General Question

creative1's avatar

When dating online, when is waiting to meet someone too long?

Asked by creative1 (12054points) March 20th, 2011

I have been talking to someone for 6 months through email, instant messeger and the occasional phone call. We live roughly an hour and half away from each other and both have children. But I have made the time to get together and when it comes down to the day it either gets canceled or something happens where we don’t meet. I am attracted to this person when it comes to the phone and internet but is it real or is it just an illusion? I have tried dating others but I can’t seem to get the wonder of this person out of my head. When does it just become too long to talk to someone you like online when you know you are making ever effort to meet them? When do you just let yourself move on and forget them all together?

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30 Answers

janbb's avatar

Only you can be the judge of that, but I would suggest that if you are willing to, it is time to force the issue and find out if he is what he seems to be. People can appear great online but you need to meet him if you are going to have a real relationship. If he keeps putting it off, that is a red flag.

BarnacleBill's avatar

Move on. A relationship that far apart, when you both have children, is impossible to maintain. Dating is a 3 hour driving commitment. When you have kids, how often do you have more than 3 hours that aren’t committed to something else?

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

Welcome to Fluther!

I agree with @janbb in that it sounds like something is probably causing your friend to get ‘cold feet’. It’s time to find out if this is true.

One suggestion is to take up web-camming. My fiancé and I met on a web-site, and after several months of e-mailing, we used web-cam software to talk to and see each other. By the time we finally met in person, we were much more comfortable with the face-to-face than we would have been without it.

Cruiser's avatar

Is someone still married or has an S/O and not owning up to it? That would explain a lot.

creative1's avatar

@Pied_Pfeffer I have a webcam and have been using it the guess what I cannot get the other person to get one.

@Cruiser I have brought that up when things have been broken off at last moment

Cruiser's avatar

@creative1 An obvious question that has to be asked!

Seaofclouds's avatar

Does one person keep cancelling you meetings, or has it been both of you? If it’s always been the other person, it may be time for a serious chat to find out why.

It is possible to develop feelings based on the online/phone relationship, but until you meet in person, you really won’t know for sure if something is there.

Do you both live in the same state? Is there a custody issue that would prevent either of you from moving until the kids are grown? You may want to look at those things as well when determining if this should be pursued. Good luck!

john65pennington's avatar

My 35 year old daughter had the exact same experience, from a person she met on the internet. They conversed with each other for about 4 months. He flew into my city from Seattle. My daughter would not tell me his name. She knew that her cop dad would check him out and she was correct. After arriving here, I met this person as my daughter was leaving with him and heading back to Seattle in a moving van/truck. I still did not know his name. I was not impressed with him, at all. He wore entirely too much gold on each limb of his body. As they began to depart back to Seattle, my daughter dumped her two daughters on us and left. I received a phone call from my daughter. They had stopped in Las Vegas and were married. What? My daughter married a total stranger.

After four months of being married, my daughter calls and states they are divorced. I expected this. Something good did come out of this incident: my daughter landed a great job in Seattle. She is an LPN.

This whole situation reminded me of the old west days, when men in the west, would order a wife from a catalogue. A mail-ordered bride. The only difference, in the two, are pictures of each other, on the internet.

My daughter finally admitted that she made a huge mistake.

creative1's avatar

@Seaofclouds its always the other person canceling the meetings… My kids are adopted by me alone so there is no issue with me leaving the state I am in.

Seaofclouds's avatar

@creative1 I think its time to ask what the issue is then. Do you have plans to meet again soon? If so, stick with them and if they get cancelled too, ask why they keep cancelling and if they really even want to meet. If you don’t have plans, make some and stress how important it is for you to meet to see if this can progress further. Good luck!

creative1's avatar

After the last time I had put meeting on hold since I kind of got stood up, his excuse to that was that he had a death in the family and was away for the funeral. I think I deserved a call or email to let me know that he wouldn’t be there, considering I texted him I was on my way. Now its just been online im’s and the occasional phone call, which I am to the point getting tired of. There is only so much you can do online and on the phone with each other. Plus I need to meet to know one way or the other if we have something or not.

blueiiznh's avatar

90 minutes is not a long distance at all.
While one can’t make the other want to do it, their desire seems to be an indicator of where their head is.
I see a few red flags.
You certainly deserved communication about a commitment to meet. This shows some of what to expect or the lack of respect in letting you know.
It is tough if you have put emotions into it and have not met yet.
In my opinion, the other person does not sound emotionally or physically available.
You are correct in that this person may just be an illusion until you meet face to face.
You really don’t know about what is going on with this other person until you get into a real relationship.
If I were in your shoes, I would back off. Let them know you need to meet to know where and how to take this. Let them know your feelings. Remember, your feelings are your feelings. If they don’t respect your feelings, then the picture may be clearer.
Be careful with your heart.

EDITED

AmWiser's avatar

It may be time to move on. About 10–12 years ago when on-line dating was very popular I met several men that were very interesting. One guy who really stood out lived in Virginia (I live in Michigan). Anyway, we hit it off over the internet and phone conversations but when it came time to meet personally, there was always an excuse on his part. When his dog died and he became to distraught to deal with anything else, I knew something was not right and I made up my mind to move on. (There’s lots more to the story) but the bottom line is you have to know and feel when someone is sincere or just in it for the game. From your post I see a lot of signs that your chains are being yanked…move on. And good luck.

Eleven years ago I met my husband on the internet. We lived 100 mile from each other, we both worked and had grown children so it wasn’t difficult to set up a face to face meeting. After 4 months of internet chat and phone conversations we decided to meet at a half way point between each other. The rest is history.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

It sounds as if this guy is content in keeping it technology-related and not move into in-person and probably never will be. Since you desire to take the next step, you’ll have to decide whether he is worth waiting for and see if he comes around or end it.

creative1's avatar

@AmWiser I know what you mean there was someone who wanted to go on a date with me that actually drove 5 hours stayed a hotel and went back home the next day. We ended up just being friends but it was so nice since I couldn’t get away that weekend and they could.

marinelife's avatar

Do you know his real name and the city he lives in? if so, see if he has a facebook profile. Google him.

Consider paying for a cheap background check.

I think there is something wrong. (He is probably married) or he would have met with you.

You have been enjoying the fantasy, but it is time to rip the scales from your eyes, especially if this fake relationship is keeping you from forming real attachments.

chyna's avatar

It sounds like he is trying to back off from the relationship since he isn’t texting, im’s, emailing as often. Time for the “big talk.” Ask heim what he wants, and if he really wants to meet, set up another meeting. If this one fails to go through, I think that would be your answer.

creative1's avatar

@blueiiznh thank you, all is clear now time to move on, I have deleted this person from my im list and removed the number from my phone. This meeting is never going to happen.

janbb's avatar

@creative1 Oh good for you for being so decisive!

blueiiznh's avatar

@creative1 I am sorry to hear you are going through this.
Let him know your decision and then disconnect.
Be true to your feelings and the line you draw.

Electra's avatar

You’re going to have to tell him that as painful as it may be for him to let reality show itself, you need reality, not a fantasy.

Tell him he meets you the next time you have a date or you’re cutting off all contact with him.

Normally, you’re supposed to meet within two weeks of the online encounter. Any longer than that encourages fantasy building and that can even be unhealthy. I met my now fiance after chatting for a few days online.

creative1's avatar

@Electra and @blueiiznh I am leaving the contact up to him, I am not iniating any further contact. I had noticed for the last few months that I had been the one to iniate the contact so I am doubtful he will. As blueiiznh stated above “In my opinion, the other person does not sound emotionally or physically available.” If this is true then this is opportunity to just walk away. Otherwise, if he does make contact I will make it clear about meeting and setting a date and sticking to it.

blueiiznh's avatar

@creative1 Perfect approach in my opinion.

Electra's avatar

@creative1: That’s the best thing to do, IMO.

blueiiznh's avatar

Let us know how things are going.

creative1's avatar

He opted to contact me and I let him go telling him why and that if he ever wanted to actually met he could call me. But it doesn’t seem that is the route he will take so I have begun to move foward with my life and meet new people. I went for coffee with someone the other day and he has asked me out to dinner when he gets back from his business in NYC. I am not saying this guy is right he may just end up being just a friend, who knows I haven’t even kissed him but at least I am going forwand and meeting people. Now I am not waiting for something that will never happen. Thank you all for making it very clear what needed to be done.

janbb's avatar

Good for you!

blueiiznh's avatar

Thanks for the followup. Be proud and happy for yourself in handling it the way you did.
It should lend as a written example to others of things we all go through and a method that worked for you.
You questioned in yourself and to others something that felt wrong. You took the time to sort it out and listen to thoughts and opinions no matter how harse or difficult. You made a decision and stayed with it.
You are moving on with your life as YOU decided and as YOU should.
This came from within you and you should applaud yourself for it. So many people either sit on the fence and get paralyzed in fears or indecision. Or they don’t decide whats in their own heart and when it goes wrong blame everyone else.
I personally am very happy for you. I applaud you in your clear thinking and decision making.
Reading this made my day!
Awesome! awesome! awesome!

plethora's avatar

If you are 90 minutes apart and cannot make a meeting happen in 30 days, one of you is not trying. 90 minutes is nothing.

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