General Question

ejl79's avatar

Have feelings for friend who is a recovering sex addict and struggling with recent break up. How should I proceed?

Asked by ejl79 (75points) May 13th, 2011

I recently (1 month ago) started to get to know a guy from my church through mutual friends. We really hit it off and would talk for hours and hours. We have so much in common and we just really enjoy each other so much. There had been comments along the way of flirting, and naturally I started to have feelings for him.

We had gotten together in group settings to go out and always have a great time. So much fun. Once a week, we get together for lunch with a friend, but sometimes its just the 2 of us.

Well, a few days ago, I admitted that I had begun thinking of him romantically. He was flattered and thinks I am amazing as well. BUT he is coming out of a recent breakup (3 months ago) with a girl he intended to marry. He said he’d really done some stuff that hurt her. So because of that and “other things” he is just not interested in pursuing anyone right now. And that he hoped we could still be friends and not have any awkwardness.

I saw him a few hours later at an event at church and he didn’t avoid me at all. We were as comfortable as always with each other and sat next to each other during worship. That was really special to worship with him. We both love God so much and want to do right by Him. We each went home and went online and ended up having an incredible talk. We shared our very personal life stories.

During this long talk, he trusted me with a very big struggle of his. He is a recovering sex addict. He goes to a group weekly and he says he is doing very well. But that is why he doesn’t want to be in a relationship at all right now.

Knowing this definitely made me think—and I have been doing research about what he is dealing with and what partners of sex addicts face. I understand the risks, but in the end, I still have feelings for him. And if he continues this group therapy that is helping him, I would definitely still be interested in having a relationship with him.

But I know and understand without a shadow of any doubt, that right now he needs to be single, and I completely support him on that. What I don’t want, though, is for him to consider me only a friend after many months of me just being a friend for him.

At the same time, I don’t want to be flirtatious and give him any difficulties in his recovery process.

How would you recommend I proceed with him?

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42 Answers

Coloma's avatar

You sound sincere…keep that attitude!
If this person is truly in a recovery process and committed to such, they will be healthy ‘enough’ to know that getting involved again in a romantic/sexual way is not healthy or conducive to their growth and recovery journey.

If YOU truly care for this person aside from your own agenda, then I suggest you do NOTHING to enable their addiction to resurface in your ‘relationship’ at this time.

Let them decide when/IF they might be interested in you in other than a strictly platonic manner.

Sex/relationship addicts are notorious for rebound relationships to mitigate their inner pain. Why would you wish to be the tempting force in such a serious healing journey?

I would offer nothing but healthy support and I would not even entertain any otherwise thoughts until a good amount of time has gone by and this person is feeling strong and healthy again.

You should KNOW that this is a VERY fragile time for someone who is trying to make healthy changes in their life.

You should not ‘prey’ on this persons time of weakness and confusion.

BarnacleBill's avatar

Keep in mind that your value to him as a platonic friend is far greater than as a romantic interest. He’s not interested in you romantically not only because he’s in recovery but because he’s 3 months out of a relationship with someone that he intended to marry. As a rule of thumb, it can take up to 6 months to really get over someone for every year that they were in a relationship.

This guy is telling you that he has nothing to give a romantic relationship now, and perhaps ever. If you can’t handle that, you need to distance yourself.

Blueroses's avatar

Well. Right now you have a friend who:
1) shares your beliefs
2) likes your company
3) trusts you with sensitive information

You can’t help if you have stronger feelings than that for him, but you can avoid acting on them if you truly care about his recovery and enjoy the fact that you do have a special place in his life – even if it isn’t exactly what you might wish for.

wundayatta's avatar

What @Coloma wrote is right on target. Sex addicts need to abstain from relationships until they are healthy enough to have healthy relationships. There’s no telling when this might happen, nor how many times they may fall off the wagon.

This is also not an issue where anyone can save the addict. In fact “saving” does just the opposite—it hurts the recovery. This is because what is missing in most sex addicts lives is a complete sense of self. There’s a hole in their centers and they try to fill it with sex or relationships. Anything that can give a momentary release from the pain of being nothing and nobody.

Sex gives that kind of high. Naturally. You feel so good. On top of the world. People like you. The more people, the more you are liked. But it’s all based on a very weak foundation. The moment people stop being attracted to you, you get desperate and then you crash. Or even if people are still there having sex with you, you wonder what’s wrong with you that they never stay with you.

There are so many traps for sex addicts. So many dead ends. It’s a maze that keeps turning back on itself, like something from Alice in Wonderland.

It can take years to work the steps.

So don’t think you can save him. Only he can save himself. A relationship with you could set him back a lot.

Of course, not everyone believes there is such a thing as sex addiction. I think that what kinds of behaviors he engaged in that he thinks are addictive are pretty important. I think that it is possible to change your behavior without going through the program.

But it doesn’t matter what I think. The most important thing is what he thinks. Have you asked him what he want from you as a friend? Have you asked him how he feels knowing you have romantic feelings for him? Have you asked him if he thinks he can cope with you as a friend, knowing that he will have that temptation in a low moment?

Don’t ask us how to proceed. We don’t know you or him. Ask him how to proceed. That’s your best chance.

ejl79's avatar

I would never want to jeopardize his recovery. I would rather be his friend for the rest of my life than to ever do him harm.

Please don’t misunderstand, his well-being is my #1 priority. I have never known anyone with this problem, and I really truly do not know how to proceed. I do understand the fragility of this time for him. And I WILL NOT endanger that time for him. He means the world to me.

I really appreciate your responses. Thank you.

mazingerz88's avatar

My recommendation would be hard to follow and you may dismiss it and that is fine since the decision is all yours and should be respected. But my gut is really telling me to suggest to you to just be a friend right now and maybe in the next six months or so just continue to be that, a platonic friend. And while you are developing this friendship with him it may be best if you do not shut yourself in totally from other people who may deserve the formation and attention of your affections.

I can only cite the experience of a close friend of mine who after suffering from a tumultuous relationship met a woman in church fellowship. The woman who was having problems herself fell for him as well and they got married in 3 months after that initial meeting. After merely three years that union broke down as well. Best to keep not only your heart open but your well discerning mind as well.

suzanna28's avatar

stay away from her until you have absolutely 0 doubts about her.

A person like that has alot of emotional baggage.

Just be cautious .. very cautious.

And analyse whether the reason you are having feeling for her is logical or just based on physical attraction and superficial qualities.

marinelife's avatar

You are nuts to even consider having a relationship with this person. Not only that, but he has told you in no uncertain terms that he is not interested in having a relationship with you.

You are setting yourself up for heartache.

ejl79's avatar

I understood him to mean that a relationship with ANYONE was just not possible right now. I didn’t feel it was a rejection of me personally.

I understand why I may be perceived as ‘nuts’ for even considering him after what he shared with me. But all I can say in response to that is that I’ve never felt closer to any other person. I feel like we were made to connect to each other in some way—like puzzle pieces, its just I don’t know what the bigger picture is yet.

What I feel in my heart is deeper than friendship or physical attraction. But I will not put my own feelings ahead of his needs.

geeky_mama's avatar

FWIW, you sound as if you’re describing a man I know.
Except, the wonderful Christian man I know actually WAS married and had two children..and was a sex addict.

As friends we didn’t get the full sordid story behind their divorce, just bits and pieces – but the story that still bothers me (that we learned first hand from him, verified by his wife at the time) is the time that his wife was at a MOPS event (Mother’s Of Pre-Schoolers, a program through their church) and he was home watching the kids…and he put the two (young) kids to bed and paid to have 2 women come have sex with him. At his home. Where his two kids were upstairs.

Apparently this wasn’t the first time, and apparently there was considerable financial stress involved, too..because he was spending money they needed to pay for essentials on sex with strangers.

If you met him, prayed with him, talked with him, worshiped with would never guess he was capable of such a thing. He is a wonderful, warm and caring man..and as far as my husband and I could tell he seemed like a wonderful dad, too. We were friends with the couple for a couple of years and I never would have guessed he had this struggle.

His wife was heartbroken when they divorced—she still loved him and cared for him and as they were both Christian she really had strong feelings against divorce. They were both raised that ‘marriage is till death do you part’...but in the end she chose to keep her children safe and move home to her parents house with the kids..because having strange women (and sometimes their pimps) in her home was not safe for her kids.
Because the women he was picking up in bars and taking to hotels for sex meant he was taking money away from paying for basic needs and bills and she couldn’t live with that.. the inability to buy her daughter shoes because he’d spent the money having sex.

Not to mention the infidelity, betrayal and health (what if he gave her an STD?) implications.

I know you’ll see this and think: “Well, that was THAT guy..that doesn’t mean that this wonderful man I have a connection with would be anything like that.”

Then stop and think: He found a woman he wanted to marry and he caused the relationship to end because he hurt her. If not for his inability to be faithful (due to whatever cause) he’d be married and unavailable to you now. Right?

Now imagine yourself 9 months pregnant and not-in-the-mood and married to this guy. Do you want to have to worry about whether he’s having a lapse in fighting his addiction while you’re heavily pregnant and perhaps not at your most attractive at that moment?

Or..would you rather be with a guy that you’d never have to question his faithfulness? That you’d never worry about what he’s doing in a hotel room in another city on a business trip? That you’d be able to trust without any reservation if he found himself waiting for you in a bar at a restaurant if some woman hit on him and didn’t notice his wedding band?

ejl79's avatar

@Geeky_mama: Thank you for sharing that story. That would be my worst fear. I wonder though, should he go through the whole recovery program…if he can ever truly be cured of this addiction. Definitely some food for thought. I agree.

I’m trying very hard to make the right decisions: What’s best for him, and what’s best for me.

I will not ‘run’. I will be his very dear friend. I imagine how precious it must be for him to open up to someone with his biggest shames and have them truly care for your well being.

I won’t take that away from him.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

@ejl79: There is no cure for compulsives, there is diligence, maintenance, struggle and constant change. My suggestion to run isn’t PC, it’s not how to be a friend but how not to become someone’s crutch, taken advantage of and broken hearted in a romantic sense. Be a friend but a strictly platonic one. Keep in mind sharing intimate details doesn’t equal love blossoming between you two.

6rant6's avatar

You should turn your romantic attention elsewhere. For his sake, and yours.

ejl79's avatar

@Neizvestnaya Thank you, I do agree. I feel like I have a lot of learning to do about this addiction, and I need to probably talk to him directly about his specific problems. I understand that there are different kinds of sexual addiction. Not sure if he is compulsive. In any case, I cannot handle being a crutch. I will definitely be on guard against that. But so far he has been very cautious about putting himself in tempting situations. Soon after I met him he set a boundary: That he is not even spending 1 on 1 time with females for the time being. Of course, now I understand why…but that confused me then. I am so proud of him for A) Loving his ex enough to set her free. He knew his problem and he knew he would not be able to change while with her. And he didn’t want to hurt her any more than he has B) For being man enough to admit he needs help and committing himself to the step program and C) For being so diligent in keeping safe boundaries. I have so much respect for him. And just like poing A that I made above, I think the greatest and most loving thing I can do for him is not pursue him. Set him free in the romantic sense. What he needs and wants is support.

@6rant6: I am starting to see that. I don’t feel it yet, but I think in my heart of hearts I know it is best for both of us. And that is all I want. We both deserve it.

wundayatta's avatar

If you want a man who will be faithful, I’m not sure I would trust a man who attends a sex addiction program. It might help some, but I don’t believe the need for something to help you feel good about yourself will ever go away, and I don’t know if a wife can help you with that.

If you love a man with a sex addiction, and you want to be with him, I would resign myself to having these things happen again, and I would accept him for better or worse. Otherwise don’t marry him. This is advice for everyone who is in love with a man who has a problem getting the sex or love he needs.

jbrussell44's avatar

Are you totally crazy? My god woman, you have no idea what you are getting into. Check out my website that helps women who are involved with a Sex Addict and see the pain you are in for.

They are masters of con and very charming—until you find out that he is lying and cheating on you. I guarantee it.

jbrussell44's avatar

“Please don’t misunderstand, his well-being is my #1 priority.”

YOUR well being should always be YOUR #1 PRIORITY. Anything else is not healthy.

ejl79's avatar

@jbrussell44 Thank you for your reference to your website. I am definitely in need of education regarding this addiction.

I am not crazy, however. I have feelings for him that developed before I found any of this out, by his own honest admission. I have the feelings, but I am not going to act upon them. For both of our sakes. Maybe my romantic feelings will fade over time. Right now they are there, but like I said, I’m decidedly not going to go there with him.

But I am still torn, admittedly, about whether or not it is possible for someone to be recovered and once again enter a healthy relationship again someday (whether with me or someone else). I just hesitate to believe that they are all the same in every case. But, I do understand what you’re sharing with me. Its just hard for me to get a handle on it yet. Its hard for me to look at anyone and assume they will fail. It doesn’t seem like a fair assumption. Everybody deserves to have support and have people who have faith in them.

I will take a look at your website, and any others people can reccommend that may educate me further.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

@ejl79: Everybody deserves to have support and have people who have faith in them.

Yes, this is true but in context. You can support your friend by remaining platonic which is fair to them and the most fair and safe for you. You can have faith in them that they’ll want to work on themselves but faith doesn’t equal believing they will ever become wired in the brain differently.

jbrussell44's avatar

It’s just a little troubling to hear you talk about all these things that he deserves without thinking of what you deserve. It sounds as if you have bought into his story of being the underdog—the misunderstood one. This entire relationship is just strange. First, and most importantly, new ‘friends’, as you and he are, especially male/female friends, do not discuss their sex lives in detail. This is a giant red flag. Sex Addicts tend to take a relationship to a very close and personal level very quickly. He has you feeling as if you are special and has drawn you into this very complex disease that he should be working on himself.

When spouses or partners discover that Sex Addiction has destroyed their relationship the first thing the counselors will say is that the addict must take full responsibility for their actions (this means more than just ‘words’ it means going to therapy, changing your lifestyle, making amends, etc.) and that the partner must not do anything to enable the Sex Addict by trying to control or ‘work with them’ on their recovery or by being overly ‘nurturing’ toward them.

Sex Addicts suffer from an arrested emotional development and are constantly seeking a mother figure to love them ‘unconditionally’. There is no such thing—unless we have no personal boundaries.

I have over seven years of experience in working with spouses and partners of Sex Addicts and I can say without a doubt that his behavior is very typical of a Sex Addict. He is drawing you into his problems in very manipulative ways and is making you feel somehow ‘special’ as if you are the ‘only one’ who can make him whole.

This is not a healthy relationship, and, even as platonic friends, you should not be involved in his recovery. Friendships do not involve one person taking and the other giving. What is he giving you? He is not the only ‘kind and sensitive’ person out there, and most do not have the major issues that this man has.

Tell him to get a counselor

codieblue's avatar

Oh honey honey… You said that you’re not running? As a woman who loves God, I imagine that you feel that that would be a cruel thing to do. After, all, you’re just friends and a friend wouldn’t do that, right?

I don’t care what you call it… sex addiction, OCD, “intimacy disorder”, this man has severe issues and the kindest thing he’s done is to TELL YOU SO.

If you choose to stay, the guarantee is 100% positive for much heartbreak, down the road… He WILL cheat on you and worse… Sure, he’s charming now… he has targeted you, and when he knows that he has you but good, that is when the “fun” begins.

Is he doing it intentionally? Well… does a mosquito intend to hurt when it sucks your blood? NO, it is just doing what mosquitoes naturally do.

Sexual predators are ALWAYS, charming, nice, friendly, funny, adorable men—- that IS, until they aren’t. Part of their brain does not work and no amount of counseling, therapy, 12-step programs or the undying love of a devoted, caring woman can help. As a matter of fact, he will begin to loathe you for your love and your caring and will deal with that accordingly, but on occasion, he will throw a crumb of affection your way, just to keep you off-balance.

But sure… go ahead… You most likely won’t believe me, because in God’s eyes, all creatures are the same…

I can assure you that they are not.

But… you DID reach out, because there is that voice in your head which knows… You aren’t listening to it (right now), but it knows—- Listen to it, for that is God… and if you don’t believe God… go have coffee with his ex…

She’ll be able to fill you in on the details

codieblue's avatar

of what he did to “hurt her.”

Oh… and more than likely… he’s already in some sort of “relationship”...

I’m really sorry that the news isn’t better.



codieblue's avatar

“I imagine how precious it must be for him to open up to someone with his biggest shames and have them truly care for your well being.”

Oh honey… still reading all of the responses… This is part of his CON game that he plays. It is not precious for him. You are supposing that the “playing field” is even and that he is coming to the table with his entire mind working properly. It is NOT working properly. If he feels “shame” it is only because someone dumped on him. He feels little if any real remorse because he is simply incapable of this.

Please read up about cluster B personality disorders, particularly narcissistic personality disorder and anti-social personality disorder. And YES, these dudes very often go to church and “love” God.

They are not capable of any kind of real “love” for they do not know this emotion. They have seen it in a movie or read it in a book or magazine, but for them, they do not feel it. They may even put on a great show that they feel it, but they do not.

Alright, I’ve said my peace. I wish you nothing but the best and hope that God will spare you the kind of pain that many others before you have gone through. That is the only reason why we are here warning you…

My best,


wundayatta's avatar

@codieblue How do you know what goes on in the heads of these men?

codieblue's avatar

Sadly, I have been deeply involved with two sex addicts/narcissists/sociopaths and then have researched at length to understand—I have also had years and years of therapy and my mother is a psycho therapist and I’ve heard the stories from countless women who’ve been through the same exact thing. I experienced the exact same feelings that this woman is experiencing. It was a “love for the ages”... meant to be… spiritual… soul-mates… meant for each other… It is all part of the CON. They are users, at best and will take your very soul for their own, since they have none.

These men follow similar and predictable patterns of behavior. And the reality is that even HE might not know what is going on in his head. They lie, deny, minimize, spin and often torture and abuse their victims. They often will portend to be the “injured party” but that is just not true. They prey on this type of women who is vulnerable and ever “at the ready”...

Here is a good article which explains all of this in further detail

Godspeed! and love

wundayatta's avatar

If I were you, I’d go to a few SLAA (sex and love addicts anonymous) meetings before I believed these blanket statements about sociopaths and narcissists. Observe the people there (both men and women) and share your story if you feel like it. Use your own eyes and ears and make your own decisions.

codieblue's avatar

naaahhh… just have coffee with his ex… but yes, I agree that she needs support and most likely counseling. :)

6rant6's avatar


“psycho therapist”

Love it.

codieblue's avatar

Look, the part that troubles me is her “feelings” for someone she doesn’t really know very well. Hearing from a man that he “hurt his fiance” is a massive red flag and cause for grave concern.

I have found myself “falling in love” with minimal information as well… and once sucked in, it is very difficult to extricate oneself.

But of course, she must form her own opinions, but it appears that her judgment is clouded by fantasy of who she thinks he really is…

“That was really special to worship with him. We both love God so much and want to do right by Him. We each went home and went online and ended up having an incredible talk. We shared our very personal life stories.”

She’s infatuated with this dude…and that is all it is, however, he’s a dangerous and abusive man. He already told her so.

What other information does she need to have to know that he is not a good bet?

The other thing is that a man in love does not tell a woman that he doesn’t want a relationship… no matter what.

Its a one-sided potentially devastating disaster… and for that I feel very badly for her—very much so.

6rant6's avatar

Entirely possible that ”... so I let her go…” means he decided to honor the court order.

ejl79's avatar

Wow a lot to respond to. @codieblue, @wundayatta, @6rant6—I feel a bit of clarification is once again neccessary. YES I have feelings for him. Infatuation may also be accurate, admittedly. But NO I am not acting upon these feelings. I am not even flirting anymore. Our “relationship” is entirely friendship and always has been. We talk about our days, our faith and our interests. There is no big romance happening nor do we discuss sex in detail. The only discussions we have had about sex were in the form of discussing our past.

Also, I do know his ex-girlfriend. There is not a court order. We were all out dancing with a lot of mutual friends. All 3 of us plus several more. She had no problem being around him. She even went up to him when she was saying goodbyes for the night. I also saw her yesterday at a game night at a friends house. And she is intending on going to a party in the near future that he is going to also. They are not dating now, and they will not date again, but she has no problem being around him.

I am not in love, and he is not in love. I only have feelings for him. He told me his problem, and his intention of only friendship with women, I thanked him for his honesty, and now I am simply dealing with my own feelings towards him and the problem at hand. He is not leading me on. He has been clear of his intentions. I am not without feelings for him yet, but time can heal many things.

And mostly my feelings are torn over listening to people condemn him to failure despite his very sincere effort to recover. I understand that there are many cases of failure… but really?? No success stories? He is getting counselling, he has approached his family as well as his ex girlfriends family to reveal his problem to them. He has set strict boundaries for himself so that he is not in any tempting situations. I see him making all these very honorable efforts to better himself… I am just not able to see failure so prematurely.

I really do appreciate everybodys perspectives and directives towards more information because I really do want to learn and arm myself with knowledge. Please forgive me for seeming resistant to some pieces of information. This is so so hard for me to wrap my head around.

I don’t know if I am right or wrong in my wanting to believe so strongly he can recover successfully, but as I wait to see what happens, I am only his friend. But I do believe in him so much. I can’t bring myself to believe THIS is all he was created to be.

6rant6's avatar

Certainly, caring about each other is to be encouraged. I guess it’s the particulars here that raise red flags. I’m gathering you are demographically compatible – age, sex, orientation. That means that the unspoken (or spoken) potential will always be in the room – which is not helpful for him. You wrote, “I would definitely still be interested in having a relationship with him.” So you plan to hang around and wait and see if he hits on you? That’s like putting a steak on the floor to test your dog’s training. What if he goes for it? Do you let him have what he wants, or smack his snout? Neither good.

I also see your desire to clarify so precisely the limit of your feelings for him as a little “protesting too much.” He has a long road to travel. By himself.

Nothing says you can’t connect two years from now – if and when he’s actually got the stone rolled up the mountain. But for now, if you hang around this guy, you’re spoiling for heartache. Or possibly heartaches.

codieblue's avatar

Well honey… Some sex addicts become govenor of the state of California or New York or president of the United States or even a foreign money managing minister who’s now sitting in Ryker’s island.

Sex addicts come in all walks of life and some are very successful, wealthy and powerful and some are dirt poor. They are usually expert at compartmentalizing their lives and so it is usually not ALL they were created to be or ARE, but it is an aspect of their psyche which is usually impossible to “fix”.

Let me ask you… What were you created to be? What does God have planned for you? You seem to be bright and sensitive, caring and giving… Where do you see YOURSELF in five, ten, fifteen years? What are your feelings for YOU? I hear that you have feelings for this man, but i’m not hearing that you have those same feelings for yourself. Do you think that this is the best you can do? 6rant6 has made some excellent points, as well… What IF, he came onto you? He might… and since you have “feelings” are you going to refuse him? unlikely, right? And then what??? I believe that you have made him into something that he is not, because he is only letting you see what he wants you to see. If I were a bettin woman, I would put my money on that one.

As for recovery rates. There is NO cure for sex addiction. Recovery means sexual sobriety and for most men this is an impossible state to achieve and/or they become “sexual anorexics” which is something that sounds like what it is… They don’t have any sex at all.

A man can abstain from ALL sex and STILL be a sex addict. They are not mutually exclusive conditions. He can also be sexual with OTHER women and not sexual with his primary partner… All are forms of sexual anorexia which is the flip side of the same disorder.

Statistically, about 5% of SAs reach some kind of sexual sobriety… and sure your friend could be in the 5%. I certainly hope so.

But let me ask you this question. Suppose there was a bungee cord and it had been repaired and you were then given that repaired bungee cord to go bungee jumping down a 500 ft. drop, but you were told that you had a 95% chance that THIS bungee cord would fail if you used it…

What would you do? Would you still have faith in that bungee cord? Doesn’t it deserve a chance to prove itself? Yes, your friend is a “human”... but the damage to his brain is exactly like that repaired bungee cord. You can’t repair something that isn’t there, to begin with!!!

There is too much in this story that has lead me to believe that he is not in the 5%. Sex addicts are experts at HIDING who they really are. They will be what they think you want them to be and do what they think you want them to do… for now, that is… We’ve all been there, honey… that is how we know.

In any case. He does not need you and all of the love and support and caring and praying isn’t going to make one iota of difference. This is HIS journey and his journey, alone.

I wish you nothing but the best… L (codieblue)

ejl79's avatar

Wow. I have had a little breakthrough. @jbrussell44 , @codieblue , @6rant6

jbrussell44 mentioned this before, and I didn’t stop to consider. And codieblue just said it again. And now a good friend of mine (who is also a psychotherapist by profession) posted a note on his facebook page regarding a situation he is facing. POINT IS—- I don’t think I DO love myself as much as I love others. Everybody is always put first. I really see I need to deal with this. And this could be a gamechanger.

codieblue, I loved your bungee cord analogy. It really struck a cord with me ;) lol sorry, I couldn’t resist the pun. I don’t like it, but it makes sense. I would never put my faith in a bungee cord that has 95% chance of breaking. AAAggggh, but at the same time here I am caring so much about him that I don’t want him to fail.

6rant6 Sorry friend, I don’t mean to sound too “protesty”... I only just want to make sure everyone understands I am not drooling and ready to pounce on this guy. I just felt like people were painting an extremely lovesick picture where I would do anything to be with him right this second. I am not hanging around for the purpose of waiting for him to hit on me. I am only hanging around because he is my friend and I care a lot about him as a person. However, If he came to me and said he thinks he is better and would like to try dating…. It would be hard for me to say no. But I very certainly would say no right now. After a year or two more of him being in counselling and being sober…??? I would be tempted…maybe. I would want to be involved in counselling with him for sure right away…perhaps even as a precursor to taking that step. I don’t know. I’m not waiting around to see if he will be interested one day. I am going to romantically move on with my life should somebody else come into the picture. But he will continue to be a friend of mine. We are good friends.

Thanks again, everybody. It is nice to have an anonymous forum to present this situation to. I haven’t really known where to go. I’m glad I found this website :)

This has all just been a whirlwind of a situation to come into my life and it has really raised some excellent “what would you do” questions. Never thought I would have to ask myself these questions. And I always thought that the anwsers to such questions would be simple for me to produce. Unfortunately, logic and the heart do not work well together sometimes.

codieblue's avatar

“Unfortunately, logic and the heart do not work well together sometimes.”


6rant6's avatar

“However, If he came to me and said he thinks he is better and would like to try dating…. It would be hard for me to say no. ”

I’d say the ship has already sailed. You’ve chosen your prom date; you’re just waiting for him to offer the corsage.

codieblue's avatar

Yes, I agree with you 6rant6 as sex addicts LIE, minimize, deny, twist, and then LIE some more. He is years and years away from being able to make this statement if he ever even will be. Because 95% won’t EVER be able to and keep that promise and of the 5% that are, it takes years and years and years and even then, they almost always have slips and life is NEVER ever going to be normal. They cannot go to R-rated movies or to the beach or EVER look at a woman for more than THREE seconds.

Most have severe personality disorders and even IF they can cure the addiction, they are still sick, and many have co-morbid addictions such as alcoholism, drug abuse, gambling, etc…and will simply replace one addiction with another and/or be impossible to live with, in any case. The problem is… what lead this man into the life of sexual addiction in the first place? Its not a pretty picture, I can assure you, and the addiction is merely a symptom of a much deeper problem.

Now, the other side and I don’t recommend this is to join his little party… Yes, indeed… but that is another story and another blog and also not recommended. nope… don’t go there.

One last thing. I caught several dangerous strains of HPV (humanpapillomavirus) from my sex addie. Almost ALL men have it, but guess what? There’s no friggin test for it in males and the only test for women is through a pap smear. The dangerous kind is what can lead to cervical cancer and I required a colposcopy to scrape some tissue off of my cervix because my HPV was still active after 6 months. Some strains of HPV also cause vaginal and cervical warts and ironically, those are not the strains that can cause cancer. I have to be checked every 6 months for the rest of my life or until it goes into remission, which it could, but necessarily so.

BTW, I didn’t have it before I was with him and I am never with my husband, so there it is.

And… condoms do nothing to protect a woman because the virus lives on all of their little bit parts and the warm moist crevices of their suppurating SKIN—so, if you have sex with a a sex addict, your chances of getting some nasty germs are EXTREMELY HIGH!

sorry, honey. I’m sorry that the news isn’t better… Quite frankly, I believe that even your friendship with this dude is extremely dangerous, because you have put yourself in the path of the tornado. If you don’t want to get your hand bit off, don’t put inside the lion’s cage! There are so many other men who don’t have this problem.

ejl79's avatar

Wow update for you who believe I was just waiting for my prom date to bring the corsage… Thanks a lot. I did not pursue anything romantic with him. I remained only friends with him. We did spend time one on one and that just became too confusing to have some of the opposite gender so close to us and it not be anything more than friends. But that was not going to happen so we both agreed that we will no longer spend time together one on one. I am now interested in someone else and no longer feeling conflicted.

6rant6's avatar

@ejl79 Glad things are working out for you.

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