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aLittleBit's avatar

Am I being too needy? Does he love me as much as I love him?

Asked by aLittleBit (241points) February 12th, 2011

He says that he is deeply in love with me and he shows it. But, if I ask him if he loves me more than he has ever loved another woman he answers; “Love cannot be measured or compared. I have loved each woman differently…not more or less”. Why does this hurt me so?

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19 Answers

FabricatingReality's avatar

I think that’s because you want to feel like you are the pinnacle of his love career – that you are the best he’s ever had. And right now, you are the pinnacle. I completely agree with him, though. Every love has a different flavor, and there’s no way to crown one “best.” The best one for him right now is the one he shares with you, or else he wouldn’t be with you.

jca's avatar

I wouldn’t ask someone if they have loved me more than any woman. To me that’s irrelevant – what is important is he is with you now and he loves you, and he says so. Leave it at that. I would not be demanding any more than that.

BarnacleBill's avatar

You are being too needy. In a relationship, you cannot change a person’s past. It’s over.

You should not be looking in the rear view mirror, but look forward. Like driving, if you spend your time staring in the rear view mirror, you’re going to hit something you missed by not looking forward, and total the car.

aLittleBit's avatar

So, if I may be so bold…I will repeat: Why does this hurt me so?

ANef_is_Enuf's avatar

@aLittleBit because you are insecure. That’s okay, we all have our moments, but you need to work on that. He can’t change it for you. We are all afraid of losing the ones we love, and sometimes little reassurances like “I love you more than anyone I have ever loved” make us feel more secure. The truth of the matter is that all relationships are fluid, they are a constantly moving, growing, evolving entity, and it is our responsibility to nurture them. Insecurity, although a natural and common feeling, is never good for a relationship. Try to reel it in a little bit, grow your confidence.. and have faith in your commitment to one another. It is also healthy to teach yourself to accept that not only will your relationship be a good one if you nurture it -but that if it happens to fall apart, that you will bounce back and be okay.

Cruiser's avatar

IMO you love each person for very different reasons. Love encompasses a lot of distinct qualities that help create that passion and excitement that we feel about our lover(s). I have loved a few women and each one was for very different reasons and beyond compare. Compare shoe sizes or hair styles but not reasons for love. Not doable and IMO not healthy to fixate on.

cazzie's avatar

I think it’s lovely that he’s that open and honest with you. Rather than tell you something he thinks you want to hear, he’s being honest and I think that is really important and THAT in itself shows you how much he loves and respects you.

The very fact he’s with you now and loves you now demonstrates that you are the love of his life.

We grow and change as people our whole lives. I have loved before, but now that I’m older, I love in a different way, and I hope, a healthier way.

Love can not be quantified or measured. It is what it is. It’s nothing and it’s a million little things.

BarnacleBill's avatar

Your ego wants you to be the “une grand passion” of his life, the “one” that’s the blinding love. He’s telling you that he doesn’t view love as some sort of competition.

@cazzie, excellent response.

chyna's avatar

It does sound like you are very needy. Be happy with what you have, which is your boyfriend loving you and being honest with you. Not everyone has that.

john65pennington's avatar

Anef is Enuf, great and accurate answer.

Dog's avatar

A man in love is putting you on a pedestal. Instead of rejoicing you are looking around his house and comparing pedestals to the ghosts of his past?

Your first line says it all.

You need to pull yourself together here. He deserves to feel like he is your everything and instead you are showing that he needs to try harder. Put your insecurity aside and prove to him how much you love him by being happy.

You know how to get your pedestal higher? By reveling in what he is giving. By being genuinely happy. By appreciating every effort of affection and love by trying to give It back.

Try wrining tiny love notes by cutting up a sheet of paper and hiding them in places it will take him months to find.

Never discuss his past loves. They are not beside him now- you are.

Smile every time he walks in the door. Never greet him with sorrow.

Focus on what you have- savor every moment. Your pedestal will grow and grow but you will not even notice because your heart is where it should be- joined with his.

MissA's avatar

@Dog That is a beautiful answer…warms my heart. @aLittleBit I will only add that if you persist in your ‘needy’ behavior, you will eventually stomp out the very love he showers you with. That kind of honesty and love doesn’t come along often. Stop wanting ‘more’ and let what you have flow back and forth between you. You might find something else to fill your worrying hours…do something for another to fill their heart with joy. Oh, and welcome to fluther.

cazzie's avatar

I cut my answer short when I got interrupted..

I actually wanted to add that ‘needy’ sounds so negative, and I’m sorry people here on this thread are calling you that. Everyone, and I mean everyone is needy, vis a vis, we all have needs and there is no shame in that. In your context, you mean, perhaps, ‘am I asking too much of him’, and the answer is, yes.

A very dear friend of mine once told me, ‘One person can’t be everything to another person.’ I was devastated at first, because I was so in love and couldn’t understand why he didn’t want to spend as much time with me as I did him. I recognise now, that I had a tendency to be obsessive, possessive and smothering, and that is not a healthy kind of lovin’.

I realised I had to build myself as a person and had some growing up to do. I took up some sports, gained a new group of friends to integrate into my life, got fit and a had a healthier sense of self respect and I grew and so did my ability to love and be loved.

WasCy's avatar

What if he told you honestly, “No. You’re not that woman” ... and then started to tell you about ‘the one that got away’ or his former wife who died, or cheated on him, or whatever? That sure won’t make you feel better, will it?

You may in time be that woman – the best love of his life (whatever that means to him, or to you). What does it matter if you are now, or not? He’s with you. You love him, and that’s wonderful. He loves you deeply, and he shows it… what more do you want?

The only thing this reminds me of is… Snow White. Review the story and figure out which character you’re playing here; do you really want to be that woman?

aLittleBit's avatar

Thank you all so very much! I have put forth my apologies to him, and, in his generous way he is appreciative and forgiving. Your input has been priceless!

Yes, I have been “needy”. Yes, I should know better. I have known better and have behaved better most of the time. I have experienced LOSS in a Big Bad Way recently. (My dad passed away, custody battle with my ex, foreclosure on my house…) So, I have become needy. But, the wisdom of people I do not even known has helped me do repair. Like Blance Du Bois…” I have always depended on the kindness of strangers.”

Many Thanks~
The Wicked Step Mother…opps, I mean aLittleBit

chyna's avatar

@aLittleBit That’s great. I hope you have a long, loving relationship with him. I also hope you stick around here. I think you have a lot to give this site.

Mikewlf337's avatar

@aLittleBit It seems to me that you have a really high opinion of yourself and that you think you are better than anyone he has had in the past. He is right and you are wrong. You can’t measure love and rate it. You can’t put one on top of another. You better grow some skin and not get your feelings hurts so easily or he will dump you and find someone who isn’t so clingy, needy, and self centered. You will be the one who is alone and he will find another if you don’t change the way you feel on that issue.

Dog's avatar

@Mikewlf337 Gentle now… @aLittleBit is not an egotistical snob.

She has been riding an emotional roller coaster and is seeking an abnormal amount of reassurance that this relationship is solid. I know where that inner- turmoil comes from and it is far from what you describe.

It is derived from acute pain of loss and not an exaggerated sense of self-worth.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

If you’ve every loved (romantically) several people in your life then you’d understand how it sometimes feels strange to think one love is bigger or deeper than the others when those loves were in full bloom. I totally agree with you partner, each love is different.

Enjoy that you have someone who tells you to your face you are deeply loved… and also shows it.

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