Social Question

KateTheGreat's avatar

(NSFW) Let's make a story, line by line!

Asked by KateTheGreat (13635points) March 30th, 2011

So when I was in high school, we always did this game where we’d write one line as the intro of the story and we’d pass around our paper until everyone had written one line and the story was completed. I figured this would be a great experiment to see how great of a story we could make!

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307 Answers

Aesthetic_Mess's avatar

There once was this man named Gary.

KateTheGreat's avatar

Gary was a total mess, his wife had divorced him, his children ran away, and he lost his job as a trash man.

The_Idler's avatar

But one fresh, spring morning, on his walk to the dole office, Gary happened across something truly remarkable.

Aesthetic_Mess's avatar

He had heard music (it sounded like a flute) coming from a bush by the sidewalk.

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

Then, a platypus in a polka-dot bikini jumped out from the bushes!

Vunessuh's avatar

The platypus was carrying a magic spatula.

KateTheGreat's avatar

The platypus said to him, in an eerie voice “Son, come with me, I have a world of magic to show you!”.

Blueroses's avatar

“Nah uh”, said Gary. “I’m not falling for that line again. Not after what happened with the supposedly magic Komodo Dragon!”

ratboy's avatar

In a flash, the Komodo Dragon had ripped off his platypus suit and torn a huge chunk of flesh from Gary’s calf.

Blackberry's avatar

Then, in a fit of sudden adrenaline, Gary transformed into Raptor Jesus and obliterated the Komodo dragon with a Kamehameha.

KateTheGreat's avatar

He finally settled back down and began walking again. Little did he know, he couldn’t return back to his regular form after transforming into Raptor Jesus.

MilkyWay's avatar

After walking for a few more minutes, he came across a black cat, with scary yellow eyes…

creative1's avatar

The cat hissed and growled at Gary because of the way he looked.

erichw1504's avatar

Gary, unafraid of such hypocrisy, grabbed the cat and deep fried it for dinner.

answerjill's avatar

After he ate the cat, he felt a bit guilty—but only because his doctor had warned him to stay away from fried foods.

MilkyWay's avatar

After his sudden and unexpected dinner,Gary had to walk all the way back to work again.
When he finally got there, he was an hour late. This meant that Gary would have to work till 5 instead of 4.This was a dilemma for him,as he had a date with Celia at 5.

creative1's avatar

Gary decided to call Celia and reschedule his date with her, but wondered if their new relationship was only based on looks or could it survive his new transformation…...

rebbel's avatar

Meanwhile, three blocks away, two Toyota Priusses collided head on.
“Wasn’t Celia also a proud owner of said Japanese vehicle?”

erichw1504's avatar

The explosions were only minor, since they don’t run on much gasoline.

MilkyWay's avatar

Gary’s boss was a bit lenient after hearing of his girlfriends accident, so he let Gary off early at 3 so he could go to the hospital to meet her.The doctor he met there said she wasn’t hurt too badly ,,,only….

erichw1504's avatar

three broken legs, five and a half dismembered fingers, and three concussions.

MilkyWay's avatar

Gary began to scream…...

erichw1504's avatar

“HOLY SHIT! AT LEAST YOU DIDN’T BREAK A NAIL!!!”

MilkyWay's avatar

Gary went over to her and held out his hand to touch her…but just then….she began to dissapear….

Michael_Huntington's avatar

Suddenly, life has new meaning.

MilkyWay's avatar

Gary screamed again, this time for want of not losing her….

MilkyWay's avatar

Suddenly…gary woke up in his bed, his gf Celia beside him sleeping soundly.

erichw1504's avatar

“Phew, it was just a dream!”, then Gary woke up AGAIN, this time Celia was gone.

MilkyWay's avatar

Yes…gone to the bathroom

GoJessGo's avatar

Gary, quite confused by this turn of events called out to Celia, “Darling, will you bring me some Tums? The fried cat seems to not agree with me.”

MilkyWay's avatar

Celia replied “course I can,you’ll just have to wait another 5 mins…I’m doing number 2..”

Michael_Huntington's avatar

Then the house exploded. The end.

MilkyWay's avatar

yes…The end of Celia and Gary…but in the house opposite,at the window…there was a masked guy,,,with a detonator in his hand….

jellyfish3232's avatar

Little did he know that the detonator was also rigged with explosives.

erichw1504's avatar

Just before his own house exploded, he jumped out the window… BOOOOMM!!! Then Michael Bay yelled, “CUT!”

MilkyWay's avatar

he congratulated the so called “Gary” or Bruce Willis at another scene well done….

Michael_Huntington's avatar

raaahhgl a’evna ava’a bvarraaa

MilkyWay's avatar

…was Bruce willis’s reply as he had stuffed his mouth full of chips

Haleth's avatar

One of the chips came to life and screamed, “Nooooo! Don’t eat me! I have a wife and kids!”

jellyfish3232's avatar

In his surprise, Bruce spit the unfortunate chip across the room and began to suffer cardiac arrest.

Michael_Huntington's avatar

“Oh no!”, said the chip. “Bruce Willis is choking!”

Haleth's avatar

Samuel L. Jackson stepped onto the set and said, “Not on my watch, motherfucker.”

jellyfish3232's avatar

This attitude was, sadly, accompanied by a grenade launcher..

Michael_Huntington's avatar

The grenade launcher said, “Everyone, chill the fuck out! I know CPR!”.

jellyfish3232's avatar

Several minutes later, in the ruins of the studio, those who survived had only one thought running through their minds… Who gave that grenade launcher a CPR license?

Haleth's avatar

Bruce Willis got up and calmly walked out of the wreck of the burning studio.

aprilsimnel's avatar

He thought to himself as he walked to his Porsche, “I’m nearly 60! Isn’t there more to life than being an action star?”

The_Idler's avatar

But the quiet reflection turned to hysteric depression, as he remembered that he was, in fact…
Japanese Bruce Willis! (ブルース ・ウィリス)

Ladymia69's avatar

But he was comforted after he realized that being Japanese Bruce Willis is sometimes a whole lot better than being Nicolas Cage .

ucme's avatar

Ahh, but old habits Die Hard with good old Brucie boy. He had a Sixth Sense something wasn’t quite right…....

etignotasanimum's avatar

To his surprise, his Porsche changed into a giant robot/alien/thing and ran off. Bruce Willis thought that he could almost hear the car speaking about having to battle to save the planet. “Like hell you’re doing that without me,” He said, “I’m Bruce Willis!”. But what he didn’t realize was that on the other side of the city….

ucme's avatar

…Demi Moore was seducing the Last Boy Scout this truly was Sin City after all.

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ucme's avatar

Demi screamed, she looked like she’d seen a Ghost!

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ucme's avatar

Dirty Dancing no less.

SpatzieLover's avatar

They danced all night until the Red Dawn

6rant6's avatar

Coincidentally, it was Gary’s workmate ,Frank ,who stumbled upon the remains of the party in the morning and had to clean it up.

KateTheGreat's avatar

Frank stepped in something very sticky, a goo of some sort….

creative1's avatar

He looked down and there were big giant globs of green boogers stuck to his shoes. Thinking what shall I do now….

KateTheGreat's avatar

Frank was a very irrational man, so he preceded to run into the glass window at the office and jump off of the 12th floor.

Michael_Huntington's avatar

Then Frank woke up.

Ladymia69's avatar

And realized he had forgotten to screw on his head.

creative1's avatar

Because Frank was really a robot sent from way in the future to…...

Dutchess_III's avatar

Send Frank back to the future.

6rant6's avatar

But there was a problem with security and Frank missed his transport.

Michael_Huntington's avatar

The transport was under a big W

Dutchess_III's avatar

The W was for Walmart (Transport On Sale)

6rant6's avatar

Frank was taken to a back room in the Walmart Homeland Security Department.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Where he was cavity searched for weapons of mass destruction.

Michael_Huntington's avatar

“Oh baby!” Frank exclaimed. “Be gentle, please”.

Dutchess_III's avatar

“I could explode! I could be reduced!” he blathered.

Michael_Huntington's avatar

Then a dominatrix entered the room and spanked Frank.

6rant6's avatar

But he found it boring.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

Until the second dominatrix walked in…

6rant6's avatar

“Jeezel!” he cried, “where have you been?”

Michael_Huntington's avatar

And then his wife walked in the room…

Dutchess_III's avatar

And she knew just the right buttons to spank and he was reduced by two inches.

MilkyWay's avatar

He then decided to randomly go through the “divorce stage” and told his wife he wanted one…

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

She said “Fine”, then she left, arm in arm with the second dominatrix.

Michael_Huntington's avatar

And then Frank woke up again

MilkyWay's avatar

This time in a brothel….the nasty bugger…

AmWiser's avatar

With his clothes nowhere to be found. Dammit! Frank thought…..

MilkyWay's avatar

He got up and noticed he was alone in the room….little did he know….

snowberry's avatar

He only THOUGHT he was alone. There was….this presence. At first he did not notice it. Then

KateTheGreat's avatar

the dark figure crouched up behind him and covered his face with a cloth doused in chloroform.

snowberry's avatar

Everything went black. He fell senselessly to the floor. The dark figure bent over him, sniffing. (he had a chloroform fetish)

roundsquare's avatar

Then, the dark figure leaned over and pushed a red button on the wall.

snowberry's avatar

The dark figure sat and waited, hunched over, snuffling…

KateTheGreat's avatar

The faint smell of chloroform made him quite loopy, so he preceded to dance around the floor, gently touching his nether parts.

snowberry's avatar

Frank groaned, and rolled over, exposing his expansive stomach, while the red button glowed ominously, and the dark figure swayed in the gloom.

Michael_Huntington's avatar

Mel Brooks tackled the dark figure and yelled out “Don’t press that button!”

snowberry's avatar

While the button continued to glow mysteriously, ominously, invitingly. Mell Brooks discovered he couldn’t take his eyes off of it.

DrBill's avatar

then suddenly he reached over, slammed the cover down over the button and shouted “NO DEAL!”

creative1's avatar

Just then he heard the voice of Howie Mandel say you need to pick 3 suitcases until the bankers next call. He looked up to see…....

erichw1504's avatar

the sexy models displaying their silver suitcases prominently, until one of them started stripping.

The_Idler's avatar

When that sight met his eyes,
his hand flew to his flies,
and proceeded with a shameless unzipping…

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

But to his horror, he discovered that his penis was missing!

6rant6's avatar

It was then that Frank remembered that he was a robot and that he’d handed his member in to get the tattoo of Jeezel removed from it.

erichw1504's avatar

What a coincidence! His phone rang and it was the tattoo doctor calling him back to let him know that his robotic penis has been finished.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

Frank made a beeline for the door of the brothel, intending to go pick up his tattoo-free penis, but…

erichw1504's avatar

Julie cut him off and said that she wanted to…

MilkyWay's avatar

Hump him.

erichw1504's avatar

Frank agreed but only on two conditions:

MilkyWay's avatar

one: She has to be wearing a pink leotard and
Two….

erichw1504's avatar

he gets to wear a sombrero.

MilkyWay's avatar

She agreed to his terms and they started humping on the sofa, only to their dismay the dark figure had stopped dancing and wanted to be part of the action too….

erichw1504's avatar

Frank agreed but only on three conditions:

MilkyWay's avatar

one: He had to take the stinking cloak off
Two: He had to stay behind him as he didn’t want to share the model
and three…

erichw1504's avatar

he had to leave.

snowberry's avatar

Frank looked up to see the sun shining outside. That seemed odd to him because 5 minutes ago there were no windows in that room.

erichw1504's avatar

Plus it was raining cat and dogs, kind of weird since there were no clouds.

MilkyWay's avatar

Frank decided he was just hallucinating from the chloroform and continued humping…
Little did he know that there was a hole that had appeared in cat and dog heaven., hence all the cats and dogs falling from the sky.

erichw1504's avatar

Frank had been humping for so long that Julie had fallen asleep, until…

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erichw1504's avatar

Frank got so high, he swore he saw a unicorn fly by and take a dump in his lawn.

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6rant6's avatar

Being an ex-trashman, of course Frank knew what to do with the doodoo.

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erichw1504's avatar

So, he took a picture of the sparkling pile of shit and posted it on Craigslist.

The_Idler's avatar

And, using a litter-picker,
picked up the shit-glitter,
to have it scientifically assayed in order to determine of what it might consist…

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ucme's avatar

Yes that’s right, the Spice Girls were indeed about to reform. Oh joy, rapture :¬(

erichw1504's avatar

But before they did, Frank was now on a new mission, instead of boning Julie repeated, he must assassinate all of the Spice Girls.

etignotasanimum's avatar

It wouldn’t be an easy thing to do, since everyone knew that they were actually aliens from a distant galaxy with ambitions to rule the world with cheesy pop jams. But, what made Frank confident that he could succeed was his secret weapon:

erichw1504's avatar

his potato gun. It launches 5 pph (potatoes per hour) at a distance of 4m (millimeters).

SpatzieLover's avatar

Just then, Mr Potato head declared war on Frank.

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erichw1504's avatar

Frank threw naked Julie into his room and barricaded it from the outside. “Stay here, you’ll be safe from the evil Mr. Potato man”, he said.

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erichw1504's avatar

Frank stood in awe as she somehow went right through the door as if she were a ghost.

jellyfish3232's avatar

But nay, it wasn’t a ghost: It was merely a hologram, being operated by the spice girl standing… right… behind him!

creative1's avatar

Just then Mr Potato Head broke down the door with the help of Mrs Potato Head and….

jellyfish3232's avatar

…was promptly sliced, fried, and salted.

creative1's avatar

Tasty said Frank as he ate one of the sliced, fried and salted peices

6rant6's avatar

But the Potato Heads were not through with Frank, just yet, because they had initiated a plan before getting toasted, with two little words…

erichw1504's avatar

Mrs. Potato Head said, “Cowabunga, man!” and lunged for Frank’s jugular. Frank promptly…

jellyfish3232's avatar

…was distracted by a small spider crawling up his wall. Mrs. Potato head moved in for the kill.

SpatzieLover's avatar

Charlotte had written “French Fries” in her web.

erichw1504's avatar

Frank round house kicked Mrs. Potato Head in the face and promptly made french fries of her too. Only this time he double-fried them which made them doubly delicious. All of the sudden Julie came back dressed in nothing but roller skates.

KateTheGreat's avatar

But Julie brought back a very sexy man named Julio Bobert Von Raucshen Bubkin the III.

aprilsimnel's avatar

“Just call me Rauschie!” he said with a smile. That Rauschie was wearing green sparkly Hammer pants and a Charlie Brown zig-zag T-shirt detracted not one iota from his smouldering appeal.

erichw1504's avatar

Frank suddenly questioned his sexuality upon gazing at Rauschie’s square jaw and bulging biceps.

SpatzieLover's avatar

Raucshie asked Frank to waltz with him.

erichw1504's avatar

They waltzed and waltzed until the night came and passed. Upon sunrise, they realized they left Julie upstairs all alone.

6rant6's avatar

At the least, all the truffles would be gone.

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KateTheGreat's avatar

Julie also had a huge problem. When she was depressed, she would keep eating and eating. When Raucshie and Frank were done waltzing, they found that Julie had gained at least 200 pounds overnight.

MilkyWay's avatar

They both decided that they weren’t interested in girls after all and went back to Frank’s house for a make out session,leaving Julie to eat away.

jellyfish3232's avatar

She bacame so large that she ballooned to the size of a small whale, and began rolling toward Frank’s home, crushing everything in her path.

MilkyWay's avatar

Luckily for them,Frank and his new boyfriend were out dining when this happened and were therfore saved from being squished.

erichw1504's avatar

News was breaking out about “rolling Julie”, so Obama declared a mandatory evacuation for the whole town.

Michael_Huntington's avatar

And then he bombed Julie because his name is o-bomb-a

MilkyWay's avatar

He then got sued by Julie’s family and lost his job.People began to wonder who their next president would be….

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MilkyWay's avatar

This new president was hated by all the people around the world as he banned all things potato in the states,including chips,and banned all imports of “Potato products”.

snowberry's avatar

Mr. Potato head told them about his travelogue website (http://www.spudstravels.com/), and the people settled down when they realized how cool he really was.

MilkyWay's avatar

Until he was bombed by osama bin laden…

creative1's avatar

Osama took out that spud by bombing him and turning him into on big sea of mashed to be picked up and dropped on……...

MilkyWay's avatar

Justin Bieber’s house…

creative1's avatar

Just as he was singing his next big hit, Justin heard a big boom and down came a big pile of mashed spuds on him knocking him out

MilkyWay's avatar

Unfortunately,this meant he had to eat his way out,resulting in a very fat boy.Girls all over the world got over him and unfollowed him from twitter/facebook etc.

KateTheGreat's avatar

And this was said to be the biggest victory in the 21st century. But a new despicable teen came into power, his name was…....

jellyfish3232's avatar

Bjorn Gustavious Liechtenburgh.

DrBill's avatar

but the real power behind him was Kate the great

MilkyWay's avatar

Who pretended to be just his manager…

KateTheGreat's avatar

but instead, she was trying to take over the world with her Jedi mind tricks!

jellyfish3232's avatar

Bjorn saw through her thinly veiled trickery and decided to take matters into his own hands.

MilkyWay's avatar

By introducing her to Fluther and thus the world was saved from kate the great as she had become addicted to this site.

jellyfish3232's avatar

But that wasn’t the end of his ‘crimes’.

creative1's avatar

The crime was this became the neverending story

Blueroses's avatar

The literature police burst into the thread and arrested all the participants on charges of non-sequitur, nonsense and general silliness.
Also for unapproved usage of a Hasbro product.

SpatzieLover's avatar

Suddenly The Rain Maker entered the room with Erin Brockovich at his side.

DrBill's avatar

and Erin shouted to the police, “just a minute officer, I represent these people”

KateTheGreat's avatar

Erin then collapsed and broke out into a seizure.

Michael_Huntington's avatar

And then Frank woke up

SpatzieLover's avatar

wearing nothing but Julie’s roller skates.

Michael_Huntington's avatar

And then Frank woke up again, but in his pajamas this time.

KateTheGreat's avatar

Then Frank passed out once more, and woke up on the planet Zorgabiletrixy. He was greeted by a swarm of zoomerami beasts.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

He butchered the standard zoomerami greeting by saying “Znorg” instead of “Znyerg”. “Znyerg” means “Eat me” in Zoomerami, so the beasts grinned with nasty fuschia fangs and charged Frank.

Michael_Huntington's avatar

And then Frank screamed, “I can’t afford more credit card debt!”

Winters's avatar

The beasts halted knowing Frank wasn’t the game they were after, so they started an orgy.

snowberry's avatar

Frank tried to flee the scene before he was trampled in the chaos, but found himself in a circular room. On his third circuit he found a small red door.

erichw1504's avatar

He said, “Open sesame!” The door remained shut. So, with all of the force he could muster, he shoved his shoulder into the marooned colored passageway.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

But in the process, he dislocated his shoulder and sank to his knees, crying like a little girl.

erichw1504's avatar

Then the door slowly opened. There was a woman standing inside the room. She began cracking up upon witnessing the amount of tears flowing down Frank’s face and the loud girlie-like bawling.

snowberry's avatar

Frank didn’t care. After all he had been through, he just wanted to go home to his nice comfy bed, have some hot chocolate, and watch cartoon reruns. That, however, was not to be.

DrBill's avatar

he switched on the TV and found all his cartoon rerun had been preempted by some presidential, newscast, some national disaster or some crap like that. As he stared blankly at the screen, a man came on and introduced the president….

erichw1504's avatar

“Ladies and gentlemen, the president of the United State of America”, said Morgan Freeman.

MilkyWay's avatar

@erichw1504 !!!! @erichw1504 walked on to the stage silently thinking in his head… ”I’m not really a political guy…

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

Then, poor @erichw1504 was slapped awake by @queenie! She was wearing socks and sandals.

MilkyWay's avatar

And then she woke up. @erichw1504 and socks and sandals? Now that must have been the most awful nightmare of all.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

And an interesting tidbit came to light- everyone involved in the story had just been dreaming. It had all been just a horrible nightmare, induced by jellyfish stings received while they had all been cavorting nude on the same beach.

erichw1504's avatar

@WillWorkForChocolate wondered why she ever joined the jellies on the nude beach as some of them did not have the greatest looking tentacles.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

But then she remembered- she had really only participated in the beachplay because she wanted to see what @erichw1504 looked like.

erichw1504's avatar

As @erichw1504 strolled by, @WillWorkForChocolate stared in amazement at the most handsome, perfect tentacles ever to walk the beach of Fluther.

MilkyWay's avatar

But then @queenie also turned up as she wanted to see what @erichw1504 looked like too…
@WillWorkForChocolate noticed this and both of them got into a catfight…

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

But Chocolate won, because she’s shorter and meaner. She went for @queenie‘s ankles and the backs of her knees.

erichw1504's avatar

Then @WillWorkForChocolate stuffed @queenie in a chair with no seat and laughed for hours as her ass was stuck in it and she couldn’t get up.

jellyfish3232's avatar

Spongebob Squarepants decided that this was a perfect time to harvest some jellyfish jelly.

erichw1504's avatar

The soil was perfectly moist to produce many of them. We worked day and night, until one morning…

jellyfish3232's avatar

The jellies had run dry.

erichw1504's avatar

“Oh no!”, exclaimed Spongebob, “What ever shall I do?!” Patrick came over and passed some gas. You could tell because of the 4 or 5 bubbles the appeared behind him.

etignotasanimum's avatar

All of a sudden, a plane holding a ton of mail crashed down onto the island, and Tom Hanks climbed out. Unfortunately,

erichw1504's avatar

he had bad news. “Use this volleyball as a friend”, he whispered. Then he took off, apparently with the ability to fly, much like Superman, only less muscular.

SpatzieLover's avatar

At that point the volleyball began talking.

snowberry's avatar

“THE VOLLEYBALL SPEAKETH!” boomed a big voice. Eyes looked everywhere looking for the source. Then everyone gasped as the volleyball began rolling slowly, slowly…

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

toward @WillWorkForChocolate who had already had three glasses of wine. She picked up the volleyball and with a giggle, spiked it over an imaginary net, where it accidentally hit Angelina Jolie in the face when she dove for it.

snowberry's avatar

Angelina missed the ball and landed on her face. The volleyball began to slowly circle the room, ominously humming a Las Vegas show tune.

SpatzieLover's avatar

Volley then sang out “She’s a Lady” in his best Tom Jones voice.

snowberry's avatar

And in walked a golden retriever. The tag on its collar read “Lady”.

KateTheGreat's avatar

The golden retriever then transformed into a 6 foot tall Brazilian woman!

aprilsimnel's avatar

“Tudo bem, o que diabos está acontecendo aqui? she asked. “Uma menina não pode simplesmente pegar um sol na ilha estúpida! Quem tem jogado com o vôlei de magia?”

Michael_Huntington's avatar

What the hell is going on.

MilkyWay's avatar

She said this so loudly that the building collapsed and…

snowberry's avatar

so of course everyone got squashed. Which meant they went dead. Some were more dead than others though.

erichw1504's avatar

Orville Redenbacher was one of the least dead, so he was able to climb out of the rubble and do the skip-hoppity-do-dah jelly dance three times in a row.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

But his dance was cut short when someone popped him.

erichw1504's avatar

It was Samuel L. Jackson, mother f*cker! No, he didn’t shot him, he actually stuffed him in his gigantic microwave and set it to “Popcorn”.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

But Bruce Willis showed up and traded Samuel L. Jackson a Royale with Cheese to spare Orville’s motherf**kin life!

erichw1504's avatar

Jeremy Renner showed up with a sniper rifle and said, “There’s somebody out there on another island about 4 miles North and his name is…

snowberry's avatar

Snoopy Dog! Go bite ‘im on the ankle!

erichw1504's avatar

Bruce replied, “OK. You brought a sniper rifle, yet you want someone to bite Snoopy Doggy Dogg, whom is 4 miles away on another island, in the ankle?......... I accept your challenge!”

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

But then the scene was interrupted by the local mailman, who was screaming like a little girl whilst running from a pack of rabid guinea pigs!

erichw1504's avatar

“YOU’VE GOT MAIL!”, a booming voice stated from what seemed like an invisible 5.1 Dolby Surround System as the mailman flung a piece of mail at Bruce and disappeared before their eyes.

snowberry's avatar

Bruce opened the envelope with some scissors and began to read. As he did, he noticed his eyes began to blurr, and then he swooned. The ink on the letter was poisoned!

erichw1504's avatar

He quickly took the scissors and gouged his eyeballs out to prevent the poison from entering the rest of his body. The sight of this made Jeremy vomit all over his new crocodile-skinned boots.

KateTheGreat's avatar

Then the world exploded.

THE END.

erichw1504's avatar

But far, far away lived an alien race on the planet Tuton-X9. They were a happy race, not afraid of the occasional orgy in public. Until one day…

snowberry's avatar

a little girl began to read The Three Bears out loud. This caused great fear in the general population and riots ensued. Their world was forever changed.

aprilsimnel's avatar

Before, there had never been a concept of “too” anything; all had always been just right without anyone having to think about it. Now, thanks to this story, the people were deeply confused. The Flotburz dispatched his favourite and brightest assistant Franco to find out where the child had come from.

MilkyWay's avatar

Franco discovered that the girl was playing in a tin shed when earth exploded…and was propelled to their planet.

erichw1504's avatar

He asked the little girl what her name was. She said, “Flo.” Franco then asked where she came from and she said, “Earth”. “O. M. G!!!!!!”, he elated, “Earth is like totally my favorite planet! I haven’t been there in light years! What is it like now?”

MilkyWay's avatar

Um, she said… I can’t remember…
She suffered from temporary memory loss.
She began humming to herself Just keep swimming,just keep swimming, just keep swimming,swimming,swimming…

erichw1504's avatar

Franco took Flo over to Flotburz and asked him what to do with her. He said…

snowberry's avatar

“I dunno! What do you want to do, Flo?”

SpatzieLover's avatar

I want to floss, of course!

snowberry's avatar

Flo thought for a few minutes, and it suddenly occurred to her that nothing would please her more than to have a wig made from dental floss. She stood up with a gleam in her eye and a mission.

erichw1504's avatar

She scavenged the entire planet for dental floss. Days, months, years went by. Now, 18 years old, Flo, unable to find even a single strand of dental floss, gave up. Until…

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

She was run over by a truck filled with dental floss.

erichw1504's avatar

Fredac, the driver of the truck, got out and peeled Flo off the ground. He said he was sorry and drove off. Flo, now flat as a pancake, didn’t know what to do. She found Franco and…

snowberry's avatar

snatched the dental floss he was about to use out of his hand.

“Mine, all mine!” she shrieked. Besides making her flat, the truck had obviously addled her brains.

MilkyWay's avatar

Franco had a solution. He had been on earth many years before and had witnessed in an animation including a cat and a mouse, how they pump each other up after being flattened.
Franco got a super fast pump and began pumping…

erichw1504's avatar

but since he was extremely strong, he pumped too fast and Flo popped like a balloon. “Oops”, said Franco.

Meanwhile, on planet Zoraconalacan Arimantixar, Mr. Sfphor!gan-244 was…

MilkyWay's avatar

Sleeping, after a night of naughty action.

erichw1504's avatar

He performed the Bloxarcian-formak move on Mrs. Sfphor!gan-244 for almost 3 yiros. Fully satisfied, she woke up early to make her husband a stack of panfracks. Upon smelling the delicious breakfast, Mr. Sfphor!gan-244…

MilkyWay's avatar

Woke up and gobbled Mrs. Sfphor!gan-244 up. Then he decided to change his name to Gary.

erichw1504's avatar

Gary then went to work. Upon arriving to work, his manager noticed his new name tag and fired him. “Oh no! My burgafer flipping days are over!”. Gary had a life changing moment, he decided he wanted to become a professional belly dancer. He scoured the papers and online job postings until one day…

MilkyWay's avatar

He found his dream job that he didn’t even know he ever wanted to do!
Being a dustbin man! Gary smiled and whooped for joy.

erichw1504's avatar

He whooped so loud that his entire home fell to pieces. “Oh well”, said Gary, “I’ll just save up all the money from my new job as a dustbin man and buy a new glorious beach front home in the town of Ubaklavalala-o.

snowberry's avatar

It took longer than planned to save up that money for the beach front home. By the time Gary had it saved up, he had lost interest in the beach front home and decided to spend his money a different way.

erichw1504's avatar

He used it on all the hookers and blow he could handle. Gary became so addicted that he changed his name to Xor-xor.

snowberry's avatar

And then he changed it yet again to Charlie Brown.

jellyfish3232's avatar

Oh, that wishy washy Charlie Brown.

snowberry's avatar

Charlie likes to eat fried chicken, fried mushrooms, fried bananas, french fries. As long as it’s fried, Charlie will eat it. Well, most things.

Dutchess_III's avatar

good gosh. I do believe I lost this story line! But here goes!

For that reason, and others, Charlie is fried.

snowberry's avatar

Charlie opened a bag of potato chips and tried to find some dip for them. But dip isn’t fried.

Dutchess_III's avatar

So…he fried the dip…..and THEN

snowberry's avatar

it wasn’t dip anymore because it was sort of…crispy.

erichw1504's avatar

So, he tried to microwave it for 1 minute and 30 seconds. It exploded.

MilkyWay's avatar

Charlie had to get a face transplant done, as it had exploded in his face.

erichw1504's avatar

So, now he looks like Steven Tyler after a night of cocaine, hookers, and binge drinking.

SpatzieLover's avatar

But he still says “Ugh!” every time Lucy pulls the football away.

erichw1504's avatar

One time, when he was charging for the football, Lucy pulled away but he accidentally smashed her in the chest. She ended up with 57 broken ribs and permanently lopsided boobies.

SpatzieLover's avatar

Lucy made $3 million posing for a porn spread.

erichw1504's avatar

Now people all over the world were catching on to the new porn craze of women with lopsided breasts. Women were going out of their way to make their own ta-tas crooked in order to get featured in the magazine.

snowberry's avatar

Then the price of printer’s ink went up, and the magazine had to charge THREE times what they had been just to cover the cost of ink! Charlie went into the ink making business to try to find a new source of ink. He called his business “Charlie’s Ink Inc”.

SpatzieLover's avatar

Charlie became a billionaire from his publishing empire. He hired famed artist Baron Von Snoopy to paint his portrait

erichw1504's avatar

Behind his portrait he had a safe that contained…

SpatzieLover's avatar

Gary’s heart!

erichw1504's avatar

Yes, Gary had a computerized heart inside of him. One day it got a virus and started sending him Viagra ads into his brain.

SpatzieLover's avatar

Charlie had to have those ads, and that stamina.

snowberry's avatar

Charlie had a contract going with the Geek Squad, and just then a Geek came in to do his weekly service. Just as Charlie was about to reach his goal, the Geek ran a scan and found 6000 infections and 42 viruses. He deleted them all from his brain, and once gain Charlie was “normal”.

SpatzieLover's avatar

Aww Rats! UGH!” Charlie raged.

Just then Lucy rang his doorbell.

snowberry's avatar

“There must be millions of people all over the world who never get any love letters . . . I could be their leader.” he thought as he opened the door.

MilkyWay's avatar

But to his surprise it wasn’t Lucy! It was a radical robot hater and she killed him on the spot by electrocuting him.
Meanwhile, somewhere on the other side of the world…

snowberry's avatar

the National Climatic Data Center reminded them that the planet was continuing to warm as expected.

MilkyWay's avatar

I thought earth had exploded already?
The Government declared a state of emergency.

snowberry's avatar

I guess someone glued it back together when nobody was looking

But when someone reminded the government how well the glue was working on holding the Earth together, the government got some glue and fixed the emergency with it.

jellyfish3232's avatar

Unfortunately, the government was in debt by $14,272,503,246,233.86.
The purchase of the glue sent them over the edge, and every other nation on Earth declared war on them.

snowberry's avatar

Not to be deterred, the goverment got a lot more glue from their secret hoard (they do that you know), and glued all the people trying to make war on them. It really gummed up their war.

Michael_Huntington's avatar

“We have to save Princess Bubblegum!” said Finn the human.

jellyfish3232's avatar

Her long, pink, flowing hair had attracted a swarm of large white-faced hornets.

snowberry's avatar

They buzzed about, intoxicated by the beauty of her long flowing pinkish locks, until….

MilkyWay's avatar

She had a fit and lost all of her hair.

snowberry's avatar

At that point the hornets had an ethical decision to make: Should they sting the *$%@!!!# out of her, or should they go back to doing the usual white faced hornet activities?

erichw1504's avatar

They decided to go back to basket weaving and tea drinking. Finn the human, now free of the white-faced hornets, re-focused to his quest to save Princess Petunia instead (she was way hotter anyhow).

MilkyWay's avatar

Little did he know that Princess Petunia had a crush on one of the white-faced hornets named Bob, and wanted to marry him.

erichw1504's avatar

At the wedding, just before Petunia and Bob were about the say their “I do’s”, Finn came crashing through the chapel in his 2048 Ford Mustang DX. “Oops, I’ll pay for that.”, he exclaimed. “Petunia, you mustn’t marry this hornet! For I love you with all my heart!”

snowberry's avatar

Petunia was really torn now (she was in love with the guy’s money) Marry a rich white faced hornet, or marry for love and be poor? What to do?

erichw1504's avatar

Petunia married for money. She needed to get her mani and pedis and she couldn’t live anywhere but a mansion. 10 years later…

snowberry's avatar

she had a whole nest full of baby white faced hornets with a taste for petunia nectar. Petunia had created a monster!

aprilsimnel's avatar

But those babies loved their mama. They’d do anything for Mama; all she had to do was say the word…

erichw1504's avatar

“flabbergast”. One day, Petunia decided she wanted to leave her rich, white-faced hornet husband and buy an island with half of his money. Upon arriving to the island…

lucifer's avatar

she realized that she was Lost and what’s more, there were 70 other characters running around on that very same Island. She stared in horror as Jeffrey Lieber, J. J. Abrams and Damon Lindelof informed here that she would be stuck here for SIX WHOLE SEASONS. Meanwhile, at the Hornet household…

erichw1504's avatar

Bob discovered an alternative universe in which he was still married to Petunia. He hired Walter Bishop to help him cross into the alt universe and kill Altbob and pretend to be her real husband. Upon killing Altbob, weird things started to happen, as if the two universes were on a collision course with one another…

SpatzieLover's avatar

This is where the Big Bang Theory began.

erichw1504's avatar

Sheldon and Leonard saved the day with their invention that stopped the collision from happening. It was called the Hyperlucasive Vertigan.

aprilsimnel's avatar

The Hyperlucasive Vertigan broke time itself into molecules and also could whip up a choice of rich desserts on demand.

erichw1504's avatar

Including Nuclear Apple Pie and Cosmic Soufflé. Leonard decided to travel to the alternate universe and meet his alt-self.

SpatzieLover's avatar

Turns out his alternate self was Data.

erichw1504's avatar

He asked Data to party with him and he said, “Maybe another time, I have to feed my goldfish.”

takeachance's avatar

‘My gold fish’s name is Steven.’

ganti_x89's avatar

‘Doors explodes open’ “get to the choppa” screamed Arnold

snowberry's avatar

But where was the chopper? Arnold searched frantically for it, listening vainly for the “chop chop” sound of the blades. As he turned, a voice boomed out…

ganti_x89's avatar

“GET OVER HERE”!!!!!!

snowberry's avatar

But there was an echo, and he searched vainly for the source of the voice. “Quit dawdling and step on it!” boomed the voice.

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