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MtnCalling33's avatar

Needless worry about a new guy?

Asked by MtnCalling33 (62points) May 10th, 2011

Well, it happened. That awesome ‘click’, chemistry, romance, intense attraction which equaled a GREAT first date. Yes, we even kissed on the first date (I couldn’t resist) and there were butterflies, fireworks and all that! We were pretty much inseparable for the next 7 nights (he even stayed with me at my house), and would just come back over after work. He cooks and cleans and treats me so well!! Too good to be true??

This past Saturday, I guess all this started to catch up with me and I started feeling a little scared, etc. that I may get hurt. Silly, I know, but we are both recently out of on/off unhealthy relationships. He admitted he was scared too, but we both made promises to not ‘hurt’ the other and NOT get back with our exes ever again. I believe him, she was toxic to him (verbally abusive and addicted to pain meds). And my ex situation was not healthy (he lied, couldn’t communicate and was a marriage-phobe). It was a good talk and we even cried together.

So, anyway, I guess I’m so afraid of getting hurt that I kinda said some things that night to push him away because of my insecurities with it all. He said that he was not letting his past ruin this and we talked and I agreed we should really give it a shot, put a lid of the ‘scared’ and apologized.

So, he stayed that night as well (we had a great day!). Then Monday came…his texts were less frequent and not as ‘cutesy’, and he bought a Harley too! I was so happy for him and wanted to be the first to ride it, etc. He acted a bit hesitant. Then later that night he said that he needs to stay with his parents the rest of the week to get things ready for his weekend with his kids. (yes, he’s been married before too). He’s staying with his folks until he finds a place because he lived with his ex and just needed to get outta her house. She was still sending him mean texts and stuff the first few days we dated and he saw that it worried me, so he blocked her number. He really is a sweet guy.

Anyway, it surprised me because he was basically saying he wouldn’t be able to stay with me again for almost a full week. He could tell something was upsetting me and I told him how I felt and that I wondered if he was having second thoughts about us, if he was scared again, or if things were moving too fast. He said no.

I’m worried that this won’t work because of both our ‘issues’. And it sucks because I haven’t felt this way since high school and we really like each other. Is he one of those ‘hot and cold’ guys that is really just going to break my heart? Am I just way off base with my concerns or is there really something maybe he’s holding back? Or…can I take him at word value that everything is good and he still feels the same about me?

HELP! lol

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32 Answers

King_Pariah's avatar

I hope you can put faith in him, and that he really does have to be apart for a little while so he can drive those last few nails into the coffin of his previous relationship. I’d say to… well, don’t be to pushy nor attention demanding as of now. He may really need all his energy to to complete severing this relationship with his ex. I’m sure you know how taxing toxic relationships can be. I’d say give him his week, week and a half and be there as support for him through what is probably going to be a rough time for him. I hope for your sake he is not one of the hot and cold guys. It does sound like it has gotten off to a great start, and it’d be a pity if he saw you nothing more than something to get off on for a bit.

Remember, he really may want to complete getting away from his ex as soon as possible so he can spend more time with you.

but then again, don’t let your walls down too much until this is all concluded. You never know if he also may be making excuses to get away.

Cruiser's avatar

You are in a classic re-bound scenario and his ex is still very much in his life so be cautious as to how “invested” you get with this guy. Until he gets out of his parents place and in his own house he is still dealing with issues with his ex and you are just a comfort zone for him. My opinion of course!!

Kardamom's avatar

You guys jumped into your new relationship in a very intense manner. It’s too bad that you guys didn’t take it a little bit slower. Meaning that you probably shouldn’t have had him “move in with you” right away. But since you did it that way, you’ll kind of have to take a step back and don’t panic.

Both of you are still very fragile because you were both in bad relationships that ended (or haven’t quite yet ended in his case) just a very short time ago. You guys haven’t had enough time on your own (without dating someone else) to take a breather and do some evaluations of what each of you wants (as separate people). But again, since you’ve already dived in , you will have to do a little bit of back tracking and starting over again, without panicking.

You sound like you kind of don’t believe him when he says he needs to be at his parent’s house to take care of or get ready for his kids. Or maybe it’s just because you crave the intensity of what you had last week. But since he does have a family, and he doesn’t have his own place yet, you really have to step back and let him be a good father, and not let it bother you, and not feel hurt or left out. If you want to be with this fellow, then you have to realize that he is a father first and foremost.

During the week when he’s gone, you should just calm down a little bit, think about what you might want in a mate and whether you think you can be in a relationship with him, knowing that his children must come first. And also realize that he’s not completely done with his ex, if she’s still contacting him (is she the mother of the kids, or does he have an ex wife that is the mother of the kids?) The ex wife, who is likely the mother of the kids will be in his life forever. You need to not only accept that, but embrace that. Don’t ever create any animosity or grief for a new man by getting all pouty and weepy and possessive because he has an ex-wife or kids. Those people are part of his life, forever, and they’ll be a part of your life too if you decide to continue your relationship with him.

It sounds like you guys had a great time together, and he may very well be the one, but at this point, I think you need to cool yourself off a little (I don’t mean act cold, I mean that you have to sit down and not be so hot and heavy) Let him go to his folks’s house and do what he needs to do with his kids. Don’t force him to call or text you during this week. If he calls, be happy, but if he doesn’t don’t fret or get all upset. Be the kind of girlfriend that he can rely upon to be kind and understanding and a real part of his life. Because if you continue with him, these kinds of situations and all of these other people will be a part of your life too.

When the week is over and you guys get to see each other, slow it down a bit. The first thing that should happen is that he should look for a place to live, that is not at your house. You can’t make rational decisions about how a new relationship is going to work, if you jump into the fire, immediately.

Then start “dating.” That means, you go out on a date, but each of you goes home to your own place at night, by yourselves. Then you work up to having each other spend the night. That means that you have to start over again, even though you’ve already jumped into the fire already. Climb back out, cool down and start over.

Have some conversations about what he is going to need to do with regards to his family situation. You have to learn all about how his schedule works, and then you need to decide if you will be able to handle all of that, without making him feel bad or guilty. His kids need to come first, but that doesn’t mean that you can’t be a big part of his life. But it will only work if you have a great respect for his family dynamic and you don’t throw a monkey wrench into the mix. You can’t be his first priority, which is fine, if you’re OK with that. Don’t make him choose between his family and you. Be a part of the bigger picture. You both will have to make conscious and mature compromises for this relationship to work. Are you up for it?

WasCy's avatar

The worry shouldn’t be “about the new guy”, but about how quickly you both think you can shed the remainders of painful and recent history. Too fast. It’s not “him”, it’s “both of you”.

Seaofclouds's avatar

I agree with @Kardamom. You basically had him move in for the week and now you are nervous because he’s not going to be at your place this week. Please, take a step back and look at things again. It’s probably not the best idea to basically have him jump from the ex’s place to your place right away when he’s still healing from that relationship. It sounds like you may have jumped in way to fast and now that things have to back off a bit, you’re nervous. I understand that, but just because he has to be home and not practically living with you doesn’t mean the two of you can’t go on to have a wonderful relationship.

I hope this week goes well overall and you both can take a step back to think about what’s best for each of you and this new relationship. Let him have a good weekend with his kids and whatever you do, please do not try to make him feel bad about not being with you while he is with his kids (not saying you will, just giving you something to think about before you become really worried by the weekend). Good luck!

MtnCalling33's avatar

@ Kardamom. No, the mom of the kids and he have been divorced for 5 years. The crazy ex mentioned is the one he lived with recently. They were together like 1½ years, same amount of time as my ex and I.

lemming's avatar

I really don’t see the problem here, you have no worse a past than most people, as long as you’re ok with him having kids with another woman. He can’t be lovey lovey all time, that would be exhausting.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Have either one of you ever taken enough intentional time off from relationships to get to know yourselves well enough that codependent temptations are completely overcome so that having an SO is truly a blessing rather than a necessity?

Kardamom's avatar

@MtnCalling33 Oh OK. Then you still need to give your new guy the time and space to get over the crazy ex. Even though he may not love her (or maybe he does a little bit still, who knows) he is still fresh out of that relationship and people tend to relate to relationships in which they’ve been in. Since the crazy ex is still trying to contact him, she’s definitely not over him nor has she moved on. You may have to put up with the fact that his “old” relationship is not quite finished yet. Don’t push him to “put her in her place” or anything like that.

And again, you and this new guy, kind of need to start over and tone it down a little bit. No more sleep-overs for awhile. I’d give it several months of no sleep-overs. That way you can get used to him not being all hot and heavy with you 24/7. And he can hopefully get past the old relationship. And that should give him time to move into his own place. Even if he suggests moving in with you, instead of getting his own place, don’t do that. It’s way too early for that and could really jeopardize your new romance. Get to know each other slowly and surely.

But do try to think long and hard if you are able and willing to be involved with someone who has kids and an ex-wife. Because those people are not ever going to be in the past. Those people are going to be part of your life too.

People make it work all the time, but you have to realize that the kids must come first. But you can be a great friend and girlfriend by not only realizing this, but by asking him what he thinks and respecting that. There has to be a good balance. If you become whiny or demanding or possessive, it’s not going to work. If you look at the situation for how it really is and you are able to be calm and supportive and cooperative (not only with him, but with the kids and the ex-wife who will have a big say in what goes on with the kids) you can be a great asset to him.

A divorced man with a lot of irons in the fire will not be able to give you 100% of his un-divided attention and you have to be OK with that for this new relationship to work.

Let us know what you think. : )

Hibernate's avatar

WELL SINCE it’s the beginning you need some time to adjust to each other.
Not to mention that time will tell about the rest.

[ sorry for caps ]

MtnCalling33's avatar

Thanks everyone. And karamom, to let you know what I think…I am SCARED sh*tless of this guy. I already feel that he has the power to really hurt me as I’m last still hurt from the last BF. I actually would of felt better if he still wanted to be intense because then, at least I’d know. It’s like he is going through this phase of doing what makes him happy now. The ex was controlling and he never got to be himself. His best friend was telling me that. But I did tell him that he doesn’t need to stay at my house EVERY night (defense mechanism) and joked that I didn’t miss him, when he asked. And he still isn’t being, like, ignoring me or anything. It’s just different and like someone said, YES…it makes me nervous. Nervous to put energy and love into something that will just crumble what’s left of my heart from the last one! lol

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Maybe you need a couple of more crumbling heartbreaks like that. Might be the only way to convince you that it’s not the end of the world.

“I already feel that he has the power to really hurt me as I’m last still hurt from the last BF.”

Stop looking for the right person. Start becoming the right person.

MtnCalling33's avatar

RealEyes, thanks for that. I love it.

blueiiznh's avatar

If it is meant to be, it will be.
Enjoy the feelings. Try to not overthing and worry.
Respect him and yourself and remember that you are at the beginning. It will take time and if it has legs, then that is awesome.
It sounds like you have had some open and honest conversations and that is a good sign.
Give him space and ensure you also have some of your own.
You deserve the best. You will know what is right, Try not to overthing.
Enjoy the ride!

dabbler's avatar

Of course he has the power to hurt you, to the extent you have opened your feelings to him. It totally goes with the territory. Taking it easy with being vulnerable is distinct from pushing him away. If you two have potential for a substantial thing it will find all kinds of ways for you to share in harmless ways. As you both grow to trust yourselves with each other, opening up won’t be the same hazard it is today without some depth of shared respect from getting to know each other. Also, along with your hurt may be a lot of want, be careful to avoid projecting too much into a little bit of sympatico.

BarnacleBill's avatar

You sound like you’re rushing things. He sounds like he’s slowing down. You need to slow down, too.

MtnCalling33's avatar

What do you all think about me just giving all ‘concerns’ to the wind? And just doing whatever I want? Like, if I feel like texting him that I am thinking about him, saying hi, etc… And not holding back anything? Just going for it? Wearing my heart on my sleeve? Total vulnerability…act like I’ve never been hurt before?

Or will that just hurt more? Or will it bring the ‘hurt’ faster, if he’s not interested?

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Human nature 101:

People want what they cannot have.

pretty simple math

BarnacleBill's avatar

Don’t be annoying. Guys still like to do some of the chasing. Do you have any interests of your own, outside of dating? Concentrate on those, so when he does call or text you have something to talk about besides the relationship or people.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

^^^best answer ever^^^

MtnCalling33's avatar

Ok. I’m done dating. I can’t handle all the games anymore…

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

Ya know… you don’t have to be so extremely hot one second and extremely cold the next. There is a middle ground. And men appreciate a woman with balance.

His respect and desire for you would skyrocket if you’d just tell him that you’re ready to explore life and discover yourself as an individual. Waiting for him to contact you would reinforce that.

He’ll think “Hmmm, I wonder why she hasn’t called. Maybe I’ll check on her and feed my ego.”

When he does call, (and he will) try and have a good explanation that you’ve been doing something other than obsessing over him. Have you thought about going out on your own and spending time with yourself? Check out a history museum, or an art gallery.

Then you’ll have something to tell him about that didn’t involve him, and he’ll wonder, “Hmmm, I wonder why she didn’t call me for that”?

Then, and only then will it sink in that you are a healthy happy whole person without him. And that will be an attraction that he cannot resist.

Hibernate's avatar

@MtnCalling33 you give up so fast… Don’t you have a fire burning in you ? a desire for love ?

Seaofclouds's avatar

@MtnCalling33 I’m curious, what games? Did something happen? From what you told us, I didn’t see him playing any games. He simply said he needs to be at his house (which happens to be living with his parents right now while he gets things settled from his last relationship) this week and can’t be at yours every night. That’s not a game, that’s him taking care of his responsibilities and doing what he needs to do to prepare for a weekend with his children.

As far as calling/texting at a whim, sure, but you do want to make sure you don’t become overbearing, otherwise you could push him away. Good luck.

dabbler's avatar

Moderation, grasshopper, ease into it.

BarnacleBill's avatar

@MtnCalling33, don’t give up. You just have to realize that you’re dating a person, not a “relationship”. Sometimes when you meet someone, the newness of the person becomes overwheming and infatuation blinds your common sense and sets up false expectations. As you move closer to 35, or past it, the people you are going to date have baggage. People give you important clues about themselves when they tell you what’s in their suitcase. It’s less important that they tell you why something’s in there as it is that it’s in there. Once you move past high school and your early 20’s, you really have to look at what people are carrying and why they’re still carrying it.

For example, this guy has been married, has kids, was living with his girlfriend in her place, and is now living with his parents. If he’s been at his parents for a month, because he just moved out, then it’s too soon for a relationship with you, and you’re maybe Rebound Sex, the woman to help him get over his ex. It may not be about an actual relationship with you. If he’s been there more than a month or two, he may have money management issues. It’s different than living with your parents because they are aging/have health issues and you’re moved back in to take care of them, or you’ve been out of work for a year and it makes financial sense to live with family so you can make child support payments.

He has standing responsibilities – children, job, to his parents, since he’s living with them. That makes a new relationship come in 4th place. Sometimes incompatibility in relationships comes in the form of how each person feels about prioritization. If you think you should be at the top of the list after him just meeting you, then perhaps you are both in different places.

Kardamom's avatar

@BarnacleBill Bravo for that answer!

Kardamom's avatar

@MtnCalling33 Ease into things, learn about the new person’s life (responsibilites, desires, talents, weaknesses)

Be your own person with your own interests and desires and strengths.

Don’t assume that your self worth is measured by a relationship with another person ever! Your self worth is determined by what kind of person you are (with or without a mate) Are you good and kind and smart and mature? Do you try to do your best, in the face of adversity? Do you try to ease other’s pain and suffering? Do you look before you leap?

Be calm, considerate, tender, loving (but not obsessesive or desperate, or needy). Think about what you want and need in a relationship, then move slowly and deliberately towards that. Don’t ever rush into things or feel like if you don’t give it all or nothing that your relationship is doomed from the start. That just reeks of desperation. Be sensible and joyful and gracious and mature. This guy may or may not be “the one” but you still have to go into any potential relationship with your eyes wide open and your heart ready to accept love, but keep your heart protected too, don’t throw it at him.

MtnCalling33's avatar

Thanks again everyone. By games I meant the not telling him I miss him, etc. and contacting him whenever I want type of thing, and instead doing the NOT texting or anything until I hear from him…which is exactly what I ended up doing today. And when he did (just to say hi), I ‘played the game’ and waited an hour before I texted back and kept it simple saying I was having a good, but busy day at work. He texted a few more times throughout the day and later said he wanted to talk.

So…we had a good talk! I told him that we were silly to practically move in together after 1 date and although it was a GREAT week and a huge comfort to us both, that I wanted to get to know him better. I said that I’d treat him so good it’d blow him away, but I need mutual respect. he explained why he was more distance the last couple of days saying he’s scared shitless and doesn’t know what to do. I asked if he just wants to be friend and he said no. So i told him just what was on my mind…that I really like him, want to get to know him/date him and spend time with him, but I DON“T want him to move in yet! We sorta giggled at that. Then I told him that he can trust me, I won’t hurt him or lie or cheat.

He was so relieved (I could tell) and so am I!! We are going to date, and not date other people, but we both would feel comfortable with the occasional sleepover (I joked about a 2 night maximun though), lol. We just hold each other all night and I don’t care if it’s wrong to use it as a comfort to get over my ex (or his). I just want to hold back, but not too much, ya know?

Ugh….wish me luck!!? Er, um, wish US luck?

Kardamom's avatar

Yea! Sounds like you were able to take a deep breath, talk to him and start over in a more slow and deliberate manner. Good luck to you : )

Hibernate's avatar

The ” he gotta contact me first and I’ll reply when i’ll feel like it” and ” I have to play the hard to get ” games won’t do you any good. If you feel like saying HI 20 times per day then do it. Ask him if he’ll be bothered by this [ not just once but a few times ]. Indeed he can be suffocated but some of us like that [ I sure do love it for a few weeks / months ] When I need my time I just get unreachable [ but saying that i’ll be before going unreachable ]

Trust won’t build up ton fast unless there are somewhat important circumstances [ like saving his life in a critic situation ] but I’m not suggesting anything here.

Good luck to both of you.

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