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smilingheart1's avatar

Why do I let people off the hook all the time?

Asked by smilingheart1 (6431points) August 24th, 2011

Amateur shrinks out there, I need help. What I mean is that I loan someone money or give them a break in some way and then when the time comes that really I should collect, I tell them oh, you need your money for your new house, your new car, your baby coming…whatever it is and then I don’t collect. Meanwhile I see them buying other things that promote them even further and I get a little ornery inside. These are always people close to me, not abstract situations. Diagnose me?

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6 Answers

Adirondackwannabe's avatar

You’re a giver at heart, but you still want to enjoy the finer things in life, so your two sides are in conflict. I don’t know what the hell I’m saying. I can’t diagnose myself, how am I going to help you out? Maybe you’re too nice? Try to be a dick more.

Supacase's avatar

Potential conflict makes you uncomfortable? It is sometimes especially difficult when you are dealing with close friends or relatives. Most people don’t want to rock the boat with those relationships.

Coloma's avatar

You might suffer from the disease to please. lol

If someone is a true friend they will be extremely conscientious in repaying a loan, keeping you informed as to their plans/intentions and would not want YOU to suffer hardship by not repaying your kindness.

It sounds like you have fears about confronting those that are not playing fair. I can tell you from my vast and ongoing experiences with certain types that it’s better to set boundaries, speak up and be prepared to let go, than to stuff your feelings and observations and make too many excuses for bad or less than honest actions/behaviors.

The best and quickest ‘test’ of all relationships is how someone responds to you when you bring up something they have done, or do, that doesn’t work for you.

If you say to the friends ” You know, I have observed you buying lots of stuff that you don’t need lately, but, you have not made an effort to pay me back” and they have a problem with your honesty…drop ‘em, immediately!

A true friend will care and respect your feelings and want to do what it takes to make things right between you.

A false friend will argue, deny and dismiss your feelings and try to make YOU feel bad for confronting them.

Learning to see the real person and not your illusion of them is one of the biggest life lessons.

My mantra for a loong time now is ” better to walk alone than in the company of fools.” lol

Either learn to identify and dump the fools, or, become one yourself. ;-)

P.S. Also, do not “loan” anyone money without either a written agreement and discussion of payback terms, or, make it a “gift.” Don;t lend what you can’t afford to lose.

marinelife's avatar

No boundaries? You don’t value yourself and your needs on the same level that you do other people.

linguaphile's avatar

I’m reading Too Nice For Your Own Good. It’s really helping me figure some things out. It might or might not apply to you— give it a look.

MajorDisappointment's avatar

Short answer: Low self esteem.

Long answer:
We buy ourselves the good feelings of giving, that we so love to feel.
Our “friendship” can not afford the stress of requiring any payback;
the price of the he said, she said arguements.

We avoid draws on empty self esteem accounts, to ask anyone to pay us back.

Respect, and friendship, is like love; the kind we can buy is not worth the price.

As a recovering chump, I require myself to GIVE my assistance, NO loans,
so all loan payback drama and backbone requirements are avoided.

This week, I refused to make a $5 loan, to a ‘friend’ that now is not speaking to me.
Amazing experience, I now realize that our ‘friendship’ is not worth $5.
I was asked to loan money, for what? A ‘friendship’ maintenance fee?

This is simply teaching people how we want them to treat us.

Being an easy touch is asking people to put us first; on their list of patsies,
and asking them to allow us to become their favorite, ‘go to person’ for favors.

Allow people to ask 3 times first, before thinking about GIVING them assistance.
If we can not afford to give our assistance, how can we afford to loan it out.

I suggest taking a risk, to find out what happens to these ‘relationships’ when the
stress of you making a real request of your “friends” is added to the mix.

Politely, ask for the $ repayment, at their earliest convenience.
Ask them because someone needs your help with a delicate financial matter.
(Say, it is a need too personal to discuss, and anonymity was requested.)
[do not say what it is; mortgage payment, bail money, etc.]

Get a firm commitment to the repayment or partial repayment date, and then show up.
Politely accept their excuse, save it, and the next time they ask for your help,
only give them the appropriately edited excuse, they handed to you.

Repeat as required to assess your relationships.

After truly perceiving the people you frequent, you may want to get and keep a dog.

I have a cat, because dogs are too needy. I had two cats, as friends for each other,
and me, until the affectionate cat was stolen.

Enjoy champaign with your sham friends, only real friends will share real pain.


When asked, I gave all my money, about $800 to the ashram. (1974)
When I was leaving a month or so later, I asked for $20 as hitch hiking money.
I was told, “No.”

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