General Question

jhodgkins's avatar

Confusing relationship with the opposite sex?

Asked by jhodgkins (45points) June 9th, 2011

Dated a friend I’ve known for awhile right before I left for a trip overseas for 5 months. While gone, she started dating another guy, but wasn’t able to fully let me go. I came back to find her still confused, so backed away for a month during which her relationship ended with the other guy. Not much hope of it recovering. Now, she realized that she loved that guy, but still wants to hang out with me all the time. She’s becoming more and more affectionate, but doesn’t want to date me and often will get caught up in memories of this guy. I feel like I’m in a relationship without any of the perks. I do love her, but I’m not sure what my course of action should be.

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

14 Answers

zenvelo's avatar

Depending on how much longer you can hang in limbo, when you finally get tired of this you need to be honest with her and tell her you don’t like being held in place as a back-up. She needs to make up her mind about whether to get closer to you or not.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

It sounds like it is time to back off and let her go if you are looking for a monogamous relationship. It isn’t necessarily the end. She just needs to come to terms of what she wants. As do you.

prioritymail's avatar

Tell her how you feel.

perspicacious's avatar

She’s a nutbar and you are probably a troll. Best to let her go altogether.

Hibernate's avatar

Maybe the relation advances slower or you guys aren’t ready to take a few more steps.

Buttonstc's avatar

It depends upon whether you are content to remain as only second best for her.

If that’s what you’re willing to settle for, then continue what you’ve been doing.

If that doesn’t suit you then grow a pair, cut your ties to her and go find yourself someone who puts you at the top of the priority list not as a fallback security blanket.

As long as you’re still orbiting around her and her whims like a hungry little puppy hoping for a few crumbs, you aren’t available for the right one to become attracted to you because the vibe you give off will be totally different from someone who has cut their losses and moved on.

It’s up to you how long you’re willing to be dangling on a string held by her.

_zen_'s avatar

Fluther to the relationship rescue, away!

rts486's avatar

She doesn’t want the same things out of your relationship you do. If you don’t mind just being friends, then that’s ok. If you want more out of a relationship, you’ll need to find a new girl. There are plenty of them out there. @Buttonstc is right. Just my opinion, but the best way to get over a girl is to get on top of another one.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

I would find other people to date.I think you are wasting your time.

RareDenver's avatar

You need to get over her. Try sleeping with all her friends.

marinelife's avatar

Walk away. She is, perhaps unconsciously, just using you.

wundayatta's avatar

What do you want to do? Hang around? You love her you say. You don’t mention being hurt by what she’s done. I find that odd. All in all, you seems rather lukewarm about her. No passion.

Either you are passionate and you aren’t saying, or you aren’t passionate. I think if you are passionate, then you stick around and try to show her how intense you are, and see if she’s interested. If not, walk away. It should be pretty easy.

There’s no should here. The only thing that matters is what you want to do. Follow your heart. If you don’t need to follow your heart, then this is not the girl for you. You have to be passionate for love to work, I think. You’ve got to have the energy to get through problems, and passion gives you that energy.

6rant6's avatar

“Confusing relationship with the opposite sex”...

You’re just now getting that?

chewhorse's avatar

Sounds to me as though she’s in love with the person.. SHE’S NOT WITH! When you were gone she probably whined to her new boyfriend about how much she cared about you and as a result he eventually got a belly full and left once you came back into the picture.. now she’s whining to you about him.. She’s scattered and is simply in love with love.. Take it or leave it. If you want her, tell her so, then wait for a reaction.. if the other guy’s name comes up instead then find someone who can be with you.. Then if you get a chance check her next boy friend and ask him how many times your name popped up.. like you with this last one, I bet’cha he won’t be able to count the times..

Answer this question




to answer.

This question is in the General Section. Responses must be helpful and on-topic.

Your answer will be saved while you login or join.

Have a question? Ask Fluther!

What do you know more about?
Knowledge Networking @ Fluther