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wundayatta's avatar

In your experience, which happened more often: has good physical intimacy led to a good relationship, or a good relationship led to good physical intimacy?

Asked by wundayatta (58638points) March 18th, 2011

A good relationship can make you feel very comfortable around someone, which might make sex and intimacy easier to get comfortable with. On the other hand, sex can make you feel comfortable in a physical way, which can let you open up to a person emotionally.

Have you experienced both ways? If so, which happened more often? Do you end up in similar places at the end?

I’ve had both in my life, but it seems to me that physical intimacy facilitates emotional intimacy for me. It usually starts with some kind of intellectual connection, but then, I feel like I let my body decide for me. If I can feel open and myself making love, then I can open up emotionally.

I know a lot of women say they need emotional connection first. That’s why romance is so important to them. I know that a lot of people would say I’m thinking with my penis. But I don’t think so. I suppose this sounds stupid, but I think my penis knows things that I don’t or can’t know.

What’s your experience?

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15 Answers

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

Having a good relationship before physical intimacy has always been the best way.
One night stands were not for me.I am not an animal,damnit.XD

wundayatta's avatar

@lucillelucillelucille Do you mean the best way for everybody, or the best way for you?

JilltheTooth's avatar

Well, I agree with Lucythrice, here. For me anyway, the level of comfort with someone as a person adds a lot to physical intimacy. I must say, though, your “sentient penis” theory does sound intriguing… ;-)

wundayatta's avatar

@JilltheTooth I’ve found that my body contains a lot of knowledge that I can access if I learn how to pay attention. So it’s not just my penis, but my whole body. We all “speak” with our bodies, but not many learn how to listen with their bodies, or to make their bodies speak in an intentional way. I’ve been practicing for over 20 years.

I can tell how comfortable a person is with connection with another human. I can tell how sensitive they are to others. I can tell how cooperative they are. I can tell if they are paying attention, period. I see if they can lead and follow. I can see how creative they are, or how stuck in patterns they are.

Wow! This is the first time I’ve ever thought about it. A lot more than I thought when I think about it generally. I can tell how comfortable they are with their body, which in turn lets me know how they act in space. I can tell how easy it is to connect with someone else. How trusting they are. How playful.

There’s an awful lot, and you can learn it very quickly—less then an hour or two if you interact with them under certain kinds of movement structures.

I think most people live in their heads pretty much all the time. Very few know how to access the knowledge in their bodies. It’s really sad, but our culture tends to undervalue the body. So people tend to think it’s just fucking if you do it right away. I think it depends on what happens before. Sometimes you feel a strong connection with someone from the beginning. Sometimes you hold off on that just to make sure you aren’t in danger or your intuition hasn’t made a mistake. But then, when you make love to someone—everything is there.

JilltheTooth's avatar

I think a lot of the awareness that you speak about is also available through visual and other sensory clues. I was raised by a parent whom it was very difficult to please, so starting out as a very young child I learned to read all the cues to make sure I was doing stuff right or pleasing to this parent. I still haven’t managed to please her, but I’m freakishly good at reading other people! For a while I thought I was psychic til a friend pointed out that much more logical explanation. Pooh. I liked the psychic thing better. I believe, though that some sensory clues may just point out who might be a good genetic match for breeding, instead of a good relationship partner, as I have also experienced that. Someone spews out a bunch of pheromones that my hindbrain responds to and Zowie! Bolt of lightening! But I have never found that any of those would be a good long term match for me. Of course, I’m pretty screwed up, so in a perfect world maybe they would have.

tedd's avatar

I have had relationships that worked both ways. In general those that started with the good relationship and led to intimacy faired better. Though that’s not to say I’ve not had a one night stand develop into a long term relationship.

wundayatta's avatar

@JilltheTooth I seriously doubt you have ever experienced what I’m talking about. And it’s impossible to give you any idea of it that will give you any useful preparation. The experience is not in the linguistic mind. It literally can’t be talked about. If you experience it, and still think that kind of awareness is available through cognitively activated senses, then I think we will have common ground to compare experiences. Since you haven’t experienced it, we’ll never know.

How long does it take for you to learn about someone through these other sensory cues? I know you can pick up a lot of stuff using other senses, and you can also pick up a lot just talking or doing things together. But what I’m talking about is the efficiency of gathering knowledge these ways. Interacting via body (and not necessarily sex) is, I think, the most efficient way to get to know someone.

Cruiser's avatar

I agree with you and I will base my answer on relationships that had the potential for a physical relationship. Natures mechanism for being attracted to a potential partner in my experience made the physical part of a relationship a given. Having a good intimate relationship takes time to develop as to get to know a person well enough, takes weeks if not months to fully trust that person to really open up with all your personal thoughts and ideas. And a little physical intimacy….good physical intimacy IMO helps that comfort level by providing assurance you have found a suitable life partner to share your innermost thoughts and desires with.

So IMO if you don’t mesh in the sack you don’t have much hope of a long term emotionally intimate relationship.

wundayatta's avatar

Aw damn, @lucillelucillelucille I was getting all set to get medieval on your ass! ;-)

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

@wundayatta XD I can only speak for myself when it comes to that.—As for others,I couldn’t care less ;)

longtresses's avatar

@wundayatta re: body speak, what’s the name of the book? or practice..

wundayatta's avatar

Unfortunately, I can’t tell you without compromising my anonymity, @longtresses. It exists only in one place, and they haven’t written the book yet.

longtresses's avatar

@wundayatta Ah, too bad. I’d love to read someone by the merit of just one movement.

But if your group is not this, this, or this… then it must be this. =)

wundayatta's avatar

I hope you’re playing in a nice ballpark, because it’ll take me a day to fly there if I want to see it.

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