General Question

Facade's avatar

Any advice for a person who's longing for a major, positive change in their life, but who doesn't have the means to make it happen?

Asked by Facade (22899points) March 16th, 2011

I keep bringing up the subject of marriage to my boyfriend, and while we do want to get married, we both know it wouldn’t be fiscally responsible to do so now. I think I just need a change/something exciting to happen, but I’m broke, unemployed, and still in school (thank God I’m with someone who’s in the exact opposite situation!).

Any advice?

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19 Answers

Hobbes's avatar

Is there a rush to get married? If you want to get married, presumably you want to spend the rest of your life with this person, so you have the rest of your lives to actually sign that piece of paper. Getting married doesn’t magically change your life either – it’s a ceremony and a legal agreement. There’s excitement and change attached, but if the relationship lasts it’s because the people involved love each other, not because they participated in the ritual of marriage.

filmfann's avatar

Go to church. It doesn’t cost anything, unless you choose to tithe.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

I’m glad you’re still in school because so many people get sidetracked and quit or start to drop classes/units until they don’t feel focused on their education anymore. Maybe tell yourself that in itself is fortunate? Also, you’ve got (assuming) an emotionally supportive partner who probably values what you’re doing right now without you being able to “do it all”.

Try typing up a Big Picture list of the next 2–3 years of stuff you want to accomplish and share it with your Mr., that might excite the two of you to time and space things out and also take some pressure off you mentally.

Facade's avatar

@Hobbes There’s no rush, really. I’d just like to go ahead and do something. I feel like I’m just stagnate in all areas of my life, and I supposed that’s the only area in which I could actually move forward by choice, instead of having to just let things run their course.

@filmfann We’ve found a great church. We hadn’t been in a while, but went this past Sunday =)

@Neizvestnaya I’ve actually been thinking about dropping out, but I know that’d be unwise, so I’m still in…Your suggestion of making a list would excite me, but it would make my SO feel like he’s behind concerning life in general. We’re different that way.

SpatzieLover's avatar

@Facade I eloped in Vegas. Both sets of my grandparents married at a courthouse and much later on got married in the Church. Combined, that’s over 100 years of marriage, without breaking the bank. ;)

Don’t drop out. You’ll regret it forever

marinelife's avatar

@Facade hen make a list just for you to keep you jazzed up. Start it a couple of years back and check off some of your accomplishments. Then you can see the progression going forward into the future.

YoBob's avatar

I don’t understand how your financial situation would change for the worse if you got married. You would still be broke, unemployed and going to school. He would still be doing what he’s doing. The only change is that you get to file your taxes jointly (which might make them less) and you get to share living expenses (if you aren’t already doing so).

Facade's avatar

@SpatzieLover We plan on going the cheap route, so the wedding won’t cost us much. We also plan to go the cheap route when it comes to our rings. And I’ve already dropped out a few times due to health reasons, but yea…
@marinelife I don’t think I can be jazzed up about stuff if he isn’t. Seeing him all upset and defeated hurts me as well. Plus, if I made a list, I’d want to talk about it, and he wouldn’t.
@YoBob You understand that; I understand that. He doesn’t. We’re already sharing living expenses– we live together. In my opinion, we are adjusting to not having a surplus of money like he used to quite well, especially him.

SpatzieLover's avatar

My advice to create a positive change, would be to become the change.

What is dear to your soul? What inspires you?

Do you have an hour a week to volunteer to a cause? Often, in that hour a week, changes can be felt and seen.

Do you set goals together as a couple? If not, that’d be a good thing to start. It’s difficult to see the end goal if neither of you are certain what that goal is. We keep a family goal journal and do our best to accomplish the goals all year long

Facade's avatar

Great advice @SpatzieLover. I just have to figure out how to actually carry it out.

To answer your last question, we talk about a lot of things, but I don’t feel that we’ve really set goals. I’ll talk with him about that later.

6rant6's avatar

Some options:

1. Find a place to perform. Audition for a community theater play, sing or tell jokes at an open mic event, join a samba club.

2. Find someone who really wants your help. Volunteer as a high school tutor, read to the blind, take a dog for pet therapy training so you can visit people in hospitals

3. Find a local creative group and create something. There are songwriter groups, memoir groups, screen play groups, photography clubs, and painting clubs.

Go. Do. Learn. Live.

WasCy's avatar

Why do you need money to be married?

It makes sense to delay starting a family (to me, but not so much to others; it’s a personal choice), but why not get married anyway, regardless of finances? Okay, so you can’t have the ceremony / celebration that you’d like, but you can do that later, too.

Marry the boy already. Set a new goal.

Facade's avatar

@WasCy Maybe he’ll listen if you tell him :P

@6rant6 I LOVE singing, but haven’t sang in a long time. I think if I was able to join a choir or ensemble, it’d be good for me.

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

This is one of the most thought provoking questions I’ve come across here in a while. Thank you. It’s not as easy to answer as it appears at first.

I highly recommend volunteering. You mentioned that you love singing. Join a church choir. They always need voices.

I have found that volunteering gets me outside my head, and I stop thinking about my troubles for a little while. I concentrate on helping someone else. (I volunteer at a literacy center, and I’m active in community theater.)

Being in a choir will definitely give you something to concentrate on and lift your spirits. Go for it.

To paraphrase Ghandi: Be the change you want to see in yourself.

Facade's avatar

So we talked about it, and he says he wants to be “comfortable” before we get engaged and married. I can understand that, so I came up with the idea of promise rings (just plain gold bands). That way, I get what I want and so does he. We also got to talk about some other things which was good.

Thanks you guys =)

SpatzieLover's avatar

@Facade WOW! :) Thanks for the update. Communication is the key to happiness.

anartist's avatar

Longing for a change before you know how to make that change is just a ticket to disaster. Forcing a push into the unknown, for which you feel unprepared, could wreck what you have. Instead, grow towards that chang, a positive bit at a time, until it doesn’t feel like a change at all, just an evolution.

6rant6's avatar

@anartist Um… So, no kids I’m guessing.

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