Can someone please talk me out of confronting my boyfriend (serious answers please, see details)

I suggest that you mutually agree to inform each other beforehand if at any time one or the other is motivated to get intimately involved with anyone else. If you can do so and trust each other without snooping or stalking, then you may have a basis for a strong relationship.

@Dr_Lawrence, thank you for the response—we do in fact have such an “agreement” but when it comes to his ex, it’s a whole other story. I know he respects me enough to inform me if such a thing were to happen with another girl, but I don’t know about his ex falling into that category. Also, the entire snooping and stalking thing is my issue and stems from what happened between us in the past, so I’m learning little by little to trust him more, but there are still things like this (the ex) that I get really stressed about.

Hey there, I have about the same situation. But, distance is the real factor, I have a boyfriend who dated his ex for 6 years, obviously they grew up together basically, so i understood them talking. And, I just came out and said, this kinda makes me uncomfortable, which isn’t like I am innocent I am friends with all of my ex-boyfriends. It’s just such a long relationship you can’t help but wonder, you know? Anywho, the best thing to do I think in all relationships is communicate, 100% it’s the best thing. Just so nothing eats at you. Two people who get along perfectly will break everything off due to lack of communication, just talk to him. And, yes I was guilty of also stalking her profile, because she was very beautiful, a model as well. But, after I talked to him he reassured me that the relationship he had with me was far more loving, and worthwhile.

I’ve been in similar situations recently, I really think the best way to go about solving this problem is to get it out in the open. Tell him you saw the text, if you don’t it’ll just seem fishy and at least everything will be out. And you’ll get his two cents on the matter. Good luck.

Whoa, you’ve got yourself a pickle, there, no doubt. The thing is, without getting right down into why they broke up, your boyfriend seems to have a deeper connection in his heart to her than the way I feel about my ex. My ex was my second girlfriend ever, we were together 4 years during which she cheated on me several times, separated for 2 and a half years, then I joined the army and married her. 2 kids involved, BTW. Together for another 4 years, then she left while I was deployed the first time. I never looked back after that. I was a doormat, true, but after the last time something changed inside of me regarding her, and while I at one point decided I still loved her, and talked to her about it, I decided for myself that I was better off alone than with her ever again. I still communicate with her, mostly because of the kids.
If he is a nice guy, he may have women in his mind, put up on a pedestal that says women make better moral judgments and decisions than men. A buddy of mine and I were talking a couple months ago and we both agreed that we need to have a break-up be HER fault, otherwise we feel guilty for having sex with her and not living the rest of our lives with her, if that is what she wants. This is a very pervasive subconscious attitude, and in my opinion is the direct cause of nice guys with no balls and nice girls who are only attracted to ass-holes.
Point of all this is, if he sees it as his responsibility to continue taking care of her, because he didn’t have the same kind of experience I did, where something ‘snapped’ or changed inside concerning her, then he will continue to be a doormat for her despite risking the relationship you have with him. His own self respect may be at stake, and/or his personal sense of honor.
I figured I would mention it, so if you do get into it with him you may have a little bigger picture to draw conclusions from, rather than just assuming he is still hung up on her like some of the other posters might assume.

@abaraxadac GA, it is really helpful to kind of hear this from “the other side”. I guess he just hasn’t had that something “snap” inside yet, although he does once in a while mention how much he “hates” her because she’s an “evil bitch”. She actually did cheat on him, among other things, but I guess that happened to you as well and you still went back to her initially. But anyway, I do appreciate your response because it does give me a better picture of things.

Can I ask you, have you since moved on with another relationship? Or have you kind of just decided to be alone and not with her?

How do you know for sure that she didn’t come over that night if you haven’t talked to him about it? The fact that he responded in that way to her is really scary! Perhaps he hasn’t had enough time to get over her completely.. a 10 year relationship cannot be easy to get over.. I think you should definitely express your concerns about this.. If he is a reasonable man then he should understand where you’re coming from.. I would be worried too if I were you.

@kheredia I don’t want to go into details, and you’re right, I am not 100% sure, but I’m pretty positive because of some other stuff.

@ette_ That has a couple of answers. First, it has been 5 years since she left, two of which I have spent deployed again(on the tail end of the last one now). I went to see a woman in Australia during my R&R that I met playing halo 3. That relationship was very beneficial for me, as it helped me get my head back on straight. Before that I was mixed, sometimes I wanted to date again and sometimes I wanted nothing to do with chicks in my life, screwing it up again.
The woman from Australia recently broke up with me because I was not considering a life with her, and the relationship wasn’t ‘going anywhere’. I said ‘okay’, and two days later she was trying to reconcile. I see a manipulative pattern there, and want none of it.
I have recently decided to get into the dating game for real, but knowing nothing about it(second girlfriend and married, right?) I have been looking into different things, and the one that helped me more than anything else, to see exactly where my internal attitudes were skewed, was an online book called “Double your Dating” by David DeAngelo, that advertises like a scam or something on a couple of dating websites. It only cost me 15 bucks, so I said screw it, some of the stuff he was saying in his advertisement made a lot of sense. I think that 150 page ebook has changed my entire outlook on dating and interpersonal relationships. If you look into that, look into his other ebook “Attraction isn’t a Choice” that cost me I think 22 dollars. The rest of his stuff is overpriced fluff in my opinion, but those two together are worth their virtual weight in gold, to me personally, and I am reading them again for the second time in two months right now. I guess that sounds like a paid advertisement, sorry. I checked out another dating site’s recommended ‘expert’ book and it was nothing like the ones I described. Crap, mostly. Google if you’re interested, that is how I found it for 15, the dating site was trying to sell it for 25.
So, ultimately, I have not, but I am postured when I return in another week or two to dive right in and get my feet wet. I have purchased body language books, I intend to get a wardrobe worth speaking of(I don’t have barely any good clothes right now) and really put some focus on self-improvement areas so I won’t be embarrassed to bring a chick back to my place, or maybe cooking for her(which I suck at right now!)
P.S. you really should have posted this in the social section, I think. My answer could be seen as being off topic.

@ette_ no, you shouldn’t have looked at his texts, but you did and you’re human. Ho hum! Been there done that not going to judge you. You are feeling insecure about the way he is with his ex. I think I would be too. It could just be that he still cares for her because he has history and a dog and he is a nice guy. Or he could still have feelings for her. I said somewhere here once “hate and love are two sides of the same coin”. She can obviously still drag him in, so I would be bothered by that.

I would be honest about reading the texts, and why, and see what he says. If you can’t trust each other you don’t have much. If you can’t talk about things that are bothering you honestly, you won’t have anything in the future. I am not using the word confront because that sounds aggressive. Sit him down, and I would not be affected by alcohol, and just talk about what is going on and how you both feel about this person AND your relationship. At some point you have to get this stuff out and deal with it or it will just hang there festering. If he still has feelings, does he want her back? Or does he know its over and he wants to commit totally to you and can he end things with her? I think you need to decide what you want from this relationship first though. What are you prepared to put up with? What is a deal breaker? Have some sense of this for yourself before you start talking to him and don’t sell yourself short to keep things ticking over.

In my day, there were no texts to read. No cell phones to see who he called. It was all on trust. Having an ex hanging around is hard and tests a relationship in the trust category what ever decade you’re in.

You wouldn’t be worried about the text if you weren’t worried about the trust. You can talk to your boyfriend about trust and leave the issue of the text out of it. You don’t have to justify how you feel. Your feelings are your own, but how you act upon those feelings are important. Let your boyfriend know, or better yet show him, that he can talk to you about things and confide in you. Trusting someone with your most intimate thoughts and feelings and having the confidence that they are going to treat those feelings with compassion and care is one of the biggest issues in a close relationship. It goes both ways. Be calm and as rational as you can in communicating your concerns. Be gentle with him. It can hurt to be told you aren’t as trusted as you thought you were, so don’t misread his reaction.

Best of luck with building on your relationship and I hope you get to a point where you don’t feel you have to intrude on his personal communications.

@Mz_Lizzy, sadly, I’ve done “worse” in our relationship than reading texts and he’s such a good/nice guy that he’s able to forgive me and look past the times that I behave like a crazy person. I will probably bring it up and tell him I read the texts, but I have to figure out how to word it.

We’ve spoken more than once about his ex in terms of would he get back with her, does he still have feelings for her, etc…he told me early on that yes, he still has love for her, and I can’t fault him for that because we’re all human and after being with someone for so long, it’s almost a given. But he also has told me that they fought so much and so intensely that there’s no chance that it could ever work out between them.

I got to a point, up until I read this text, where I was totally fine with the way our relationship is. We’re not at a point where we’re discussing moving in together or getting married, but we very much enjoy each others’ company and he makes me supremely happy. And for me to say that I am happy is a HUGE thing, because there have been very few times in my life that I can remember being truly happy. That is why, for the most part, I’m willing to sacrifice and concede certain things in our relationship that some people might find odd or not be willing to put up with, because he truly makes me happy. This is not to say that I don’t ever get annoyed or mad at him, but the happiness more than makes up for those times. I don’t even know that I really need to say “I hope we get married someday” because honestly, although it’s not ideal, if we were kind of just “dating” for a long period of time or in a relationship (although later on I think I may definitely want to be living with him) rather than just getting married because it’s the right thing to do or because it’s what society dictates. I think I kind of talked about some things in my other thread about “Am I Being a Pushover”? And I can’t figure out how to link that right now but it’s okay.

Thank you guys for the thoughtful responses. I think I just needed some wise words to stop me from freaking out.

I would not put up with an ex hanging around. No way. No sir! I personally don’t believe exes can end up as friends without some sort of deeper feelings going on.

I would confront him gently, but let him know you are not going to tolerate that kind of behavior. If he has a girlfriend he does not need to be running at his ex girlfriend’s every whim.

Hugs @ette_ it is so freakin’ hard being in a relationship sometimes isn’t it? Listen to your heart. It will work out and if in doubt, wait and think before you act. Not that I do that. I am one of those open mouth… blurt .. oh shit .. did I say that .. type people :-) Thankfully my husband is understanding and knows me. Don’t over think it. If he is a good guy, it will work out.

So many things going on here that makes me wonder how you 2 are keeping it together.
I am not judging, but here is my take on things that are not healthy in this relationship and should be worked out..
No particular order.
1) They are ex’s for a reason and should stay that way.
2) A shared animal. As difficult as it may seen, this is not a child. There are plenty of other dogs who need a good home. Someone needs to let go.
3) Do not read your SO texts, emails, notes, etc. Don’t waste your time stalking an ex profile. None of this is healthy and can only lead to your mind racing. see next point.
4) Communicate your feelings, needs, lines with him. If him staying in contact bothers you let him know how it bothers you.
5) Don’t communicate needed conversations while drunk!
6) Think seriously about what behavior is acceptable in your mind. Acceptable in a serious relationship, acceptable that you can handle,
7) Discuss what your feelings are and what behavior is unacceptable. It’s ok to draw lines.
8) Stick to your feelings and what actions you take if a line is crossed otherwise you enable him and are not true to yourself.
9) Determine what you want out of this relationship.
10) Enjoy life without drama.

Get rid of the guy. If he can’t let the past go and it bothers you he doesn’t truly care about you. Im sure you are a wondeful girl and I promise there is someone out there who can make you happy and make you feel like the only girl in the world that he cares about excluding his female family members.

I’m sure you will get a lot of soound advice here, but my instinct says, once you’re drunk you won’t listen to a word of it.

Is he a cheater? Did he cheat on an ex-girlfriend to be with you? Has he ever cheated on an ex-girlfriend? If so, you should worry.

Are you a cheater? Would you cheat on him? Have you ever cheated? If so, then you are projecting yourself into this situation.

Either way, you need to tell him that the girl’s presence in your relationship makes you more than just a little bit crazy, so that he knows that on this topic you lose the ability to reason. By this, I mean, are you stalking all of his friends on FB? Do all of his text messages cause you angst? Probably not. If so, you have some real control issues going on that might be beneficial to address in counseling. The fact that you are so jealous of her gives her power in this triangle, and could have the opposite effect that you want. No man likes to be controlled by a woman, and maintaining contact with her could become an act of defiance against being controlled. You are dating, and are not married; are you living together?

Have you tried setting aside your jealousy and befriending the ex? Nothing moves an ex along faster than proof that the current girlfriend is an amazing person. Behaving in a way to have her plant the idea that you’re bitchy is going to plant that idea in your boyfriend’s head, and it won’t leave once it’s there.

I drank two cups of coffee, while reading your loooooooong question and explanation.

First off, those two have ten years together under their belt. In ten years, you know each other inside/out. This is their situation. You are like the new kid on the block, coming into a well-established relationship, that apparently neither one of them are over. You proved that by having a sneak preview of his text messages to his ex.

They still care for each other and I think you know this. Drunk or not, they shared something together that you may never have. They are still drawn to each other.

She may be a twit, when her current love life fails and you know this, since she comes running back to him. The question is…...is she a user or is she still in love with him and him with her?

It’s hard to overlook the ten years they were together. You might never ever truly have him.

Just one question: did they break up over you? If the answer is, well not really, but I suppose I may have had something to do with the timing (aka “yes”) then she is eventually going to get him in bed and then she’s going to let you know about it if he doesn’t.

I agree with @6rant6: She may want to spite you or get back at your for whatever, and it will be very easy for her and her drunk texting to invite him over and f*** him, and that may have happened already and you would never know it.

I understand he likes the dog but like @blueiiznh said, there are other dogs in the world. As long as he knows the dog is now in a good home (hers) he does not have to have visitation with the dog on a regular basis.

Like @john65pennington said, they have something that has gone on for 10 years, they are close, and the dog may be an excuse to stay in touch. It’s hard to be new kid on the block and personally, I don’t know how you tolerate this crap. I wonder, just curious (and there’s no way to test this theory) if you broke up with him, how “on him” would she become?

@6rant6 and @jca nope, they didn’t break up because of me. I didn’t meet him until about a year or so after they broke up. I know that they have a lot of history and I know it’s bizarre to anyone why I might “put up” with this, but like I said, he makes me happy. I really was just wondering if I should bring up the whole text message thing or not, and I’m still debating.

Regarding the dog, he doesn’t have “visitation”—he just gets the dog for a period of like 2–4 weeks or whatever and in the middle of that he and the ex don’t speak.

@BarnacleBill he isn’t a cheater, and neither am I. Unfortunately befriending the ex is out of the question. Believe me, if I could, I would, but she’s extremely immature. I’m not going to be a bitch about it and she has no basis to plant any such ideas in his head. Even if she were to do so, he knows her well enough to know that she’d only be trying to spite me or play games. He also knows me well enough to know that I am an “amazing girl” who treats him very well.

If I broke up with him, I don’t know if anything would change, because honestly she just uses him as a crutch for when her relationships go down the crapper. If her relationship is going well, she doesn’t even peep, even if I’m in the picture.

Then you have three choices. The first is set aside. Put on the big girl undies, and have faith in the relationship. Don’t go looking for things that aren’t really there. From what you just posted, it sounds like you know he’s not cheating.

The second is to tell him that it causes you a lot of stress, and that you would like him to end it with her completely, never speaking to her again, about the dog or anything else. Tell him he is at a point where he has to make a choice. Her presence is bringing out a side of you that you don’t like to see in yourself, and you want him to make it stop so you can get back to being a normal person who doesn’t read his text messages or stalk his ex-girlfriends on FB.

The third altnerative is to break up with him and move on.

@BarnacleBill thank you, as always, for your kind and wise words. :)

Hi, ette, I am going through a similar situation with a new boyfriend who shares a dog with an ex, their mutual choice to do so. I wanted to know what you ended up doing with your relationship? He is extremely loyal, all the friends and family know me, but I DON’T agree with the dog sharing. Look forward to your reply…