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ucme's avatar

Most effective household item to utilise as a weapon would be?

Asked by ucme (45419points) August 4th, 2011

Intended as a humorous look at the issue more than anything else, so feel free to indulge yourselves. Say an intruder in your home dares to rear their ugly head & you don’t possess a firearm, stabbing with a knife is out of the question because, well…’s just yucky isn’t it? So yeah, you have no alternative but to wield an everyday household item that may be at hand. Perhaps a length of rope, or a good sized pan, I just don’t know. Please enlighten me.

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44 Answers

ragingloli's avatar

Hair/insect spray + lighter = handheld flame thrower.
If you want some range, use your broom and learn some fitting martial arts moves beforehand.
Aim for his chest or throat and then throw your full body into the thrust. If you want to hit him, aim for the temples.

Nullo's avatar

A honing steel.. That is, a bar with a handle and a bit of a point on it. Rather durable, too. Seems suitable either for breaking bones or possibly even impalement through the guts.
Cast-iron cookware. Heavier than the steel, easier to aim with, more likely to be handy.

Baseball and cricket bats, though less domestic, are actually made for you to be striking things with them, and so may be considered better in that regard.

Bart19's avatar

Frying pan. It´s awesome and practical.

thorninmud's avatar

Bovril. Aim for the mouth.

ucme's avatar

@Bart19 Yes when the wife wields the pan with menace she yells out “frying tonight!”
A truly hideous spectacle :¬(

tranquilsea's avatar

My mother actually used a cast iron frying pan as a weapon in the 70s.

Lightlyseared's avatar

Cast iron frying pan.

incendiary_dan's avatar

My cast iron frying pan must weight almost ten pounds. That’d bludgeon good. I also realized I could wear my cast iron flat skillet as armor, if I needed to. :P

ucme's avatar

The wonderful thing about the frying pan is, it affords spectacular acoustics as well as a dull ache. Versatility is it’s middle name.

King_Pariah's avatar

With my knowledge of chemicals, I’d incapacitate him with chlorine gas via the use of 3 household chemicals… and then I’d tie him up and begin death of a thousand paper cuts.

downtide's avatar

I agree with the cast iron cookware. I have a big cast-iron frying pan, a clout to the side of the head with that would be far more effective than me trying to attack someone with a knife.

rebbel's avatar

Fly swatter.

Cruiser's avatar

Wet toilet plunger.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

I have a hideously ugly chicken lamp that I got as a christmas present. This sounds like the perfect chance to smash the thing to pieces.

Blackberry's avatar

A gun. If it’s in the house it’s a household item, right lol?

Or, a knife.

Oh, I just saw the details…...I think I have some pens and pencils I can stab someone with, or this can of raid. I could use the hard metal bottom to jam his nose into his brain…lol.

Or this bottle of gin, I can break off the edge and cut him up like a cow at a slaughterhouse…...

ucme's avatar

@Blackberry Read the details fella….ooh, you sly little bugger ;¬}

Cruiser's avatar

I could quickly make throwing stars out of old Windows ‘95 and ‘98 install discs. Ki-Yaaa!

TexasDude's avatar

Something long that has the benefit of range.

Like a 2×4.

gondwanalon's avatar

Wasp spray to the face and eyes.

A nail gun might also be good.

Haleth's avatar

Hm… curtain rod, iron, or frying pan? I also have a lot of empty wine bottles around here, and that makes me think of movie scenes where the good guy is in an alley, about to fight five bad guys, and someone smashes a bottle against the wall and waves it menacingly. So wine bottle makes the list, yep.

YoBob's avatar

~ I just gotta say: “You ain’t from around here are you boy..”

Around these parts a firearm is a common household item (which might explain generally lower crime rates).

But, ok, lets assume that you have 136 cousins visiting from out of town who all wanted to go coon hunting and borrowed every firearm in your house leaving you with little more than your wits to defend yourself.

If said cousins did not take your dogs out on the coon hunt, I recommend releasing the hounds. Those critters have a pretty good sense of who has no business in the house and are pretty good at defending their territory as well as other pack members. Heck, they don’t even have to be very big to mount an effective defense.

So… say Pepe the killer chihuahua is out with the guys as well. If you don’t mind getting up close and personal or mind the splatter, it’s hard to beat a good old fashioned baseball bat.

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

I also have electric hedge trimmers.

thorninmud's avatar

Deep fat fryer.

ucme's avatar

@YoBob I have a water pistol & a spud gun….yeah, got ya quaking in ya boots now eh….eh?

CaptainHarley's avatar

CZ-75 Compact 40-cal pistol or its equivalent.

TexasDude's avatar

@CaptainHarley no guns allowed. Only improvised stuff.

ragingloli's avatar

@Fiddle_Playing_Creole_Bastard you can’t forbid him the guns! he has his 2nd amendment rights, you dirty commie, you! :P

TexasDude's avatar

@ragingloli hey now, I’m just playing by ucme’s rules. If he allowed guns as an answer, my theoretical intruder would be dead-er quicker, but not as creatively.

gondwanalon's avatar

I forgot to mention my hammer-drill and chainsaw.

trailsillustrated's avatar

the portafilter off the espresso machine. Its really heavy.

CaptainHarley's avatar


Rats! Almost anything can be used as a weapon, but my weapon of choice is a gun. I have a carving knife that almost qualifies as a short sword, would that do? A baseball bat, a golf club, pull a big boot over each hand, use a towel as a way to sling people around, use a telephone cord as a garrotte, anything hot off the stove, a bag of ice to beat ‘em with, a table leg to beat ‘em with, any sort of caustic liquid to the eyes… the list is long.

TexasDude's avatar

@CaptainHarley all that stuff would work in lieu of a firearm, within the guidelines of this question, yes.

GladysMensch's avatar

Couple cans of soda in a pillow case.
A crowbar (if I’m in the basement)
My guitar hero guitar (El Kabong style)
Ohhh, I know… I’m diabetic so I have lots of syringes. Shove a few into my stomach, make sure the perp sees me pull them out, and then try to stab the bastard with em.

CaptainHarley's avatar

“El Kabong!” ROFLMAO! Haven’t heard that in DECADES! : D

Nullo's avatar

What would you say to a powder fastener? It operates on the same principles as a black-powder gun, but isn’t.

CaptainHarley's avatar


Don’t know if I could trust that, but there’s always the good ole “Spud Gun!” LOL!

ucme's avatar

Cheers all good stuff!
@Fiddle_Playing_Creole_Bastard Nice of you to play referee in my absence, cheers.

Nullo's avatar

@CaptainHarley You almost certainly couldn’t; they only sell the crappy low-velocity ones Stateside. But a man can dream… and look for loopholes in the OP. :D

YoBob's avatar

@Nullo – Of course, the key word in your reply is “sell”.

During my misspent youth I saw some homemade spud cannons that would be quite capable of inflicting some serious bodily injury. Alas, these days I suspect that creating such devices is generally frowned upon by those who seem to think that outlawing anything that flings a projectile will somehow magically make us all safe from the boogeyman.

Berserker's avatar

I have this big ass ashtray here that my grandma made two years before I was born. It’s like a fuckin chakram man, I’d go totally Xena on some intruder’s ass with that thing.

If not that, a hammer.

CaptainHarley's avatar


OUCH! God, I love a fiesty woman! WOOT! My Vicky would stand at my back, if it came to that, and hack ‘em down when they come at me from that direction! : D

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