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intrepidium's avatar

How to choose between divorced friends?

Asked by intrepidium (1230points) July 19th, 2011

I’ve been very good friends with a couple and feel equally close to each of them. Unfortunately they’re going a divorce and without going into their reasons for the separation, I feel I am having to choose between them… what should I do? Things have been awkward in the meantime

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16 Answers

Hibernate's avatar

You should not choose. You should remain friends with both and spend time with both if you enjoyed their company. It’s selfish for one of them to ask you not to spend time with the other [if it comes to that].

SpatzieLover's avatar

Divorce sucks for everyone involved. Most of my family friends just chose to back away. If you knew one of them longer, that’s how it usually breaks down….You stick with that one.

If you feel compelled to be friends with both, just know you walk a fine line. Do not start talking about the other one to the one you’re with.

Blackberry's avatar

You can hang out with both. They don’t have the right to interrogate you about who you hang out with lol.

Judi's avatar

I tried to stay friends with both (when in the same situation recently) until she took something I said, totally twisted it around and threwo it back in his face. She made the choice for me. I haven’t spoken to her since.

wundayatta's avatar

If you have to choose, then I would trust my instinct. You probably feel closer to one than the other, even if only by a small amount. There is no formula, though. And some of it has to do with how they respond to you. One or the other of them may push you away. It’s a fluid situation and I don’t think anyone can tell you how to manage it,

I think for your own purposes, you should speak your truth. Do not be recruited to one side or the other. Maybe you will lose both of them, but if that happens, I have to wonder how close they were in the first place.

Coloma's avatar

Remaining neutral is key, and that is easier said than done.

When I divorced I just naturally inherited most of the friends as they knew who the person of integrity was. lol

I made the effort to not talk much about the divorce stuff or my ex, basic goings on in the process and the work I was doing in my recovery, but, not about the drama.

It’s a boundary setting thing and you may have to test the relationships in saying that you don’t wish to be in the middle, while being as supportive as you can in a neutral fashion.

Good luck, riding the divorce train with anyone is a bumpy ride for awhile.

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

Can you share with us why you feel the need to choose without going into the details?

Bagardbilla's avatar

Stay friends with both, until one of them gives you a reason not to…
It’ll be hard, but stand your ground and let both know that you plan to do so.

seekingwolf's avatar

I would not choose either of them. Hang out with each of them one on one. If one/both of the friendships just doesn’t translate to one-on-one over from being a “couple” (since I’m gathering that you hung out with the couple) then just move on.

Definitely remain neutral and don’t talk about either of them behind their backs. When the topic comes up, don’t say anything. Just say that you aren’t comfortable talking about it because you like them both as friends.

intrepidium's avatar

Thanks for all the input guys – I guess I’ll have to see how things play out. After so many years of seeing and thinking of them as a unit and sharing so much with them both equally, it’s hard being around them as separate beings – things feel so strained and fragmented when so many things feel “unsafe” to talk about (for now at least) :(

Part of the reason why I feel pressure to choose between them has to do with having to demonstrate emotional loyalty and support.

josie's avatar

Stay friends with both. If one of them makes you feel like you should choose, pick the other one.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

If they’re true friends they will not ask you to choose between them.

marinelife's avatar

I have had this problem. I tried to stay friends with both of them, but it was difficult. My friendship with the husband was never the same really.

mrrich724's avatar

You won’t stay friends with both, unless you are going to spend alot of time listening to them bitch about eachother, ask about eachother, talk crap about eachother. . . what else?

Sorry you will have to choose. Choose the one who, when you spend time with them, doesn’t spend more time talking about the other.

Another idea is, unless you met them as a couple, to choose the one who you were friends with first.

Neizvestnaya's avatar

Don’t choose, initially. Talk to each of them and tell them you’d like to continue your friendships. Trust me, they’ll either be ok with it or start giving you the cold shoulder. Take your cue from their reactions to your best case scenario.

Only138's avatar

Don’t choose.

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