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wundayatta's avatar

How did you rebuild a relationship?

Asked by wundayatta (58714points) June 2nd, 2011

A friendship, a marriage, a relationship with a relative—if you had a breach in that relationship, how did you rebuild it? What steps did you take? What kind of attitude adjustments did you have to make? Did you do anything concrete?

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10 Answers

TexasDude's avatar

Great question. I’ll give you the Reader’s Digest version of my personal story.

During my sophomore year of high school, I dated a girl who I had been best friends with since 6th grade—I also happened to have a raging crush on her for that long as well. We dated for three months before she broke up with me for another guy she had dated in the past. She was gentle during the breakup, but she never spoke to me after it was all said and done, and I was devastated because I genuinely loved her and missed my friendship with her more than anything, since she and I have always been extremely similar.—

As highschool wore on, she never spoke to me and avoided me until senior year when she started making idle, friendly chit chat with me, which culminated in her hugging me and telling me she was sorry on the eve of graduation. I didn’t hear from her again after that.

Fast forward to last February. She added me on facebook, but we didn’t chat or anything until I randomly decided to start discussing Descartes with her on one of her statuses. She gave me her phone number again and told me I should call her so we could “catch up” sometime and go hiking or shooting, which are two interests—of many that we share. I didn’t call or text.—

Fast forward to Spring Break. On a whim, I decided to text her. We wound up talking the entire day and she invited me on a hike the next morning. The hike turned into an all-day adventure, similarly to the ones we went on years ago when we were best friends. We instantly hit it off again, but there was no mention of our falling out. We just naturally clicked. We spent the next month or two going out all the time and the subject of our falling out finally came up. We both agreed that we were dumb kids at the time and we should have talked about our issues rather than she just cutting me off and me being fine with it, and we promised to never “do that no talking for four years bullshit” ever again.

To me, it seems like a willingness to take chances, coupled with a bit of luck is what led to this relationship of mine being healed. If I hadn’t randomly decided to text her, or if I didn’t take that class on Descartes, thus inspiring me to comment on her status, we would still probably be in communication black out, and I would be without one of the best friends I’ve ever had

Hibernate's avatar

First step is rebuilding trust .. takes time but after that the relationship will start again.

jasper1890's avatar

In a word, time.

mattbrowne's avatar

I think the concept of so-called ‘emotional bids’ are key.

“If you’re planning to be happily sharing your mornings with the same partner far into the future, you have to acknowledge and respond positively to your partner’s comments. What makes this simple interaction so important to the happiness and longevity of relationships? Relationship researcher John Gottman has been observing couples for over 30 years and he has identified that relationships are made up of hundreds, if not thousands of small moments of connection similar to the one described above.

Gottman calls these seemingly simple, mundane interactions ‘bids’. When we bid, we are inviting our partner to connect with us. Gottman’s research has demonstrated that bids are the ‘fundamental unit of emotional connection’ and are one of the keys to successful relationships. While the focus in this article is on our close, intimate relationships, the information discussed can be used to create and strengthen connection in all our relationships,

Bids come in an infinite variety of styles. They can be verbal, such as a comment or question or nonverbal, such as a touch, expression or gesture. Regardless of style, what all bids share is the underlying message ‘I want to feel connected to you!’

We respond to bids in one of three ways. The answers to the question posed above provide examples:

Option a) this is an example of turning towards (reacting in a positive way to a bid for emotional connection).

Option b) this is an example of turning away (acting preoccupied or ignoring a bid).

Option c) this is an example of turning against (responding in a manner that is argumentative or belligerent).

Gottman’s research shows that when couples consistently turn toward each other’s bids they experience stable, long lasting relationships. In addition, the solid foundation of trust and positive feelings that turning toward bids creates in a relationship has also been found to be an important factor in helping couples work through conflicts, an inevitable component of any long term relationship.”

seperate_reality's avatar

You first make contact by email, phone call, or, in person. You can even use a friend or relative as a go between.
Next you two have to be willing to communicate to understanding. You can agree to disagree, as long as there is a new established line of communication towards an understanding. Most people are willing to do this, so it’s not all that complicated. There is usually things to tell the other like, I said this about you, and I didn’t mean it, and I’m sorry for doing that to you. There is usually someone else you two know, that was or is stirring up trouble to break up your relationship. It’s a good idea to talk about anyone you both know who is doing this. One name will usually be mentioned more times than anyone else out of who you both know. This person will be the active relationship breaker.

latinagirl56's avatar

well i still haven’t its sad but i think
my life is better without those people

seperate_reality's avatar

I have had my share of those type of relationships and I don’t regret not seeing those people today. Sometimes it’s best to move on. I found , that there are very many cool people I can click with, so don’t even bother with the ones I don’t.

Sweetie26's avatar

Time (I know I don’t like hearing it too), trust, communication, and listening.

belakyre's avatar

The ability to forgive, forget, and move on.

kharnett's avatar

I’ve recently re-built a relationship with my boyfriend. We had been fighting about me going out after work .. even though he went out every night as well and I was accused of cheating .. he dumped me a week later. (After a year and 3 months)
2 months after we broke up, I started talking to him again and we were hanging out as friends.
Now we are back in a relationship .. all it took was a lot of trust, commitment and time.

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