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minniemau5's avatar

Boyfriend's best friend is a girl - How do I get over jealousy?

Asked by minniemau5 (432points) March 1st, 2011

My boyfriend (of about 3 months) has a best friend who is a girl. They have been friends for a long time and they tell each other “I love you” and send hearts and stuff – she lives back in his home town. He says he doesn’t love her in a romantic way and obviously doesn’t want to ‘date’ her, and he claims he doesn’t want anyone but me, but the hearts and i love yous make me really insecure. How can I get over this? I don’t want to be a crazy jealous girlfriend.

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19 Answers

Seelix's avatar

Best to get over this now, while the relationship is young. Otherwise, it’ll only bother you more as time goes by.

Obviously he doesn’t want to date her, because if he did he already would have made his move. They’d either be together or no longer friends, most likely.

Have you told him how you feel about it? Maybe he’d be willing to tone it down while you’re around.

12Oaks's avatar

If it bothers you that much, looks like you have to break up. If you tell him “It’s either me or her in your life….”, which do you think he’ll pick? Either live with his friends (all of them) or break up. There will be plenty of more guys to date.

Soubresaut's avatar

I’ve got two friends who are extremely close, but just friends. They say ‘love you’ too, to each other. They’re always hanging onto and hugging each other. The guy even got the girl a ring for her birthday and they play like they’re engaged. But they’re so not involved with each other, and so just really really close friends.
The relationship, while it isn’t brother and sister, is closer to that then boyfriend and girlfriend.

“he claims he doesn’t want anyone but me”—How lucky you are to have a boyfriend that only wants you.

To get over the jealousy… you’re going to have to trust your boyfriend when he says that he isn’t, and doesn’t want to be, with anyone but you; trust that you’re worth his time; trust that he wants you darling.

Jeruba's avatar

i confess i would have a hard time with this too. i wd say the best cure is time – once you have some solid history with him & feel really confident of his feelings you wont feel so threatened by her.

but how are you seeing the hearts & love? if you are snooping this is probably not going to work out bec of your suspicions. if he is showing them to you, i wonder why.

JmacOroni's avatar

My best friend is a guy, and he is one of the very few people on this earth that I will actually say “I love you” to. He happens to be charming and a very good looking guy, so naturally my husband was wary at first. Over the years he came to see that our love for each other is purely platonic, more like familial love, and that if we wanted something to happen between us.. it would have happened long before he came into the picture. Just a similar example, but hopefully it will give you a little peace of mind.
In the meanwhile, working on your jealousy has to come from within. You either trust him, or you don’t, and if you don’t.. then I hate to say it, but you are wasting your time in this relationship.

Meego's avatar

You either get over it, or if you can’t and he won’t respect your feelings then you move on. My husband had lots of friends guys and girls and one thing he never did was ever get “carried away” like their friendship was better than ours, and it was fully out of respect for me because he knew how I felt, and he always wanted me comfortable.

jlelandg's avatar

I’ve been interested in girls like this before. Sometimes they get married to their guy pal and sometimes they don’t. i would also slightly be worried about him being gay? Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

KateTheGreat's avatar

I had that problem once. That relationship ended reaaaaaaaaaaaallllllllll quick.

hobbitsubculture's avatar

Sorry to be the cynic here, but your jealousy might be telling you something.

My first boyfriend had a close female friend. I always felt a little suspicious of the way they acted together. One night at a roller rink, he decided to dance the couple skate with her instead of me. I was too slow a skater, he said. Couple weeks later, I found them in the school cafeteria, her on his lap, all cuddled together.

The guy I was with after that always flirted with his various female friends. And with the way that made me feel, I figured I was just the jealous type.

Turns out, I’m only the jealous type when I’m given reason to be. I have been with my partner for eight years. He has more female friends than I do. And he has never, not even once, put me in the position of being jealous.

So, are you only reacting to their relationship, or is this your nature? If you’re insecure or tend to get jealous easily, give yourself a chance to trust him. Make sure you are always open with one another. But if jealousy and insecurity aren’t normally your personality traits, you might be picking up cues about his relationship with her—or what he wishes his relationship with her would be.

Kardamom's avatar

It sounds like your boyfriend might be gay. I’ve told this story a couple of times this week, but I’ll tell it again. I used to date a guy who showed no outward appearances of being gay, he didn’t talk “gay” he didn’t walk “gay” and he didn’t act unusual around males. He had told me that he had had several girlfriends in his past and that he almost married one of them, but it just didn’t work out. But guess what, turns out he was gay! We’re a little older, so back in the day when we were teens and 20 somethings, it was absolutely not cool to “come out of the closet.” Subsequently, there were lots of men who turned out to be gay that either had girlfriends or even got married. When you are completely terrified that you will be found out, as hard as it may seem to swing the other way, that is exactly what a lot of gay people do (until they can’t take it anymore, they’re found out, or the times change).

But if you know any gay guys that are out of the closet, you probably know that they make tremendous friends. Likely because they have more things in common with women than your average straight guy. So this would explain why he has a female best friend and you as a “girlfriend.” He might not ever tell you that he’s gay, either, and that will be a problem for you if you can’t find out for sure.

There’s also the possibility that your boyfriend was in some way “romantically involved” with this other girl, even though yours and his definitions of “involved” might be quite different. He might not have wanted a real relationship (like a dating situation with her) but he might very well enjoy all of the “benefits” that come with this type of relationship. They get to play house, and wear rings, and say lovey-dovey things to each other, but he has no committment to her. And he gets to have 2 women. Bet he loves this situation. I bet you don’t. I would not be able to put up with it. This woman is not his sister, so IMO, it’s not very kosher of him to be so close and lovey-dovey with her. It’s kind of creepy. Plus if you stay with him, you will never truly be his number one.

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BarnacleBill's avatar

If your radar’s going off, listen to it. People have different ideas as to what’s okay in a relationship. Having a best friend of the opposite sex is one thing, playing kissy face, even long distance is something else. The few times this has happened to my daughters, it turns out the guy thought they were “just friends” but the girls thought they were long distance dating. Guys aren’t always the greatest at communicating relationship status, especially if it means giving up friends with benefits when they get back home from school during vactions.

marinelife's avatar

1. Remember that he could have been dating her, but that he chose you.

Do what you need to do to get over this (talk to a therapist or whatever) because it will kill your relationship.

BBSDTfamily's avatar

I went through the exact thing with the guy I’m now married to while we were dating. He didn’t say “I love you” back but he did other things that were uncomfortable for me. I was honest with him and told him it bothered me and why- and guess what? He was the right guy for me so he nipped the love talk in the bud with her and they remained friends ( just “normal” acting friends) and our relationship continued to grow. Don’t be scared of what he’ll do… if it bothers you this bad and he doesn’t care enough to tone it down a bit with his friend, then he is not the guy for you anyway!!!!!

kheredia's avatar

Unless she’s gay then there’s definitely something else going on there.. even if neither will admit it.. maybe not physically but emotionally.. my fiance use to have a female friend who always flirted with him.. he was in denial!!! He always said I was seeing things.. well, it turned out that once she got her own man she decided to leave mine alone.. they hardly ever talk now a days.. I guess now we know what she really wanted huh.. anyhow, be careful.. pay close attention to what’s going on cause if you don’t, you’re going to end up getting hurt.

Hibernate's avatar

Well…you have to understand that most of the time a best friend is found between people from different sex. Why ? because even if you get along with someone from your sex sometimes you’ll compare yourself with him/her or you’ll try to see who’s better [ need to explain here… not like a game or who does things faster .. it’;s just things like whoi’s taller .. who’s smarter .. who has biger hair etc etc ]
With someone from different sex you can’t compare way to many things because he/she is different than you.

Not to mention that if he wanted something to happen he would have done a step toward that don’t you agree ?

Cheers ^^

Supacase's avatar

My big question is, does she now about you? Are you sure she knows about you? As long as he has everything out in the open for both of you, then he isn’t really doing anything wrong. This is just his life.

The hearts and stuff are a little much. That makes me more suspicious than anything.

I dated a guy who was best buds with a girl and a guy he was in the military with even years after they were discharged. They lived several hours away and, of course, if anything was going to happen it already would have. Fast forward a few years when I enter the picture. Turns out he had started dating her a few months before he started dating me and neither one of us knew.

AshlynM's avatar

Have you actually told your bf this? Does he know your feelings about his female best friend? He won’t know how you’re feeling unless you talk to him about it.

If he wanted to date his best friend, he would be doing it, and not be dating you.

So you should trust him when he says he wants only you. That’s my advice. But…on the other hand, if you’re really insecure, I’d end this relationship now before it gets too deep.

angelina55500's avatar

I’m having the same problem with my current boyfriend we’re having a long distance relationship and he have a lot of female friends there and they go out alone and it’s driving me crazy because I really love him and I suffer when we break up he even put a status the name of his friend my love I know I’m only 18 but I love him and I don’t know what to do!!!!! ec

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