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ratfinkface89's avatar

I have been good to my girlfriend of 4 years and she just randomly left me for this other guy, what should i do?

Asked by ratfinkface89 (34points) February 21st, 2011

i have been with this girl for 4 years and it has been a wonderful 4 years, anyways last week she lied to me about going to stay with a friend when she was really going to see this other guy. we weren’t fighting and she seemed happy with me at the time. i called her that night and she accidentally answered her phone and didn’t know that i could hear what she was saying. she was talking to that guy about breaking up with me for him, i don’t know what to do. i have tried talking to her and all she does is lie to me about being with someone else and she is living with this guy now. i am just so heartbroken over this, i really wish she still felt for me like she used to, i am 22 btw.

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22 Answers

osullivanbr's avatar

I feel for you mate, I really do. This is a horrible situation, but you have to realize that this is a good thing that it happened now. Imagine how much worse this would be if this situation had happened 10 years down the line when you were married with kids.
And it would happen, if she has it in her now to be so deceitful, she’ll always have it in her.

Nobody deserves to put up with this kind of carry on in their relationships. You need to end this, and move on with your life. You will find someone who will completely love you for who you are and will be faithful.

Even though you don’t see it now, you are better off without her.

rclaireh's avatar

If she did that to you, you are better off without her. There’s someone else out there who will treat you with more respect and who will love you as you deserve. I know it’s hard because it’s so random after such a long committed time, but here’s your chance to move on and make the most of your life. You will be happy again.

tinyfaery's avatar

Just because you thought everything was going well does not mean she felt the same. It’s pretty obvious that she didn’t. She is being pretty skeezy about the whole thing. She should have just talked to you about it. You don’t want someone who would treat you that way, anyway.

Sorry. There is someone else out there for you. Don’t let this experience turn you off to love.

dreamer31's avatar

That hurts! Sorry she is playing with your heart. But if she is already living with this person, it does not say very much about her own state of mind. Move on with your head held high and do not let her keep you in her grasp.

zenvelo's avatar

Oh, man, this must be painful for you.

It will be hard for you, but you need to realize now that it is over, and it is now time to take care of yourself. Cut off communication with her, feel your feelings about being dumped, but prepare to move on. Don’t kid yourself into thinking she’ll come back. She has moved on.

Zaku's avatar

Find a better girl.

wundayatta's avatar

This happened to me on my 22nd birthday, and it lead to two years of hell. I was living in a place where I had no friends. I was lonely and depressed. It was the worst time of my life.

Oddly, it lead to the best time of my life. I never realized that until just now.

It may take a long time, but you will get better, eventually. Heartache is the worst. You probably can expect to be depressed. Being around friends and doing volunteer work and exercising and getting out will help a lot. Good luck, man.

WasCy's avatar

I’m sorry for your loss.

Can I give you the perspective from 35 years on? My wife (of 6 months) did the same thing to me. Then while we were divorcing she moved (with him) into the apartment just below me. Talk about twisting the knife!

Years passed. I remarried and had a good marriage to a good woman and produced two wonderful kids.

Her having left me, since before she did she was also as deceitful to me as your girl has been to you, is the best thing she could have done for me. I’m so thankful (now) to have been spared the drama and heartache.

I won’t kid you; it was hard to get over, and I felt murderous thoughts for awhile. But I had great friends and counselors who helped me deal with my anger, and I got through that. I never touched her, and never intimated that I wanted to; I just had to let her go completely.

Welcome to Fluther. You found the right place to help you deal from afar. If you have some close friends you can trust and confide in, now is the time to call on them, too. Get through the first few months and then put this behind you for good. If you “win” her back now, then you lose. That opportunity was once presented to me, too, and I declined. I have never regretted that.

El_Cadejo's avatar

Is there any relation to this….

Kardamom's avatar

I am so sorry that this happened to you. You may never get a good or clear answer as to the “whys.” This young lady sounds like she didn’t have a very good head on her shoulders or heart in her chest. Somewhere along the line, she probably just fell out of love with you, for reasons that she herself, may not even be able to explain.

That being said, she compounded the problem by not telling you the truth, and moving on with her life before she completed the unfinished business she had with you. Those are 2 of the worst things a person can do to someone that they are involved with.

I suspect that she’s was too scared to tell you because A: she didn’t want to hurt you (even though she ultimately did) or B: she just didn’t care that much and she had already fallen for the other guy and was too lazy and un-compassionate to treat you kindly. The latter thing happened to me when I was about your same age. It was horrific and humiliating to say the least.

The only thing you can do (don’t bother asking her why she did this because she’s already lied to you and doesn’t care much about your feelings, so she’ll either lie again or make you look like you are the bad guy) is pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move forward.

You need to start doing things with friends and family that you enjoy doing, instead of sitting around thinking about her and all the “whys” and “what ifs.” You need to get up and get out and keep busy, every day. You’re probably going to feel crappy for awhile, but if you let yourself continue to think about her and worry about what happened, you won’t be able to move forward.

When you meet a new woman that you like, don’t go on and on about this awful girlfriend, except to briefly explain that you were hurt pretty badly and how and that you would like to take it very slowly and that you consider honesty to be the best policy.

Try your hardest not to assume that “most women” are like your ex. That will only become a self fulfilling prophecy if you scare off the good ones by assuming that cheating and dumping is inevitable. Just be more communicative (not jealous or assumptive) with any new girlfriends that you get. Good luck to you : )

josie's avatar

That’s as rough as it gets. But better to find out now before you invest any more of yourself in a loser.

Cruiser's avatar

Consider yourself lucky that you don’t now have to explain to all your friends and relatives who would have paid big money to watch you 2 get married why you are now getting divorced! Dust yourself off and go find yourself another gal.

jj78's avatar

if you want any chances of this working, trying to talk her into being with you will only push her further into his arms. your best chance is to make your self attractive again, you are not attractive to her anymore because of your actions not looks. sit her down and say in a very calm way, and say i know your seeing this other guy and i have to much respect for myself to be with a person like that, it is over between us, do not call me do not text, me do not try to contact me in anyway. and you must stick to it if you want her back do this for at least 2 weeks after that 2 week period do not reach out to her but if she contacts you be cool happy and positve like you have allready moved on, keep the conversation very short answer a question or two she may have and then say you are busy with something can you call her back in a week or two. she will contact you 80% sure of this but if she does not after a month, go ahead and give her a call, and be a friend you dont want her back unless you know she is really sorry for what she did and not seeing anyone and that she really makes an effort to show she is sorry

ratfinkface89's avatar

to uberbatman, no there is no relation.

ratfinkface89's avatar

thank you all for your answers and support, i really appreciate it.

ratfinkface89's avatar

this is not an answer but the second, more horrible part to my question. ok so i told yall about the girl leaving me and everything but i just found out yesterday that she may be pregnant with my baby and she says she doesn’t want to be with me baby or not. now, of course i would not want to bring a child into this world and then not man-up and take care of it, but i just don’t know if i can be that guy that sends child support payments every month while the girl he loves is off with someone else. i am just really starting to hate my life at this point. it’s like i can’t catch a break. also i know that it takes two to get pregnant so if she has a baby it is half my fault and therefore i have to take some responsibilty but it just seems so wrong for all these things to happen to me and while i’m so young.

ratfinkface89's avatar

this is not an answer but the second, more horrible part to my question. i told yall all about the sad and pathetic story of my life. i found out yesterday that she may be pregnant with my baby and i’m just feeling like this life is a lost cause now. everything i do and have done will be for nothing because she says she doesn’t want to be with me baby or not. i just don’t think i can be that guy who sends child support while the girl he loves is with someone else. i know it would be my fault if she is pregnant and i should and will man-up and take care of the child but it just seems so wrong and unfair for all these bad things to be happening to me especially while i’m only 22. i’m really hating my life right now because i can’t bare the thought of having to raise a kid with a mom and dad who are split up just like i was raised. that makes me want to cry, and me having a big heart like i do of course i will just bite the bullet like i always do and take any shit that comes my way.

ratfinkface89's avatar

sorry for two of them my interwebs are lagging

Kardamom's avatar

Oh honey, I’m so sorry. The first thing you need to do is to find out for certain whether the baby is yours with a DNA test. Then you need to talk to her to find out whether or not she wants to keep the baby or put it up for adoption or have an abortion. Unfortunately for you, even though you may be the potential father, the decision really lies in her hands.

You need to find out these things immediately. If you would like her to terminate the pregnancy, you will need to talk to her, maybe with your parents and her parents present. It has to be a mutual decision. Hopefully you two can come to a decision together. If she refuses to speak to you about it, then you need to contact a lawyer and find out what your rights and responsibilites will be in the other two situations (her keeping the baby and raising it, or giving it up for adoption).

If it turns out that the baby is yours and she decides to keep it, you need to decide very quickly if you are going to be a part of the baby’s life and help to raise it, or if you will simply be an absentee father paying child support. You will have to pay child support either way, but whether you want to raise the baby with her (while she’s with another man) is your decision. You should definitely talk to your parents about this whole situation if you haven’t already. They might not be very happy to hear about any of this mess, but after they calm down, they will have some sort of an opionion.

If she refuses to get a DNA test right away, you will be in the very unfortunate position of having to wait until the baby is born (if she decides to have it) to find out for certain whether it is yours. That is why you need to be very insistent that she get the test done immediately. But legally, I don’t think you can force her until after the fact.

If she refuses to get the DNA test now (and let you know for sure) but then she has the baby and then you find out that it’s yours, she might decide to give the child up for adoption. In that case, you may be able to contest the adoption and choose to take custody of the baby, yourself. If you don’t want to do that, you can sign away your parental rights. That is why I think you should talk to your own parents. They may want to help you to raise the child.

The other possibility is that you won’t know if the child is yours until it is born and she wants to keep the baby. Then you have to decide if you want joint custody, want to give her complete custody, give you visitation rights or if you want to terminate your parental rights. I believe that you are legally obligated to pay child support unless you legally terminate your parental rights, but this last situation I’m not clear on. That is why you should contact a lawyer immediately to find out about both your rights and your responsibilites.

I’m so sorry that this happened. I hope it works out for all of you.

jj78's avatar

yeah, you having a baby and your relationship to her have to be separate. if you think thats your baby you cant get her court order to take a dna test, i would talk to her now very serious about this now and if she does not want to talk to you about this like an adult i would talk to a lawer as soon as possible to see your legal choices now. if its your baby then you need to do your part this other guy does not matter. she could be making this up to keep you in her life. so dont beg for her back.

AlexLanni's avatar

Kardamom and jj78 have given you the appropriate answer, that’s what is to be done.

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