What does emotional "connection" mean to you? How do you build it?

I don’t try to build any sort of “connection.” Based on my own experience over the years, it’s either there or it isn’t. When it’s there you know it, but when it’s not there, you wonder what and were it is.

It’s empathy, when you put yourself in her shoes and see things from her point of view. Not that you agree with it but you see it through her eyes. Acknowledging her feelings, that’s she has concerns, is sad, is happy etc. You don’t have to understand it but just acknowledge her hurt, joy etc. and recognise that she is human just like you and you get it.

@ninjaapantz

Perhaps that’s why I have trouble recognizing it. I am one of those whom others call “an empath.” I almost literally feel what other people are feeling. To me, this is just there… like air or water, so it’s normal for me to respond to those feelngs of others. BTW… in Vietnam, this “ability” almost killed me. : (

Just give your time and attention to your spouse. Use empathy and understanding as your tools and you will be in good shape. Also giving 60% of the time and do 60% of household chores. Now that is good “connection”.

@CaptainHarley ditto on being an empath. It must have been hell being an empath in Vietnam. I don’t think I would have survived then. Yeah, we have to disconnect and we don’t have to take on their feelings. Taking on too much helps no one really.

@ninjaapantz

Agreed! It WOULD have killed me had I not discovered how to “wall it off” from the rest of my mind/being/whatever.

Not sure if this really answers your question or is any relevant, but from my perspective— and obviously I’m no expert in any of this—

When you’re a couple with someone for a long time, you grow desensitized to the person and you become self-absorbed. Your mind has associated your partner with problems and chores, so that her presence becomes a dumpage for your thoughts and current interests. Since you can always count on her to be there, she turns into your wingman.

Overexposure causes a wall to be erected, each seeking privacy and freedom yet unable to cut loose. E.g. she knows you so well she’s tired of hearing about the same problem and same obsessions, while you feel like you need her support yet you resent that need so you become touchy.

I guess I didn’t really address “how to build connection” but “how the connection cannot be established.” If you can’t re-establish connection, how can there be connection? Old baggages block that complete ease and acceptance… but anyway…

Might be a good idea to stay away from each other for a while to recover from depletion? Time spent apart, you might start to miss her like crazy and return a willing listener. If that’s not physically possible, try not talking to each other for a week, pretending the other doesn’t exist? Sometimes you kind of realize that she’s done so much for you, and she also realizes that you’ve done countless things whatever it took for her.

Stop insisting that things be done your way..

Sharing with each other a little positive feeling each day is also good start.. It goes a long way, really…....

And you’re like.. what is this person talking about? I think I’m lecturing myself. Pardon me.

I suppose if the concept of a connection to your wife baffles you, you don’t have it with her. Period.