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wundayatta's avatar

Can you accept help?

Asked by wundayatta (58571points) April 27th, 2011

I can’t. I would almost rather die than accept anyone else’s help. I hate the idea of owing anyone anything. The only circumstances where I can accept help are when I am giving them as much as they give me. Like a support group. We all need. We all give.

Otherwise, I prefer to help others, so my side of the balance sheet is always positive. I’d never call in a favor, but I like knowing I don’t have to feel obligated to someone.

I hate the idea of owing anyone anything most when I’m depressed. I tend to prefer to go off in a corner by myself, where people don’t have to worry about me. Of course they do worry, so it does no good, but I try hard to hide any pain so no one will be concerned.

It’s pretty fucked up, but I don’t want to burden anyone.

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17 Answers

yankeetooter's avatar

I can, but it is not always easy for me. Probably the people in my life I can accept help from are those I know I have done a lot for, so I guess I’m similar to you. My family tends to be rather mercenary about things, so I often have trouble accepting help from them because I worry about it being thrown back in my face. Also, help (for me at least) can only be accepted from those I trust…

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

Yes.Now get over here and dig up my garden.
Thanks in advance! :)

yankeetooter's avatar

No, sorry, no can do…I have to go see my honey tonight…

optimisticpessimist's avatar

I have no problem accepting help. Asking for it is another story.

AmWiser's avatar

I can and I do accept help from anyone that I love and trust.

yankeetooter's avatar

Good point @optimisticpessimist. Asking for help and accepting offered help are two very different things for me too.

Pandora's avatar

From some people I have problems accepting help for the reasons you give. My mom is very much like that. It has been something that has bothered her all her life. Now that she is older and can’t drive she has to ask her children to drive her to places and it kills her to do so. She sometimes won’t go to see a doctor because she doesn’t want to bother anyone.
What she doesn’t see is how it makes everyone else feel. We are her children and she raised us and took us to doctors when we needed to go. Its fustrating to see that she is willing to be miserable than ask us for something. Not so much myself because I am far away and I know to offer things when I can rather than ask her if its ok. Its the only way she will accept help without arguing.
I also do not like to ask for help but I also know that there will be things that are beyond my capabilities at time and I may have to ask someone else who can do it.
I just try to avoid asking help from those who would use it to make me feel obligated in the future.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

I can accept help when I request it.
I request help only when I am ready to accept it.
Sometimes I wait too long to accept that I could benefit from the help of others.

I am always willing to offer help where I think it would benefit someone else.

I never worry about anyone being obligated, in either direction.

nebule's avatar

Absolutely! Queen of humility…when necessary..;-)

downtide's avatar

I will readily accept help if offered but I wouldn’t ask for it unless totally desperate. (This means anything to do with DIY).

YARNLADY's avatar

As a frequent help giver, I can assure you, no debt is incurred. The payment is the good feeling that results from giving.

Yes, I not only frequently give help, I also accept in the spirit it is given, with no strings attached, solely for the good feelings giving generates.

Berserker's avatar

I rarely ask for help, but when it’s offered, I’m happy to take it. I often need some form of help lol.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Not very well. I’m better now but it’s taken 40yrs to become moderately low-key.

wundayatta's avatar

@YARNLADY It’s hard to conceive of the idea that there are no strings attached. I would always feel obligated to someone who did me a solid. I would always want to show my gratitude by returning the favor.

On the other hand, I don’t mind doing people favors for nothing. Most of here do, I think. That’s what fluther is all about. Ok. I don’t mind a little gratitude every once in a while :)

YARNLADY's avatar

@wundayatta Try to relate your own feelings when you do someone a favor unless you expect something in return

Jeruba's avatar

Accept it, yes, I can (usually), But I just hate to ask for it. Right now I have no choice. It’s all too easy to take for granted the use of all our limbs and faculties—until we have to deal with some sort of impairment.

I try really hard not to let the way I feel about having to ask spill over into my asking. It’s much easier to help a cheerful asker than a sour old grump, even if what the bad attitude really means is “I’m terribly sorry to have to bother you with my annoying request.” The fact is that many (most?) people like to help and enjoy the feeling of being useful, so when we ask, we’re giving them something. We’re giving them a feelgood opportunity and letting them be valuable to us.

I wish I could remember that myself.

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