General Question

SuperMouse's avatar

Can you help with this wedding conundrum?

Asked by SuperMouse (30809points) February 17th, 2011

I am getting married in March. This is not the first marriage for either of us. We are planning a very small ceremony with only our children and (his) grandchildren in attendance. The only other attendees will be the four people we invited to serve as witnesses, fellow members of our faith. My family knows I am planning to marry and I am starting to get all kinds of questions about the date and time. I know at least one close family member thinks I am angry at him because I have not invited him. I am thinking about sending some kind announcement just to let everyone know when we are getting married and explaining that it is very small – but I don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings because they aren’t invited and I definitely don’t want to be seen as sending the announcements as a way to ask for gifts. Any thoughts on a great way to let people know about our plans?

Just as an FYI, I am not particularly close to most of my family but we do all get along fairly well.

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16 Answers

poofandmook's avatar

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with sending out a non-invite saying it’s just for you, your children, and that’s it.

wilma's avatar

I think a traditional announcement after the wedding is the beat way to do it.
Before the wedding when people ask, just tell them that the wedding will be very small and private.
Best wishes!

chyna's avatar

Wait, I thought I was invited.
Have you thought about having a get together at some point after the wedding? Kind of like a reception but not necessarily right after the wedding. If so, you could send the announcement after the wedding and ask that they refrain from bringing gifts. If anyone asks before the wedding, you just have to be honest and say it is a small wedding for you, him and the kids.

Scooby's avatar

Why not call them up & explain over the phone, that’s what I did when me & my ex decided we didn’t want children at the ceremony! :-/
Or just pop round…… Go over to see them.

iamthemob's avatar

I think @Scooby‘s way is the way to go. Call a few people – maybe even just to “catch up” – and let them know what’s going on. Contact enough, and you can make sure that if the negative nancy rumor mill starts going, someone will nip it in the bud quickly.

JilltheTooth's avatar

Can’t I come? It’s on my berfday!
I like the idea of an announcement after and a party, maybe explaining that you don’t want gifts because at your age you already have too much stuff..

chyna's avatar

@JilltheTooth No fair. I wanted it on my birthday (the 5th) but she said no.

bobbinhood's avatar

Personally, I would just let people know as they asked me. If someone asks when the wedding is, I would tell them the date, and then I would mention something about how glad we are that we’re keeping it really private with only our children and a couple witnesses. If you mention something about how you’re only inviting your children and witnesses rather than just saying you’re keeping it small, people are much less likely to be offended that they weren’t included. After all, if you say you’re keeping it small, I could think that I’m special enough that I should be involved, but if you say it’s just your kids, I know I don’t qualify and it’s nothing against me personally.

blueiiznh's avatar

There is no reason why you should feel guilty about whatever plans you want for your day.
The people you want there will know who they are. You don’t have to print or go into any detail as to why you are doing this. It is up to you and your betrothed.
A simple announcement going out is an acceptable etiquette as others have mentioned.
Here is a link that may help. announcements

YoBob's avatar

No need to make this any more difficult than it needs to be. Start by telling them you appreciate their good wishes and tell them that the only folks that will be in attendance is you, your spouse to be, and the kids.

VS's avatar

You could tell them you are eloping to Las Vegas… or you could just be very evasive and say you have not decided on a date unless that cat is already out of the bag. Or you could be honest and say you are keeping the ceremony a secret and plan to have a celebration of your nuptuals sometimes this spring or summer (if that’s the case). Only you really know how the askers will receive the information that they are simply NOT invited to be a part of your wedding. Maybe let that be your guide.

klutzaroo's avatar

I’m going several hours away to avoid all the people who would feel offended that they weren’t invited, but have far more to do with my parents than with me. If they really want to drive that far just to come to my wedding, they’re welcome to do it. If not (and probably not), it will be their decision to not come. Going somewhere might be an option for not offending anyone. If it isn’t really, just tell them that you’re having a tiny ceremony to keep costs down. Tell ‘em the economy’s bad and you’re not inviting anyone. Or whatever you wish. Its your life, you marriage, your day. You have every right to not have a wedding that other people expect you to have.

bkcunningham's avatar

I agree with @wilma. A traditional announcement after the wedding. @blueiznh gave you a good site to select an announcement.

Many blessings for you marriage and new family.

Meego's avatar

My husband and I got married in our backyard with only a few witnesses. The next weekend afterwards we threw a huge party as a celebration, we sent invitations out for that, and stated on the invite, this was a celebration of our recent marriage…which everyone knew we were getting married but we did not tell them a date, and we never did until they got invited to the party, no one was upset we told them our financial situation, they understood.

cak's avatar

You know, there is a trend for this, especially in second weddings. The easy thing to say it that it’s a small affair, basically the children groom and bride and some witnesses. Announce later the marriage, either in the paper or send out some type of announcement. Don’t sweat the family. Someone will feel that you will are slighting them, but the question to ask yourself, “Are you and your future groom happy with the arrangements?” If the answer is yes, then go for it.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

We’re facing the same issue for the same reasons and have pretty much just told people we will announce the wedding as being an immediate family affair and please, no gifts other than their well wishes. It’s working for us so far so maybe you guys could do a similar announcement in lieu of the typical invitation or post on your facebook if you have one.

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