Social Question

ilovechoc's avatar

How to give proper but polite hints to reject someone?

Asked by ilovechoc (142points) May 2nd, 2011

First of all, I just want to apologize if this offends anyone out there, but if I do, I absolutely don’t mean it.. I just need some help to solve the problem that I’m encountering right now.

I’m just wondering if anyone have been wooed or pursued by someone of the same sex, but you absolutely has no interest in that way at all (you are straight)?

I have a friend whom I originally thought was just a girl who’s rather tomboy. I didn’t realised that she’s actually into girls at all. And recently, I’ve got a strong feeling that she’s trying to pursue me by trying to ask me out, keeps texting me, and so on.. I’m just wondering how should I let her know (hints, etc.) that I’m straight, but in a very polite way?

Oh ya and I’m thinking that she’s this way because there was once when we were talking, and I said I don’t like pink color.. And she said “oh you’re a tomboy then?” and I said, “yes, I used to be a tomboy, but my mom told me to change”
I’m not sure if she has the wrong idea or not, but I thought tomboy means that a girl who dresses up and likes ungirly stuff.. which doesn’t necessarily mean that I once a lesbian (and I NEVER am).. So I’m just wondering if the context “tomboy” also means that you’re “lesbian”? or no?

And how do I give her hints that I’m not into girls at all (politely/indirectly)?

Thanks! and I really don’t mean to offend anyone out there.. I really don’t. But if I do, once again I sincerely apologized for that. I hope you understand. Thank you!

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12 Answers

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

It doesn’t matter who it is,I just say that I am not interested.

Kardamom's avatar

If she actually asks you out, then you should just be honest and say, “I’m sorry, but I’m not gay, I hope I didn’t mislead you.” Then just be pleasant and continue the conversation. If you two are both young, there is the slightest possibility that she might have thought you were gay because of the tomboy conversation. She also may not actually think you’re gay at all, but she likes you as a friend.

If she hasn’t actually asked you out. You could make up a little white lie suggesting that you have now, or had in the past a boyfriend. Then you wouldn’t have to embarrass her or yourself by blurting out that you are straight.

Whatever you do, just be nice and polite and kind. Don’t ditch her either just because she’s gay. If she’s nice enough, continue to be friends with her.

leopardgecko123's avatar

No, a tomboy is a girl who doesn’t like girlish stuff and doesn’t mind getting dirty and doesn’t care about how they look. They like outdoors a lot and spend a lot of their time there. I’m not sure, but I think everyone has a different opinion on what a tomboy is. This is mine, partly because I do all of this and I don’t like the idea of me being a girly-girl. But, I have to admit, I do like shopping and that stuff sometimes. It’s okay once in a while.

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

If she’s asked you out, directly, then what @Kardamom suggested is perfect. If you simply think she has a crush on you, you can mention how you like this one guy on a tv show you watch and think he’s cute. She might take that to mean you’re straight, or she might think you might be bi, in which case she’ll probably try to ascertain your feelings on women, to which you simply say that you’re straight. I’ve had tons of women do the not-so-subtle “I like penis” to me simply as a way of saying ‘Just FYI, us being friends could be awesome, but more than friends isn’t gonna happen’. It’s never offended me – I have no desire to chase straight girls, and sometimes it can be hard to tell. In those cases, open communication is always the best policy.

ETpro's avatar

I wouldn’t bring it up unless she makes a direct pass, or asks you out on what’s clearly a date and not just grabbing lunch or a movie together. It’s awkward when you have to say no to someone who’s interested even when they are the opposite sex. It’s even more so when they are gay and you’re not.

But I think if she makes her intentions clear that she wants a sexual relationship with you, you have to be honest with her. Tell her you value her friendship, but that you are straight. Tell her you are flattered that she would find you attractive, but you just aren’t wired that way, and none of us can help how we are wired up.

Good luck, and welcome to Fluther.

Cruiser's avatar

NO thank you” works pretty well for me.

ilovechoc's avatar

I also think that by lying that I have a boyfriend is a good idea, but I already mentioned that I don’t when she asked if I have one (before I knew that she’s into girls)..
I’m the type of person who doesn’t really like to have any conflicts/tension between friends, so I really try to be as nice as I could whenever she texted me message or talked to me, but I gave answers just enough to reply whatever that she’s asking.. I thought it should already give her the hints.. But the thing is, I have a habit of typing “haha” or “lol” after each message.. So I guess she thought that I’m happy that she texted me because she once asked me that.. and I replied “no, it’s it’s just a habbit of mine”
I don’t know why but I automatically wrote that to every text message that I received (no matter who it is) or even in FB too.. I felt that something is missing if I didn’t write “haha” or “lol”.. haha you may think it’s weird..

I really want to be as nice as possible to her because I really don’t want to hurt her feelings, or make her think that I’m a bad person once I know that she’s into girls.. But the thing is I’m really afraid that she’s getting totally different signals than what I intended to.. I really want to be nice to her because I’m also not the type of person who can just say straight to someone’s face that I don’t like them, or stuff like that.. I really don’t like to have any tension or conflicts between friends.. I really don’t know that I’m getting myself into trouble by doing that..

ETpro's avatar

@ilovechoc You culd always try steering the conversation to what you fid interesting in a guy. She should get the hint pretty quick if you talk about what you’re stalking in the old mating game.

MyNewtBoobs's avatar

@ilovechoc If it were me, I wouldn’t really love you lying about having a boyfriend if you’re looking to have some sort of relationship with me (friendship, drinking buddy, trivial pursuit buddy, whatever) because it’s still starting the relationship out on a lie. I get the idea that rejecting someone is hard, but I probably won’t take it as rejection that early on, and definitely not personally since you’re saying that it isn’t me, it’s my extra X chromosome.

bobbinhood's avatar

Do not lie to her. Even “little” lies ruin the base of trust that is required to build a solid friendship. Also, if you try to avoid her or send hints that you don’t like her, she is likely to start thinking that you want nothing at all to do with her, when you really just don’t want her as a romantic partner. Giving hints is a dangerous game, as it often sends the wrong message.

If you want to have a good friendship, then romantic interests won’t be off limits conversationally. That means you will likely discuss boyfriends with her, and she will likely discuss girlfriends with you. With that in mind, it would not be strange for you to bring up something about, “OMG…I saw the hottest guy at the mall today,” or, “I’m crushing hard on Justin. Do you think I have a chance?”

klutzaroo's avatar

Believe it or not, honesty is the best policy. In all things.

Skaggfacemutt's avatar

If you like her as a person, it should be easy. You could say something offhand, like “you are such a good friend – it’s too bad that I am straight!” I have often said similar things to my friends, even though we are all straight, like, “your cooking is so good – if I was a guy I would marry you.”

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