General Question

linguaphile's avatar

Is it better to tell someone they were raped, or keep the information from them (see details)

Asked by linguaphile (14452points) July 7th, 2011

If a girl was completely unaware that she had been sexually taken advantage of during a blackout- would it be better to:
1. Tell her because she needs to get medical attention (or for any other reason)
2. NOT tell her and help her avoid the emotional trauma that would most likely follow?

I was following another thread—it brought this question to mind and I didn’t want to derail that thread, so am creating a new question. I realize many factors might come up, but am curious what others have to say.

This is only for rhetorical/discussion purposes, nothing else—I’m not asking for any advice :)

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91 Answers

JLeslie's avatar

Because of the health risks better to tell. If there were no risks regarding STD’s and pregnancy then I would probably say don’t tell. Maybe. Not sure.

Bellatrix's avatar

I think the woman has to be told. She was assaulted and it would be morally wrong to keep that information from her. What if the perpetrator was found and it then comes out? How do you go to this woman years later perhaps and say, oh… you were raped in 2011. Or as @JL said, she suffers some sort of health issues because of the rape. She could also at some point have flashbacks to the event and be traumatised because she has no knowledge of what happened or if she is imagining this event she keeps seeing.

everephebe's avatar

Depends on the details of course, on the girl and the situation. Interesting question. I don’t know if something like that should be swept under the rug. Denial of fact is probably worse than statement of fact in the end. I would very likely opt for #1.

Vunessuh's avatar

Of course she needs to know. What if she wants to take some type of legal action? What about diseases and pregnancy? Even if these things didn’t exist, I would still tell her because she should be made aware of the violations done to her body and her life. There are many choices she needs to consider and make for her benefit.

JLeslie's avatar

Sometimes knowing isn’t the best thing. If she is wondering, meaning she knows she blacked out, woke up in a strange place, wonders what happened during this lapse in time, then she has to be told in my opinion.

Aethelflaed's avatar

Knowing isn’t necessarily good, but it’s not the place of whomever knows the truth to decide which is better for that woman. She needs to be told for health reasons and in case she wasn’t entirely unconscious and might be traumatized by it. It’s better to get the healing started now than have to start later as well as deal with the knowledge that not only was she raped, but it was hidden from her and she cannot trust those around her to come forth with whatever painful knowledge they might have. Ignorance may be bliss, but only with knowledge can you find true peace and contentment. Telling is the lesser of two evils here.

Bellatrix's avatar

Rape is a crime. The person raped is a victim of a crime. They have to be told the crime occurred. The person can then receive therapy and help to deal with the crime. If the person isn’t informed, how is the crime investigated or because she doesn’t remember, should the crime be brushed under the carpet?

Vunessuh's avatar

@JLeslie Sometimes knowing you’ve been raped isn’t the best thing? What?
If she’s not made aware, then how could she make the choice to better protect herself in the future? How could she make the choice to not trust that person in the future? How could she make the choice to see a doctor about a disease? How could she make the choice to see a doctor about a pregnancy? How could she make any legal choices?

Rape is a crime. You would be keeping a crime and an incredibly personal violation against another person, a secret. I could never do that to anyone.

Hibernate's avatar

Better not . If problems occur then it’s a must but it’s better to keep the info hidden not to cause problems or inconveniences .
It’s a way of brushing away the crime but it’s better not to know the whole truth.
Most of the time truth hurts more than lies so avoiding ALL THE TRUTH should be a good thing.

my 2 cents .

Bellatrix's avatar

@Hibernate what if she knows her rapist as @Vunessuh suggested? What if she ends up in their company again alone but has no idea they raped her? Would that be better? What if the person who committed the rape is a serial rapist and goes on to rape other women and by telling this woman she could provide information that might have led to his capture? She might not remember the rape, but she could remember things leading up to that situation that would identify her rapist.

If it was your wife or daughter and the rapist was someone she knew, would you want her to be kept in the dark and potentially be in harms way again? Or would you want her to know so she could be careful. Most rapes are carried out by people known to the victim.

Aethelflaed's avatar

@Hibernate How would you know if problems arise if the victim isn’t aware she should be on the lookout?

Vunessuh's avatar

I am astounded that anyone would think it is okay to not inform someone if they’ve been raped. If I found out years later that I was raped unbeknownst to me, and my friends knew about it, I would be fucking pissed and beyond betrayed. Emotional trauma can be worked through and has the potential to heal over time. Catching an incurable disease is permanent.
You would be withholding information that they need to make beneficial choices for themselves, regardless of whether or not they remember anything that happened. This is not your life. It is theirs and what has been done, has been done to them, not you. Do the right thing.

Hibernate's avatar

Self esteem drops a lot when being raped [ I kn ow this because I have friends who suffered from stress after ] . And all said they’d better not know it happened .
Not to mention that if someone was raped and you either witnessed it or found from someone else it’s your job to do something about it . I had a female friend and she was raped by another friend .. I beat the crap out of that guy when I found out and told him never to do it again n’or stick in the same place [ with the girl ] for too long or I’d repeat the beating . We are now good friends and he thank me for straighten him out .

If it’s a serial rapist .. I do wonder how would you know someone got raped by him ? Not to mention that after the rape why do you not pursue this by legal actions ? If it’s a serial one you will find a lot of other victims .

Then it’s the emotional trauma aspect . How many of you worked out real trauma ? Good , most of you dealt with it .. but how about those who aren’t strong enough ? You can ruin their life . This is just an aspect .

@Vunessuh good. It’s their life . Then let them take care of themselves . It’s not their fault they got raped but some neglect to take good care of themselves .

The right thing to do in this situations is never the right thing one does . If i tell I can start other issues. If I do not tell I do harm by not telling . Which one is worst ? Both cause harm .

@Bellatrix if it’s in my powers I take actions [ and before legal pursuit or beat the crap of that guy I talk to him to at least understand what started that behaviour in him . Someone could have abused him and he feels like doing the same ] .

This issue cannot be solve easy . People most times use ” forgive and forget ” One does forgive but NEVER forgets . It’s better not to know what happened so you don’t have to confront the forgetting part .

P.S. Excuse my writing and grammar .


If the girl wasn’t hurt in any way, I wouldn’t tell her. Telling her would just cause trouble for her, and she doesn’t need that.

Aethelflaed's avatar

@Hibernate I was raped. I would be truly horrified and deeply wounded if I found out someone had not shared info with me on the subject and in fact, I was, and ended a friendship over it. Yes, I’ve worked through most of the trauma, as well as other traumas, and spend quite a good bit of time researching the issue of trauma itself. It’s rather easy when the wound is still fresh to think that it’d be easier if you didn’t know; this is not entirely accurate, but rather it would be better if it had never happened. I would never ask you to beat up my rapist, and would be pissed at you if you did; I do not need your saving and can fight my own battles alongside my law enforcement. The help I would ask of you as my friend would not be to straighten my rapist out, but rather to offer moral support and a good helping of hugs. I promise you, it is so much better for me to know and be able to take some control of the aftermath than to constantly be in the dark.

Bellatrix's avatar

@Hibernate what if you were the rape victim? What if you are out with your friend and having a few drinks and then you remember nothing. During the time you are blacked out, your friend rapes you. You wouldn’t want to know? You would rather pretend it didn’t happen? Now all your friends are keeping the fact you were raped from you, you might just go out with that bloke again and he will sodomise you again, but hey… at least you won’t be traumatised by the first experience. And of course your friends have dealt with the man by giving him a bit of a hiding, but they are still his mates. After all they dealt with it for you. It is water under the bridge now.

As to your response that you beating the crap out of the person who raped your friend would in some way absolve them of their crime OR make the victim feel better, I am a bit flabbergasted by that. I hope you got the woman some professional help too. I am glad you are now friends with the guy who committed a rape and got away with a bit of a hiding from you too. Hope you can be absolutely assured he won’t rape some other poor woman that you don’t know and he thinks you won’t ever find out about?

As to the possibility of someone being a serial rapist, your friend could be their first victim. There can’t be any legal response if she doesn’t know she was raped. Should we really take the chance that there could be more to follow? I don’t believe in vigilante behaviour.

I am astounded that you are still friends with the guy who raped this woman you knew.

Vunessuh's avatar

@Hibernate Do you honestly think rape is more valid and warranted just because a woman drinks too much and passes out on a couch? I don’t give a shit whether she’s “neglected” herself or not. DON’T RAPE HER.
Everybody wants to focus on telling people how not to get raped. Nobody wants to focus on telling people to just not fucking rape. I don’t care what she’s wearing, how much she had to drink, what her history is, whether or not the rumors are true, how vulnerable she is, etc. If they did not give consent, don’t rape her. If they change their mind in the middle of intercourse, don’t rape her. Making excuses for the rapist and blaming the victim is pretty disgusting. I don’t care what kind of a person she is. Whether she’s promiscuous or not, if she is unconscious or has not given consent for anyone to touch her, then DON’T.

Hypocrisy_Central's avatar

Fact from fiction, truth from diction. This is a no-brainer, she has to be told. Here is why:
• She could have been slipped something that put her out.
• The perp might have taken photos that could end up who knows where, and she might discover it one day.
• If she discovers later that you knew she had been raped but didn’t think to tell her, how would she trust anything you said when you didn’t care enough to tell her something like that?
• She might want to take legal action.
• It might put a stop to the perp so there isn’t dozen more victims until he/she is stopped.
• As said before pregnancy and STD concerns.
• She could have been damaged inside leading to infection(s) that could be life threatening.
• If everone knew but she did not, she might wonder why she was treated differently or looked at funny.
• The perp having gotten away with it, might try to come back for ”seconds”.

To simply say do not tell her because she will feel embarrassed. Would she be any less embarrassed if a year later pics surface of her all sprawled put naked on some sofa or bed with man milk all over her belly and chest with everyone having got a good laugh all that time behind her back, under her nose?

Plucky's avatar

@MRSHINYSHOES I completely disagree. What you said, and how you said it, bothers me in so many ways. I am unable to say much more regarding that at the moment. I’ll end up regretting what I post.

As for the rest, if the rape is recent, I agree with those that say the woman should be told for various reasons. She has every right to be told. Period.

Cruiser's avatar

I would want to know so I could pummel that person into the ground the next time they came within a 1000 yards of me plus I would want to get tested for STD’s. ;)

janbb's avatar

I can’t believe there wouldn’t be physical evidence that would make her aware that something happened. In any case, I would think there is a moral obligation to tell her and help her deal with the consequences.

Seelix's avatar

I would want to know, for health reasons and in order to take legal action. That’s the kind of “secret” that has a way of coming out eventually – I’d much rather find out at the time than have it come up years later.

WasCy's avatar

I suppose there might be special circumstances that could make me do otherwise, but I can’t imagine not telling the girl. For one thing, the reason for the blackout needs to be addressed, whether it was a medical condition of hers, or excessive drinking that she did on her own, then those are things that need to be addressed between her and her doctor. And if she was drugged first, then she needs to understand how that happened so that she can avoid that in the future, too.

And then there’s the issue of this person close to her who is a rapist, of course. Got to address that, as well.

redfeather's avatar

Ummm… Absolutely tell her. Some of you are saying “if she wasn’t hurt, don’t tell her” Forget that. Are you a gyno? Did you inspect her? Does she have an STD? Is she pregnant? You don’t know. Nevermind those reasons, the rapist is getting away and will probably rape someone again. You should definitely tell, not sweep it under the rug and keep it as your dirty little secret. Ugh. Can’t believe how many people said they wouldn’t tell.

poisonedantidote's avatar

Because of STD’s I am forced to tell the person, however I would find it very tempting to not tell them, specially if I thought it would cause them trauma.

I’m guessing there is no way I can manipulate someone in to getting tested for STD’s, it’s too unusual. However, that would probably be the first thing I try to do.

Ideally, I would like to just take care of the revenge my self, and leave my friend with easy memories, for some reason, rape seems much worse to me if the person is passed out or drunk or something. Not getting the chance to fight back adds another level or two to it.

The thing I’m wondering, is how I know she/he was raped, and do I know who. If I know who that makes it a lot easier for me to tell the the person, because I can aprehend the person responsible and bring them to her.

Kayak8's avatar

Often the only person with knowledge of the rape is the rapist . . . . most criminals are not advised to warn their victims of a crime about which the victim may have no knowledge (particularly if there are long term consequences for the perpetrator).

I think young females with a propensity to over-indulge may want to be proactive and seek STD screenings on a regular basis as it may be the ONLY way she will ever know she has been exposed.

SuperMouse's avatar

First lurve and kudos to @Hypocrisy Central and @Was Cy for knowing and sharing how to do the right thing here.

Second, deep breath the very first time I ever drank alcohol I passed out and was raped. Although no one ever told me it was very obvious to me what had happened. You can give all the lip service you want to the fact that th victim would be oblivious but believe me, she wouldn’t be. If a rapist makes the choice to take advantage of a girl in a compromised state he is a sorry specimen of human. If he wants to pretend it didn’t happen he is even lower. If friends are aware of it and don’t say anything not only are they reprehensible, they are accomplices.

We can make all the excuses we want to not tell her, but the victim must be told.

JLeslie's avatar

@Vunessuh Since it is completely impossible today to not worry about an STD, I would always tell. But, if there was some way, in a fantasy, that STD’s did not exist, and she was oblivious, I might not. Maybe. I said at the top maybe, not sure. All the poits you make about her knowing so she knows to steer clear of that guy, I agree, I would tell her then, it depends on the situation if she knew the guy.

Some women do not work it through well and are fucked up psychologically for a long time or for life.

It would just depend on the particular situation. But, as I said because of STD’s and pregnancy I would wind up telling her no matter what. Rape victims are usually given a cocktail of antibiotics for profilactic reasons and the morning after pill.

JLeslie's avatar

@SuperMouse Of course if she is aware something happened, and I would assume 99% of the time the girl knows something happened, she should be told what did happen if anyone has details. Would the friends need to be the ones to make the first move and tell her? Or, would she go to her friends trying to find out what happened to her? Who she was with? Probably the friends did not witness the actual sex right?

SuperMouse's avatar

If I knew, or even suspected that a friend had been raped I would share the information – no doubt about it. Like I said, I knew something bad had happened and suspected I had been raped but I was young and terrified and honestly did not have the vocabulary or life experience to discuss it, so there was no way I was going to tell a single soul. It was years and years before I even faced it myself and dealt with the trauma. In retrospect I wish the nerve to tell someone because by not doing so it might have empowered a predator to do it again. All I knew that I shouldn’t have had that drink and I would have been in huge trouble if anyone found out I had.

JLeslie's avatar

@SuperMouse Oh, how awful. I assume by what you are saying it was high school, I was picturing college in my mind. Sorry you went through such a horrible experience. But, how would someone else know unless they witnessed it? And, if they were witnessing it why didn’t they stop it?

JLeslie's avatar

@SuperMouse Pretty much most of the people I know raped in a similar circumstance, or how I assume the situation happened from what you have said, nothing happened to those men. Either the girl never told anyone, or the girl told her parents, and they decided to not do anything. Probably now, 2011, people would be more likely to do something.

SuperMouse's avatar

I had a friend there as well. Judging by what she told me about this boy’s behavior and what they did afterward, there is no doubt in my mind she knew something happened as well. Unfortunately we were same age and she probably didn’t have the courage or even the ability to articulate what happened either.

JLeslie's avatar

@SuperMouse Is there any part of you that wishes you had no awareness at all that it happened? I have a relative who takes medication to try and reduce the trauma and memory of some experiences she has had. Medical Doctors use the drug for military persons also to avoid PTSD. Some argue blocking the memory is not “right.” However, absence of memory, our foggy memories, sometimes protect us I guess.

SuperMouse's avatar

@JLeslie as to whether it might be different now, I hope so. I had been taught about “stranger danger” and all kinds of other horrible things that
could happen to me, but I
honestly don’t remember being
warned about rape. I
remember nor even knowing
the definition of the word and
looking it up in the dictionary. I
was being raised by a single
father by that point so maybe
if my mom had been around it
would have been different.

I don’t wish I didn’t remember. It happened and it is part of what makes me who I am. It also gives me a point of reference to impart some life skills on my boys they might not have had otherwise. You can be certain those boys will know that no means no and if a potential sexual partner is unable to answer the question it also means no.

JLeslie's avatar

@SuperMouse I am 43 and knew what rape was from a very young age, had been told. I can see how being raised by only a dad might mean it was never discussed. I think if I put myself back in my mind at a very young age, I might have said nothing also. Not sure. I think if I had said something to my mom she would have done nothing, maybe told me something like, “ok, I know it is upsetting, but it is over now and you are ok.” And, if my dad knew he might have killed someone, definitely call the police, unless my mom talked him out of it.

SuperMouse's avatar

@JLeslie, I am fairly certain that if I had told my dad it would not have been pretty for the boy involved. As it was I never told anyone until I was well into my 20’s and told a therapist.

JLeslie's avatar

@SuperMouse Well, I always like to hear parents are teaching their boys about treating girls well, and not just parents telling their girls to say no. What if you had told your dad, and he turned it into a big thing? Police, got you therapy, do you think it would have been better? Or, are you glad nothing was done back then in retrospect?

Trojans40's avatar

Depends on the girl/woman. It depends on their Self-Esteem, their opinion of rape itself, and how it would affect them with what they will or could do do in the long run.

It also about respect and how much you care about the woman. You tell the woman because you don’t care too much about how it could affect her and let her worry on her own. You just wanted to get it off your chest so you don’t have to deal with the guilt by yourself. If you have respect, then you don’t tell her mainly because you care about her and leave her future untouched by a dirty action that was done.

JilltheTooth's avatar

I’m sorry that I can’t link but I read a study once about the fact that most times someone is passed out from drugs or alcohol, they do have an awareness of being sexually assaulted. Mostly they don’t remember it consciously, but the subconscious has the record. Psychological and emotional recovery from that takes at least twice as long. The victims, when hypnotized, were often then able to remember the trauma and work through it. It is much more damaging to keep the information from the victim.

JilltheTooth's avatar

@Trojans40 : Considering your last Q, I’m not surprised at your post, but I’m a little appalled that you have so little respect for this person you supposedly love that you choose to make decisions for her about how she should deal with what has happened to her.

SuperMouse's avatar

@JLeslie, I don’t know how my dad would have handled it. I could see him taking matters into his own hands and I could see him going through the
proper channels. I don’t
honestly know which he would
have done. I do know that a
boy was bugging me once and
the next time he came over my
father led him straight through
the house to the backyard. I
watched outthe window as
they talked for a couple of
minutes. The boy walked back
though the house, out the front
door without lifting his head,
and I never saw him or heard
a word from him again.

@Jillthetooth, I think that in addition to the sub-conscious memory, the victim would know physically that something had happened. Forced penetration would be pretty traumatic mo matter the circumstances.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Of course she should be told!

Neizvestnaya's avatar

She should be told and given the opportunity to do what is needed for herself.

linguaphile's avatar

I appreciate all your answers, discussion and depth—thank you!!

Kardamom's avatar

Any woman, who you suspect or know to have been raped, should be told as soon as possible. But you should be respectful of her feelings and take her to a private, safe place to tell her and not just blurt it out in public or if she’s driving or if she’s at school or at work. You should be very respectful of her privacy and try to be discreet when you tell her and then offer to help her get to a doctor and get checked out for pregnancy, STD’s or physical damage to her body.

@Trojans40 I was trying to give you the benefit of the doubt on the other thread, where you mention that you had sex with a very drunk young woman. But I think it’s pretty crappy that you, for your own selfish reasons, would not tell a young lady that she had been raped. And then trying to pass it off as though it’s in her best interest. What if the raped woman was your own mother or your sister, would you want any witnesseses to that rape to just keep it to themselves? I would hope that you, as a man, would want to find that rapist and press charges against him.

I still think the situation with @Trojans40 is a gray area bordering on date rape, and I know that a lot of jellies think that he is completely guilty of rape. I hope he has the decency and the balls to do the right thing.

chyna's avatar

I think the woman should be told because of pregnancy, disease, etc as everyone has stated. Also, the low life that did something like this as @Trojans40 did and wants exhonerated, should be put out there for all other women to beware of. If he can do this to his best friend and try to shrug it off, even blame others for having “low self-esteem” and somehow deserving of being raped, I think charges should be brought against him before he does it again.

Trojans40's avatar

@chyna @Kardamom There are different types of rape. There are one with Force, Gang Rape, Date Rape, Age Rape, Work Rape, Threaten Rape and so much more. My situation is not rape because I was under the influence. It was more of adultery, cheating, and the covering up. Someone, not pointing fingers blow up the portions and everyone kind of followed suit.

But I agree with being realistic, that all the rapist should tell their victims what they did to the victims. The traumatize victim then goes all out on charges and let the rapist take all the blame. even thou the victims sometimes deserved it. The rapists goes to jail and get rape by a murderer. More than once. The victim then goes around saying how serious rape is and her “blown out of portion” about rape eat her emotions because she was a simply a victim.

Or, the victim that wasn’t aware of what happen can either wonder if something did happen or not. Continue on with her life. The rapist will either shrug it off or brag about it, like @chyna said, a low-life. Or a different kind of rapist will live in their own guilt knowing what they did was a mistake, and make a promise to help back in anyway and never brag about it or mention about.

Not all rapist are low-life either. Sometimes it just because the rapist are emotionally compromise that they can’t to separate themselves from reality. Ex. Like a teacher that just lost her husband. Then a teenage boy comes along and ask what wrong. The teacher needing someone to express her feelings ask the boy to go for coffee. The teenage boy says okay and then the teacher goes to jail because of simply they were going out for coffee.
Or how about the couple of kids, age 16 and a 18 that been dating for 3 years that are in deep love. Finally get busted on the 3rd act of sexuality that the 18 becomes sex offender for life. Move too close to a school, or day care center. The SO find themselves in the backseat of a police car. Heading off to jail praying that they don’t drop that soap.

I Agree that all rapist should tell their victims that the rapist rape them without the victim knowledge or the “yes or no”.

chyna's avatar

@trojans40 “even thou the victims sometimes deserved it.” I can’t believe you just said that. You are truly delusional in the part you played in all that mess. That’s all I’m going to say because I will say things to you that may get me kicked off of here and you are not worth it.

Bellatrix's avatar

@Trojans40, your friend was so drunk she was vomiting and apparently does not remember what happened between you and her. She was therefore not in a condition to give consent. You on the other hand, were sober enough to recognise you were being observed, to try to cover up your crime by suggesting nothing was going on and remember the whole situation in enough detail to describe it here. You my dear raped your friend. You can sugar coat it if you want, but it is what it is.

As to degrees of rape. If you have sex with a person who does not consent, it is rape. Whether violence occurs, whether it occurs on a date, regardless of age, it is rape. Stop kidding yourself.

Aethelflaed's avatar

@Trojans40 So the rape that happens in jail is worse than the rape that put them in jail? Look, I’m all for improving prison conditions, but you know what the difference is? The rapist could have prevented going to jail by not raping the original victim. I’m sorry, but with this attitude that not only do victims deserve to be raped and are to blame for it, but that they’re doing something wrong by reporting the crime and getting help which then lands the rapist in jail, I’m kinda hoping the woman you raped turns you in.

Kayak8's avatar

@Trojans40 There certainly are different types of rape, but they are all considered rape under the law (sometimes with aggravating circumstances). Your situation is rape regardless of whether you were under the influence or not. I don’t know what “portions” means in your comment, but I simply pointed out that what you did is rape under the law.

If you think rapists should tell their victims, I encourage you to do so (but be prepared to suffer the consequences and ramifications of your actions. @plethora and I both tried to discourage you from sharing your behavior with your victim without seeking legal counsel first. My doing so was because you asked your question in the general section and I was being fair by warning you that you could be placing yourself in a legal quagmire and @plethora pointed out that you could have LONG-TERM consequences from your actions—being required to report yourself as a sexual criminal for the rest of your life.

Now that I hear you think women deserved to be raped, I am mad at myself for offering you a fair and reasoned answer. No woman EVER “deserves” to be raped. You sound upset that the rapist gets all the blame—REALLY? Are you nuts?

In a perfect world, your victim would press charges and you would go to prison for your admitted actions. After your prison experience, then you can tell me that some people DESERVE to be raped. Inmates don’t embrace child molesters or rapists, so you had better hope that your victim/best friend remains unaware of your actions and you don’t go to prison for your behavior. Otherwise you might find that other criminals agree with your mindset that some people DESERVE to be raped.

Because I do not share the belief that anyone deserves rape, I offered you reasoned commentary on your question. For your sake, I really hope that your arrogance about your behavior (you raped your best friend . . .) does not place you in a position (bent over) with people who share your views about rape.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

I find it shocking that there is even a doubt as to whether or not you should let someone know they were raped! I can’t believe this bullshit I am reading.
How is it ok to not let someone know they were violated??? Is it alright to let a God damned rapist roam the earth to harm others??
Do the right thing!
This is the most appalling thread I have seen here yet!
Weak,disgusting and sickening.

“All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.”
Edmund Burke
Get it???
@Trojans40-You would be in deep shit.

JLeslie's avatar

@lucillelucillelucille I love that quote, always have. When I answered the question I was not thinking about the perpetrator at all.

lucillelucillelucille's avatar


Porifera's avatar

@Trojans40 is dellusional and since it seems that he is not going to come clean about his actions with his friends or even with a lawyer, he should at least seek professional help. He is in complete denial and can’t see clearly, and given the opportunity he will do it again if he doesn’t get help ASAP. He talks in third person about rapists, but he is clearly referring to himself. In his last line he claims I Agree that all rapist should tell their victims that the rapist rape them without the victim knowledge or the “yes or no”. yet he is not acting upon this when he is clearly in the same predicament. His problem is not going to get any better, on the contrary, it will escalate. He is in a very serious state of mind.

Vunessuh's avatar

@JLeslie I do not agree that it “depends” on the situation as to whether or not a person should be informed of what has happened to them. I do not agree that there are exceptions. There aren’t just a few reasons why a person needs to know if they’ve been raped. It’s not just about diseases and pregnancy and whether or not she knew the person who raped her. The latter doesn’t even make sense because regardless of who raped her, she was still raped! Why should she not know just because the rapist was a stranger? There are a slew of reasons to inform someone and choosing to ignore any or all of them because it’s best to protect her emotional state is complete and utter bullshit and incredibly harmful in itself.


You, of all people, need to read the following:
(The author is unknown, but I found this via @Fiddle_Playing_Creole_Bastard).

A lot has been said about how to prevent rape. Women should learn self-defense. Women should lock themselves in their houses after dark. Women shouldn’t have long hair and women shouldn’t wear short skirts. Women shouldn’t leave drinks unattended. Fuck, they shouldn’t dare to get drunk at all.

Instead of that bullshit, how about:

If a woman is drunk, don’t rape her. If a woman is walking alone at night, don’t rape her. If a women is drugged and unconscious, don’t rape her. If a woman is wearing a short skirt, don’t rape her. If a woman is jogging in a park at 5AM, don’t rape her. If a woman looks like your ex-girlfriend you’re still hung up on, don’t rape her. If a woman is asleep in her bed, don’t rape her. If a woman is asleep in your bed, don’t rape her. If a woman is doing her laundry, don’t rape her. If a woman is in a coma, don’t rape her. If a woman changes her mind in the middle of or about a particular activity, don’t rape her. If a woman has repeatedly refused a certain activity, don’t rape her. If a woman is not yet a woman, but a child, don’t rape her. If your girlfriend or wife is not in the mood, don’t rape her. If your step-daughter is watching TV, don’t rape her.

If you break into a house and find a woman there, don’t rape her. If your friend thinks it’s okay to rape someone, tell him it’s not, and that he’s not your friend. If your “friend” tells you he raped someone, report him to the police. If your frat-brother or another guy at the party tells you there’s an unconscious woman upstairs and it’s your turn, don’t rape her, call the police and report him as a rapist.

Tell your sons, god-sons, nephews, grandsons, and sons of friends that it’s not okay to rape someone.

Don’t just tell your women friends how to be safe and avoid rape. Don’t imply that she could have avoided it if she’d only done/not done x, y, or z. Don’t imply that it’s in any way her fault. Don’t let silence imply agreement when someone tells you he “got some” with the drunk girl. Don’t perpetuate a culture that tells you that you have no control over or responsibility for your actions. You, too, can help yourself. Rape is not about sex, it’s about control and power, and what kind of power comes from taking advantage of others? No power anyone should ever desire.” – unknown.

Plucky's avatar

@Trojans40 I can’t believe you even dare stick your head in this thread after you, yourself, raped someone. Then, you dare state, even thou the victims sometimes deserved it. Disgusting. I can’t say much more without getting myself into trouble. Just.. ugh.

JLeslie's avatar

@Vunessuh I’ll just say that I 100% believe that stranger rape and knowning the person rape are all rape. I don’t want you to think I consider date rape less of a violation or that it is not violent, all rapes are an assault in my opinion. Not being able to consent (drunk, passed out, etc) is the same as saying “no” to me, and no is no, and sex with that person is against her will and rape in my book.

You might be very right. I was open to hearing opinions. I just personally know someone very close to me whose life is so fucked from having been raped, and some other bad incidents with idiot men that luckily did not go to that level. Anyway, I cannot help but wonder if she had not been aware during the rape if maybe she would be better off. Please don’t jump all over me, I am very willing to listen to any thoughts you have about it, and I certainly am not trying to protect any of these men.

chyna's avatar

@Leslie Really? You think just because someone is blissfully unaware they were raped they will be better off? There is no way that makes sense to me. Some idiot out there took pictures of the event. If it comes up on the internet in a year or so, she is going to be more traumatized.

Response moderated (Personal Attack)
Kayak8's avatar

@Kardamom Maybe the rape doesn’t count because it was his “best friend!” Now there’s a friend for ya . . . unreal!

JLeslie's avatar

@chyna I would never use blissful. Yes, this particular person takes the medication that is supposed to alter memory. Many people who go through traumas try to dampen their memory with drugs and alcohol. I don’t see why it is so offensive to contemplate the option. What would be helpful would be to know if the person would want to know. There have been studies of people who survived the holocaust. Some never talked about it again and moved forward. Some got therapy to deal with the trauma. The studies showed that neither was much more effective, it mattered more on the person and how they handle things best, what they needed to move forward. I know that is a little apples and oranges, but my point is there seems to be a big push of late for awareness and digging up the past and talking things through, and I am one of those people, I need to talk and talk until I am done, but for others the talking never stops, and the tape stays playing in their heads, and they can never shut it off, never find peace.

JilltheTooth's avatar

@JLeslie : After posting here earlier, I kept thinking about this thread, then called a friend of mine who is a therapist. Again, I can’t provide links, but she told me that women who have been raped while under the influence of drugs (roofies especially) and alcohol carry a much harsher psychological burden from that if they have no conscious awareness of it, because they have no starting point from which to start dealing and healing. No one can speak to every person’s experience, of course, but she told me that in the trauma counseling world, conscious awareness of an event is the jumping off point for coping. Even if one then chooses to bury the memory, one has made the choice to do so, thereby regaining some of the power.

TexasDude's avatar

@Trojans40 everyone here has already pretty much given you the go-around, but as a fellow male, I cannot in good conscience let you go on thinking that any rape victim somehow “deserves it.” To put it succinctly you are wrong. Rape should not be used as a weapon or a punishment under any circumstances. To do so is completely and utterly reprehensible and worthy of a severe ass beating, at the least, in my humble opinion.

I’ve read up a bit on your situation, as I’m sure most others around here have, and I have some earnest advice for you. The hole has already been dug and nobody but you can get out of it. You need to take responsibility for your actions and come clean and you need to seek legal counsel. Prior to all that, I’d suggest you work on this attitude of yours that some rape victims somehow deserve their trauma. You won’t get very far in life with a fucked up belief like that. Rape is never excusable in any way and no victim is deserving of what happened to them. I am not trying to be patronizing or to sound like a hardass, but I had to add my two pennies to this discussion and help you. Go back and read the list I once quoted that @Vunessuh re-posted. Think long and hard about it, and hopefully re-evaluate your conceptions of right and wrong and what is deserved and what isn’t. Then, I’d suggest seeking legal counsel, as others have suggested, as well as a therapist to help you handle what you will be dealing with.

As I said before, you have to take responsibility for your actions.

JilltheTooth's avatar

I wish @Vunessuh had posted that list not in whisper. I think it should be tattooed on everyone who has a “they deserved it” attitude.

Sounds like @Trojans40 has no intention of taking responsibility.

chyna's avatar

@JilltheTooth Hopefully he is off talking to his ex best friend that he raped and trying to make amends.

Vunessuh's avatar

@JLeslie After being raped unbeknownst to you, the numerous other issues that have the potential to surface and/or worsen over time because you couldn’t make choices to benefit yourself, is considerably worse than enduring emotional trauma. You could stop an unwanted pregnancy. You could literally lengthen your life by being diagnosed sooner rather than later with a disease. You could take legal action to stop the perpetrator in the future from harming YOU or others. There are so many good, beneficial choices you can make and I can’t imagine any person wanting to give up that power and control over their lives because of being emotionally affected by the experience.

JLeslie's avatar

@Vunessuh I don’t think you have read my answers completely. We actually agree on almost everything you just wrote. I want to add I personally don’t know anyone who has been raped that the man wound up having a consequence. Not that it is a reason to take that right away from someone to do something about it if they are raped. Everyone I know who has been raped was a date rape or party rape, and was not drug induced by a man slipping them a drug, but rather they drank to excess, or a man forced himself on her during a date. Oh, and one was a pedophile who lived in the same building.

@JilltheTooth But, that person must be aware at some level? Woke up knowing something happened a minimum. How would anyone know what happened to her? If my friend was drugged at a bar and raped, how would I know to tell her unless I witnessed it? If I witnessed it I hope I did something to stop it? Or, am I tied up and forced to watch during this whole thing?

I guess maybe I am thinking of a wish that is impossible anyway.

@all I appreciate all of the opinions, I am not trying to convince anyone of my opinion, it is not based on anything except watching people suffer with their own memories. Plus, knowing that our minds sometimes fog over without medication, a coping mechanism. You have to wonder if it is maybe a bit of grace that spares the person. I know we are talking about drug induced memory loss, but still it makes me wonder thats all. Some of my worst years in my life are somewhat of a fog, and it’s ok with me. It isn’t the same as a rape though, I am not comparing.

Hibernate's avatar

@Aethelflaed I’m sorry for you .

@Bellatrix and @Vunessuh All I want from you is to understand I share gained knowledge from going thru this . If one hadn’t participated from this personally or does not have close friends whom they could observe well…. it’s easy to misinterpret ideas one gains from movies and books .

@Bellatrix I sill am friends with that guy because he deserved another chance . If all of us will punish everyone around from first mistake there people won’t be able to rehabilitate.

This discussion is good when people [ AT LEAST ] try to understand and listen to what others feel and write . Because people could just stick to their opinion and if another’s differ then .. [ you know what ] . Not everyone is the same . In the end not only the result counts .

And again .. sorry for writings and grammar .

Bellatrix's avatar

@Hibernate, I thank you for your response, but I can absolutely assure you my understanding of how a rape victim might feel does not come from watching films or reading books. I wish that was the case.

As to the friend who is a rapist, I don’t think rape is a mistake. It is a crime. If your friend was abused, he might need help but I don’t think beating him up is going to resolve his problems and unless you are a psychologist, I don’t think you are qualified to rehabilitate rapists.

I do however appreciate your honest response.

Aethelflaed's avatar

@Hibernate At least one in six women will be raped. It’s not like it’s a rare thing that most of us only experience through the media. Most people have first-hand knowledge of it, either from being raped or from being close to someone who was.

manolla's avatar

I have the right to know if my body was violated to take what ever action I find necessary, I doubt that someone who really cares about me would hide that fact from me, if for whatever reason wasn’t able to prevent it from happening in the first place.

Hibernate's avatar

@Aethelflaed maybe 1 in 6 in the US not here where I live .. there are rapes here too but not that often [ maybe one in 30 womens or so maybe even less ] not to mention these are obvious rapes .

@Bellatrix I was saying that toward Vanessa since she’s the youngest from those who said I was looking bad toward the “deed” . And since the deed toked place several decades ago and he didn’t repeat the action I believe he tried his best to straighten out . [ he had competent psychological help too ] .

@manolla yes you have the right to know WHEN you at least try to take care of yourself . I do not support rape while being drugged without one noticing it but let’s be serious .. when going to a party you take at least a friend with you to look for you once in a while .
Then there’s another way of seeing this . Whoever is your true friend wouldn’t let you get out of his/her eyesight .

In any case this situation brings up a lot of issues and when it does take place nobody takes it cool and rush into actions .. depends on the person .

chyna's avatar

@Hibernate She did take her “best friend” with her to watch out for her. HE RAPED HER.

Aethelflaed's avatar

@Hibernate Where do you live?

manolla's avatar

@Hibernate while I agree that I should try to take care of my self and if possible have a friend with me while parting to watch out for me, that doesn’t change the fact that if I don’t, violating my body and hiding that fact from me is unjustifiable no matter what.

And I can’t even believe that I have to explain this, this whole thread just makes me feel soo sad!!

JLeslie's avatar

@Hibernate I really have a hard time believing a man who would rape a woman is completely reformed or a good stand up gentleman now. I do believe people can change, but it is so fucked up to force anyone to do anything. Someone really has to have something missing mentally to do such a thing. I would guess he has other sociopathic narcissistic tendencies of some sort.

Hibernate's avatar

@chyna that is not a friend if he rapes her .
@Aethelflaed it does not matter where I live .
@manolla then perhaps you need to pray a lot for not getting into that situation because you can be raped in a lot of ways [ and while being conscious and drug free ] Though indeed it’s a sad situation . One doesn’t have to do like you want or feel it’s right because one is not you .
@JLeslie or one can slip on a bad path for a few minutes / hours / days and then realize what he did to others .

And I do not understand why is it so hard for you people to accept my open way of dealing with such a case .. It’s not like we’re the same or we deal with the same situations to act the same . It’s all about the timing and the circumstances . For example a couple could start making out and while he or she tries something not cool the other to use a sad face [ or anything similar ] and someone poping out to misinterpret that . Or just to have different circumstances while someone raping could have been abused and understand it’s normal to do it .

Some things are incurable but one deserve a few chances to at least try to get on the right path . On can say a crime is above others while I can have different standards and see minor crimes being a way more horrible than rapes .

Excuse me though if I caused any problems by having the guts to be myself where one should just used the ” It’s wrong so one shouldn’t do it ” .

Aethelflaed's avatar

@Hibernate Well, no, if you’re saying that you don’t have to be concerned about rape because it doesn’t happen that much where you live, then it does matter.

Hibernate's avatar

Explain to me why it does matter ? It can be a seldom act that happened once but I do not understand where did you came up with the ” I’m not concerned about rape ” .. I would not want my kids to live with that . If rapes are not that often here this must mean something [ maybe we are a bit more civilized ? Maybe one doesn’t need to force someone to have sex with them ? or maybe it’s just that we are not so frustrated about a lot of things ] .

redfeather's avatar

Just out of curiosity, how many people who said they wouldn’t tell were women and how many were men?

Hibernate's avatar

I think most that wanted to tell were women but I might be wrong .

I believe I was the only one not wanting to tell [ no matter what circumstances ] . This because many judge the aspects of the outcomes before making the decision . There are some that think they can make profit [ blackmail or similar things ] by not telling etc

Porifera's avatar

This thread reminds me of this.

Bellatrix's avatar

I think posts here and in another thread may have inspired that thread in meta @Porifera.

Porifera's avatar

@Bellatrix Yup, right, I meant to say the other post, not this one really. BTW I can’t find the other post, did it get deleted?

Aethelflaed's avatar

@Porifera Yes, it got deleted. Although, you can still find it if you know how to look.

Porifera's avatar

@Aethelflaed Don’t know the tricks of looking up stuff like that yet :) Love your computig skills.

Ladymia69's avatar

If you witness/have knowledge of someone being harmed physically, or sexually, and you don’t report it at least in order to get the assaulter punished/halted, you are as good as an accomplice. Not to mention the possibility of having it on your conscience if it happens again, partly because you didn’t try to get the perp apprehended.

Response moderated (Writing Standards)

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