Social Question

afm0ose07's avatar

Would you believe a guy if they said they'd stop smoking weed for you?

Asked by afm0ose07 (78points) April 4th, 2011

The question is in the title.. but here is a bit of detail.

I was hanging out with my guy friend of about 9 months last week and I heard him on the phone talking about 1/8 of something and paying the person back. I wasn’t bothered at first, he’s 23 years old and he can do whatever he wants. I like him though, so my mind began to wonder and I just want him to be safe. I texted and asked. He said it was about shrooms, but he hasn’t done them yet.

I was infuriated, but have cooled down since Saturday. I didn’t reply and received 9 messages between then and last night asking if I was alright, please respond and did I think any less of him. He texted me while he was at work, and I was in class this morning asking for me again, if I was alright and he was “so very sorry”. I said something back and it some messages are as follows:

1. I don’t know what I want you to say, but I want to listen and hear you out. I want to know things between us are ok, and if not I want to know what I can do to make them ok.
2. Im really sorry. I didn’t mean to hurt you. I just wanted to be 100% honest, I know I made a mistake here. I don’t want to lose a friend over this. I care about you a lot. I’d rather save our friendship than continue doing that stuff. I mean I’ve been texting you like crazy about this, you’ve got to believe me when I say this. Please forgive me and give me a chance to fix it.
3. You’re right, I don’t want to lose you. Me and my friends do other things besides smoke. I’ve always anted to a good reason to quit, so why not now.

It sounds like through some of this that he likes me more than a friend? I’ve known him since summer. We see e/o twice a week at school and he’s been asking me to hang out more lately. He says whatever you want to do is fine with me, all the time. Constantly there for me, helps with homework, courteous, etc. He’s a nice guy, so it’s hard to tell?

He admitted that he smoked everyday during his senior year of college, quit for 2 quarters and just started up again. I mean, he’s smart, and has 2 jobs, and is finishing requirements for medical school. As am I. I just don’t know what to say. I have never been at a loss for words like this.

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37 Answers

Seelix's avatar

Nope. Someone who’s going to quit anything won’t succeed at it unless they quit for themselves.

12Oaks's avatar

Nope. As a former addict myself, I could say that you can’t quit for someone else. You could only quit when you want to, when the time is right.

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

Everyone else is right. You can’t give up an addiction unless you actually want to do it for yourself. I’m having a really tough time giving up cigarettes because of that.

bkcunningham's avatar

I’d be more worried about the shrums than the maryjane @afm0ose07. Is he going to school?

deni's avatar

Wait….but it’s just weed as of now?...what exactly is the big deal?

afm0ose07's avatar

Yes.. he’s in school @ bkcunningham. Applying to medical school in about 7 months. i am not for drugs of any sort.. whatsoever. That’s my point, @deni.

marinelife's avatar

It sounds as if he wants to quit himself.

Ask him if he wants to continue to hang out with the people he smokes with. He will probably need to give them up too.

You will need to have a long talk with him face to face to be able to assess his seriousness.

bkcunningham's avatar

@afm0ose07 does he work? I’m just curious where he gets the money since he’s in school.

6rant6's avatar

I think the delima here is a bit deeper than “He smokes pot.”

How real can any relationship be which requires at the outset that he make a major change in his life – which it will be (just ask his friends)?

It seems that you aren’t using the differences between you as an opportunity to examine your life. You’re both accepting the premise that he must change to “earn” you. I just don’t see where this relationship has anywhere to go.

I’m not advocating drugs. But I think for you the opportunity is to figure out why you react so strongly to this guy – not your boyfriend! – smoking pot while going to school and holding down two jobs. Are you thinking that if he didn’t toke he’d be the Pope by now?

The_Idler's avatar

Yes, he’s definitely totally into you, and yes, you need to start smokin’ da sweet ‘erb too.

mrrich724's avatar

Don’t make him quit. It’s not a good foundation for a relationship . . . and smokin’ a doob’ or chewin’ a shroom isn’t really all that bad, so why the drama?

I have quite a few buds who have done it and are now successful people . . . in fact, quite a few friends from college.

And my one friend who was against it hasn’t graduated yet, 7 years later . . . go figure.

BarnacleBill's avatar

A difference in perspective about drug usage is a big issue in a relationship; it’s one of those fundamental differences that you can never be entirely okay with. It’s one thing to have done things when you are younger, and quit. It’s another to have done things, quit, and start back up. If stress enters into your lives, and it will if you’re both planning on going to medical school, usage could escalate, especially with easier access.

I can see why this bothers you; you thought the guy was one way, and it turns out he has an unexpected character flaw. You have to decide what parameters this puts on your relationship.

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

@deni I’m pretty sure those outside of CA and CO don’t get it…

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Nope. People usually don’t give up something they like and do frequently unless they decide themselves it has some sort of negative effect they can’t overcome. In this case he may be contemplating that you are the type of partner he’d really like to have more than whatever benefit he gets from drugs more than just saying it to please you or get you off his back. Talk deeper about this, ask him direct questions about what he thinks of the two of you together and you’ll know how you want to proceed.

Russell_D_SpacePoet's avatar

i personally have no problem with marijuana. My personal doctor is in his late 50’s and smokes pot. Has ever since medical school and he is a very good doctor. It just sounds like you two are different types of people. You look down on him because he smokes weed. He apparently didn’t think it is a big deal until you became aware. I wonder if he was a drinker. drank every day instead of weed if you would feel any different. I don’t think he has an addiction. Maybe, but it doesn’t seem like it. Most of the time when someone offers to give up something they enjoy for another person it doesn’t work.

SuperMouse's avatar

I would not. My 12 year-old asked me to add that he wouldn’t date someone in the first place if they smoked weed or did any kind of drugs. He also believes that even is this fellow tries to quit, he’ll be back smoking within three months. Thanks Nancy Reagan ~

stardust's avatar

No. I second @Seelix

Aethelwine's avatar

@MyNewtBoobs I’m in the cornfields of Illinois and I get it. :P

dabbler's avatar

curious what does “for drugs” mean to you ?

Kardamom's avatar

That last part really said it all for me. He is finishing up requirements for medical school. But he does drugs. Those two things don’t go together at all, that’s just stupid. He may have 2 jobs and be book smart and be nice when he helps you with your homework.

But he’s a drug addict. Just because he says he will stop for you, there is no reason for you to believe that. He has to stop for himself, and because he realizes how ridiculous it is for a doctor to be a drug addict. He probably likes to do drugs because they’re fun, all of his friends like to do them, and because he’s probably under a lot of stress with his heavy load. But he is teaching himself how to rely on drugs, rather than learning how to cope and do everything he needs to do without resorting to using drugs.

How would you like to learn that your own doctor spent most of his education doing drugs?

deni's avatar

@Kardamom I personally wouldn’t care….I’d rather my doctor smoked weed than was a drunk. So the guy likes to take a load off when he’s not working or studying….what’s the big deal?

BarnacleBill's avatar

@deni, what if he did it while he was working or studying? Would that make a difference?

deni's avatar

@BarnacleBill If it had a negative effect on his job and his grades then yes it would make a difference.

The_Idler's avatar

At least he’s not addicted to fucking television.
More than an hour a day watching TV, and you’re fucked up in my eyes.

“How would you like to learn that your own doctor spent most of his education doing drugs?”
I’d think, “thank fuck he isn’t going to be a judgemental prick when it comes to drug use”

I’ve met a lot of medical students, and I tell you what, they have a much higher rate of drug use than most, but you know what? They’re generally fine. Probably because they’re medical students, not a bunch of fucking ignorant fools.

There is such a thing as the safe & responsible enjoyment of drugs, you know?
I’ve even seen people do it with alcohol!

Facade's avatar

If you don’t want a boyfriend who uses hallucinogens, then you should probably find someone else. It’s not fair to ask him to quit what he’s doing to make you happy, especially if him using the “drugs” isn’t interfering with his responsibilities.

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afm0ose07's avatar

@milkshake1978 no, he just told me this.

The_Idler's avatar

And now he’s suddenly a different person?

Do you like him now? Yes? Well he’s a smoker now.

You like someone who smokes weed and enjoys psychedelics.
I don’t understand how you can suddenly start complaining about it, nine months on!

You’ve liked this guy for ages, and all the while he was getting high.
If it was no problem then, how can it be a problem now!?

What are you “infuriated” about? This guy seems like he’s got his head screwed on, and you like him! What the fuck is wrong with him using psychedelics?

Your behaviour was utterly ridiculous.

If you liked him and respected him the whole time he’s been smoking, how can that suddenly change? Clearly the weed wasn’t having any serious negative effects on him. In fact, the worst thing smoking weed has done to him is seriously disturb a friendship, because of YOUR absurd moral outrage at something as trivial as the casual enjoyment of soft drugs.

The_Idler's avatar

That said, maybe he does feel like quitting (for now at least), and will do it for you.

Zero chance of that, though, unless he stops hanging around with all his mates.
You gonna ask him to do that?

Kardamom's avatar

I’m going to guess that @afm0ose07 does not like the idea of people playing around with illegal drugs. I know I don’t. I don’t do drugs myself and I don’t like the fact that people screw around with them. They are illegal for a reason, they’re potentially dangerous and they make people act foolish. It is true that people can and do hide their drug use. The OP did not know her friend was a drug user. She might not have allowed herself to get so close to him if she knew that about him before. There are lots of things that people do, that they hide, and then when you find out about it, you lose respect for them. I’m not saying that any of these examples is equivalent, but I would be pretty upset to find out that any of my friends were cheating on their spouse, were shoplifters, beat their wives or took illegal drugs. There are plenty of people that are not my friends that do all of these things, I don’t care for them very much.

My cousin is an emergency room nurse, and she tells tales of having to deal with the aftermath of people playing around with illegal drugs (especially when driving and weapons are involved). She would say that it’s an oxymoron for someone entering the medical field to be involved with illegal drugs. It’s not ethical.

I don’t think that the OP should ask her friend to stop doing drugs either, it’s his decision, but it is also her decision whether or not to get involved with someone who does drugs and is not likely to stop, even if she wanted him to. It’s more likely that he would just hide his use from her.

The_Idler's avatar

“There are lots of things that people do, that they hide, and then when you find out about it, you lose respect for them. I’m not saying that any of these examples is equivalent, but I would be pretty upset to find out that any of my friends were cheating on their spouse, were shoplifters, beat their wives or took illegal drugs.”

What’s the point of those examples, if you’re not saying that any of them are equivalent!?

I’m not saying any of these examples are equivalent, but I would be pretty upset to find out that any of my friends were killing children, robbing old ladies, shouting racist abuse from their cars, or enjoyed eating MacDonald’s.
How’s that for a non-sequitur?


“They are illegal for a reason, they’re potentially dangerous and they make people act foolish.”

Why aren’t motorbikes, alcohol, BASE jumping, junk food, tree climbing, skateboarding, guns & being rich and famous illegal then? All far more harmful & dangerous than ganja.

Would you have a serious problem with someone, to the point of actively having nothing to do with them, or terminating a friendship, if you found out that they liked climbing trees, rode a motorbike and occasionally enjoyed a few beers & take-out pizza with their friends?


“My cousin is an emergency room nurse, and she tells tales of having to deal with the aftermath of people playing around with illegal drugs (especially when driving and weapons are involved)”

and they are all overshadowed, by a long way, by alcohol… but that’s fine, right?

“Driving and weapons” are dangerous anyway, and it takes a special kind of idiot to combine drugs and weapons. Such a person probably doesn’t need any drugs to help them cause harm to themselves or others.

Sitting down and smoking a joint is a very safe activity, actually. Far safer than, say, gardening, DIY, going for a leisurely drive, hiking, cooking some chips or sliding down the banister…

If yes, at least you have consistency…


There would simply be no discussion, if we had exactly the same situation, but with him drinking a few beers with his mates to relax, despite the fact alcohol is an extremely dangerous and harmful drug, compared with ganja.

Besides, smoking tobacco and poor diet, along with alcohol consumption, are BY FAR the leading causes of DEATH in developed countries. How many people do you know that do any of those things? Or did you sever all ties with any of your friends, who you found to be engaging in such harmful activities?

About 20% of the US population smokes tobacco, which accounts for

About 12.5% of the US population smokes cannabis, which accounts for


Now, as you can see from these academic sources,
Journal of the American Medical Association

Society for Study of Addiction

Journal of Psychoactive Drugs

Nutt D, King L, Saulsbury W, Blakemore C. ‘Development of a rational scale to assess the harm of drugs of potential misuse.’ Lancet, 2007; 369(9566): 1047–53.

M Ezzati, AD Lopez, A Rodgers and the Comparative Risk Assessment Collaborating Group, ‘Selected major risk factors and global and regional burden of disease’, Lancet, 2002; 360: 1347–1360

Hall W, Room R, Bondy S. ‘A Comparative Appraisal of the Health and Psychological Consequences of Alcohol, Cannabis, Nicotine and Opiate Use’

(you may be able to access the journals through your academic institution)
cannabis is far less harmful and dangerous than unhealthy food, tobacco, alcohol and every other drug in most senses, and drug policy is clearly contradictory, illogical and bears almost no correlation to the actual relative harmfulness of the drugs.

In addition, the activity itself is far less dangerous than consumption of alcohol, driving, woodwork, and a whole load of other common hobbies, past-times and everyday activities.

Now, I’m not encouraging it’s legalization or use, and I’m definitely not saying that it’s harmless, but we should just put things into perspective here.

So really, unless you’re morally opposed, at a similar or greater degree, to all those things above too, all that’s left to the argument is that you “don’t like it”...
Well, I don’t like squashes, but don’t worry, I won’t judge =}

mrrich724's avatar

@The_Idler This has gone from a question asked about this relationship to whether or not it’s “ok” to do drugs.

There’s no point in even continuing b/c people that shut down MJ usage for these types of reasons are doing it out of ignorance. And there will be no teaching them.

It’s NUTS that there are people out there that will criticize weed smokers, yet they haven’t even tried it themselves to see what all the hype is about! They just take what others say at face value without applying thought to it. “Weed is horrible,” and then they go out and get shit faced with their buddies b/c beer is legal.

(BTW, I am not a marijuana user, I just support this little idea called “thinking for yourself”) Most people don’t know how to think for themselves. And they will support a cause with all their might without even knowing why.

It’s like my friend who HATES George W. and can’t name ONE reason why. She literally proclaimed “I HATE HIM.” I asked why, she was stone faced and silent. Hate him if you want, but PLEASE be a good American and have a thought behind WHY!!!

So for your own sake, don’t spend so much time trying to convince these people otherwise. Times are a’changin’. There are pot dispensaries everywhere in LA, and you can get a card with little more than a couple hundred bucks. It takes time, but eventually the “thinkers” will outnumber the “sheep.” And then when weed is finally legal, all those people who were repulsed by it will change their minds.

I personally can’t wait for ex to be sold at the pharmacy . . . one day :)

The_Idler's avatar

Actually, I’ve met many reasonable people, who held vague misconceptions and prejudices, due to the influence of myths, propaganda, yes, ignorance. And these reasonable people, being, as they were, reasonable people, listened to what I had to say, realised their ignorance, and started learning about the world and its contents for themselves. This has made me immensely happy on many occasions.
And I’m not just talking about drugs…

Now, far from disdainfully ignoring all those who demonstrate such naivety, I believe we should be FIGHTING ignorance, one rational & level-headed disillusionment at a time…

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