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Kokoro's avatar

Friends with benefits is moving away, what to do?

Asked by Kokoro (1424points) May 3rd, 2011

One of my friends has a friend with benefits, and she thinks that he cares about her. Over time she began to really like him too. They would always be together and they have moved in together. She found out that he is moving soon and doesn’t know what to do. She says that he is starting to act strangely (more aloof) but he isn’t good with communication so she has no idea what he feels. Now she feels like their friendship is breaking and obviously dating is out of the question. She thinks she should stray away and spend less time with him, but I don’t know if that would best. I suggested she spend good quality time with him and be HONEST about she really cares about him while it lasts, but she is afraid of rejection/scaring him and being hurt from the separation.

What do you think?

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14 Answers

KateTheGreat's avatar

If they’re just friends with benefits, tell her to get a vibrator.

Quite frankly, I believe that he doesn’t have the same feelings for this girl as she does for him.

Kokoro's avatar

@KatetheGreat What makes you believe that he doesn’t? I don’t have much info on that side, but If they did both care about each other, would your answer be different? Who knows they are thinking.

KateTheGreat's avatar

@Kokoro Nevermind. I misread the question. I thought she wanted a relationship and he was just moving away. Oops!

mrrich724's avatar

It’s not friends with benefits when you move in with the person.

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

This is what I have learned about “friends with benefits”: most women are not wired for that sort of relationship (despite protestations, I’m sure.) I am okay with that sort of relationship, but that’s because I don’t want children, I’m done with marriage and enjoy my freedom.

You have to be an extremely evolved, mature and a “completely comfortable with yourself” kind of woman….to be involved in a friend with benefits relationship and be okay with it.

The problem I see (my male friend is involved with a woman who agreed to this with him) is that she agreed to this in the hopes that if she hung around long enough, he would change his mind. So, he has basically defined the relationship, but she is crazy about him and agreed to the original tenets, only to do a “bait and switch” after she started sleeping with him. She started hanging around more….brought clothes…started leaving toothbrushes…etc. etc. She also “moved in” (practically) and he is hooked on the sex which of course, she interprets as “love” and that she is reeling him in. But she isn’t. It’s just sex to him.

It is basically a mess at the moment. He just enjoys the sex and she (this is her first relationship after a divorce) is hearing wedding bells.

She should just be honest, “I lied. I don’t know how to do friends with benefits…” And then leave and fall in love with someone who has the same agenda that she does.

Friends with benefits works….but you have to be honest with yourself first.

Kokoro's avatar

@DarlingRhadamanthus Wow, great answer thank you. So it’s not possible that the man feels the same way about her? She should just leave?

everephebe's avatar

They need to talk, or she needs to move on.

everephebe's avatar

Also if he wanted a relationship with her he wouldn’t have kept it “friends with benefits.”

Seaofclouds's avatar

The only way she’ll know is to talk to him. He’s moving anyway, so she might as well go ahead and talk to him about it.

Kardamom's avatar

If they are only friends with benefits and not really a couple, this guy probably doesn’t care about her too much, but if she thinks that maybe he has changed his mind, and may have deeper feelings for her, she should tell him how she feels about him and ask him how he feels about her. But she should be prepared for an unpleasant and painful truth. If he wanted her to be his girlfriend, and not just be FWB, then he would have said so and not made the choice to move out.

Sounds like because he is moving, he probably doesn’t care about her one way or the other, unless he is being forced to move because of an out of town job or the military. Did he say why he is moving out?

I always advice people against getting into the friends with benefits situations. One person always ends up feeling more and that is the person who will get hurt. I’ve never seen FWB work out.

BarnacleBill's avatar

If he wanted more, he wouldn’t be moving away without making plans to move her with him. If it never came up… well, you know the answer.

Kardamom's avatar

@BarnacleBill I wish I could say what you say, in a more succint manner. You are always so wise.

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

@Kokoro….@BarnacleBill is correct…so is @Kardamom.

If he is moving and she is not being consulted, he is not interested in her for the long-term. A man who asks for “friends with benefits” means it. Oprah once said something like: ” a man will tell you early on in the relationship what he wants…but women don’t always listen.” She meant (for example) that a man will say, ” I don’t want to get married ” but women will bypass that comment and continue on as if they hadn’t heard that only to get hurt later on when they won’t commit.

@Kokoro…It’s not that it is “not possible” that he doesn’t feel more for her…anything is possible. But frankly, if he is making plans and not including her…he probably isn’t interested in taking it further.

Tell your friend to read the book: He’s Just Not that Into You by Greg Behrendt.

All the best.

Kokoro's avatar

Thank you everyone for all the input! I will talk with her.

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