General Question

earthboundmisfit's avatar

Should I get out of this relationship while I can?

Asked by earthboundmisfit (100points) June 27th, 2011

I have been dating someone recently. We have become quite close and it is obvious this is going to evolve into something more if it continues.

Last night I was speaking with this person, and he began to tell me how he had received an email from his ex girlfriend that he had broken up with, saying that she couldn’t be friends with him anymore. He said this upset him. He went on to say how she had asked for him back a few weeks ago but he said no because it “wasn’t what he wanted”. I asked him if he was “over” it and he said he didn’t know. He kept coming back to it “wasn’t what he really wanted”.

Anyway, I know I was beginning to develop feelings for this person. I told him that although I don’t have expectations for “whatever is between us”, I wasn’t willing to get involved in some kind of “love triangle” between him and his ex. He said he could understand that and assured me it was “over”. He has been messaging me most of the day acting rather depressed.

I am suppose to see this person tomorrow, but my head is telling me to get the hell away from this baggage. Should I cancel? My inclination is that I could easily become a rebound, which I definitely am not up for. I don’t want to be second best in this equation. It really is a shame because we have so much in common – I hate to walk away but I believe at this point he is showing too much care and thought about the “ex” for it to be worth my while.

So Flutherers, should I walk away before I am too emotionally invested in this person, or should I continue to see him and see how things progress? Is my pessimism acceptable in this circumstance?

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25 Answers

Tropical_Willie's avatar

Have a nice day and walk. You don’t need a drama scene with an Ex.

Russell_D_SpacePoet's avatar

You should give him up. He is still interested in the other woman.

Seelix's avatar

In your place, I’d leave. Why waste your time on someone who’s still hung up on someone else? The very fact that you’re wondering about whether you should stay tells me that you deserve better. Find someone who’s into you 100%.

Lightlyseared's avatar

If you gotta ask then the answers go.

xStarlightx's avatar

Yes he may still be interested or he may or may not be confused himself about the situation. I would personally see him tomorrow and let him know how you feel. Maybe he’s slow in the reading minds department.

But like I said, Just lay everything out for him and walk, if he still wants to go after you, he obviously wants to be in a relationship with you, plus rebound are not always that bad.

My last ex was a rebound and now he’s one of my best friends, just from my experience.

earthboundmisfit's avatar

We aren’t in an official relationship or anything – but if it continues I can see it heading in that direction.

I am going away for a couple weeks after tomorrow, so maybe it would be a good time to lay it all out for him and disappear for awhile and see how it plays out once I am back. I definitely don’t have a problem with walking, but I don’t want to make a mistake in doing it. I have a way of dismissing things too fast. I just don’t want to write him off too quickly, he did say that he didn’t want to be with this ex and he was the one who ended the relationship. I’m not sure if that really changes anything?

Is this a sensible route to take? Or I could cancel and also go away for awhile… that perhaps could be more effective.

marinelife's avatar

Step away for a while and then check in with him. Find out if he is in contact with the ex. If he still is after you have been gone two weeks, then I would walk.

seekingwolf's avatar

He sounds too hung up on her. The writing is on the wall. Time to go.

ChocolateCoveredStarfish's avatar

I agree with @Seelix. I just got out of a relationship. When we first started talking he told me all about his ex and how she was an immature b*tch, how he would never want her back, etc. He then started talking to his ex again, 6 months into our relationship, and I got suspicious. When I ended it he admitted to me that he is in love with his ex and always has been. He had been hung up on her all through our relationship, and basically used me as a way to try to get over her. It wasn’t a nice feeling. I suggest you run before you get hurt… and like the other answerer said, find someone who’s into you and only you.

earthboundmisfit's avatar

Would it be unreasonable for me to simply send a message saying I don’t think tomorrow is a good idea and that perhaps when I am back we can meet up?

seekingwolf's avatar

I would tell him that tomorrow isn’t a good idea and you’re sorry, but you don’t feel compatible with him and bye.

Don’t see him again.

laureth's avatar

Since you asked the question like that, I think you already know the answer.

In case it’s not clear, let me rephrase it back to you: “How much pain and emotional agony are you willing to accept to go through with this relationship?”

nikipedia's avatar

I disagree with the consensus so far. Everyone has history. He could still be processing his breakup and still have very real feelings for you, and go on to have a very satisfying relationship with you.

In fact, I would go so far as to say that the fact that he has been very open with you about his exchanges with his ex, and his feelings regarding this exchanges, speaks very well for him. It sounds like he’s honest, self-aware, and a good communicator—all qualities that strengthen a relationship.

Jellie's avatar

If I put myself in this person’s position: when I went through a break up I was confused. I was tempted to go back and had my friends/circumstances not prevented it, I would have gone back and then broken up again. Unfortunately with break ups, the emotions and feelings are like a flickering lamp. And he really seems to not have closure yet.

If you don’t wanna let go completely then talk to him and tell him that you want to give him some space and time to figure this out. Tell him you want to give him a week or two to think it over and hopefully he will have figured something out during that time. Even if he does end up getting closure over his last relationship, the roller coaster he’s on right now is not worth the ride for you. You will have plenty of time in the future to be by his side if this works out.

Good luck

Hibernate's avatar

Give it some time then if this continues you can leave.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Tell him tomorrow isn’t good but you definitely want to catch up when you get back and in the meantime you hope he can iron things out with the ex.

I can say from experience that just because you break up and tell yourself it’s for good reasons and have no intention of revisiting that particular relationship that it’s still hard to just instantly turn off feelings that have built up over time. You may have a great person to be with but it will take a little time for the old relationship to blur a bit while you discover and expand the new one.

As long as you trust he just has lingering feelings of what was to put distance to and not feelings of what if then you can go slow, keep him slow and see what happens. It’s a gamble and his past behaviors will give you an idea if he’s a one at a time relationship person or not.

hermit's avatar

I used to think honesty is everything…not anymore. For the simple fact that he told you this and having no sensivity toward your feelings means he doesn’t really care about others but himself. No, I wouldn’t stay if I were you.

You are right, you are a rebound relationship to him. Just let him think what he wants. I don’t believe you can be friend with your ex. Maybe after a long a period of time, but not the recent one…it is still too fresh. The wound needs to be healed before it develops into a real friendship.

Take good care of your heart. You only have ONE heart and it is fragile, so don’t let it get harden. Don’t believe anyone who says…we are still friends crap!

wundayatta's avatar

Is this person there? I mean, would you be having “feelings” if he wasn’t really there?

I guess what I’m saying is that if you don’t trust your feelings, and you feel you need to, you shouldn’t be in that relationship, nor any other.

If you do trust your feelings, then this guy is here for you, and you should move ahead.

If you don’t trust your feelings, but want to learn to, then go ahead.

If you’re going to use your head to guide your relationships, then you’ll end up in the kind of relationship that is guided by a head. It might be just fine, but I wouldn’t expect any great passion. The head doesn’t know about passion and doesn’t trust it. There are times in life when your feelings should lead.

Having said that, I would say this is a head relationship. You could not ask this question if it weren’t. So bag it. Your head needs perfect safety and rationality. Good luck with that.

Kardamom's avatar

Talk to him briefly and let him know that you really like him and you thought things were moving forward, but let him know that you don’t want to be the third wheel in anyone’s relationship, that you really are looking for a one on one relationship with someone. Re-iterate that you really like him, let him know that you are going away for two weeks and you’d like him to take that time to sort out his feelings and decide what he really does want and that you will talk to him when you get back. Resist the urge to call or text or e-mail him during this two week period. But be aware, that even though he might agree to this and give you some line about “not worrying” he’s likely to hook up with the ex while you are away. Let him, then talk to him when you get back, and if he did hook up with her, then walk away. If he didn’t hook up with her, but still doesn’t know what he wants, walk away. If he didn’t hook up with her, and tells you that he missed you and wants to make it work with you, give him another chance (but always pay attention to any red flags that might pop up). Be nice and calm and polite, but let him know exactly what you are looking for in a relationship, without giving him an ultimatum. That way, he can decide what he really wants and he can’t accuse you of trying to force him into anything. Both of you get to make real choices. Good luck : )

Judi's avatar

If you have to ask the question, you probably already know the answer.

WasCy's avatar

I like @nikipedia‘s answer best. He’s being open and honest with you; don’t punish him (or yourself) for that. By all means be open and honest yourself: tell him that you don’t want to try to build a relationship with him over the unprocessed wreckage of an earlier one. He has to get himself on solid ground before you’ll consider him seriously.

But if your inclination is to “want to” consider him seriously, then it wouldn’t hurt either of you to mention that, would it? I definitely agree that you should “go slow” and let him work out where is is and where he needs / wants to be, by himself, but I do not recommend simply shutting down all possibilities because he has had a breakup.

Where would any of us be in the relationship department if we simply chopped everyone off at the knees who had ever had a failed relationship before the one they had with us? In fact, who among us would be accepted by anyone else if we had to be “the first and only relationship ever”?

chyna's avatar

I’d step back from the relationship and see where he heads when you aren’t there. If he heads to his ex, you were correct in leaving. If he tries to connect with you again, I’d say try it again.

noly's avatar

You should leave, if he is really interested in you, he will go after you.

chewhorse's avatar

it “wasn’t what HE wanted” he said (with a depressed tone).

That should tell you right there. What’chu gonna do when he tells you, “It’s what I want”..? Not what you want, not necessarily even what the ex wants but what HE wants. Expect it if your still around at the time. Of course your happiness is at stake here and my opinion may not be for your benefit at the time, only you have that decision but I can tell you it is his happiness that he’s concerned about.

Seaofclouds's avatar

If I’m understanding your correctly, the ex asked him to get back with her and he told he no, that he didn’t really want to be with her. He was maintaining a friendship with her, but it sounds like she has decided she can’t be just his friend. I can understand him being upset about the lost friendship in some ways.

Since you aren’t even in a relationship with him at this point, why throw away the friendship that you have? I can understand being cautious about entering a relationship if it comes to that, but right now, you are just friends. The older you get, the more history the people you meet are going to have. Personally, I say go see him tomorrow and see how things go.

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