General Question

FluffyChicken's avatar

How does one become less self-centered?

Asked by FluffyChicken (5495points) April 22nd, 2011

I have a huge problem, and that is that I am very self obsessed. It is ruining my relationship with the sweetest, kindest, sexiest man in the world.
I want so badly to make him happy. I realize that it is not 100% my responsibility, and no one can MAKE you feel happy. Whenever it seems like he’s feeling something negative, I automatically assume that it is my fault. Especially since he is not a good communicator, and won’t ever tell me what is wrong. Then I get into this huge downward spiral of negative self talk and self loathing, and just end up weeping uncontrollably, which in turn makes him feel frustrated and upset.

I know that people are SUPPOSED to have emotions besides happiness, and that it is a healthy thing, I have difficulty not turning it into something that is all about me.

How can I stop doing this? It’s ruining my life, and his too.

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22 Answers

twothecat's avatar

Make it a regular habit to do things for others, not just him, but for the people you come into contact with in your daily life. Once it becomes a habit, it becomes second nature. And it feels reallllllly good to make someone’s day.

Coloma's avatar

Start reading everything you can get your hands on about codependency, narcissism and emotionally healthy relatonships.

Take full responsibility for YOUR stuff, and you can gently attempt to lead your horse to water but, you can;t make him drink.

This is ALL about YOU!

You might be experiencing ‘normal’ self centerdness if you are a young person, however, if you fall into the pathological category of Narcissisim you will need to commit to a lot of self help and therapy to untangle your stuff.

A good place to start is to ask yourself if your ‘giving; has a hidden agenda of ‘payback.’

Healthy giving is giving without hidden expectations and because it feels genuinely good to show caring for another fellow human.

Best wishes!

seazen_'s avatar

The Bard said it (and most things) the best: Tis better to give than to receive. The Bible said something like that too. It’s true. The more you give, the more you receive and feel better about just giving – for giving’s sake. Emotionally, intellectually or financially.

FluffyChicken's avatar

@twothecat Thanks. It is a habit.

@Coloma Thank you. I don’t think there’s any “payback” agenda other than that his happiness makes me happy.

@seazen_ It is. I actually get a little bit of a high from giving.

FluffyChicken's avatar

@Coloma I looked up codependency on Wikipedia, and I fit the profile to a tee. Thanks for helping me find a name for this bullsh!t. This will help a lot in the healing process.

Judi's avatar

Start volunteering with organizations that help the needy. You will realize how trivial your self importance is.

the100thmonkey's avatar

“self-obsessed” is a very peculiar way to describe your problem, in my opinion. You’re not; you have low self-esteem.

One doesn’t become less “self-centred” – people are self-centred. Stop listening to what other people define as “healthy” (they almost always have something they want you to buy when they define any mental ” normalcy”), and bollocks to pseudo-factual shit like “co-dependence” – when someone tells you that you are a certain way, there’s almost always something in it for someone somewhere.

Your basic problem is that you don’t like yourself and don’t trust yourself. Work on that.

You are wonderful – I’ve never met you, but I know this to be true.

Coloma's avatar


Most of need to do this work at one time or another in our lives. There is no ‘shame’ in recognizing our codependant tendancies.

Knowing yourslef IS the most important ‘work’ one can ever do!

P.S. I love your name ‘fluffychicken’...haha

JLeslie's avatar

It doesn’t sound to me that you are self-centered? Sounds more like you are insecure in your relationship. If it is self centeredness that is causing problems then you need to take into account other people’s feelings before acting.

Can you give us an example of what you did that made him feel negative?

FluffyChicken's avatar

I would like this thread to be closed please. a turn of events has made it null and void. Thank you.

gm_pansa1's avatar

Put the shoe on the other foot? Try seeing things differently, like from someone else’s perspective.

seazen_'s avatar

Can’t we just talk amongst ourselves? Why do you have to close it? Why are you being so self-centered?

Coloma's avatar


That’s what codendence IS. Not liking, trusting, knowing yourself and trying to get ones needs met by being a people pleaser.

Of course, we are all wonderful, but, that doesn’t mean we are healthy or functioning at our personal best. All work is good work, and there are many good works.
I say leave no stone unturned when seeking to become your personal best.

jamielynn2328's avatar

I wonder what turn of events could have made this null and void? Just a warning….if there was a dissolution to the relationship, self evaluation is still necessary. Or else you will bring these issues (which seem more like low self esteem to me) into your next relationship.

FluffyChicken's avatar

Yes, I certainly have low self esteem and that seems to be my personal issue, but he says that he doesn’t love me in a romantic way, and he would rather be my best friend than my boyfriend, and that is the end of the story.

JLeslie's avatar

I’m sorry you are going through this. Must be very upsetting. I think you need to just be yourself, and find someone who appreciates who you are. Do you really feel you are self centered? Or, is that what he was telling you? I am thinking he might be a jerk, and his opinion might not mean anything.

Coloma's avatar


Never want someone who doesn’t want you back. I know it’s hard, but, the bright side is you are free to find a more rewarding and mutual relationship!

One door closes and another opens….always! :-)

JLeslie's avatar

@Coloma‘s advice is good, she is right to not want him if he doesn’t want you. But, unrequited love can be very painful. :(

FluffyChicken's avatar

@Coloma It’s true. I really want him to be happy and be with him, but I’d rather he be happy and not with me than miserable and with me, as hard as that’s going to be.

@JLeslie actually he treats me like a princess. The co-dependance and self loathing are my issues not his. I see that now.

filmfann's avatar

@FluffyChicken As someone who has embraced Self Loathing, I can tell you it can be an asset to you. You are not special. You are not a beautiful or unique snowflake.
Tell people not to celebrate your birthday. Do your best to ignore it. Embrace the idea that you don’t deserve that kind of random attention.
What concerns me is the co-dependancy you mentioned. That is the flaw you need to work on.

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