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incendiary_dan's avatar

How do I zombie proof my garden?

Asked by incendiary_dan (13386points) May 21st, 2011

With the zombie apocalypse upon us, I was wondering how to keep zombies from trampling my garden. I worked pretty hard on the setup, after all. I know they don’t eat the corn seeds like the damn chipmunks I was just having problems with, but they might wreck things to get to tasty brains. Got any ideas for keeping this particular pest away?

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48 Answers

everephebe's avatar

Yes that is a real danger
I would concentrate on your house first. Once that’s good, try some of these tips.
I’m thinking greenhouse on top of your bunker, is the best bet, with really thick glass.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

Zombies are on the hunt for fresh meat, so in order to save the garden, the best way is not have it in the path between them and you.

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

I answered the wrong question….how did I get here? (Must be a slip in the time-space continuum). Please disregard this.

incendiary_dan's avatar

@DarlingRhadamanthus Now I just gotta worry about zombies and other pesky pests messing up my garden. Damn kids and their being undead!

MilkyWay's avatar

If you’re in the garden @incendiary_dan, then the garden is already zombie proof.

incendiary_dan's avatar

But even I get bored sitting in the garden all day. I think I have to devise some sort of diverting fence system so that randomly wandering zombies won’t come in. I think I’m gonna build a corral system kind of alike a fish weir.

MilkyWay's avatar

Just build a scarecrow that looks exactly like you @dan ;) It’ll get those zombies quivering in their decomposing boots…

lillycoyote's avatar

Actually, a significant portion of my zombie fighting arsenal is my collection of garden tools and implements such as.

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If you keep your tools handy you should do fine but you might consider buying extras and booby trapping your garden with them.

JLeslie's avatar

When is the end of the world again? I forgot the date. All I remember is 6pm LOL, that still just cracks me up to no end. I wonder if Jesus meant Zulu time or Jerusalem time?

To answer the question you have to put out food that will be more attractive to them away from your garden and hope they go for that rather than your home grown goodies. I recommend pinwheel cookies and coca cola cake.

fundevogel's avatar

I’ve had success barricading the perimeter with wallnuts backed by chompers. I keep my heavy artillery as far from the front line as possible. If you’ve got swarms of zombies or really tough zombies it’s good to plant some spike weed out front to slow them down so you can get in more hits.

You might also look into taking anti-vampire measures as well while you’re at it.

incendiary_dan's avatar

I can’t believe I asked this question without making a Plants vs. Zombies joke. It didn’t even enter my mind.

lillycoyote's avatar

@incendiary_dan I considered advising you to plant peashooters, spikeweed, squash, kernel-pults, jalepeno and starshooters but decided against it. It didn’t seem like a realistic option. :-)

flutherother's avatar

A neighbour asked me that very thing the other day and I suggested an application of weedkiller and garlic mix. All that night his flower borders were trampled by a constant stream of the living dead. Boy was he mad! Garlic is for zombies right?

incendiary_dan's avatar

@lillycoyote Well, I did plant corn, and beans are coming soon. Then the squash. Now that I think about it, I think I’m all set.

incendiary_dan's avatar

@flutherother Garlic is for deer and vampires. Oops!

flutherother's avatar

@incendiary_dan Oops I was starting to think I might have got it wrong (probably best if I don’t tell him)

incendiary_dan's avatar

@flutherother It’s okay, I confuse deer and zombie from time to time. Maybe that’s why nobody will eat my venison adobo.

lillycoyote's avatar

@incendiary_dan Is it possible that you have deer zombies? Are humans the only ones that can become zombies? How can we know for sure?

incendiary_dan's avatar

@lillycoyote Excellent questions. I guess it’s early hunting season!

auntydeb's avatar

I think a dose of the throat-biting rabbits featured in Monty Python and the Holy Grail would definitely help. Taking the head off a zombie is the way to get ‘em isn’t it? You might have to sacrifice some plant life, but I reckon the rabbits would keep those pesky undead at bay.
Take a peek here with care

flutherother's avatar

@incendiary_dan I have noticed a few deer gathering in my garden since sundown. Scary looking creatures aren’t they? They are coming up to the front door. I’ll see if I have some lettuce for them to eat.

fundevogel's avatar

@incendiary_dan What about zombie deer? Are they vulnerable to garlic or do they possess the zombie’s invulnerability to garlic? Can you imagine it? All of their strengths and none of their weaknesses?

incendiary_dan's avatar

I’m gonna need more ammo…

Also, rakes to lay out for them to step on.

Bellatrix's avatar

Plant a lot of green veggies around the border of your garden. I am thinking cabbage, spinach, broccoli, Brussels sprouts. Butter beans are pretty ick too… I just have a sense that these would be a deterrent to zombies who like meat and brains. Throw in some garlic too. Works on vampires….

6rant6's avatar

I’m amazed no one suggested diatomaceous earth.

incendiary_dan's avatar

@6rant6 How’s that gonna stop zombies? I believe it mostly just effects small critters, particularly those with more porous skin.

6rant6's avatar

@incendiary_dan I’m not saying I would use it. I’m just surprised no one on Fluther recommended it. I asked whether covering a plant with a glass jar would significantly impair the plants’ ability to metabolize CO2 and someone recommended diatomaceous earth. I’d use windmills with razor sharp edges. The new green and all.

lillycoyote's avatar

@6rant6 I really like the razor blade windmill idea. Why shouldn’t we “go green” when fighting zombies too? And it may be better if we are off the grid. If the folks at the power stations haven’t taken the threat seriously where does that leave the rest of us?

Bellatrix's avatar

What about solar panels then? Blind them with the light by strategically placing solar panels around our yards?

auntydeb's avatar

Old vinyl albums, especially by the ‘now cool’ who simply weren’t when they recorded. I am willing to donate my John Denver collection to the Zombie armoury. Frisbee style, hurled with a firm but gentle twist, should take those critters heads off in one.

kaywizard's avatar

How about a 20ft brick wall and some land mines. That should take care of most pest including zombies, pesky kids and any hobbits looking to steal your vegetables.

flutherother's avatar

There is nothing worse than spending the day tending the flower beds only to find in the morning that the living dead have been trampling all over them. I would suggest twelve foot high razor wire around your garden, four or five machine gun nests activated by movement sensors, a drone hovering overhead with night sights and hellfire missiles, a couple of Apache helicopters and an AC130 ground attack gunship.

This is almost certain to keep your flower beds zombie free and beautiful through the summer months and the envy of your neighbours.

incendiary_dan's avatar

@flutherother But we have to ask the question all gardeners do: is it enough?

flutherother's avatar

@incendiary_dan I would put the question to you, when it comes to zombies is it ever enough? I am limited only by costs and for every $1:00 I spend on flowers I spend $1 million on zombie proofing which seems about right.

incendiary_dan's avatar

@flutherother I can see absolutely nothing wrong with that ratio. :P

auntydeb's avatar

I think… No, I’m pretty sure, zombies cannot swim. Phew. A decent moat around the veg patch should do it. At least five feet across, (never seen one jump either) and around the same deep. In fact if their heads stick out, they are too stupid to climb, so it would make it very easy to knock ‘em off in the morning with a hockey stick. New game as well as protection for the veg patch.

flutherother's avatar

@auntydeb Zombies can’t swim but they can’t drown and they will walk across any moat under water. I would stock up with tinned vegetables.

auntydeb's avatar

Hm, @flutherother – was thinking more along the lines of containment until disposal. I think if the sides were sheer, they might simply bang into them. Never seen them clamber either see. Best make it deeper of course. Can humans eat zombies?

flutherother's avatar

@auntydeb I don’t want to alarm you but experience has shown that by clambering over each other zombies will surmount the highest obstacle.

It will never be known if humans can eat zombies as no one is ever going to try.

auntydeb's avatar

I’d forgotten the wanton clambering over the fallen… blocked it from my mind. Now I shall have nightmares. Damn, I thought the moat would do it. Do zombies ‘survive’ freezing? Their heads would be whole lot easier to knock off when frozen. Still looking into containment… Oh, and I’ve revised the John Denver Albums, I’d be willing to chuck in some Bruce Springsteen too. Much sharper.

incendiary_dan's avatar

Maybe it’s opening a can of worms, but what if a moat was a festering habitat for flesh eating bacteria?

auntydeb's avatar

…can of… worms? Flesh eating worms! Probably produce great compost too. Must research.
hmm, escapist imaginings as the yuletide hubbub approaches

6rant6's avatar

Zombies are pretty flammable as I recall. Has anyone looked into co-generation possibilities?

incendiary_dan's avatar

@6rant6 Then you have to worry about flaming zombies shambling at you. That could get messy. It takes them a while to burn.

auntydeb's avatar

oh dear @incendiary_dan the images you conjure are so unpleasant. ‘Shambling at you’, such a… grim phrase!

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