General Question

willbrawn's avatar

Do you know the doings of your spouse?

Asked by willbrawn (6614points) April 20th, 2011 from iPhone

So I got in an argument with my wife. She is out of town and I was headed out with one of my friends to catch a movie. She ended up getting upset at the fact that I didn’t tell her prior to me almost going out and said that “most spouses know where the other is at all times”. Now that just kinda blew my mind, also turns out she doesn’t trust me and thinks that I am going to cheat on her someday (which there is no cheating and has never been cause for such speculation). So I am thinking her thoughts stem from her insecurity. Regardless. Is that the normal of the world? Does yours spouse or counterpart know where you are at all times? Is that healthy? Should I be telling her more?

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34 Answers

downtide's avatar

My partner and I don’t keep tabs on each other all the time, and it would be normal for either of us to go somewhere without advance notice. We keep in touch so the other doesn’t worry eg: “don’t put my dinner on just yet, I’m going to the pub for a bit after work” But there’s no jealousy.

Sadly though, I think this is unusual, and most couples do have to deal with jealousy in some form or another.

Bellatrix's avatar

I generally know what my husband is up to but not because I keep tabs on him or vice versa. We just tend to do a lot together and if not, we let each other know. If I was away or he was, we wouldn’t give an itinerary of our movements though.

JLeslie's avatar

Pretty much I do. When my husband is out of town, but still in America, we don’t give each other a constant updates; but, if I called or he called we certainly would tell each other our day and our plans, and we tend to talk in the morning, and at least one more time during the day.

While everyone is in town we have a general sense of where each other is and if someone is going to be late or outside of the usual routine we call. So, for instance when he is at work, I may not know when he is at lunch or who he is at lunch with (but I might, because he often calls me if he is walking over to a restaurant to meet someone, but I would not expect it) and he almost always calls me when he leaves work and his on his way home or will be late getting home. It’s not that I require it, we have never discussed any rules on the topic.

My husband lived out of country while we were married for 9 months, obviously I did not know what he was doing all of the time, and he didn’t know what I was doing all the time, but if he asked it was no big deal.

augustlan's avatar

Nope. I mean, most of the time, we do know, but not because we demand to. If one or the other of us is going to be later than usual, we call to let the other know. If he was out of town, it wouldn’t occur to me for a minute to call him every time I was walking out the door. I’m sure he wouldn’t do that, either.

EDIT: This friend you were going to the movies with… does it happen to be a female?

willbrawn's avatar

Nope a guy friend for 10+ years.

Bellatrix's avatar

Sounds like your wife is feeling a tad insecure for some reason? Perhaps that might be something you need to do some talking around? Not in a “you don’t trust me sort of way” but more try to find out what is behind her feeling vulnerable. This is especially true if this is a fairly new development (this needing to know where you are?).

augustlan's avatar

Huh. I just wondered if maybe that was where the jealousy came in. Did you talk to her earlier, when you already knew you were going, and neglect to mention it? It still shouldn’t really matter, but I could understand that a little better than if you just hadn’t talked to her at all.

JLeslie's avatar

What @augustlan just said. That would make a difference. If you had talked to her and not mentioned it.

cazzie's avatar

My spouse travels for a living. I have no idea what he’s doing for days at a time, and he’s not interested too much in what I’m doing, as long as I fit in what he wants me to do for him and answer the phone when he rings.

He used to tell me about all his tourist/good time moments during his travels, but now I don’t want to know because it just reminds me of the fact I don’t go anywhere or do anything or ever have any money.

jonsblond's avatar

We have a routine and know when each other is due home. If one of us is going to be later than usual, we call and say what is going on. It’s common courtesy. If I’m making a meal for the family and he’s going to be late, it’s nice to know if I need to put his portion aside.

If he’s out of town, I enjoy my time alone and watch girlie movies and don’t bug him. He’s the one that texts and calls me. ;)

We are best friends, so we text each other everything and pretty much know what is going on with the other. Not sure if this is common or not.

BarnacleBill's avatar

Unless it’s a movie that she wanted to see, and you knew it, or if your “friend” is female and someone your wife doesn’t like, I don’t see any reason that she needs to know beforehand that your plans included going to a movie. Do you expect her to tell you everything she did while she was out of town, before she did it? Did she tell you everything she did while out of town?

CaptainHarley's avatar

My wife and I trust each other implicitly, thus there is no need for us to “keep tabs” on each other. However, we’re a bit of a special cirtumstance, since we’re older, have learned how to trust and be trustworthy, and the juices don’t flow quite as hot as they use to! ; ))

marinelife's avatar

I do know where my spouse is generally and he me. We hang out together when we can.

It’s not about tracking him down so much as it is sharing our days.

Bagardbilla's avatar

If my spouse was ‘doing’ anyone other then me that’d be the end of us being spousesses! ;)
Other then that, we’d volenteer and trust! I did like what @MzLizzy said about there could be a deeper issue you need to explore.

seazen_'s avatar

Friendship among Women:
A woman didn’t come home one night. The next morning
she told her husband that she had slept over at a
friend’s house. The man called his wife’s 10 best
friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship among Men:
A man didn’t come home one night. The next morning he
told his wife that he had slept over at a friend’s
house. The woman called her husband’s 10 best friends.
Eight confirmed that he had slept over, and two said he was still there.

Seelix's avatar

We pretty much know where the other is most of the time. Not because of any paranoia or anything, just as a courtesy to the other. If he expects me home after class so we can have dinner and I’m planning to stop at the library or have a coffee with classmates before heading home, I’ll let him know. If he’s stopping somewhere after work and knows I expect him home around a certain time, he’ll tell me if he’ll be late.

It’s not a trust issue, we just do it.

If he’s out of town, then no, I won’t tell him where I’m going before I go there. And if he’s home visiting friends or family, he’ll let me know where he’s sleeping in case I need him. Sounds pretty normal to me.

dabbler's avatar

maybe I missed something but I think she is being unfair. That phone call is when you told her you’re going out with your friend, you did your job. If she got back from the trip and found out you did this and you did that and all along you’d been talking on the phone and never told her, then she might have a valid issue.
[ also reminds me of calling my mom long distance and getting complaints that I never call ]
My wife is more sociable than I. Usually I get more notice but I might find out in the afternoon that she is going out that evening with a pal. That’s due diligence as far as I’m concerned. It wouldn’t happen if she and I already had something planned together.
Something that might make a difference is that I’m always welcome to go with them. But I like my puttering time and usually don’t.

Seaofclouds's avatar

We do tend to have at least a basic idea of what the other is doing just so we can plan accordingly. If he’s going out with his friends or me with mine, we try to give a general timeline of when we’ll be home, but it’s not set in stone. We don’t necessarily tell each other what we are going to be doing while we are gone (unless it’s something we’re looking forward to and we want to share). I might ask him how it was after the fact and we might tell each other about it, but it’s strictly because we like to know that the other person had a good time and we are interested in each other’s lives.

Could your wife had been jealous because you don’t go out to the movies with her very often? This will sound silly, but it’s not uncommon for a woman (and I suppose men to sometimes) to be jealous of friends of the same sex if they feel like that friend is getting to do things with their spouse/SO that they want to do as well, but don’t get to for whatever reason.

john65pennington's avatar

Cazzie, are you sure you two are married? My wife and I are very close, especially since I retired. We have a lot of time together. We do not keep a minute to minute tab on each other. We do let the other know when we are going off somewhere and have contact with our cellphones.

cazzie's avatar

@john65pennington We’re married. I have the paperwork to prove it. I do his laundry and clean up after him, does that count?

Facade's avatar

Yes, I do. We don’t see it as keeping tabs on one another. It’s more of a respect/consideration thing. I would find it odd for a person not to know where their spouse is. But, you should talk with your wife and try to get to the bottom of what’s really bothering her, and perhaps ease her worries.

cazzie's avatar

Oh.. I mean… I generally know what city in the world he is in…. but I don’t always know the name of his hotel, or ship or platform or exactly what he’s doing that day. He’ll call me when he’s bored, like waiting for his dinner to be served or waiting for his taxi to show up, but then our conversation abruptly ends when dinner/taxi arrives. He can’t have his cell phone on rigs and platforms. Time zones aren’t always conducive to keeping in touch. Sometimes he’ll post what bar/pub/restaurant he’s at on his Facebook page. Then I know. Honestly, when I’m home in the freezing snow, alone with a baby, I don’t want to hear that he’s in Singapore, having a champagne brunch with friends, or drinking MeiTais on the beach in Dubai or having to climb masts, land on platforms with helicopters, or be basket transferred in high seas I’d rather not know what he’s doing.

jonsblond's avatar

@Seaofclouds You made a very good point!

Early on in my relationship I would get a bit upset when my husband got to do things with friends more often than we got to do as a couple. I felt it was a bit unfair since I was home with the kids all the time and we never got to do anything as a couple. I do think a balance helps when it comes to couple time and friend time or someone may feel slighted.

OpryLeigh's avatar

My partner and I tell each other where we are and what we are up to most of the time but if one of us didn’t tell the other something as small as going to the cinema I can’t imagine it would start a row. If he left the country without telling me I’d be pissed off but if I wasn’t around and he decided to go to the cinema with friends then it wouldn’t bother me.

JLeslie's avatar

I think probably what really matters is how often does stuff happen that makes her feel suspicious. This one incident should not be a big deal if usually there is no suspicious behavior. She must be feeling insecure right now if she overreacted.

geeky_mama's avatar

I’ve asked my husband to please leave me notes about where he’s going if I’m not home and he’s going to leave. He found this excessive..but after more than a few times when I came home and the whole house was empty because he had taken the kids off to a park or something, I requested this..but this only applies if I’m in town, not traveling for work.

When I’m on a work trip I have NO clue what’s going on at home. He knows where I am (city, state, country..perhaps which customer I’m visiting)—but only loosely. I sometimes remember to tell him which hotel, sometimes not. If things get busy I might not call for a day or two. We both trust each other completely—if he’s home with the kids I assume no news is good news. If something went wrong I’d expect a text or call. Same goes for when he travels for work. We have an unspoken rule that is: the person who’s traveling is the one who needs to call home when their schedule allows them to talk to the kids. No call = I’m busy with work/clients/in a meeting.

In general we don’t keep tabs and I don’t know where he is every minute..but when we’re both “home” (not traveling) I tend to know more about where he is and vice versa.

Perfect example – this morning we are loaning our 2nd car to our house guests from Germany. He took our only other car (primarily “my” car that I drive) to get the oil changed. I’m working from home.
Out of courtesy he called me to ask: “Do you mind if I’m gone for a while?” after the oil change..because he decided to run errands. He’s not telling me where he’s going or what he’s doing—he’s just making sure I wasn’t in need of the car.

janbb's avatar

When we’re both based at home, we have a rough idea of the other’s day and ETA. If I come home and he’s not there, I don’t worry. When one of us is traveling, we will generally check in by phone every few days (more by e-mail) but definitely not keep tabs on what the other is doing.

SofaKingWright's avatar

My S.O. has been away for a few weeks travelling. I talked to him perhaps twice in this time period. I don’t suspect or wonder what he is doing. I am busy enough with my own life and responsibilities to also worry about what his responsibilities are.

I wouldn’t tolerate anyone asking me where I was every 10 minutes, or who I was with. That is plain ridiculous.

GingerMinx's avatar

Other than the good manners of lettign each other know if we are going to be late etc so we don’t worry, we don’t keep tabs on each other. Since you informed your wife you were going to the movies I am not sure why she was upset.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Yes, I know the doings of my spouse. Our lives are complex, we have a lot of pets, kids, relatives to take care of, we have to know each other’s plans at all times in case of emergencies, etc. I know his work schedule, he knows mine, we text incessantly ‘cause we miss each other all the time and we also keep in touch with my mother because we need to know who’s picking up the kids from pre-school. So everyone checks in in the morning and everyone checks in around 4 pm and then we know exactly what each of us is doing in the evening because we want to spend it together.

Allie's avatar

Well, I’m single now, but when I was with my ex I typically didn’t know specifics, but I could usually get an idea of where he was. I knew that if was between certain hours, then he was probably working. If he went out to dinner or something, he usually invited me. If it was “a guy thing” he just told me he’s not going to be around for dinner/can’t hang out until later. On weekends we were with each other quite a bit, but if he said he was going to hang out with his friend then that’s fine – I’d go hang out with mine.
I can see why you wouldn’t tell her where you’re going since she’s not there right now. I think if I were gone, he wouldn’t tell me either. When I was around, it was just a respect thing so that I wouldn’t wait for him or make plans to do something when he was busy doing something else. I also believed that when I asked him what he was doing that he’d tell me the truth. He was (is still) a pretty honest and open guy, so I had no reason to think he was doing anything shady behind my back.

SpatzieLover's avatar

My life sounds a lot like @Simone_De_Beauvoir‘s…kid/multi-pets/relatives to care for and many happenings. We generally know where one another will be. However, if I were out of town, our son was being watched and he’d already taken care of the pets/relatives, I can’t imagine why I’d have an issue if he went to a flick with a friend.

My guess is something else is going on in your relationship @willbrawn. Was she jealous because you haven’t gone to a movie with her in ages? Not been out on a date lately? Maybe she’s not getting enough alone time with you, or you’re both having some other communication issue…this discussion sounds to me like it stems from some other issue.

Rarebear's avatar

We generally tell each other what we’re doing. But we don’t get upset about it if we don’t.

Ron_C's avatar

Frankly, I get nervous if I don’t know where my wife is. She’s not the best driver and her night vision is crappy so I’ve convinced her to carry her phone. I tell her where I am and try to estimate when I’ll get home. I think that is a considerate thing to do.

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