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bb9335's avatar

Why do I chase someone when I already know what the outcome will be?

Asked by bb9335 (98points) February 13th, 2011

I always end up liking someone so much and I can’t get them out of my head. Currently the girl that I am liking has a boyfriend, but I know she feels the same as me because she drops hints like crazy and flirts with me all the time. I know that if anything ever happened, it wouldn’t last and I would end up being hurt by that, but I still insist on pursuing it or making it happen. Why do I keep setting myself up for pain that I know will come??

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8 Answers

Joker94's avatar

It’s our nature, man. It’s nothing you can help. Frankly, I don’t think anyone can help it. I was in a similar boat myself, and as much as I told myself I’d never fall for this girl, I did. The best thing you can do is to just try to put it out of your head for a little, and talk to other people.

Kardamom's avatar

Maybe because it never occurred to you that there are other currently un-attached and available people out there that would make a great girlfriend and eventual wife for you.

Chasing after other people’s mates is really self-destructive and kind of mean. You risk your own rejection, and you might hurt the other guy who’s girl you are trying to hit on, and putting the girl into an awkward position in which she is will have to make a choice where someone will get hurt.

Are you really looking to get into a real and loving relationship with someone, or do you just like messing around with people and not caring about who’s feelings you hurt?

Everything you do in life is a choice. You aren’t being forced or coerced to make bad decisions. Interferring with other people’s relationships is a bad (meaning: mean) choice. Temptation is everywhere, how you deal with temptation demonstrates your maturity or lack thereof.

If you engage in activities that are fun and and important to you, you are likely to find plenty of people that would make good mates for you. If you only get involved with the people that are actually interested in you and available, everyone will end up much happier in the long run.

gespect's avatar

people are different but i’m going to give you an answer that fits many, but maybe not you.
very often a person is attracted to somebody because they remind them of a person from their past [good or bad—more often bad]. in the case of bad it is usually [my opinion] a relationship [or dreams of a relationship] that left one either feeling [i’m going to use ‘humiliated’ here but it’s not the real word i’m looking for] or left with an unfinished relationship.
what i’m saying for the ‘humiliated’ is it finished and one side felt like they lost a battle and wants to go back and win so that they can put it behind them. so instead of a healthy relationship it’s like two college football rivals. the loser seeks a surrogate to wipe the feild with. but if you lost to the first one it’s likly based on your nature. so, you’ll lose again.
the second one i’ll refer to as ‘eidetic’ [especially vivid but unreal]. i’ll use myself for this. there was a girl i never had the opputunity to go out with, but i always imagined us together. because it was my imagination it was never less then perfect. to this day i only remember her as ‘perfect’. if i met a girl like her, at least initially, i could only see her as ‘perfect’. how can anyone live up to that?
you’ll have to look into yourself and look at the variables which you are attracted to. that may be where you’ll find your answer.

Pandora's avatar

Put the ball in her court. Tell her you are interested and you feel she may be interested to, however you plan to move on to greener pastures if she doesn’t break up with her boyfriend to show you she is serious.
As to why do people keep falling for someone who is unattainable. Too many reasons to list, but my guess is either you’ve had really bad luck finding someone compatible or you like the dream more than the reality. So long as she is unattainable, you will never quarrel and you will never have to see her flaws, nor really reveal your own flaws or really let someone get close to you.
Its much easier to envy the guy with the nice yard and admire it because you never have to work as hard as your neighbor at planting, weeding, mowing, watering and feeding it nutrients.
The grass is always greener next door, simply because someone else put some really hard work into it.
But most people rather envy them and complain about how lucky they are to have such a nice lawn, than break out their own equipment.
Also, it simply could be you fear real rejection.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Because you like it?

Cruiser's avatar

It is completely normal to want something you don’t have and even to want something you know you can’t have. I say don’t stop trying to grab the brass ring….I haven’t!

VS's avatar

I’m going to go out on a limb and just tell you my opinion. I don’t think we have any more control over who we are attracted to than we do over what color our eyes are. I speak from personal experience. I was not attracted to some one else’s boyfriend or husband, but knew the man was single and pretty unattainable. I had almost obsessive thoughts about him for two years, thinking daily about conversations we might have, what he was doing, etc. After a while, we did have conversations, exchanged emails and texts, and became very good friends. He is still unattached and calls me periodically and comes to visit sometimes (we live 100 miles apart). I have resolved to the idea that we are not going to end up together, but he has certainly provided me with a very active fantasy life.

rochfellarangelz22's avatar

Im going to tell you the real deal. If a woman likes you and seems flirtatious and acting like she wants you well she has a man. If she didnt want the guy shes with she would not be with him proble and also if shes flirting with you and acting like she wants you well with him. imagine if she dated you she might do the same thing date you then want some other guy. I know there are hot guys out there but i would rather find somone that actually loves me that is hard to find a man that loves you. i would date the uglyist guy if we had stuff in common and he actually loved me and didnt cheat i have gotten cheated on by most boyfriends.When you really like somone you forget the way they look on the outside cause you feel the way they are on the inside. when your old in gray looks dont matter. there heart will.

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