How did your illness affect your attitude towards or about your life?

If you’ve been ill with a serious or chronic illness, or if you’ve known someone who has been ill, this question is for you. I’m wondering about how your attitude towards your life was affected by the illness.

I know that when I was having my first bipolar depression, I became very uncertain about whether life was worth it if it was going to be endless pain. In the past, I said I never wanted to die, no matter how badly things hurt, but depression sure made me question my resolve.

I kept on thinking how if I was dead, I couldn’t feel anything. Yes, there would be nothing positive to feel, either, but I would be dead, so I wouldn’t know that. There wouldn’t be a me to know anything.

Since I’ve recovered, my attitude has changed again. I want to love people more and I want to help people in a different way. I used to want to help people in a global way with better social policy or something. Now all I want are personal relationships. I want to help people heal themselves with my involvement in their lives, whether a fleeting involvement or one with greater depth.

I believe my illness changed my level of empathy. I had a lot of barriers and mistrust—fear that I would be hurt. I think that the illness showed me that my fear of being hurt doesn’t matter. The fear I felt about the mental pain was so much worse than any fear of failure might be. I think I learned that it is ok to be happy and that happiness is too precious to deny myself of it.