Social Question

xjustxxclaudiax's avatar

Is he tired of me?

Asked by xjustxxclaudiax (1960points) February 20th, 2011

Me and my friend have been hanging out everyday for a while now. And for the most part, its pretty fun. But we have these moments where I feel I’m starting to annoy him. I’m not a very social person, I don’t really have friends…I’m talking none. And he’s pretty much all I have. Before him, I used to be by myself, did everything by myself, and spent most of my life by myself..I’m used to it. It doesn’t bother me, sometimes I miss it. He always wants to hang out with me, as do I with him, but after a while he kinda just starts to loose interest in me.
My problem is mostly this: He has a lot of friends, and he always wants them to come over or hang out with them…with me tagging along. And its fine, but its not very fun when your the one standing alone in the corner. Its hard for me to socialize even with people I already know. I say a few words, be polite, but I feel as if what I say doesn’t matter so I keep my mouth shut most of the time. I cant help it that I don’t feel very comfortable, but when I mention it to him, it seems like it bothers him. I don’t know what to do, all I want is for him to be happy, but its hard for me too. I tell him he can take me home whenever he’d like, but he doesn’t. And I feel as if I’m ruining his social life. I feel bad, I keep telling him I don’t want to hog him or anything and that he can leave to do his own thing whenever he’d like, but I think he much rather be mad and bored around me. I cant stand it when he gets frustrated with me, I feel like its all my fault and I’m always ready to take the blame and apologize. But its bringing me down, I’m already struggling with things, its starting to get hard handling this too….What should I do?..

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14 Answers

ninjacolin's avatar

“I cant help it that I don’t feel very comfortable [socializing]”

this is a false statement. You can help it. If you knew how to be more social you would feel more comfortable with it. It’s a matter of education and practice.

Disc2021's avatar

@ninjacolin To his defense, sure he can help it, by being someone he’s not.

You’re introverted and you’ve stated yourself, you like being introverted. You dont have to change anything you don’t want to. No point while reading your post did I think “Wow, this person needs help”.

That said, perhaps your friend just doesn’t understand that you’re truly an introvert. I have a friend who is very outgoing and very extroverted – he grew up inside of the “in” crowd and I was kind of always the kid in the corner, (as you’ve put it). For some reason when we get together, we have one of the best/healthiest friendships I’ve ever seen. We could talk about anything, no subject is taboo, hours feel like minutes, etc. However, there has been some strain on our friendship just because of the fact that we’re two very different people in this regard. My situation was a tad different though – it was more or less him putting certain acquaintances “over me” in public and sort of tweaking his usual demeanor to tailor to others. This would annoy me but eventually I realized, it’s just who he is – he likes to be a “people-pleaser” when he can and it isn’t necessarily an attack on our friendship.

My point is, this is just an area where the both of you need to take a step back to understand each other. I dont think your friend is behaving wrong, necessarily – maybe he just wants you guys to all hang out collectively as a group sometimes and in doing so, introduce you to other people. I dont think you’re behaving wrong either – naturally, hanging around a group of people just isn’t your thing and you’d prefer one-to-one communication.

The compromise? Why not just try talking to your friend about it? Maybe you could try “opening up” to his friends next time – but also express to your friend that you value the times that you spend together alone. I’m sure there’s a happy medium in there somewhere.

Kardamom's avatar

I think he’s upset because you make no effort to get to know any of these other people that he considers to be his friends too. Unless these other friends of his are hideous, awful people, it’s likely that your friend likes them because they are nice and fun and have things in common. You are only doing yourself a disservice by standing in the corner and keeping your mouth shut. This is the perfect opportunity for you to come out of your shell and learn to be a more sociable person and possibly get yourself some more friends. Just go up to one or more of these folks and say hello and ask them a little about themselves and then tell them a little about yourself. You can even mention that you’re a little nervous to break the ice. But if you just expect your friend to hang out with you alone and not spend any time with groups of other people that he likes, he will eventually stop hanging around you.

xjustxxclaudiax's avatar

I’ve asked him several times that he should have like buddy nights during the week, but he doesn’t bother to plan them. I suggest we should spend time apart, but he wont. Its not easy for me to make new friends, I feel like a monkey and not being myself. I don’t like putting off a show or talking a lot, and usually their conversations don’t interest me, So I just sit there and listen. I’m actually more comfortable writing and texting than talking…I tend to stutter or not make sense, which is embarrassing. I always end up making a fool of myself whenever I do try. Its hard..

BarnacleBill's avatar

Sometimes a good defense in a group is to tell the truth right up front. Tell people you’re shy and very quiet, but it doesn’t mean you’re not having a good time. Usually if you start out with a smile, and greet people by name, it goes okay. Try to ask each person a question about something that you remember about them, or about something they say.

Don’t feel like you have to be the life of the party. It’s okay to be the quiet one.

Meego's avatar

I don’t think he is. I think you think too much on the negative side instead of having fun, unfortunately a side effect of being alone too long. But you do matter and so do your thoughts and ideas if it feels different maybe he’s not the friend for you.

Pattijo's avatar

I see you over thinking things , he has not once said you annoy him or he’s mad . You said he acts like it and maybe it’s you just thinking it . Try seeing how he reacts to others and in small steps see if you can slowly mingle a little more .
Look in the mirror and talk to yourself and let yourself know your worthy of having a great friend and that you are a good friend as well .
Your question is one of the best questions I’ve answered , I love how you wrote it . See take that and run with it , for real !
You just need a bit of confidence and you’ll be fine

YARNLADY's avatar

Ask him, not us.

Bellatrix's avatar

Yarnlady is spot on I think. A lot of your fear is conjecture, you don’t know for sure he is finding you irritating. You need to talk to him about how things are going between you two. Give him a chance to say how is feeling about your relationship.

And as to not being comfortable mixing with people, sometimes we just have to fake it a little. The more you do it, the easier it may become and if you talk to some of his friends about things that interest you, who knows, you might find one or two of them have similar interests.

ninjacolin's avatar

@YARNLADY Best advice.

“Be yourself” is the stupidest, laziest, most ignorant advice ever.
Sure, be yourself, run from your problems.
Be yourself, don’t talk to.. people! that’s ridiculous.
Be yourself, practice being shy more.
Be yourself, stay home. talk through text messages. this is good for you.
Be yourself, don’t go to university. Just keep the knowledge you currently have. Don’t reach out for more information.

This is sarcasm, btw.

“Yourself” is usually the first person you should blame. To learn to become more social isn’t being “not yourself”.. it’s becoming a more educated and empowered version of yourself.

As @Disc2021 suggested, clearly getting you and the rest of his friends together is a thing this dude likes to do. He values it. It would be a great gift from you to him for you to learn to get along better with his friends. You don’t have to become amazing friends with his friends. It could be that his crowd and you simply don’t have the best chemistry. But relationships are an exchange. You feed the relationship value and it pays you back with value. He’s offering you friends. Bring something to the table socially and you will have a different experience with his friends than you’ve had in the past.

Keep in mind what I told you, you CAN feel more comfortable in that environment. And even worse, it can really really benefit you to do so.

xjustxxclaudiax's avatar

Thanks everybody, especially ninjacolin. Yea I have asked him and all he says is no, but the vibe that he gives me makes me think differently. When there’s nothing wrong, he’ll sit next to me, holds me, talks to me, things of that sort…but when there’s something wrong that he wont tell me, he’ll be distant, serious, and quiet…and the whole time its just awkward between us. I have no problem talking to people when I need to, doesn’t mean I want to. I’m not going to break into this whole sob story or whatever, I just don’t feel good when it comes to being social with others, especially for long periods of time. Its not as simple as it seems. I really do enjoy being by myself, and yes I do over think things and I know that’s a whole other problem. But he knows this, its one of the first things I told him when we first started really getting to know each other. And most of the time its him asking me to hang out, and I never say no. He’s probably the only person besides my family that I never say no to and he’s the only person I never get tired of spending time with.
But I’ve realized that I’ve been selfish, and out of respect for him I should put more effort in being more social. And maybe you guys are right, I might meet new friends…I just want him to be happy. I’ll try.

BarnacleBill's avatar

If you lack social skills, your ability to pick up on social cues is out of whack. You are creating the vibes that something is wrong in your head. Unfortunately, if you keep picking away at it, it will be come true. The problem will become that you are going to go from “high maintenance” to “ridiculously high maintenance” and reach the tipping point for the guy to where it’s more than he can manage. And, subconsciously, you are trying to make him do just that, as a self-fulfilling script.

If you really want him to be happy, quit overanalyzing him, and his emotions. You’re seeing things that are probably not be there. He’s entitled as a person to think to himself without sharing what he’s thinking. He doesn’t need to tell you what. Just keep in mind—he sees something in you that makes him want to take you out amongst his friends and spend time with you. Find that inside yourself and RESPECT IT. He values it, you find it and value it, too. If you need professional help to find it, get it.

Kardamom's avatar

If your desire to be alone were not a “problem” then you could just continue to be that way, but because it is interfering with your life, it is a problem. You should consider getting some goal oriented limited therapy. Another thing that you should consider is joining an organization called Toastmasters. They have chapters all over the country and all over the world. They’re an organization dedicated to teaching people confidence, leadership skills and especially speaking skills. They’re not going to turn you into another person, they’re just going to take what you are and make you better and more comfortable and more at ease with yourself, especially when you’re around other people.

You’re going to spend your life meeting people (by chance or on purpose). No one says you have to like any of them (but why you wouldn’t want to find friends to like and enjoy their company is beyond me). Learning social skills is a sign of maturity. Don’t stay in the dark and sit at home by yourself. And don’t put your friend in this awkward position. I’m sure he likes you just fine, but you are kind of making him take care of you, like you would a child.

Stefaniebby's avatar

I think you’re over thinking yourself. If he didn’t want to hang out with you every day he wouldn’t invite you!

Don’t be so down on yourself because you’re not used to having a huge group of friends, that’s totally normal. Maybe you should try stepping out of your comfort zone and talking to other people besides him. I know it doesn’t sound easy and maybe it’s not something you would want to do. However if you’re so concerned about your social skills and being accepted by your friend and his friends maybe you need to find a group that is more similar with you so you can take that first step out of your comfort zone.

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