Social Question

Stefaniebby's avatar

Should I have told my friend's husband that she was cheating on him?

Asked by Stefaniebby (1165points) May 30th, 2011

I told my friends husband she was cheating on him.
He’s a marine, he moved her out to Cali so they could live together. She stopped talking to me completely and deleted me off everything (Facebook, Twitter) and I became suspicious. I easily figured out she was cheating on her husband. So I told her husbands best friend (since I’m not really close to her husband) and he figured the whole thing out. He’s thanked me many times for bringing this to his attention, and honestly I’m glad I did. He works so hard for her so she doesn’t have to work and can go shopping all day.

I don’t personally care that our friendship is done. She’s not really a good person. We were best friends but she’s a compulsive liar, and a real gold digger. I’m more concerned about doing the right thing than a bullshit friendship. I really just felt like he didn’t deserve to be lied to and cheated like that. BUT, does my telling her husband make me a bad person?

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39 Answers

Dutchess_III's avatar

I don’t think it was any of your business. He would have figured it out on his own. What was your motive, anyway?

lemming's avatar

I think you were dead right.

Stefaniebby's avatar

@Dutchess_III my motive was that I felt it was extremely wrong. It may have not been any of my business but I doubt he would of ever figured it out. He leaves all the time for ten day field ops, which is when she went hooking up with this guy. They even called each other boyfriend and girlfriend.

syz's avatar

I told her husbands best friend (since I’m not really close to her husband)

Sounds like meddling to me.

(I don’t understand how you can describe a person with no apparent redeeming qualities as a “best friend”. Wait, is this the “soul mate” friend from a month ago? Why do you keep saying that you’re both just alike? Since you aren’t friends with the husband, are you sure this wasn’t some sort of retribution against the “best friend”? And when you say “easily figured out”, is there proof, or have you gone to him – or rather, his buddy – with unsubstantiated accusations?)

Dutchess_III's avatar

He would of have figured it out, eventually.

Stefaniebby's avatar

@syz meddling? I don’t know, maybe. I just didn’t know any other way to get in contact with her husband, he only has his phone and I don’t have his number.

AshLeigh's avatar

You were right. He deserves better.
The only thing that doesn’t make sense is… If she was really your best friend why do you not care about losing her? Doesn’t sound like a best friend to me…

Dutchess_III's avatar

Let’s weren’t really close to him, but couldn’t wait to tell him the news. If you didn’t know him, how do you know he deserves better?

Stefaniebby's avatar

@AshLeigh she was my best friend because we really are a lot alike. I don’t care about losing her because she wasn’t a true friend. A true friend shouldn’t always have to 1-up you on everything and lie constantly to you. I dealt with it for so long because I have literally no friends that were girls besides her.

@Dutchess_III You have to understand I know him very well. I grew up with him, I know his family, I know his friends. I was never, ever HIS friend though. I never talked to him really. And how do you know I couldn’t wait to tell him the news? I waited very long and watched her relationship with this other guy grow and grow. I know he deserves better because he was brought up right and he treats her like a queen. Are you telling me if you’re significant other was cheating on you, you wouldn’t want to know?

Dutchess_III's avatar

@Stefaniebby You’re totally condracting yourself. In the details you specified “So I told her husbands best friend (since I’m not really close to her husband)

Stefaniebby's avatar

@Dutchess_III I am not contradicting myself. I am not close to him. But I know him.

Gabby101's avatar

I don’t think you should feel bad for telling someone the truth. People act like the deception and pain that comes with a cheating spouse is all part of the game, but the damage that is caused is real. Emotional pain is serious and intentionally inflicting it on another person shouldn’t be tolerated. You did what you felt was the ethical thing to do and you should feel ok with that. You just gave the husband the information, what he does with it is his decision.

marinelife's avatar

Cheating is cheating and cheating is wrong,

You did the right thing letting the husband know.

Jude's avatar

Not sure why you did it, but, I am glad that you did. @marinelife is right.

latinagirl56's avatar

you did the right thing
she probably would have
never told him she was cheating
and everyone deserves the truth

Dutchess_III's avatar

To all who are convinced he wouldn’t have ever known. They are married. He wouldn’t be overseas forever. He would have come home….and figured it out.

ninjacolin's avatar

As long as he’s happy that you told him, I don’t see how you could say you did the wrong thing.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

The situation is such a fine line. If he had been your friend first then it would’ve almost been an obligation for you to confront her and give her a choice to tell him first, before you did. That she was your friend and also the cheater… I would left it alone unless it was something I witnessed and she was aware I had had out. I’d then have told my friend I didn’t like having the secret but still kept it to myself from her husband. For sure though, she wouldn’t have been my friend anymore in the same way as before.

Dutchess_III's avatar

But she didn’t know he’d be happy to hear the news before she told him…..

Russell_D_SpacePoet's avatar

I think you were right to do what you did. People who do things like she was should be dragged out in to the light. I know that I would want to be told.

nikipedia's avatar

I know this is an unpopular opinion, but I think you did the right thing. I’d want to know if someone was cheating on me, and the source would be completely irrelevant.

Ladymia69's avatar

Hmmm. Too late to worry about the moral implications now, don’t ya think?

Dutchess_III's avatar

@Russell_D_SpacePoet But…I can’t figure out what would motivate someone to break that news to someone else…unless it was someone very, very close to them.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Here’s another thing to consider, it may not have been a mystery to him and he could have taken it as intrusive by someone not his friend.

A similar thing happened in our family some years ago. The woman who was “family” was cheating on her husband who happened to have become a best friend to my husband and I. Once we learned about the affair, we were loathe to say anything because we weren’t sure what terms their marriage was operating on. The husband eventually found out and then was a bit angry with us when he learned we already knew but forgave because we withheld the knowledge not out of solidarity to the “blood relative” but because we wanted to extend respect to them as a couple. It was a horrible horrible situation.

Dutchess_III's avatar

Yeah…like when a relative-by-marriage hits on you…what the hell do you do?

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

I’ve been in a similar situation twice. In both cases, I knew the spouse, but the cheater was a closer friend. Nothing was said to either partner because I didn’t have any cold, hard facts. Had their been, I would have gone to the friend first, and only if I held respect for both parties involved. If I had proof and received resistance, I might have then gone to their partner.

In both of the cases mentioned above, my suspicions proved to be correct. In hindsight, I wish I had gone to the fiancée of one close friend before she married him. The guy (a co-worker and close friend) was fired for having sex at work. His partner in crime not only reported to him but was also male. The marriage went on. I talked to the ex-wife a couple of years ago and apologized to her for not speaking up at the time once she told me how the marriage played out. She wasn’t resentful, but I still feel guilty about not giving her a heads up so that she could do her own investigating.

In the other scenario, I felt sure that the friend (co-worker) was having an affair with another co-worker from another different dept. Because I had no proof, only a gut feeling, I kept my mouth shut. The close co-worker ended up getting hired by the other co-worker, their spouses eventually found out, the guy got fired, and the two couples got a divorce. Children were involved. It was messy from all angles. Again, in hindsight, I wish I had told the husband who was a friend of my suspicions. I don’t know him really well, but well enough to know that he would have treated the information as confidential and done his own research, if he wasn’t already.

@Dutchess_III just noticed your last post. When my ex-BIL hit on me, I told him to get over it because nothing would ever come of it. And I never told my sister.

BBSDTfamily's avatar

You did the right thing! Good for you!

Dutchess_III's avatar

@Pied_Pfeffer… That was a freaking CRAZY situation…are they still together?

SavoirFaire's avatar

I think you did the right thing.

And I wouldn’t be so sure he’d have found out otherwise (or at least before it was way too late). I knew a woman who got away with it her whole life, and I know a guy who didn’t find out his wife was cheating on him until he was 15 years and three kids into a marriage. She’d been cheating on him since before they were married, and he would have much preferred to find out then.

BarnacleBill's avatar

You played a hunch and it turned out correct. But, there are plenty of reasons for people dropping people on FB and stopping talking to them than cheating on your spouse. The bad thing here is that being right in this one instance makes it easy to assume that you are intuitive, and are justified in meddling. You’re not. Don’t do it again, because you may not be right the next time and could ruin someone’s life with conjecture. Then people will avoid you because you would be considered a gossip and not to be trusted. I hope you’re not talking about what you did to people who know them.

SavoirFaire's avatar

@BarnacleBill As I read the OP, the hunch was just the beginning. It was further investigation that proved the cheating, and only then was anyone told.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

@Dutchess_III The two cheating co-workers where the man got the axe? It appears that they are still together based upon their Facebook profiles. Personally, I hope that they are happy together. Both seem to be players, based upon their past reputation (as well as a bit of personal experience with the guy.) Maybe it took finding someone who is wired the way the they are to find true love and acceptance for their lifestyle preference.

chyna's avatar

What’s done is done, but were you really telling the husband because you cared about his feelings or were you just telling in retaliation to your “best friend” dumping you?

Neizvestnaya's avatar

@Dutchess_III: Whenever anyone who knows I’m with partner has hit on me then I’ve given them the stinkeye and told them to put it out of their head and not even joke about it.

Dutchess_III's avatar

@Pied_Pfeffer Wow, wow, wow! Crazy!

@Neizvestnaya Ya ever twisted their fingers under the table when they’re trying to run their hand up your leg, while sitting next to their wife? Heh! Fun fun! They CAN’T show reaction to pain! Heh!

Neizvestnaya's avatar

@Dutchess_III: Ugh, no. Touching would’ve gotten them shoved. That would creep me out too much, I’d probably end up jumping straight up and yelping out loud.

woodcutter's avatar

Anyone who cheats on a GI while they are away is a whore. Plain and simple. There is no excuse. I hope she get sent down the road talking to herself.

Russell_D_SpacePoet's avatar

@Dutchess_III Because it wasn’t right. I guess unless you have had it done to you, you can’t see the motivation.

Dutchess_III's avatar

@Neizvestnaya…. Well, like I said he was sitting next to his wife….I just didn’t want to make that scene.

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