to your child ‘you can trust this person’ so it is easy for abuse to take place. We left our children with very few people other than grandparents and school teachers.

I sympathize with your experience, so I understand how it is something that can really get into your head when it comes to your own children.

I think that keeping an open dialogue is essential, of course. I think that there were some excellent ideas mentioned above – as well as what @Simone_De_Beauvoir said about not being able to prevent every misfortune that may come barreling our way. Having said that, I think for me, the most important thing is to pay attention. I simply can not allow myself to squash a suspicion because I don’t want to believe “that person” would do something so horrible. Without panicking, I think it is important to investigate and keep my eyes and ears open. I would rather check out something suspicious and be wrong, than do nothing and find out that I was right.

I think that what a lot of people have trouble with is teaching their kids about sexual agency, respect for elders, appropriateness and the ability to say “no” to a grown up.

I feel like the most important thing is getting your kids to trust themselves and you. Teach them the tricks that sexual predators might use. So many of them go the “secret” route, say how if they tell their parents will get in trouble, or hate them. Use their embarassment and shame about sex against them.

So much of the problem comes up because we teach our kids often to be suspicious of grown ups rather than teaching them how to know when a grown up is behaving suspiciously.

I think one VERY important thing to teach children is that there is a right way to respect grown-ups, but that if any grown-up ever crosses any of the lines you set or if the child even feels like the situation is wierd, there are no rules other than kick, scream, do anything they want to get away or get attention. When that line is crossed, respect for grown-ups goes out the window. Another thing is kidnapping. Teach your kids that in public they behave one way, but that if anyone even asks them to come with them then they need to yell, run, knock over displays, etc. to get attention. A lot of kids are successfully preyed upon because they are taught to respect their elders but don’t get the side of the story about when it’s okay to act very differently.

I started this when they were about three, discussing “bad guys” in a general sort of way: We’ve seen bad guys in cartoons and movies. Are there bad guys in the real world? Yes. How do you recognize a bad guy? Does a bad guy wear a bad-guy costume, a special hat? Does a bad guy always dress in black? Is it always a guy? always someone you don’t know?

No. You recognize a bad guy by what they do. If they do something bad to you, they’re a bad guy.

And what do you do if someone tries to do something bad to you? You yell and make noise and you run like hell, and you always, always tell your parents.

What do you do if somebody you don’t know tries to make you get in their car? That’s a bad guy. You yell and make noise and you run like hell, and you always, always tell your parents.

What if somebody takes your bike and says you can’t have it back unless you get in their car? Will Mummy and Daddy be mad at you for losing your bike? No. That’s a bad guy. You yell and make noise and you run like hell, and you always, always tell your parents.

We will try never to send somebody you don’t know to get you. But if we ever have to do that, the person will always know the name of our cat. If somebody comes to get you and doesn’t know the name of our cat, that’s a bad guy. You yell and make noise and you run like hell, and you always, always tell your parents.

Anything you have to do to get away is okay.

And if you ever get lost from us, we will never, ever, ever stop looking for you. If anyone tells you otherwise, that’s a bad guy.

As they got a little older, there were conversations about their bodies and about somebody touching them in a way they didn’t like. But first I wanted to get rid of the idea of an obviously recognizable cartoon bad guy, tie the notion of wrongdoing to actions and not appearance, and teach them to protect themselves. These little guys might think they’re Mighty Mouse and all they have to do is watch out for the fellow with the black cape and the snaky mustache, but they are heartbreakingly vulnerable.

I was abused by a family member. Years later the abuser and I have a better relationship. But when my children want to go somewhere with him or be in a room alone with him I’ve always said no. When they were old enough I told them why, which the abuser didn’t appreciate but he brought that on himself.

I don’t know if this is off topic or not, but bullies can be abusers/predators. One of my kids has been bullied and I found that dealing with it is the same as dealing with an adult bully. I was horribly bullied when I was a child. It became very physical not just verbal and emotional. Because of this I am very proactive in helping my children if they are being bullied. Just as I’m very proactive in teaching them about the bad guys/gals out there.

It horrifies me that some people say they wouldn’t talk to their children about this topic just because it is uncomfortable. There are a lot of uncomfortable conversations that the parents are responsible for having with their kids, and anything less than that is negligence. Usually the people you think you can trust are the very ones that are the predators. I think the open dialogue @tranquilsea has is the absolute best protection against predators. Let your kids know what dangers exist in the world so they can recognize it a lot quicker than a kid who has never heard of such behavior because their parents avoided the conversation.

It’s an ongoing discussion, along with real-world limits. I addressed it much like @Jeruba, adding in my own personal experiences (not too graphically) as a victim myself. I have three girls, 13 to 16 years of age, and the main lesson now is to be aware of your surroundings and situations that might be unsafe. Safety in numbers is a big one for us. They really can’t go much farther than their fenced in yard alone, but the three of them can walk to the store together.

As has already been mentioned, much of the info is age dependent.

But here are a few general rules of thumb from the perspective of an Elem. Teacher/children’s entertainer who has dealt with many different children and parents.

From the earliest age on (even toddlers) respect and validate whatever your child’s feelings are regarding their own body and personal space.

If this means finding an alternate form of greeting for Aunt Kissyface who insists upon smothering the kid with slobbery kisses and crushing hugs in spite of the kids squirming and obvious awkward body language then so be it.

Not every kid automatically likes this level of intimacy from someone they only see twice a year at most.

Even tho she is obviously no danger to the kid and means well, take your cues from the child. Always.

Some kids love that kind of affectionate attention from family in public greetings while others abhor it. In a future private moment, ask the child what type of greeting would be comfy for them and put your foot down (gently at first) to inform the overly enthusiastic adult what the new greeting form will be even if it’s only a handshake. Then STICK TO IT. Honor your child’s wishes in what he’s comfortable with and not comfortable with.

Even tho the relative in question might be offended, they’ll just have to get over it.

You are sending a very important subliminal message to your child. He has the absolute right to assert who does what with his body and you will back him up on that.

When I was doing face painting, it never ceased to amaze me how many parents of a reluctant child were willing to FORCE THEM to get their face painted. Most kids enjoy it and want it, but some kids just don’t like the idea of somebody putting cold goop on their face.

Granted, it’s not a “private” area but it is still part of that childs body and they should have veto power on who gets to touch it.

I just refused to participate even tho some parents were perfectly willing to put their screaming child on their lap and hold their arms down so I could paint them. Amazing.

I just looked them straight in the eye and informed them with a little smile that I don’t do any non-consensual face painting :)

Overcoming a child’s reluctance in any of these types of situations (whether with a beloved well-meaning relative or anybody else) is sending a horrible message to that child. It’s subconsciously letting them know that they don’t have final say about their own body.

I realize that people in these scenarios mean well but they aren’t clearly thinking through the larger implications.

I appreciate your response very much, @Buttonstc. I wish my parents had had the benefit of such advice.

I’ve never been subjected to any kind of physical abuse, and even the kissyface relatives weren’t too bad. But there’s an incident I’ve never forgotten. I was 4½. Doctors still made housecalls in those days, and our family doctor’s younger associate had come to see my mother and my newborn sister, who were in the bedroom. My father was at work.

I opened the door to the doctor. He picked me up high in greeting and responded to my wriggles by demanding a kiss, which I refused to give him. I loved our regular GP, but I didn’t like this man at all. The more he demanded, the more stubborn I got. He told me he wouldn’t let me down until I gave him a kiss on the cheek, and I believed him. Kids have no sense of time. I imagined being held up there forever. Humiliated and frustrated to tears, I gave him a little peck on the cheek and he set me down.

I remember still, very vividly, how outraged and helpless I felt. I knew it was wrong, I knew he was taking advantage of me and overpowering me, and yet I submitted in order to buy back my freedom. Nobody had told me it was okay to be rude and yell and call out “I won’t!” and bellow for my mother. I had been taught respectful obedience. It was all very quiet and civilized.

I never told anyone about this incident until decades later, when he was the first doctor to diagnose and treat my father’s cancer. The treatment he administered made later life-saving surgery impossible. I wished I had blown the whistle on him as a child, but the reality is that in those days it would have been laughed off as harmless.

Adding an afterthought to my above post: I recognize that what happened to me was absolutely nothing compared with what so many youngsters have experienced. My point was that even something so minor made me feel outraged and violated as a small child and left me with a permanent memory of it. It doesn’t take much to have a big effect on a little kid.

That’s a big reason why I made such a point of telling my kids that all rules of behavior are off when it comes to protecting themselves and escaping from someone with harmful intent. Anything they have to do to get away is okay.

Through prayer, I cannot do anything but He can do it all. It is said most alleged predators are people the child knows and trust, meaning they are people you know and trust, and they can be cousins, frat buddies, army buddies, coaches, teachers, tutors, workmen, etc., in short, the only way you know you can best protect the child is to live out in the country, homeschool them, have high fences or walls around your property and never allow them to be alone with any adult, even the ones you know. The guy in a stained raincoat is lurking in the bushes or alley waiting for the child to come by to drag them off and jump their bones, is more Hollywood than fact; but it is good on the political stump.