Wow People!
Thank You Ever So Much for caring enough to both read my post, think about it and to reply!
This is my first time on this site.
It is also the first time I have anyone outside of the group themselves to get feed back from.
I almost cried from all your care and feed back. I am not used to affirmation.
To answer a question or two you might have had in your minds:
As far as diagnosis: BPD, Gender Identity Disorder (I have a male body and feel I am a girl, and that as far back into my childhood as I can remember. This therapist is from the circle supposed to help me get acclimated to looking and being like a girl and eventually get my SRS {sexual reassignment surgery}), Depression and Bi-Polar OKA Manic Depressive.
Ugh, those that know me outside of my groups don’t think I need any of them.
The Psychiatrist keep giving me meds that mess me up one way or another, mood wise or some nasty physical reactions. I told my doctor I want none of them since I am going to a group for training in DBT (Dialectical Behavior Training) which helps me to retrain my own thinking about things so I am not too far into thinking too much and withdrawing or being too manic, and too “happy.”
This comment of hers happened outside of the group and it was not concerned with the group. It was concerning another therapist, relating to the DBT training, which I fired.
I will post more on that one.
In essence, I am getting shot at from two sides.
(If I expound on this, this post is going to look like a mini-book!)
Should I expound?
Since I was a very young child, I felt like a girl, played with the girls and all I wanted was to dress like and be a girl. Henceforth the Gender Identity “Disorder” diagnosis. I need that diagnosis I guess to get help getting my physical reassignment. All well and good.
Well, as luck will have it (I don’t really believe in luck, but it sounds good for the sentence :-) ) there was quite a bit of abuse to me in my life, reducing my self image which resulted a lot of societal non conformity (the nuns sure had a time with me in Catholic School {and I am sure there were a couple of priests that would have liked to “have a time with me”} LOL.
Anyway, I ended up using a lot of different drugs, the worse drug of all was alcohol.
I traveled the U.S. over the years, had a few relationships and couple of marriages and lived and learned a lot.
Four years ago, reaching 50, it seems I reached a plateau to look at where I’d been and where I’d want to go. I quit all mind altering substances, got therapy for BPD (and the other diagnoses) as well as seeking out the means to finally become a full woman, inside and out.
That = Two arenas of therapy I am in. 1.) For my “mental illnesses,” and 2.) for my Gender Identity.
I have been doing what they teach me, taking the drugs they give me, acting as I am “supposed to.” Some of their stuff fits me, some does not. I have been careful to not offend them least they throw me out of my programs and I have to do this all on my own again and possibly find myself alone, sliding down the Rabbit Hole again.
With my original post, that happened with program 2.) and was on the tail end of me firing my DBT therapist in arena 1.)
Oh, cripes this is confusing to me, it must be for you!
In essence, I have given up drugs, acknowledged my identity as a woman and am transferring my entire life and appearance to being a woman, admitting that being with a man is ok (me being a woman, howbeit a bisexual one), dealing with past abuse, changing my thinking through new ways of thinking, letting loose of unhealthy relationships and building newer healthier ones (a little slow on building new ones, I am a little weary), going through mid life crisis, dealing with my Mom’s aging and eccentricity, supporting my ex (girlfriend of 15 years with whom we shared a studio, broke up the intimacy 4 years ago).
I am juggling the medicines they give me. I quit all of them when two months ago, after a medicine change we made six months ago, my teeth started falling out. Now mind you, I have been going to the dentist regularly and for four years, I haven’t even had a cavity.
I had to get, oh, what is it, four teeth gone in lower front and I get four porcelain ones in the front, two crowns and two teeth in the back pulled.
The problem with the teeth was continuing so I quit all the meds.
Dentist and doctors didn’t know what medicine I was taking would do that all of a sudden.
We finally determined it was the stress I am going through and probably taking the meds with my female hormones (Estrogen, I now have a woman’s blood).
My Psychiatrist switched me to Tegretol to cap a lid on the mania and we agreed, against her “better thinking” I will handle the depression on my own with a good diet, exercise and using my new DBT skills.
The Tegretol makes me dizzy all the time, more depressed/sad and my left foot is swollen from water retention. I called last week about that, no response. Oh well, so I don’t get accused of “Therapy Interfering Behavior” I will keep taking this poison till she calls me.
In light of all that, I think I’m doing pretty darn good.
What do you think?
As far as taking care of myself, I am here with you all, looking for opinions outside of myself so I don’t just go nutz inside my own head LOL.
I really don’t have people around me to support me much as they are friends and ex’s from a dysfunctional past and they now rely on me for support. (Geeze, talk about the blind leading the blind)
Two days ago I signed up on a dating site so I can have my first date with a man as a woman.
That is another whole ball of wax.
Just posting with you people is something I would never have done in the past.
“Nobody loves me, nobody cares” is crap and I want to hear what other travelers down this wacky road of life have to say.
:-)
Enough rambling, I am sure you fell asleep on your keyboard by now!
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