Social Question

starboyg's avatar

Dating question concerning whether or not I should tell her how I feel?

Asked by starboyg (201points) April 9th, 2011

I’ve known this girl since about mid February, and since then I’ve had stuff to look forward to. We hang about twice a week doing different things (Such as walking on our cities trail system on the river, or hanging out at coffee shops, going to see a movie, or just driving around for 2 hours after a concert.)
I am very attracted to her, there is just one show stopping thing. Towards the beginning, she was very upfront about not wanting a relationship because she just got out of one, and wants to be single for a while. That was about a month ago when she said this.
My question is, should I tell her how I feel and see what happens, or should I just continue as I am? The last thing I want to happen if I tell her is it changes out relationship for the worse, because I really do like where it is right now, even if it is just being friends.

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12 Answers

KateTheGreat's avatar

Does she seem to feel the same way towards you? If not, I’d keep away from that subject for a while. Let your relationship grow with her. Most of the time, girls need a little time to stay single after a relationship. She may have went through some emotional stress with the last one. Just give her time to realize that you’re a good guy and that you care about her a lot. Maybe she’ll ease up to the subject.

starboyg's avatar

@KatetheGreat I do think she tends to feel the same about me, although I’m not the greatest judge of that. I know she at least likes me enough to hang out with me a lot, which is a good sign. I taught her how to drive a stick shift last night, and there was some hand holding action.

KateTheGreat's avatar

Well have you even talked about it with her? Have you asked her how she would feel if she started dating someone?

starboyg's avatar

@KatetheGreat I haven’t asked her why she didn’t want one yet, but I will.

BarnacleBill's avatar

Sometimes people who aren’t looking for a relstionship, end up in a relationship. Start holding her hand when you’re walking, putting your arm around her, that sort of thing. Don’t push it if she said she wasn’t looking to get back into a relationship right away. Is spending time with her enough? Relationships are a growing thing; sometimes it just need to take root and an little tending to flourish. As long as she looks forward to spending time with you, and isn’t talking about other guys, it sounds like you’re the only game in town.

nikipedia's avatar

You might want to respect what she explicitly told you and lay off.

marinelife's avatar

Things are likely to change if you tell her, but since you like her they can’t really stay the same anyway.

So, tell her.

Hibernate's avatar

Express your feelings since you ain’t got nothing to loose.

The way things are going down now won’t last for too long.

john65pennington's avatar

Again. “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.

She has already explained how she feels and needs to recover from her other relationship. Don’t push the subject. Continue as is and wait and let her make the moves.

Bide your time, it may well be worth it.

Bellatrix's avatar

Many people bounce from one relationship to another and then another without any time to reflect in between. This lady has said she wants that time and I think it takes a great deal of maturity to recognise that you need to just be single for a while. She obviously feels she needs to get her head straight and have some time to just be on her own. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t want company, but she has said she doesn’t want the commitment a relationship requires. Give her time. You don’t want to be the rebound guy do you? As has been said, respect what she has said and if she changes her mind, she will let you know I am sure.

wundayatta's avatar

Ok. So what if you don’t tell her, and you spend time with her, and then she just lets things peter out because you don’t seem like a serious guy, and she actually likes you? What if you do tell her and it freaks her out and you lose her?

Oh, you can go around and around on this one endlessly. Where is it going to get you?

My feeling is that withholding information is games playing. You’re trying to manipulate someone if you are hoping not to scare them off by not telling them the truth. In matters of human relationships, I think it is best to say what you feel.

Most people don’t, and I think relationships get really fucked up because of that. We’re trying to read each other’s minds and tell them what we think they want to hear, and it just fucks everything up in the long run. Do you really want to be in a relationship you manipulated someone into? How could you respect that person? Or yourself?

I believe in that idea that you should be true to yourself. If you lose her friendship or love because she can’t handle that you have “feelings” for her, then how could any relationship ever have worked? You’re fooling yourself.

I think you should tell her. Not with any expectation or asking for anything. Just offer that these are your feelings. That’s it. She can do what she wants, but you want to tell her how you feel.

I’ve done this in the past, and sometimes I did scare someone by doing that. They didn’t share my feelings and were scared because of that, and after some sturm and drang, it ended. On the other hand, I’ve also had the experience where they felt the same thing and were afraid to tell me, and when I told them, it opened things up for the relationship to move to a much deeper level.

There’s no guarantees in relationships. There’s no predicting anything. I don’t think it is possible to do anything that isn’t part of your natural personality to keep a relationship together. Just accept who are are, and express it to her. If she breaks things off, then it never would have worked, and you find out sooner. On the other hand, maybe she feels trapped by what she said, and she’s really into you.

It’s a high risk, high reward scenario. Do you really have time in your life to waste on someone who isn’t serious about it? Hell, do you have the emotional energy to give away like that?

josie's avatar

See @nikipedia She already set the ground rules. Apparently you accepted them. All you can do is wait until she says her rules have changed.

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