Social Question

Crossroadsgrl's avatar

I'd like to go out with the guy who sold my house when my husband and I divorced. How can I approach this man in an appropriate manner?

Asked by Crossroadsgrl (922points) July 4th, 2011

This is tricky, please be open minded. I was in an emotionally abusive marriage, separated twice, but still hanging on. My husband and I were looking at new homes, while I was still being called names. We have 3 children, I was praying God would work it out…In March of last year, my husband chose our realtor and…well, God may have used this man to “work things out”. Simply, he was kind, had manners, treated me normal, and was attractive. He was also 100% professional, nothing else. Since then, we separated, divorced ( only SOLD the house, did not purchase together ). I never forgot this man and am grateful to him for opening my eyes and getting all of our lives on track. A year has passed, and my ex-husband last Feb hired this same man to help him build his new home. My husband WAS aware I had “feelings” for this man but all of that is too long…I was surprised he hired him but he could easily have alterior motives for doing so, not sure. My question is, over a year has gone by and I’d still like to go out with him. He appears to be single, from his FB. I’m not interested in “friending” him, it’s not real and I’d like all contact if any with him to be genuine. Again, he was only professional towards both of us and I never see him. Is this appropriate now that my ex’s house has closed and they are finished doing business. Advice?? Thoughts??

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21 Answers

aprilsimnel's avatar

I wouldn’t. When you met him you were in a dither, and I suspect your feelings for him now are a holdover from that time. I doubt highly that he’s the only nice guy out there that you could date.

Further, if he is any kind of a professional, and one who is currently doing business with your ex-husband to boot, he would turn you down.

Look for someone not at all in any way, shape of form affiliated with your ex-husband.

Anyway, that’s what I think.

The very fact you had to make a plea in this question for us to be open-minded is your own intuition telling you this isn’t a good idea and you want to ignore it.

zenvelo's avatar

I’d say go for it. But please be realistic that it may or may not be reciprocated. Being a nice, balanced, even handed professional is not the same as having interest in becoming romantically involved.

So don’t pass up a possibility, but be aware it is not likely to succeed.

RealEyesRealizeRealLies's avatar

”...grateful to him for opening my eyes and getting all of our lives on track…”

Stress can cause us to view any event as an act of God. Best if we give credit where credit is due. If your life is back on track now, it is because of your actions, and has nothing to do with the realtor. Don’t credit him with anything but giving you a fantasy to cling upon when everything else was crumbling. You could just as easily found that escape with the landscaping guy or the grocery store bagger.

As far as contacting him… well, life’s too short to wonder shoulda, coulda, woulda. But I give you fair warning. Telling him what you claim here will send him running like a rat from a sinking ship. No intelligent genuine person will step into that kind of a pressured relationship, unless it fits the model that you’ve seen go bad multiple times before. You could easily just be repeating history again.

Crossroadsgrl's avatar

aprilsimnel… :) thanks for the post…actually, I asked for people to be open-minded for some strange reasons OTHER than that : my ex LIKES him, my children LIKE him, we’ve had a friendly divorce and my ex is actually doing VERY well, although yes he IS very controlling. I guess I thought maybe this situation is the very one my ex would handle BEST as far as me dating- if that makes any sense. He KNOWS the guy didn’t make a move, the KNOWS the guy is genuine, a good person, ...has definitely honored HIM, etc. All inital moves would be made by ME not the guy. But I’m hearing you and keeping all thoughts in mind

Aster's avatar

I would hate to see you approach him in any manner at all. For some reason that only the Universe and atoms understand, most of the time when a woman approaches first she gets a bucket of ice water thrown in her face. It’s weird, it’s shocking but it seems to work like that. Men who want you are the ones who seems to crawl out from under the woodwork. Men you’ve never met before. call me uninformed.

Crossroadsgrl's avatar

Zenvelo, ...yes absolutely, it’s been a year and I fully realize he was only doing his job. :) If I never spoke with him again I am still on the right track with my life and my entire family by now is realizing it was for the best.
Why though will it probably NOT succeed? Why does it have to be that way? Is it POSSIBLE that because I handled things maturely for years, we tried everything to keep the marriage together, ...that God could possibly have walked the man in himself to solve several problems??? lol. We hired him “through our insurance company” to get money back and actually interviewed one lady one guy. After speaking to both, my husband said he liked the guy better and that’s how he was hired. It was random.

aprilsimnel's avatar

Your ex’s feelings might change if all of a sudden the guy’s dating his ex-wife. Do you see what I’m saying? I wouldn’t let Mr Adjuster be the only guy I was stepping out with, if you’re that intent on asking him out and he happens to say “Yes.” Shop around!

Crossroadsgrl's avatar

Aster thanks, lol..okay you guys are NOT liking this idea. And I’m sorry to sound so strangely and irrationally “spiritual”, it’s just that I have a strong prayer life/Faith, and truly thought God might have brought two souls together himself who otherwise never would have come into contact. My kids and I hear his name all the time, see the strangest things each week to remind us of him ( again, they really liked him, he had great character ), weird things like that. I understand, it seems STUPID and as if I’ve lost my mind…I just didn’t want to miss out on some Grand thing that was trying to play out for me by being a chicken

Crossroadsgrl's avatar

okay I’ll add this now, if you’re following…
The two guys finished closing and afterward the realtor brought over gift cards in the amount of a check that was supposed to be ours in our FIRST closing. The amount was large, the gift cards were of two sorts, and my ex told me and divided the cards. On a professional level, I was genuinely concerned about why we were receiving these, what exactly was it from I called the realtor. His answer did NOT make sense, first it was a house warming gift, then money from our windows in home #1, it kept changing. He said to me, ” I’m just a g e n e r o u s guy.” in a tone that doubted he believed himself and I found so surprising that I quickly dropped the call, feeling terribly confused. Within minutes, the realtor called my ex and told him I had just called re the gift cards. hmmm WHY? Why call and TELL him? Which I didn’t mind, just found strange on the realtor’s part—as if placing himself in the middle. and YES, he was aware that “something” about him was what triggered the turn of events and the decisions I made and actions I took a year ago

dabbler's avatar

@Crossroadsgrl ..nothing wrong with a strong prayer life. What God was showing might just be that there are people out there who will treat you with respect, and that’s what you deserve (Amen!).
It does not have to be that individual, and the fact that he is doing further business with your ex is an unnecessary complication.
Also you may have a strong appetite for what will turn out to be a rebound relationship, anything is better that the crap you just got out of. Nothing wrong with a bridge relationship, either, it will help you heal. If the realtor is your guy then be sure you don’t use him to work out your pain from the ex.
My 2 cents is that if that relationship with the realtor is in your destiny, give it time and let it get less complicated.

Crossroadsgrl's avatar

thanks, ...I’ve been strong and patient in giving it time. I have no desire to work out any CRAP with this particular man…I’ve already done tons of counseling and am genuinely peaceful strong and happy…great thoughts thank you

dabbler's avatar

Just saw your addendum regarding “gift cards”. That seems pretty weird to me.
That’s a business/legal transaction and monies are due to move between parties or they aren’t.
Some kind of gift?? What, did he reduce his commission? Why would he do that? Was the transaction extraordinarily easy? ā€ Iā€™m just a g e n e r o u s guy.ā€ is unprofessional frankly.

Besides that sounds to me like you have done a lot of healing work and are ready. Best of luck! May you and your perfect partner find each other.

marinelife's avatar

Sure, contact him and ask him out for coffee.

chyna's avatar

If you do contact him, make it very casual. But from the additional part of your story of him calling your ex to report you calling him, don’t be surprised if he calls your ex to report this development.

AshlynM's avatar

It may be too soon to start dating again. I understand your feelings completely. You’re looking for someone who will love and appreciate you for you. I’ve been in your situation before, with an emotionally abusive husband. You may just be looking for someone who will treat you with kindness and respect.

This sounds like a bad situation to me. He already called your ex about your conversation you had with him about the cards. What makes you think he won’t tell your ex anything else you talk about?

If it were me, I’d look elsewhere. Someone who’s not friends with your ex nor associated with him in any way.

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

I don’t understand the “gift part” that sort of sent red flags. Why would your husband hire him again if he knew you were interested in him? Is it to continue manipulating the situation despite your divorce?

If you find him attractive, I would just call him up and say, “John, this is Crossroads. I wanted to thank you for being there during a really difficult time in my life. I was wondering if you would like to grab a cup of coffee this week? Maybe Wednesday (don’t be vague)? I have a little token to give you in appreciation for your help.” Find a motivational book, a positive thinking book….something like that, not expensive and take that. (My best friend is a realtor and she is always reading a lot of motivational material.) Please, please, keep it LIGHT…..don’t have any expectations or throw yourself at him. (Not that you would….okay?) Remember that he is still friends with your ex-husband! And he is not going to upset the apple cart.

I have to say that when you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, meeting a kind man is like getting a drink of water in a desert. Please know that this is part of the attraction for you. He actually was_nice_ to you. The biggest issue for you is to get some counseling/therapy to find your true self again. You have been to Hades and back and that isn’t something you can gloss over by getting involved with a man who seems “nice”. You don’t really know him, after all.

When you find out how magnificent you truly are….then you will know that men are just desserts, not the entrees in life. You deserve good things, good men and a good life. Remember that.

Be good to yourself…be happy, be glorious and thank God for your freedom!

chyna's avatar

@darlingrhadamanthus Saying “I have a little token to give you in appreciation for your help” might give him expectations of a sexual nature. Also, he was selling her a house and being nice and professional. He may not even realize she was going through a difficult time and that may scare him off. He is working for her ex-husband right now and saying anything about her abusive ex might go right back to him. I think if she pursues this, she needs to be totally casual, as in just getting a cup of coffee with an aquaintence without pouring out her heart, soul and past with her ex.

DarlingRhadamanthus's avatar

@chyna….I think you may be right…on this. (Scratch the book part of my answer.)

Crossroadsgrl's avatar

so weeks went by, I did nothing about this…oh I texted him a thank you for the gift cards and left it ALONE. 6 weeks later he signed up for Twitter and within 3–4 days asked to “follow me”. My account wasn’t set up correctly, I haven’t used it in a year, and Twitter sent the email with his name in it. I was of course VERY pleased, and got OVERLY excited, which I knew better, and jumped on it too fast.
In the end, after a few texts to him which were, just too MUCH, I then asked him for coffee the next morning, and he said two things, both of which were no, lol. He said he had “lots of respect for my ex” ( which isn’t earned this is what’s SHOCKING…and probably YES- the very reason my ex hired him again, to manipulate the entire situation even after the divorice, as was mentioned right away ) He also said he was seeing someone, which is totally possible, he’s a handsome, nice guy.
So I got blown off lol, but for some reason, because of the initial connection TO me through Twitter, feel that something is going to come of this LATER. thanks for the thoughts, v e r y helpful, as always is the case here.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

First, thank you for the update. Secondly, darn. I was cheering for this to work out. Here is what I’ve learned…some people can be quite friendly while keeping a distance when it comes to their work environment. It sounds like you are experiencing this.

Crossroadsgrl's avatar

Well crap then~

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