What would you do if you were a maid of honor/best man, but you felt like your friend was "settling"?

I would keep my position in the wedding and refrain from confronting her. If she were to ask my opinion, I’d tell the truth, but otherwise I would not interfere. After all, it’s her relationship, not mine. Maybe she is truly happy, and they are more compatible than appearances suggest.

At any rate, confronting friends about this issue usually backfires. Questioning the friend’s relationship will trigger the Romeo and Juliet effect, in which a person’s dedication to their partner intensifies in response to opposition. As a good friend, I usually just try to be there for the person. After all, she will need my support if the relationship sours.

I let my friends make their own crazy choices….because they are good at it.;)

From my experiences telling people that they are screwing up only leads to losing friends. Now I just grin and prepare my shoulder for the tears.

And “settling” isn’t bad. If you have some crazy thought prince charming will stroll along and everything will be perfect you are delusional. I eat at Taco Bell because it is good enough.

Word.

This a good question, but the real question is: Should you confront someone if you feel their partner isn’t the right one for them?

I would go through with it, because it is my friend’s decision not mine.

I was a groomsman for a friend whom we (the groomsmen) all thought was making a mistake. We knew we couldn’t tell him. So, we took bets on how long the marriage would last. $50/head. I said 3–4 years. Almost won. They split up in 3.5 years, but the divorce wasn’t official until 4.5. I could have used that $200 too.

I’m just curious to know why you think your friend is “settling”?

Unless the future spouse is abusive, it really shouldn’t matter to you whether that person is good looking, makes a lot of money, speaks perfect English, wears the right clothes, knows the right people, combs their hair in a flattering matter, drives the right car, lives in the right neighborhood or anything else.

If the person is abusive, or an alcoholic or a druggee or a compulsive liar or cheater (and you can prove that) you should probably talk to your friend now and not wait until the last minute. If any of these things are the case, you should let your friend know that you are genuinely concerned for his/her welfare and then suggest that you wouldn’t feel comfortable being in the ceremony. But know that if you do that, you might lose your friend. But if your friend is reasonable, they might thank you for trying to help. It could go either way.

@Kardamom This Q isn’t about me…

I would consider it her choice and be thankful that I am not the “settling” type myself. Just because I feel they are settling, doesn’t mean they are and only they should decide why they are with someone. Settling isn’t a good choice and I know many people that openly admit they settled and regret it but it’s still their choice to make.

Edit: Forgot to add, I would still be her bridesmaid.

If it is a true friend, don’t act, be honest and up-front, and not judgemental.You could ask your friend if they’re just settling?, but listen to their side without offering your opinion. Have the conversation, then let it go. Your opinion of settling may not be another person’s opinion of settling. Your real job is to help make this the best day possible.

If I were in that position, I would ask questions rather than make a statement. Things like “does she make you happy? does she put your happiness first? have you guys talked through where you see yourselves in ten years? ”

It’s a very hard conversation, but it can’t be non-supportive. As a friend you need to stand by your friend’s decision, but help him or her reflect on it. Too often people get married be cause they want to get married, not thinking through if it’s the right spouse.

And if they are in doubt, they need to know calling it off is so much less hassle than going through a divorce.

Maid of honor/best man is in a special position. If you are any old friend, you keep your mouth shut. But if you are the closest friend, I think you have an obligation to check in with your friend and see how s/he is feeling about it, much like @zenvelo said. And to tread carefully. Make sure that if your friend is having these doubts, s/he can talk to you.

@zenvelo The person in this situation intends to do as your first paragraph suggests in an attempt to make sure the person is truly happy with what they’re doing.

Lonelydragons answer is right on target. Great answer. jp

Keep my opinions to myself! Be happy for them and if/when the time comes to be sad, be sad for them then.
You’ll just create bad feelings if you voice your negative opinions.

Assuming that this situation doesn’t need to be an either/or scenario, I would ask the friend about their reason for wanting to marry this person. If it is valid, although not a choice I would make, then yes, I would accept.

People marry for all kinds of reasons. Some of them are illogical. One sister married her husband because he reminded her of our grandfather. It didn’t last. The other married her husband because she was about to graduate from college and would be on her own. Her husband married her because she was the skinniest girl on campus. They are still happily together 26 years later.

I only have three regrets in life so far, and one of them is not standing up and objecting at a wedding when I felt like it was doomed from the beginning. It was, but that is another story. If it is just a matter of personal opinion that a friend is settling, then that is all it is: an outsider’s opinion.

Accepting the position of best man/maid of honor implies support for your friend’s choice. Whether you have a high opinion and think he/she deserves better or more, that isn’t your call to make. You should abide by your contract and make the day as special as possible for your friend. You can always have a margarita and sympathy party later if your suspicions were correct but never say “I always thought it was wrong”. That will backfire when they reconcile.

I’d keep it to myself. I can accept and be as happy for my friend as I can and as she’s counting on me to be or if I feel really strongly then I can opt out, make an excuse and keep my thoughts to myself. I know a lot of couples where one (or both) felt they were settling and most of the time it was more of an ego thing that worked itself out after awhile as the relationship grew and matured.

I would not say anything. If my friend likes their prospective spouse, that’s what counts, not my opinion.

In retrospect I wished my best man had kidnapped me from my first wedding. It wasn’t horrible but it wasn’t right.
But I probably would not have been able to appreciate it if he had.