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Mariah's avatar

What advice can you give on a situation involving a friend's probably sociopathic, possibly schizophrenic, scary-in-general ex boyfriend?

Asked by Mariah (25761points) April 19th, 2011

I posted this question a while back regarding this guy. The basic situation is that my best friend’s boyfriend went batshit after she broke up with him and made a death threat. Again, I’m going to call the best friend A, the boyfriend L, and their mutual friend S.

After that, L got a visit from the police telling him that he is to have no contact with A, and he has obeyed. Neither A nor S had heard from him in months, so we were all starting to relax about the whole thing. But, just the other day, S told me that L had sent her another crazy text message. He is having what I can only assume are delusions of grandeur. He claims to have written code that was capable of shutting down electrical power plants, he says he used it on a plant in Iran and blacked out a hospital and got people killed. He claims he got paid 20 million dollars for developing a spam bot when he was 15 years old, and that he used the money to bribe A’s college into accepting her and to fund her scholarship. He rambled on about how much he misses S and especially A. I already knew he was mentally unstable but now I really think he is off the deep end.

S hasn’t shown these text messages to A yet. The first threat left A feeling very depressed for weeks… she has moved on from L now and I hate to bring him back in her life, but I think she needs to know about this. Should I tell her, or encourage S to tell her, or leave it alone?

With summer coming up, we’re all going to be in the same town together again. A doesn’t have an official restraining order but L is banned on her college campus, so she has been feeling safe. What should she do to keep safe over the summer?

Thanks all. This situation is just nuts.

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11 Answers

tedd's avatar

Wow… not really sure what to do. Obviously the next step is an official restraining order, which you can probably get despite the apparent lack of attempting to physically contact her (like stalking or in person).

It sounds like the guy is just a bit nutty in the head, could be going through a mental breakdown and its driving him to say obviously stupid shit. For the moment, I would leave well enough alone. Crazy text messages one time, could very well have just been him getting drunk and letting his mind get the best of him.

If they persist I would tell him firmly, to stop or you (or S I guess) will take it to the police and request a restraining order. If he continues, then follow through and get one.

If he “ups-the-ante” so to say, and begins to legitimately full fledged stalk, then I would quickly tell him to stop/call the police and seek the restraining order.

aprilsimnel's avatar

Is there someone who knows anyone in L’s family that S can get hold of covertly? I would also speak to the sergeant or detective or whomever at the precinct that gave him the general restraining order about the situation. Maybe they can contact his family. He needs help.

As for telling A, yeah, she has to know so that she stays alert. It stinks, but her protection is the first priority.

Winters's avatar

Restraining order and get an investigation of some sort started on this guy. He needs mental help, if anything he sounds more like he may be schizoid, schizotypal, or schizophrenic than sociopathic but nonetheless,, ignoring him won’t make the problem that is him disappear. And yeah tell A, best to tell anyone who could be affected by something L decides to do before he truly stops caring for anything and can’t control the delusional side.

mazingerz88's avatar

Wow, mental vigilance is the key here. But hopefully not to a point where you would go paranoid which will ruin your summer. @aprilsimnel and @tedd are absolutely right in reporting to the police as your first step. I wish you could spare your friend from not knowing about the text. If she’s my friend the last thing I want is trigger another depressed period. But she has to know short of you hanging around her like a secret service protective detail without her knowing. Her family, along with her other friends must show full support this summer. And let me say, she’s lucky to have friends like you who really care. Nothing can’t be beat with real friends on the case.

marinelife's avatar

1. Yes, encourage S to tell her (to show er the messages), but you tell her is S won’t.

2. Encourage A to talk to his parents or family about having him involuntarily committed for observation and diagnosis. Young people his age can manifest the first symptoms of schizophrenia around this time.

3. Have her get a restraining order (or better yet go out of town for the summer). Know, however, that if he is mentally ill, a restraining order will do little good.

nikipedia's avatar

Someone needs to contact L’s parents and the police. This could go very badly for a number of people. A is probably not the only person in danger.

Mariah's avatar

Thanks folks. This shit’s crazy. I just texted S and asked her if she’s planning on sharing those texts with the police. No response yet. If she won’t I might, although I don’t know how I would since they’re only on her phone. :/

Mariah's avatar

Okay, turns out S has now sent the messages on to A and is waiting for her input before doing anything.

Winters's avatar

Swipe it, a durrrrrrr… never mind

MissAnthrope's avatar

I once dated a sociopath/BPD person. My advice for dealing with highly unstable and potentially dangerous people is much like if you were faced with a bear that fell into a cactus (and is now maddened): be quiet, be calm, and get the hell away without drawing too much attention to yourself. Then, like a bear, don’t poke it later on. Try to avoid it. Keep a safe distance.

Basically, I would not try to reason with him, or tell him to get out of her life, or anything like that, that you would do with a rational person. That may set him off into doing something crazy. Avoid pissing him off. Hope that time and distance will cause him to move on or maybe find something/someone else to be unstable about.

If he seems to be a legitimate danger to himself or others (as in, not just vague talking about stuff, but like, ‘I have a machete and people in the town square need to pay the price for talking shit about me’), then I would get the police involved for sure.

Mariah's avatar

Well, A went ahead and sent on the messages to the investigator that handled her case the first time L acted up. She is just scared to be in town with him over the summer, and is hoping he might be institutionalized. We think he needs it, and he is unwilling to seek help himself. (One of his other delusions is that he’s under a contract that is keeping him out of jail for the things he’s done, and that seeing a therepist would be a violation of that contract – sigh.)

She is feeling depressed similarly to the other time, unfortunately.

Thanks jellies, for advising me on this, and the time before. I’m not directly involved but it sure is hard to sit back and watch this guy terrorize my best friend of 15 years like this.

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