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klutzaroo's avatar

What can I do to get my mother off my back about my wedding?

Asked by klutzaroo (4716points) April 25th, 2011

Its a year and a half away and she’s already started telling me “how its gonna be” as soon as another wedding that we were involved with was finished last weekend. She would be ecstatic to just plan the whole thing and have me show up, but that’s not going to happen. She’s very overbearing and critical and when I talked to my father (who is doing the paying) about it, he agreed that we were going to have plenty of problems with this and that I would have to find some way to deal with her brand of crazy. I’m plenty old enough to not need her telling me… well, you can imagine the rest.

I’m looking for ways (practical or evil) to reduce the criticism and make life easier. She is not going to be allowed to plan my wedding (she already had hers, this one’s mine), but that won’t keep her from trying. Any suggestions?

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27 Answers

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

Can’t you just tell her that you are going to plan your own wedding and if you want her help,you will ask her for it? ...and if she does butt in,you will chain her to a pole in the basement until it’s over.
Good luck ;)

klutzaroo's avatar

Nope. Already tried. No go.

I told my father that she can be dis-invited til the week of if she can’t behave herself. He loved the idea in theory.

I did something evil the other day… I spent 30 bucks on eBay on a short white dress that my boobs will be practically popping out of… not really something she’d want to see me in at all. When she starts on my dress (again, she’s already told me where we’d be buying it without even knowing if they carry anything really in my size), I plan on pulling it out and telling her that I will be wearing my Halloween costume dress to get married in. No idea how that’s going to work out, but it’ll be interesting at least.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

@klutzaroo -I think you have it pretty well figured out! If you can’t beat them,mess with them! LOL!

klutzaroo's avatar

Do they have a “Momzilla” show?

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

@klutzaroo -Maybe you could humor her by going out for a day shopping and still get what you want later?

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

Let her start her planning and early on in the planning take her on the Jerry Springer show and tell her you’re going to have the drunk minister guy marry you on the show if she doesn’t back off, while wearing your halloween dress.

sakura's avatar

Could you choose somethinh she can organise? Like a certain part of the day, or refreshments or something then she can feel like she is part of the day, but not really!!

klutzaroo's avatar

@lucillelucillelucille She already told me that I can’t have the colors that I want. She is ok with my #1 color, but for the accent/whatever suggested another color. I said fine, we’ll do that as the #2 color and have touches of my color as #3. We’ll do that… and #3 will slowly become more and more prevalent as we go on until the day of when crazyhead looks around and says “wait a minute…” :D

tedd's avatar

Ummm…. you could just flat out tell her… Mom, I’M planning my wedding, I’ll decide what colors, where I want to shop, what I want to do…. You can either help when I ask you too… or not be involved in any of the planning…... And then stick to it. If she fails to obey you, leave her out of it…. simple as that. You already have your Dad backing you, and he’s footing the bill.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

@klutzaroo – Is an elopement out of the question? XD

Cruiser's avatar

Tell your mom if she doesn’t back off that you swear you will bury her in a clown costume when she passes.

klutzaroo's avatar

@lucillelucillelucille Its going to be my threat. Next big bitch fit she pitches I can tell her that I could go to the courthouse tomorrow and there’d be nothing she could do about it.

@Cruiser Hmmmm…

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

@klutzaroo Will she back off when you put your foot down on other issues?

tedd's avatar

@Cruiser Thats the greatest thing I’ve ever heard.

auntydeb's avatar

Hi @klutzaroo here’s an idea. My Stepdaughter got married three years ago and wanted me to help, rather than her Mum. I was very willing, but her Mother was all over it and really annoying – her prerogative I’m sure, but difficult. I’m a great organiser, but have infinite patience, so lead Stepdaughter through each stage gently and let her do most of it herself. Her Mother, bless her, was tasked with setting out the whole thing on paper, thus creating a great reference for both of us, but no longer being needed.

Could you bear to get together with your Mother and ask her to put together a complete list of what would be needed for ‘her’ version of your wedding, for you to refer to? Get her to find out information you actually do need – say prices of things, or quantities of whatever – so that she has a real job to do.

Make it clear that the design/venue/style or whichever parts she objects to, are your choices, but that the event itself needs to run smoothly, that (maybe?) her need to be involved could actually provide you with some really useful information and a reference to use, thus pleasing an overexcited Mother and perhaps avoiding too many Bridezilla moments closer to the day…?

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Ugh, I’m sorry. My parents were this way about my first wedding and since they were paying for it, I had little recourse. For my second wedding, everything was the way I wanted it to be and they weren’t paying so I didn’t give a shit what they thought. I don’t understand why moms don’t see how cliche they’re being by wanting to live through their daughters again and not letting their daughters expereince the fun for themselves.

YARNLADY's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir wanting to live through their daughters again and not letting their daughters expereince the fun for themselves. That is psychobabble. To assign such a nonsense motive to the Mom sounds very judgmental. More likely, she just wants her daughter to be happy and she thinks she knows how to make it happen.

I like the advice from @auntydeb. or, keep a date book, and every time she makes a suggestion, have her write it in your date book for future reference. I would even say “Great Idea Mom (because it probably is), write that down.” Then you decide if it’s useful or not.

lonelydragon's avatar

Here’s a thought: could you and your intended pool your resources and pay for it yourselves? You may have to be content with a less elaborate ceremony, but it would get your mother off your back. If that’s not possible, perhaps you should make good on the threat to elope.

@YARNLADY I’m sure there are plenty of mothers who fit your description, but there are also mothers who plan the weddings based on their own preferences and couldn’t give two whoops about what their daughters want. OP’s mom seems to fall squarely in the latter category, trying to tell OP what colors she should and should not wear.

YARNLADY's avatar

@lonelydragon You and @Simone_De_Beauvoir are probably correct. I keep forgetting how many people come from dysfunctional families here on fluther.

klutzaroo's avatar

@YARNLADY You’ve never met my mother. She fits @Simone_De_Beauvoir‘s description to a T. She’d be perfectly happy if I’d sit down and shut up and show up on the day of for the wedding that she planned completely the way she wants it that has nothing whatsoever to do with me.

@lonelydragon We’re having the least elaborate ceremony that I can manage. The reception, for the large group of people who are mostly family, is where money is going to be spent. Since its mostly my father’s family that we’re required to have (and feed) at the required family wedding (escaped to the beach to avoid the small town wedding where my mother invites everyone she knows whether I know or like them or not), I don’t have a problem getting him to pay for it. After that its mostly just the dress and whatever I can’t get away with not having on the bill. My budget is food & beverage + as little as possible, but for all the people that I’m going to be obliged to have there (and who those people belong to on top of it)... its just not feasible for us to pay for it all.

klutzaroo's avatar

Thank you for the ideas @auntydeb!

klutzaroo's avatar

I think I’m probably just going to have to throw the biggest bitch fit known to man and let her know that while she can HELP with making things happen, I am more than capable of making decisions on my own. She might not agree with them, but odds are they’re not tacky or inappropriate in any way, they’re just more me than her. If she doesn’t want to help, she can sit back and show up on the day of. Fortunately, I have more than enough people who have good taste and can help if I need them. Maybe she’ll behave (unlikely) but if she won’t, its not like I don’t have people that I can fall back on.

One of my favorite lines to quote ever… my MOH looked at me one day out of the blue and said “Dude, your mom’s crazy.” I have to agree.

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

You just tell her no, and then ignore her until she stops protesting. If she doesn’t stop protesting quickly (5–10 minutes), you end the phone call/meeting with her until she can behave herself. Repeat. That way, you’re not only saying no, but showing her that you aren’t going to waste all the energy fighting her that she is fighting you. She might think if you put up such a big fight with her, it’s a sign that there’s some way in, some weakness she can exploit, and she’ll be intent on finding it especially if she’s normally like this, not just re: the wedding. Just keep seeing it as her being a 2 year old throwing a fit in the grocery store, and you’re the parent who just ignores them, continues their shopping (or at least pretends to) in that aisle until the toddler has worn themselves out, and then carries on.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@YARNLADY Oh thanks, person apparently coming from a non-dysfunctional family. Have fun with that.

YARNLADY's avatar

@Simone_De_Beauvoir I worded it incorrectly – I often forget that other people weren’t lucky enough to grow up with parents that truly loved them and made every effort to see that they were happy, like I did.

BarnacleBill's avatar

Did her mother plan her wedding?

If you keep telling her you haven’t decided on a date yet, she can’t create too much trouble. If you talk to her about the event, she will run with it. Keep your mouth shut, make the arrangements, be done with it. Part of the problem is, you want her to like your choices and agree with them. You know that isn’t going to happen.

Plan B is to complain about her to all her friends, that she’s making your wedding a living hell. It will get back to her.

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