Social Question

chelle21689's avatar

How do you normally feel after the infatuation phase is over?

Asked by chelle21689 (7707points) August 19th, 2011

Is it normal/good to feel comfortable, happy, sexually attracted to the person even without the butterflies and nervousness? Or is that a bad thing because it’s becoming more of a friendship mode? I like spending time with my boyfriend and he makes me laugh but I don’t feel head over heels in love after 5 months because the butterflies have been gone for about 2 months now.

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27 Answers

tedd's avatar

The butterflies only get you so far, and if you’re relying entirely on them they will eventually go away.

You also have to connect on a lot of everyday things.

Look at it like this. If you took sexuality and intimate relationships out of it entirely, say suddenly you and your SO were asexual…. would you still be close friends with them? You want the answer to be yes.

chelle21689's avatar

I think we do a lot of good and fun things together. We always try new things and he is adventurous :). I know I don’t feel butterflies to love someone since I didn’t with my ex but I guess maybe it takes time to feel like someone is the one you want to spend your life with. I just worry cuz people told me that there should be passion…and I don’t feel passion O.o I did when i was infatuated…so I’m confused.

We’re kind of asexual in a way b /c we haven’t done anything LMAO!

woodcutter's avatar

Then you can pick your nose and fart and leave your clothes laying around and it becomes no big deal.

chelle21689's avatar

O.o lol I didn’t even do that when i was in a 5 year relationship haha

OpryLeigh's avatar

At what point does the infatuation stage end? I still have it 5 years on.

wundayatta's avatar

If you’re sexually attracted, I wouldn’t call that “friendship” mode. How attracted are you? Can’t keep your hands off him or is that ho hum, too?

I don’t know where the official line is drawn that indicates the end of infatuation and the beginning of something…. serious. Three months? Five months? Seven months? Two years? I read somewhere that the glow seems to last a maximum of two or three years. Enough time to have a couple of babies.

You sound unhappy. If you were happy, you wouldn’t be worrying about how you feel. You would be happy with it.

I’m not saying things have to be perfect, nor that they will be perfect naturally. You have to work at relationships. It sounds to me like your relationship could use some work.

I’m also curious because it sounds like you haven’t done anything sexual yet. I think stuffing down that desire for a long time can kind of kill the desire. If you don’t have that going for you, then a very important part of the relationship is gone. I’d be worried about that.

I would also worry about the lack of passion. It’s important to feel a hunger for someone. That is passion and it creates passion. Not everyone needs passion, I guess, but if you do need it, you really need it.

I’d work on trying to recreate the passion with your bf. If you can’t do that, you have to ask yourself whether you are still happy with this relationship/

chelle21689's avatar

How do I sound unhappy? I’m just concerned about what happens after the infatuation phase.

Honestly I worry all the time about relationships even if it’s a good thing. I don’t think it has to do with it being bad.

We haven’t done anything yet cuz we’re hardly ever alone and plus I’m very shy.

Passion? What’s your definition of it?

Pied_Pfeffer's avatar

It is a rare occurrence that anyone finds the right partner in their first relationship. Every one of them starts off with the ‘butterflies in the stomach’ feeling. As much as they may stimulate you, yes, the reality is that they become less frequent.. The good news is that it gets replaced by something even better.

What I’ve discovered is that you can love a partner but not be in love with them. There is a difference.

Kardamom's avatar

I think that butterflies and true passion are different things, although in the beginning of a relationship, they seem like they are the same thing.

Butterflies are more attributed to nervousness and being a little scared and worried when you are getting to know someone. Passion is a much deeper feeling that I can only describe as a mixture of love and sexual attraction/tension (although, the more I think about it, passion is really not about sexual attraction, so much as the fact that sexual attraction usually goes along with passion). But passion is one of those things, like love, that you kind of can’t put your finger on (when you are trying to describe it) but you know you have it or you don’t.

I think a couple can have serious passion between each other without actually having sex (anymore, as in the example of an older couple who can’t have sex for a whole host of reasons) or in the case of a couple where one of the people has been seriously injured. And then there are couples, who can’t be together for whatever reason (they’re married to someone else, they’re separated by distance, they are of different religions or whatever) that have never had sex with each other, but they do have passion. I’m having a heck of a time trying to describe it.

Then there are people who are lucky enough to find what they call their “soul mate.” I think there are a lot of lids that will fit a lot of pots, meaning that most people have a bunch of potential people that could ultimately fill the position as their beloved spouse. But there are a few people (think John and Yoko) who seem to have found someone who kind of trandscends the normal loving relationships that most people find. It usually has something to do with having an unusual amount of common interests that are maybe uncommon in the general population along with slightly unusual ideas about how the world works, and how things are, a mindset if you will.

It’s easier to find attractive people that have common goals and interests with you than it is to find someone who really melds with the same mindset as you do, especially if your mindset is kind of different than the general population or culture around you. And someone that complements your personality, rather than just being compatible with or being similar.

But I think that with most loving couples, the butterflies dissapate when they really get to know each other on a very personal and intimate level. And that does not mean having sex. There are plenty of people (men, mostly I think) that can have sex without ever having any kind of passion or love or intimacy or compassion or even any thought towards the other person at all. So sexual attraction, in and of itself, is not a good determination or predictor of whether two people can fall in love, or stay in love or share passion.

Also, there are plenty of couples that can be in love with each other and share a deeply comitted friendship, who are perfectly content, but would not describe their relationship as passionate. So it kind of depends upon what you think/feel like you need in a relationship (and if you are getting that or experiencing that) to know if you can maintain a happy and fulfiling relationship with someone.

I, for one, could not be truly happy unless there was passion, along with the love and mutual respect and common interests and common goals and deep friendship. But there are plenty of people who have perfectly happy marriages, that do not have passion, but I think that only works out well, if both members of the couple are OK with that. And there are plenty of couple who have passionate, happy marriages without thinking that the other person is their “soul mate.” Because I think most people don’t find a soul mate, they consider themselves lucky to have found a lid that fits their pot.

Then there are couples who have real passion, but do not have any common interests, goals or a common mindset. Those are the most volatile types of relationships, because they are usually not sustainable for any length of time.

You need to sit down with yourself and ask yourself a few questions. What do really want from a relationship? Companionship, warm fuzzy feelings, a true friendship, a satisfying sex life, a feeling of deep connectedness with the other person, a “soul mate” passion, mutual respect, someone to share common interests and life goals, someone who is loyal, someone that you think you can’t live without, a person who would make a good parent to your children? There are all sorts of feelings within ourselves and qualities within our partners that must be there for each of us to have a great relationship but those feelings and qualities and even the amounts of those things are completely different for each person. I hope you can figure out what things you need and then determine whether or not this guy is going to be able to fulfill those needs. Good luck : )

Hibernate's avatar

That expression “head over heels” creeps me out lol. In the 1500 or so people were killed hanged by the feet so the head was over the heels.

Anyway back on track. If you guys still enjoy your company then stay together. Just remember if you start out with a new friend the “love” you described will leave. Good luck with your relationship.

chelle21689's avatar

Just remember if you start out with a new friend the “love” you described will leave

that sounds like a bad thing, lol what do you mean by this? Love will LEAVE?

chelle21689's avatar

I don’t think I could ever feel that soul mate passion really lol I don’t really believe in that anymore.

ratboy's avatar


germanmannn's avatar

Girls are so fickle ,who could know how they feel? Not even them.

chelle21689's avatar

germanmannn i agree. i’d rather be a man lol

wundayatta's avatar

@chelle21689 You sound unhappy because you are worrying about what comes after the infatuation phase. You seem to have clearly identified that your infatuation is over, and now you’re wondering what comes next. That seems odd to me. It’s like you’re looking for trouble.

It really doesn’t matter what came next for anyone else. It’s different for everyone, anyway. Just roll with it and find out what is next for you. Don’t have any expectations. Just be with your partner. See what happens.

I never even thought about what phase I was in during the first few years or so. Maybe, when things started getting problematic, I might have wondered, but really, I was focused on my partner, no matter how it was going. When I am passionate, I’m just passionate. I can’t think about someone without feeling a rush of feelings and a rush of desire. There’s a lot more I could say about passion, but not here.

Blackberry's avatar

“Damnit…now I gotta start all over again…” Lol.

Kardamom's avatar

I have to agree with @wundayatta It does seem odd that you are questioning whether or not you have or need passion. You either feel passion or you don’t. And you either need passion or you don’t. With this fellow, it kind of seems like you guys are going through the motions of a relationship, but it sounds more of like a fun brother and sister relationship. Unless you both have some reason to wait until marriage until you both have sex (or one of you, him most likely is a virgin and are simply scared sh*tless to try it, or he’s gay and hasn’t yet realized it or come to terms with it) it seems odd that you and he wouldn’t want to give it a go. It just seems like neither one of you has that interest, which to me just seems odd. Not bad, just odd, because for me, I have a lot of passion and I couldn’t easily, and wouldn’t want to, just sit there day after day playing board games, going biking, having a few laughs and trying to get a guy to open up verbally. I have more fun (and non-sexual passion) with my best female friend. For me, I would die inside a little bit every day if my boyfriend wasn’t clearly the one (although I believe that there a multiple people who could potentially be the one for almost everybody).

Why do you think this is taking so long (getting to know him deeply and figuring out how you feel about him)?

chelle21689's avatar

Wow brother and sister relationship?? O.o eww.

Well, I’ve been really wanting to do things but I’m too shy lol. I don’t know I guess we’ve always just moved slow from the start cuz of my situation.

Dr_Lawrence's avatar

@Kardamom What a marvellous answer. I saved a copy as a text file to ponder again.

wundayatta's avatar

Is it possible you don’t feel fully trusting of your bf? You say you’re too shy, which makes it sound like you’re afraid he’ll laugh at you in some way.

I don’t know. This is just an intuition. I really know nothing about you and your relationship. But it sounds to me like it’s not just an end to the infatuation. It sounds like there’s something deeper going on here. I’m not hearing passion in your writing, and that concerns me.

nikipedia's avatar

You seem to have a lot of doubts about this relationship.

Kardamom's avatar

@chelle21689 I know that you are very shy, from what you’ve said before. He is super, super quiet, but is he shy too? If that’s the case, you guys both need to step up to the plate and get over your shyness. If both of you are shy, and continue to let yourselves be like that, then neither one of you is ever going to be able to ask the deep questions to each other to find out how the other person really feels and what the other person is really like. You needto know each other, but if you both just sit there and be shy, that’s the only thing that you will ever be doing. Somebody needs to make a move (and I don’t mean that in a sexual way, not yet anyway) but one of you has to get up and start asking questions and letting the other person know exactly how they feel. That is how people get to know each other. That was the other reason that I suggested that you guys start talking on the phone (instead of just texting, and using textspeak) because you are forced to really talk to each other, and you can figure out pretty quickly if you are really compatible. And when you are together, ask lots of questions and then follow up questions to the answers that you get.

Shyness is bad enough for the person suffering from it, but it’s no picnic for the other person who has to hope and pray that the other person will make a move or say something personal. He’s your boyfriend now, so you don’t have to worry about saying something stupid to a potential date. You both need to step up the relationship stuff. Even if you end up saying something stupid, or he does, and you end up breaking up over it, then that is a terrific weeding out process. So be open and honest and see where that takes you : )

WillWorkForChocolate's avatar

I don’t know- I’m still infatuated with my husband.

chelle21689's avatar

Oh I think I forgot to tell you we don’t text kardamom, that was way old news. The first month we did text but we talk every day on the phone for at least an hour since March.

Kardamom's avatar

@chelle21689 Yay! I’m so glad to hear that.

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