Social Question

poisonedantidote's avatar

When someone stands you up on a date, do you ever have anything to do with that person again?

Asked by poisonedantidote (21631points) July 10th, 2011

Even if you used to be good friends?

Observing members: 0 Composing members: 0

30 Answers

SpatzieLover's avatar

No. It never had any trust in the first place, and now it certainly has zilch left.
Does this saga end now?

linguaphile's avatar

Depends on why. Car accident, lost dog, broken bone, grandma fell and couldn’t get up—all qualify for a second chance.
I’ve been stood up before. What I do is keep things cordial but not give another chance.

KateTheGreat's avatar

If they have a good reason to stand me up, then I wouldn’t really care. If they didn’t have a good reason I’d still like to have an explanation as to why they couldn’t man up and meet me. Being stood up SUCKS.

poisonedantidote's avatar

The person in question has been awake for since 6am, the person in question is also quitting weed, the person in question could have maybe fell asleep.

However, be it car accident, lost dog, broken bone, or whatever else, can be dealt with by answering the phone and saying “no now” and hanging up.

To recap…

- I go out with a girl and have a good time.

- I go out with her again, and interprete her signals as a chance, I tell her im interested, she says she is not. The night continues and we make plans to go out again.

- I call her up, she says not today cause she has plans, but tells me to call again.

- I don’t call, she calls me, I tell her I cant meet today. 1 hour later, she calls up almost desperate to see me right away, and so we meet.

- she tells me she likes me as more than a friend, but that “lets see what happens”, and we make plans to go out again.

- I call her this afternoon, she says its all still on. I call her at 9 as agreed, she pressed the hang up button. I don’t call again.

At this point I feel like I was intentionally pranked. The excuse “I fell asleep trying to not thing of weed and when you called I hung up” is perfectly acceptable to me. However no other excuse would do.

Why would she tell me to my face that she likes me as more than a friend, but then act this way? is she immature? I don’t know wtf anymore.

poisonedantidote's avatar

additional…

if she is interested in a relationship, I would be open to giving her a lube-free anal fucking, that is stone cold over for me.

Just at this point, I’m wondering if I even want anything to do with this person at all.

KateTheGreat's avatar

@poisonedantidote Do you believe this person has genuine feelings for you or do you think she’s playing you?

SpatzieLover's avatar

Seriously @poisonedantidote I think she’s extremely toxic. Remove her from your phone, your FB anywhere else you have her and move on.

TexasDude's avatar

It happened to me once. We were friends in highschool I tutored her in English and then we fell out of contact when I went to college. A few years later, she got back in touch with me and I wound up asking her on a date only to get stood up hardcore. I never talked to her again after that and it’s ok with me, because she turned out to be a dipshit anyway.

Basically, anyone who isn’t mature enough to flat out tell you they don’t want to go on a date with you so they resort to standing you up isn’t worth the time of day, in my opinion.

poisonedantidote's avatar

@KatetheGreat Based on everything I have seen…. I can honestly say yes. I’m fairly good at body language, and it was very hard for her to say she liked me. (a topic i did not bring up that day btw, she did)

My honest assesment… she likes me, but probably had some mind-fuck and decided to bail. If thats the case, do I really want anything to do with such a weak person? what about when considering I have feelings that make me want to protect her precisely because she is weak? (physically).

@SpatzieLover I don’t own a phone, her number is on a bit of paper. I dont use facebook.. but I get your point.

SpatzieLover's avatar

what about when considering I have feelings that make me want to protect her precisely because she is weak? (physically). She is making up for it with head games. No, you really should not want anything to do with her.

KateTheGreat's avatar

@poisonedantidote From what I’ve heard, she might be slightly toxic. But would it hurt you just to stick around for a little while longer? The hopeless romantic in me is speaking, but I really think you should give her one more chance just to see what is really going on.

poisonedantidote's avatar

@KatetheGreat I don’t know… I’m drunk at the moment. I have not been drunk in over a decade. That should give you some idea how I feel at the moment. I was probably not totally upfront with you guys about just how much I liked her. I do tend to put up walls.

poisonedantidote's avatar

@poisonedantidote “liked” ... thats the word you picked.

Kardamom's avatar

Oh dear, did you get stood up?

If so, I would try to find out why in a polite manner, and if there is a good reason, then there should be no problem. If the reason seems made up or if it is more of an excuse than a good reason, then I think I wouldn’t bother.

Good reasons: someone they know, including pets or very close friends’ pets, have died, someone who is close to them became very sick or injured and they need to go over there and help, their car broke down, their home or car was broken into or is, on fire, their boss called and insisted that they come in to work, an immediate relative is in jail and needs to be bailed out, a friend has been raped and needs to be picked up and taken to a doctor, an immediate relative was in a car crash but is OK but needs to be picked up, there was an accident on the road and his/her car was stopped and blocked, they became sick with constipation or diarrhea, they needed to go to the doctor themself. I’m sure there are others, but these reasons (and they need to be proved or at least accounted for in a reasonable manner) are some that would definitely make me give someone another chance.

Bad reasons: they are in jail, they claim that they fell asleep or forgot, their phone died (their next door neighbor has a phone and most businesses have land lines that can be utilized) an old friend stopped by, they got scared, they didn’t think you would mind and would understand if they didn’t call since hey you’re not married, they were too intoxicated to drive (they still could have called to cancel or explain).

chyna's avatar

I think that she is making you work way too hard just to have a date with her. Why don’t you just walk away from the situation for a while and see what happens? Don’t call her and don’t take her calls. See if, say a month or two, the situation has changed.
I know this is hard on you, as you had expectations of having a wonderful evening. {{{hugs}}}

Kardamom's avatar

If she hasn’t yet given you a good reason for why she stood you up, you might want to put some distance between you (don’t cut her off completely, because you do want to find out what really happened). You could write her a note, send it by snail mail and just ask her a few questions and tell her how this whole situation has made you feel. But do not write this letter when you are drunk (like right now) and wait until you calm down a little bit.

Then say something like this, “Dear Wanda, I was really looking foward to taking you out to the lake, but now I’m feeling kind of embarrassed and more than a little awkward. I really like you and was hoping that we could eventually be more than just friends. Did I do something to make you mad, that made you decide to not go with me? It really bummed me out that you simply didn’t show up, and then didn’t bother to get in touch with me to let me know that you were canceling. I’ve been trying really hard to be respectful of your feelings, but it seems like you are playing games with me. First you acted like you were intersted in me, and we flirted back and forth, and then you said that you didn’t want to get involved, but then you accepted a date. I don’t get it. I don’t want to play games with you and it would really mean a lot to me if you could just tell me the truth. If you don’t want to date me then please just tell me that. But if you just want to be friends, then please don’t act all flirtatious towards me. I just want to know where I stand with you. Please let me know, yours @poisonedantidote

If you don’t hear back from her, in great apologetic detail, in a week. Then write her off.

This kind of a note isn’t accusing her of anything, you would just be re-iterating the timeline of details and how they played out and it just explains how her actions made you feel confused. The ball will be in her court, and if she gives 2 hoots about you, she’ll be very honest with you. But whatever she does say in reply, you have to take it for what it is.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Sure but not for dating. Call me twice bitten and forever shy but that person would join the ranks of acquaintances rather than friends.

:(

lucillelucillelucille's avatar

I wouldn’t bother with her anymore if I were you.

filmfann's avatar

I am very forgiving. The downside of this is that I got my heart stomped plenty when I was dating.

DrBill's avatar

I would give them a chance to explain.

@KatetheGreat Why in hell would any sane person stand you up ?

KateTheGreat's avatar

@DrBill One guy said that I was too nerdy for his tastes. Maybe that’s it!

JLeslie's avatar

@poisonedantidote I’m sorry this happened. Listen, you said you were getting your act together on another Q. I am going to go out on a limb and say the people you associated previously were a party group, and you are about to become a person who no longer fits with these people. Which I think is a good thing. Continue on the good and positive path you have been moving on, and you will soon attract someone who will not play games with you. It should not be this difficult to go on a date, when it is right it is like the most natural thing in the world.

Cruiser's avatar

I have had so many wonderful dates with women that show up or are ready on time that I cannot see a good reason to ever reconsider a woman that stood me up or was grossly late for anything less than the best of reasons.

Porifera's avatar

Move on. Unless you are ready for more of her nonsense, in which case be prepared to be hurt again. I know how you feel, I’ve been there, it’s just a huge waste of time and energy. You need a girl who is really interested in you and gives you the respect that you deserve.

athenasgriffin's avatar

The only excuse to stand someone up on a date without notice is an occurrence that would place the stand up-er in the hospital. The fact that she was your friend makes the behavior even more inexcusable.

LuckyGuy's avatar

I am on the road so I have not been keeping up. Oh man!

Sorry. I know you had high hopes.

You can still find that box. It’s waiting for you when you feel like it. ;-)

King_Pariah's avatar

A prank, maybe an upper decker in their restroom. That’d probably be the last thing I’d do that would have anything to do with that person. Unless they were to have a legitimate reason as to why.

augustlan's avatar

Well, crap. I’m sorry this happened to you. :(

Unless there were a very good reason, not only for standing you up, but for not even calling you later to tell you why… it’d be over, for me.

Bellatrix's avatar

I’m sorry you got stood up @poisonedantidote and especially when it is so clear that you had hopes for more with this person. Whether or not she has a good reason or not, it really is time for you to decide whether she is worth the pain she is giving you. I said to you in another thread, relationships should not be so full of angst and hard work and certainly not before you have really become involved.

As @JLeslie, you doing so well with other parts of your life. Don’t let this situation throw you off track. I would focus on your job, your health and all those other positive things. For now, at the very least, this person is not a healthy person to be around. Feel better and don’t let her derail your good efforts to make positive changes.

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