Social Question

evry1luvzaazngrl's avatar

Am I overreacting about a lap dance?

Asked by evry1luvzaazngrl (268points) August 5th, 2011

This guy I’ve been seeing asked me to be his girlfriend while we were in Las Vegas. Right when we made things official we realized we were late to our friends’ bachelor and bachelorette party. I didn’t feel right that we just made things official and separated to go to strip clubs. The girls paid for my lap dance from a male stripper and it was okay. I didn’t feel turned on or anything. They don’t get naked or grind on you really. It wasn’t as bad as I thought it was like movies I’ve seen where it was way raunchier.

Anyways, I came back to the hotel room to find him passed out on the bed with a Mike Tyson tattoo drawn on his face. It was pretty funny but I was a little upset that this was how our relationship started off. He threw up at the strip club in the bathroom and they had to carry him back to the hotel.

Today I found out from his friends that a stripper’s bare boobs were on his face. I didn’t know with lap dances they could do that…put their private parts on a guy’s face with skin to skin contact. I wasn’t so much upset about a lap dance but yea it really bothered me that they could just put their vagina and boobs in your face which is nasty.

Is it a bad idea if I casually let him know how that made me feel? Is it wrong to say we both shouldn’t get lap dances from this point on? He’s planning his friend’s bachelor party along with three other guys. I know he wouldn’t pay for a lap dance but his friends would be encouraging him and buy him one….

I won’t mind if he goes to strip clubs and I wouldn’t mind going with him as a couple but I think the bare boobs on his face is a little too much =\

By the way that was his first time getting a lap dance (paid by friends). Apparently he was on the verge of passing out while getting it according to everyone. He claims he thinks strip clubs are a waste of money…he normally doesn’t go unless it’s a bachelor party. So it shouldn’t be too much a deal to ask him to not get a lap dance right?

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54 Answers

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

Can you clarify why the bare boobs make you upset in particular?

Did you tell the guy that it would make you crazy if that were to happen beforehand?

evry1luvzaazngrl's avatar

Because some naked girl is having her privates touching him…how is it hard to understand why I’d be uncomfortable with that? I didn’t tell him that it would bother me beforehand that’s why I think I should talk to him about how it makes me feel so that from this point on he’d know what decision to make when something like that comes up again when he goes to the next Bachelor party. I’m not angry with him, it just makes me feel jealous and sick to think about.

CWOTUS's avatar

Personally, I’d be more concerned about his apparently out-of-control drinking. What happens to a guy after he’s nearly passed out (or actually does pass out) is sort of secondary to that, isn’t it?

boxer3's avatar

I think you should tell him how it makes you feel, and the two of you can go from there and decide what to do about it…you cant help that it makes you feel uneasy, and you’re not telling him he’s the scum of the earth, so i don’t think your over reacting, just reacting and that’s fine. communication is keeeyyyy!

evry1luvzaazngrl's avatar

CWOTUS, I was upset about him passing out and getting that drunk too. Of the 5 months I’ve been with him he’s never been that drunk before. He normally doesn’t do that but I figured it was like a one time thing since it was Las Vegas and a Bachelor party…things get out of hand. I think he regrets it because he had the worst hang over next morning throwing up liek 10 times!
Boxer3, that helps with your advice…but a lot of people tell me I’m overreacting and controlling…but I can’t help that I feel bad knowing another girl is touching my man.

jrpowell's avatar

“I came back to the hotel room to find him passed out on the bed with a Mike Tyson tattoo drawn on his face.”

Some tits are the least of your problems.

Is the idiot trying to recreate the Hangover movie?

SavoirFaire's avatar

You have every right to set the limits of what you’re comfortable with, but he has every right to reject those limits (and the relationship with them). It’s too late to get angry about the first lap dance. There was no reason for him to expect that it would be a problem. You can dislike it, of course. No one can stop that. And you can tell him that you aren’t comfortable with it happening again. He then gets to decide whether or not those terms are acceptable to him.

evry1luvzaazngrl's avatar

He’s not an idiot. His friends are the one that drew on his face. Can we please stick to the TOPIC? This was his first time getting a hang over like this other than his 21st birthday. Please stop being judgemental thinking he’s an alcoholic.

rebbel's avatar

Anyone else has a feeling of déjà vu?

SpatzieLover's avatar

Why do I feel like we already answered this question?

Again, if you had just begun being a couple, either you should have gone over your expectations, otherwise, you should openly communicate what it and is not okay within the realms of your newly founded relationship now.

If you feel your trust was already betrayed somehow, you’re going to need to address that with him.

EDIT: @rebbel yes

EDIT2: @JilltheTooth, yes ;P

JilltheTooth's avatar

Didn’t you ask this a few days ago?

evry1luvzaazngrl's avatar

No, I asked what went on with a lap dance. I didn’t ask if I was overreacting or how I should handle the situation.

zenvelo's avatar

You said the other day you weren’t that upset.

You sound a bit angry about this. I think it is fine to discuss it with him, but not from a place of anger. Rather, approach him in a calm moment saying ” You know when we were in Vegas I didn’t say anything about the lap dance. The past is the past, but I would feel uncomfortable if you were to go to a strip club again or go get a lap dance.”

SpatzieLover's avatar

@evry1luvzaazngrl You did ask similar question within that thread. We’ve already covered what you should do to address this.

evry1luvzaazngrl's avatar

I wasn’t upset that day because I didn’t know that BOOBS and Vagina were in his face..I didn’t know it was full nude and I didn’t know there was skin to skin contact. That makes a big difference to me. I just found out last night that this was the case….

boxer3's avatar

@evry1luvzaazngrl , Honestly- sometimes, even if something isn’t a “big deal,” and the fact that your SO almost positively has no desire to go seek out the stripper that gave him a lap dance to pursue anything further than that one instance means nothing because you still feel some sort of way. Sometimes, just talking about how you feel helps. I use this technique often, even with friends and family if something irks me – even if by standard it probably shouldn’t. I’ll often say something like” this may be irrational, butttt…. ” and then they’re free to tell me how they feel and I later feel better that at least everything is on the table.

If you tell yourself you’re overreacting and say nothing you are more apt to harbor this built up frustrataion/uneasiness and start getting angry with him for no reason, ya know?

Seaofclouds's avatar

Talk to him about how you feel and tell him that you want to set some boundaries for your relationship. He may be okay with it or he may not be, but either way you need to talk about it and get it so that both of you are on the same page with what’s okay and not okay in your relationship.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

Didn’t we just do this?

SpatzieLover's avatar

I wasn’t upset that day because I didn’t know that BOOBS and Vagina were in his face

Actually, several of us already mentioned this was most likely the case. Also, as you mentioned he was passed out back in the hotel room. Was he participating in the lap dance? It doesn’t sound like it.

Was it established that you prefer he doesn’t have a lap dance? No.

Move on with your relationship from the present. Establish boundaries.

JilltheTooth's avatar

To answer the Q, if you need to address this exact topic in two separate Qs, then yes, you are over-reacting. Seriously, we are not the people you need to be talking to about this. And we are all so rockin’ the exhibitionist awards here! :-)

sophiesword's avatar

I guess you shouldn’t be forced into it if you don’t want to then don’t

Jellie's avatar

Well, I think you are.. but it’s a personal choice. I wouldn’t it if I knew what the boy was going in for… but I can understand and expect that other girls would mind.

Aethelwine's avatar

If his dick wasn’t touching the boobs, you may be overreacting just a bit.

sophiesword's avatar

just tell him how you feel

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

@jonsblond, out of curiosity, asking for a friend, could you let me know where that kind of strip bar is located?

evry1luvzaazngrl's avatar

It was some kind in las vegas

bob_'s avatar

@jonsblond Yeah, and do they accept Mexican pesos?

Aethelwine's avatar

@Imadethisupwithnoforethought I heard of some back room stuff going down that really isn’t supposed to at a place in Peoria, but you didn’t hear it from me. ;)

SavoirFaire's avatar

To be fair, I think the old question was “what happens?” and this question is “now that I know what happens, are my feelings about it justified?” Those are different, even if related, questions.

evry1luvzaazngrl's avatar

Thanks Savoir :P

nikipedia's avatar

I am hearing two questions:

1. Did I overreact to the lap dance?

I don’t think we can tell you whether your feelings are ok. You felt them. But I think it is worth asking yourself why it bothers you so much. Do you think that this woman’s boobs touching your man’s face will make him care about you any less? Realistically, what is it about that situation that is threatening to you? Be honest with yourself.

2. Should you talk to him about it?

Why wouldn’t you?

FutureMemory's avatar

I need to go to Vegas again.

Seelix's avatar

If you don’t like your boyfriend getting lap dances, tell him you don’t like it. You ought to explain to him your feelings about him being around other girls – especially since you’ve just started this relationship. Having looked at your other questions, you seem like the jealous type – you’ve asked about boyfriends in hot tubs with women and about women on the back of boyfriends’ motorcycles. This kind of thing seems to be sort of a trend, from what I can tell.

Either change your thinking and stop being jealous, or explain your feelings to your boyfriend and hope he understands.

SpatzieLover's avatar

@SavoirFaire Read the old thread.@evry1luvzaazngrl Says in the details: I’m not really angry because we didn’t discuss this before we made things official. But in the future I don’t think I’d like him getting lap dances and I won’t get one either. Is that wrong for him to ask to not get a lap dance if he goes to another friend’s bachelor party?

Then went on to ask other questions in the thread…all of which were modded ;)

Ayesha's avatar

@rebbel and @johnpowell Haha.
Good stuff.

SpatzieLover's avatar

It appears to me that you have a history of being jealous @evry1luvzaazngrl. Since you know this about yourself, why not address this with your current boyfriend, before it causes a further issue?

Jellie's avatar

Come on guys… sometimes a person just needs to talk stuff out even when we know the answer. If the mods let the question stay why can’t we just either answer the question or ignore it if we feel it doesn’t deserve an answer.

trailsillustrated's avatar

you went to vegas. you both had a big big night that probably wouldn’t happen in your hometown. So a stripper stuck her part in his face. So he vomited and passed out. Sounds pretty norm for a young couple partying in vegas get over it. You’ll laugh about it later

Imadethisupwithnoforethought's avatar

@trailsillustrated Thanks! I’ll let my friend know.

FutureMemory's avatar

@trailsillustrated i think that’s the club my buddy got offered “a bareback blowjob in your car for $60”.

chyna's avatar

There was a va jay jay in his face? Wow, she must’ve been a contortionist.

SavoirFaire's avatar

@SpatzieLover I have read the old thread. What @evry1luvzaazngrl said there was that she wasn’t upset about the fact that her boyfriend had gotten a lap dance but wanted to know what was involved. She then learned what happened and started getting bad feelings about it—so she asked this question.

And by the way: as a moderator, I can see the moderated posts. Your accusations are incorrect. None of @evry1luvzaazngrl‘s posts on that thread were moderated. The only posts that were removed were off-topic comments from other members.

_zen_'s avatar

Was it a good tat? Cuz that would be the dealbreaker for me. Especially as you’d just made the relationship all official and everything. The boobs in the face, not such a big deal. Hey – he was drunk and didn’t know what he was doing. It aint his fault. Throwing up at the club means he was a total mess – so I’d forgive him, get married and make lotsa babies.

dabbler's avatar

He did nothing ‘wrong’ that’s what happens in strip clubs and with lap dances, especially since you had no agreement ahead of time about boundaries in that regard.
Stick with the fact that you’re upset. Don’t blame him for it, but tell him about your feelings.

El_Cadejo's avatar

isnt this like your 3rd question now thats questioning your trust issues or something with your boyfriend that you just got with. Why exactly are you with him again?

BeccaBoo's avatar

Oh god, if he had copped off with her after because her boobs were so hot then you’d have a problem. But you both knew what you were going there to do, and the fact the guy passed out on her is probably more insulting to the lapdancer! Chill little lady, he is still there with you and unless she is giving him extra’s (in his case sounds like a bucket and towel) I really would not worry.

Cruiser's avatar

I’d be way more upset that he got incapacitated drunk, puked and lost all control. Not good in my book!

Hibernate's avatar

Better talk to him about it.

FutureMemory's avatar

@evry1luvzaazngrl So, what happened? Did you tell him you were upset?

Only138's avatar

Don’t take it too personally. Sometimes when you’re drunk ( I KNOW THIS WELL), you react slowly…..and you’re not in your right mind of thinking. Also, he may have been drinking a little too much in celebration of your new relationship. If it were his first dance, he may have been taken totally off guard by the boobs in his face. As long as it doesn’t happen any more, maybe give him some slack??

Response moderated (Flame-Bait)

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