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Zeena's avatar

Am I a bad person if I am not acting about my brothers issue?

Asked by Zeena (188points) May 20th, 2011

I live in an Arabic country where the traditions and old habits are still dominating people’s minds and where the culture is different from any other one.
I have two brothers who are 19 years old(twins), they are still in school.My parents found out that my brothers are gays so my dad has hitted them and kicked them out of the house. In my country they spit on the gays and laugh on the way they get dressed. I am not against the idea but I am not doing anything to get them back. Now they are living in a hotel, they quitted going to school and started work.My parents don’t want them anymore and they are telling people that their boys are dead. My sister and me are trying to convince my dad but wihtout any progress. Even my brothers don’t want to return at home.
I know that in your country it’s the right of the person to live alone when he’s 18 and being a gay is a normal thing but look to the facts in our way of thinking and ask me if I am wrong about not acting in this situation.
Thank you

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21 Answers

JilltheTooth's avatar

I’m not sure what you mean by “acting” on it. Are you maintaining a relationship with your brothers? If you do, will you be in trouble as well? I hope, for all your sakes, that you are able to still be a loving sister.
This is a very difficult situation for them, I can only wish them the best.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

If you and your sister attempted to convince your father differently, then you are acting in their defense. You now know where your parents stand on this, and it is unlikely that you will change their minds. The best that you can do for now is to stay in touch with your brothers out of love for them and hope that your parents soften their opinion as time goes on.

john65pennington's avatar

No matter how your parents think about this situation, your blood is also your brothers blood and that will never change.

You cannot and should not discard your brothers, just because they are gay. Some of the nicest people on the planet are gay. Their sexual feelings are just that…..theirs.

You are faced with a tough decision. Your parents or your brothers. Only you can make this choice.

marinelife's avatar

Can you get some money to your brothers?

Can you communicate with them?

You may, being inculcated by your culture, find this hard to believe, but your brothers are the same people that you knew. They are just as funny, just as kind, just as loving. Even though they are gay.

I think that you should help them as much as possible.

Zeena's avatar

Yes I am maintaining a relationship with my brothers but only we’re talking on the phone. I have talked to them and we are going to see each other next week. Of course I will help them when they needed me. I have told you before I am not against the idea of being gay I have three friends who are gays and they are adorable but my parents won’t EVER change their minds. And yes I will be in trouble if my dad noticed that I am defending them or helping them..

AdamF's avatar

It sounds like you are being a great sister then!

I don’t know how old you are, but I assume you still live at home. Considering how strong emotions can run on these issues, make sure you’re not putting youself at risk of being kicked out if you’re still dependent on Mom and Dad. That won’t help your brothers. Frankly, if you can keep on relatively good terms with your brothers and your parents, you might just be able to act as a bridge between them one day. It also may help them to have a friend like you in the house to temper the anger.

I applaud your stance.

Skaggfacemutt's avatar

After reading your post and answers, I agree that trying to change your parents’ minds is a waste of time and possibly dangerous to you. I agree with @marinelife , one thing you can do is become their substitute parent and help and support them as much as possible. Go visit them, be there for them, keep up communication with them, and if they need financial help, do what you can. As long as they have you, they won’t be alone in the world.

janbb's avatar

That is so sad. Do what you can for them. You are a good sister for thinking about them and continuing to try to convince your father. Keeping communication with them is key.

A side question – what would your father do if he knew about you and the married man?

Zeena's avatar

@janbb, I am glad that you answer that question. He will kill me and I mean it not only because he is a married but also because the difference between our religion. Yes it’s complicated!

janbb's avatar

I would be so good for you if could break it off then, on so many levels but I understand your life isn’t an easy one.

iamthemob's avatar

Let me ask you this: do you think your brothers would ask that you put your safety and well-being at risk to make a point to your parents that they’re wrong?

I really doubt it. But, do you want to or have you asked if they think you should do something more for them? There may be in fact something that you can do that you’re not thinking about, and they may be too overwhelmed to think to ask you at this point.

And in the end, considering the culture and your parents’ extreme reaction, it seems really unlikely that you’re going to be able to do anything to make the situation better. You can simply avoid making it worse. Cultures change and grow, and hopefully move to be more accepting.

The fact that you are on your brothers’ side it seems right now is a testament that you, and likely others in your generation, are moving in the right direction. Don’t think that you are not doing enough – you could do more, but we all could in every situation. The fact that you’re there and concerned is wonderful, and you have my gratitude for being a good sister.

wundayatta's avatar

You seem to have such a revolutionary family for your country. Why did your father find out about your brothers? Surely they knew better than to tell him? Or did they want to confront him? You need to have a reality show about your family. There’s probably enough drama there for three shows.

Whenever you do things that are outside the norm for your society, you will face problems about people’s disapproval. You have two choices: you can hide and hope to never get caught, or you can come out and be proud of who you are and hope you can start a change in people’s attitudes.

The way I see it, you need your brother’s support as much as they need yours. I don’t know if they know about your situation, but it doesn’t matter. You have to “get each other’s backs” which is to say you have to support each other because really, who else will? So you do what you can without exposing yourself to significant negative consequences.

Sunny2's avatar

You are very brave. I think you will see what to do, but be careful. It’s a dangerous situation.

And welcome to Fluther. I think we will have many questions for you and I look forward toyour point of view.

mazingerz88's avatar

You’re a great sister. Continue loving your brothers but at the same time be careful.

aprilsimnel's avatar

I think with regard to your brothers, you’re doing the best you can. It’s hard to convince people to change their minds when they believe something, and if they do, it’s on their own time, not when we might want them to. It’s good that you stick up for your brothers, but your parents may be very slow to accept them for who they are. You’re being a good sister.

6rant6's avatar

Sometimes greatness of spirit comes from having no low risk options. You stand to lose your brothers (in many different ways) or your father. Be brave.

BarnacleBill's avatar

Welcome to Fluther. I think that you are doing something by keeping the lines of communication open for your brothers to the family. Help them when you can, but don’t put yourself in a direct path of having your go against you. Your value, like the country of Switzerland, is in neutrality. Sometimes these situations need time to alter the way people look at things. You mother may be agreeing with your father because she is his wife. She will eventually miss your brothers and want news of them, and you will be able to provide that. Perhaps the outcome will eventually be that your brothers will move to a new country. Regardless, life for them will be different than for your parents, and becoming the connector between two worlds, yours will be different as well.

In the United States, in very traditional Fundamentalist Christian households, having gay children is also not always accepted. Your parents reaction is not very different than parents like this. Your parents are probably at a stage where they think that somehow shunning by the family and community members can magically make your brothers choose to not be gay. The problem is, it’s not a choice.

Is there just you, your sister and your brothers in your family, or are there more children?

cheebdragon's avatar

So it’s not okay for both of your brothers to be gay, but your parents are okay with you dating a married guy?

Zeena's avatar

I want to thank you for your answers all of you.
@cheebdragon, my parents still don’t know anything about my relationship and if they do, you will wonder where is that arabic girl with her weird stories because I’ll be dead! They won’t just kick me out like they did with my brothers..
@BarnacleBill, yes there is only us in my amily and our problem are bigger than us!
@wundayatta, my dad found out that my brothers are gays when he opened their closet and find make up and girls stuff.
Actually my boyfriend (the married one) called them and asked them if they need anything and we are still in touch with my brothers till the recent date without any progress at home.

cheebdragon's avatar

Boy, all of those extreme religious rules are really working out well for your country…no reason for the youth to rebel or anything~

BarnacleBill's avatar

If there are only the four of you, then time may change things. Patience is hard, and sometimes understanding will get you further than arguing. You can acknowledge your parent’s pain without agreeing they are right. Perhaps in acknowledging the pain, it can help it come out. They did not expect to have a gay son. They did not expect to have two gay sons. Disowning them is a knee-jerk reaction and one that’s hard to back down from. Remind them how much they love your brothers and that doesn’t stop even with hurt and misunderstanding, that your brothers are the same people they have always been.

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