Drinking is my top one. I drink every single evening, quite a lot, have been for nearly two years. I’ve noticed some alarming changes in my health because of this.
Wounds take way longer to heal, I keep getting these bad pains in my stomach area, several different ones if that wasn’t enough. And lately, sometimes I get these weird pains in my heart like it’s trying to implode, it really hurts. Now this may not be solely due to drinking, I mean I don’t know, and I also smoke. That’s also shit for the body, of course. But I never did experience any of this before constant drinking.
Drinking heavily also makes you barely eat, my diet is shit and I think I’m too skinny for my height. Bad sleep hours, as well. I sleep about six and half hours a day, and during most of that sleep my body is dealing with the alcohol, so I don’t really get much rest. At least I don’t know what a hangover is anymore. I still feel like crap in the mornings though. (I do make up for this on the weekends haha)
Mentally, I think it’s also self destructive. I’ve noticed my mindframe, views and ideals change a lot. It’s hard to explain though. I really have no motivation for all that much, and while I am active, as in I study and work, I’m just doing it because I exist, type of thing. Don’t know how to say it. It’s like I do everything just so I can drink later lol. If I use an analogy to try and explain this, it would be like my life is like a seagull flying out to sea in order to die. I’m not as head on as before, I don’t tackle issues or problems anymore, I just kinda like go through it, hoping there won’t be too much of a scratch. When I get to a road branching, I’m like, eh whatever happens. But before, it wasn’t like that at all, I would analyze things, try to predict an outcome and at least give shit a shot. It’s kinda scary seeing your entire mentality or wtv crumble like that, and realizing it really is happening.
But what caused this and why, I may have some ideas but really I don’t know. So somewhere I hucked my sword and wait for the inevitable, if that makes any sense. I think. That’s why it seems self destructive to me, because not really anything seems important to me, ecxept being drunk. It’s like the only spotlight I have, and, in drinking so much, you ruin yourself, as much as with the physical effects as with the reasons behind it.
Some other days I’m not sure. I feel passionate about a lot of things that don’t involve any drinking at all and still partake in them, but slowly, I see everything becoming secondary.
So have I tried to do anything about it? Frankly, not really. I keep saying I will, keep thinking I will, but I never really do. And mostly it’s because I don’t really care and want to keep doing this because as I say, it seems to me the only thing that really matters. i keep trying to convince myself otherwise, but it just won’t happen.
For example, I might not post something like this if I wasn’t under the effect, because it wouldn’t seem to matter to me to do it, but now that I’m pretty tipsy, it seems worth it, because I feel good, and that helps to deal with the bad. I’m not sure yet, but that’s probably pretty retarded, since it’s some type of delusion that really never has helped, and prolly just makes stuff worse.
Worse thing is? More and more often now, booze doesn’t do what I expect it to do, and sometimes it makes me feel way worse, so what am I gonna do when it looses it’s effects, if that can happen? (the feelings thing, not no longer being able to get drunk lol) Become a junky? (I hear a lot of recovering junkies end up as pissheads though, to quote Irvine Welsh)
People have tried to help, some still do, but an alcoholic who won’t help themselves is a lost cause, no matter how many people want them to get better. And that’s what sucks the most because I wasn’t always this way. Sometimes, when I think about how better it was before, it motivates me to try to do something, but being an alcoholic, the alcohol is like, level 99 +74. Or I just have no will power.
I know this is self destructive, but it’s hard explaining how, or why. If you ask me tomorrow it will probably be a different answer lol. So if I try to conclude, it’s self destructive because it’s a downward spiral I’ve fallen into but have accepted. Sometimes I really do wish some angel would solve it all for me, but this isn’t going to happen, and I’ll have to do it myself, and I don’t believe that I have it in me. Now I just wish that, when someone in real life asked me this, I could explain it like I did here. Well, it might not make so much sense but it’s even worse if you try to say it to a live person lol, drunk or not. XD
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