General Question

BBSDTfamily's avatar

Is there a milestone in a marriage that makes it more likely to last?

Asked by BBSDTfamily (6824points) February 22nd, 2011

Maybe a certain anniversary (ex. 7 years), the birth of a second child, buying the first home, a large increase in money? I’m really looking for statistics here, but opinions are welcome also.

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13 Answers

SpatzieLover's avatar

My understanding is right after the “7 year itch” divorce rates drop.

While I’m looking for that recent stat for you here is an interesting article on marriage & divorce rates

12Oaks's avatar

Well, starting with making sure you marry the right person whom through sickness and health, richer or poorer, the good times and bad, you plan to love, honor, and cherish ‘til death do you part. Other than that, basing this only on my like 18 years of marriage, I don’t remember no milestone, other than saying “I do,” and meaning it, that made me say “Yep, not this is forever.”

Jeruba's avatar

I don’t think so.

At 5 years I thought nothing could shake us, ever.

At 19 years I wouldn’t have given two cents for our chances of making our 20th anniversary.

At 33 years I think we’re good for the long haul.

Kids’ births, pets’ deaths, parents’ illnesses and deaths, our various serious prolonged illnesses, job losses and gains, financial ups and downs (not necessarily in equal measure), assorted small and large disasters, spells of gloom, moments of triumph, and I don’t know what all else: nothing seemed to say “Here be Certainty” more than anything else. I think it’s a pretty individual matter and depends on the people, not the events that befall them.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

To learn something about them that makes you scared at the beginning, to forgive and to move on.

BBSDTfamily's avatar

I asked my husband his opinion just now (he doesn’t have Fluther) and he says that if you both make it past the growing up stage together, then you’re better off. Makes sense. We married young and went through that stage… if we can make it through that hopefully we’ve got an edge on this marriage thing ;)

SuppRatings's avatar

The “I do” part. In all seriousness, if you make it past the first year you have the best chance, but after that it’s a crap shoot. Just try your best and hope your partner does, and its definitely a shoot worth taking.

blueiiznh's avatar

Sorry if I give you a none answer to your question or steer off from a “milestone” driven metric.
Because each of us is unique and each relationship is unique, I am uncertain if there are any stats you could flesh out like that.
My feeling is that as long as there is open positive direct communication you are on a good road with solid ground.
No matter the age or anniversaries or child number is a telling stat to getting you through those really tough times that all relationships go through. But direct communication and a desire to get through them is most telling to me.

YARNLADY's avatar

One milestone might be when both patties can agree on a method of resolving the inevitable conflicts, either based on counseling or a book they both read. Ours was The Intimate Enemy

Sunny2's avatar

I agree with @blueiiznh. Every marriage is different. What I find disturbing is that so many people these days don’t even aspire to have only one marriage. “I love him/her and I want to get married. If it doesn’t work out, I’ll get divorced.” Others don’t take the time to find out before marrying, what the other person is really like. They don’t think! A good marriage lasts because of your ability to think and solve the problems of every day reality. Milestones? I don’t think that’s the test. You’re never home free. On the other hand, maybe your 50th anniversary is a good bet that you’ll stay together. Then you start fussing about who’s gonna die first.

bunnygrl's avatar

@blueiiznh well said and GA.

I think @Sunny2 is right too. It seems to me, in these days of celebrity marriages that last about 3 seconds and seem more like a photo opportunity than a real commitment, there are no role models to follow. The culture of celebrity has been given too much importance these past 10–15 years. Youngsters don’t aspire to be talented anymore, to develop skills. They want to be famous. So their role models have become people who are willing to sell their souls to be in the Big Brother House, then come out and So many people buy these junk mags which cash in on people’s obsession with celebrities, (I don’t mean to offend anyone but who cares what some celeb airhead is wearing this week?).

When I married my hubby over 26 years ago, I knew I’d still be his wife when I died (no matter who goes first and <touch wood> it’ll be me) and he felt the same. We haven’t had to read books or see councellors or therapists (and I’m not criticising anyone who has) thats not to say we haven’t had rows or faced those bumps in life’s road that everyone does, but we’ve faced all of them together, us against the world. He’s my best friend, he knows my moods and feelings like nobody else does (even better than I do at times) and no matter what comes, I know he’ll always be in my corner. I know that I’ll certainly always be in his, so long as there is a breath left in my body.

As @Sunny2 said, there aren’t any milestones, there is only a willingness to put your partner first in all things, to love them no matter what. I suppose what I’m trying to say is that the most important thing in a marriage is good comunication, and really, I mean REALLY, knowing your partner, all of their little quirks and moods, and loving them for who they are, not who you wish they were.

bunnygrl's avatar

Apologies honey, for some reason I couldn’t edit my reply above. It wouldn’t let me. when I pressed edit, it opened another window and in that one when I tried to change text it highlighted it instead <puzzled>. ho hum.

Anyway, what I was trying to say was that for so many kids these days, their role models aren’t their parents but z list celebs (like the big brother lot) who don’t seem to stay married long enough to let the ink dry on the marriage certificate. I long for the days when reality tv didn’t exist, when people looked at their parents and thought “I wanna be like them”, When people considered marriage to be a lifetime commitment. Yes, some marriages don’t work for lots of reasons but (unless there is violence involved, in which case walk away and keep walking. No one is put on this earth to be a punchbag for anyone else) maybe if folk worked on them a little, instead of being so quick to just walk away and look for another partner, maybe more of them would work? We seem to live in such a disposable society these days, it makes me feel so sad.

Tsk, I do waffle on. What I’m trying to say is that if you both love each other, if you are friends as well as partners, you won’t be looking for milestones. They creep up on you and tap you on the shoulder at times, like when you notice you’ve been married for a quarter of a century, you stop, think “hey… cool” then go back to what you were doing. It really is the journey that counts, not the milestones you’re passing. If the journey is the right one you’re too busy enjoying being with each other to even notice them :-)
huggles honeys xx

john65pennington's avatar

Its not about the money. Its not about physical objects. Its not about having children.

Its about love and respect for each other.

It our case, it took about five years for my wife and I to reach this milestone, in our marriage.

chiibii's avatar

Love is a verb, not a feeling. Marriage takes commitment, no matter who you marry. I am positive that I married The Right Guy For Me but we still have to work at it.

In answer to your question, I have heard countless teachers and preachers and folk like that say that the first year is the hardest, then the next 4 are the hardest, then right around year 18 to 20 is the hardest. After you get past “the major hump” of the 20th year, they say you start reaping the benefits.

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