How can I change his mind?

You can’t “make” him do anything. You blew it.

1) is this some sort of punishment or gods way of saying I should be with my ex again?
God didn’t break up with your boyfriend. You did.
2) how can I get my ex to talk to me again?
You can’t.
3) how can I go about getting him back?
You can’t.

It sounds like he’s just not that into you. Sorry to be so blunt.

Really, @emjay , I’m sorry but it’s just not going to happen. I know all these answers are what you said you didn’t want to hear, but the reality is that if he wanted to be with you at all, even a little bit, he would have by now.
It’s a bitch and a half to have to go through this, but it’s just part of life.

Put yourself in his shoes for a few minutes. Really, think about it. It won’t get him back but you might understand why he wants to move on.

__I’ve even spent a good deal of time…. praying I could stop thinking about him drinking and having a boatload of casual sex hoping I’d get him out of my head._

Have you considered working on yourself before you try another relationship? Your behavior doesn’t bode well for any loving and mature partnership. Perhaps stop drinking and start thinking?

Before the whole thing happened he always talked about how much he liked me and wanted to be with me forever. We had even talked about getting married.
I know.I fucked up. I’ve been trying not to drink lately. And if you don’t put my relationship non-knowhow in the picture I have a really good life. I don’t know…. Do guys just promise the world to girls to get into their pants or something? I honestly think he did love me and I hurt him to bad to fix it. I was just hoping someone might have a different opinion.

Don’t blame guys for your mistakes. He probably did care about you and you blew it. Learn from that.

Goes back to 1998—swoosh

I had been dating a girl for about two years. Love and all that crap. We were arguing about something stupid and six words made a beautiful girl be forever ugly. She said I was just like my father. My father got drunk and beat the shit out of my sister and mom and she knew it. She knew it was the worst thing to say to me and she did it to hurt me. I walked away and never spoke to her again.

So sometimes little things do matter.

Stop drinking would be a good start. Sounds like you have some issues with alcohol that need to be resolved. Once you’ve taken care of yourself and gotten sober (this could take a while, as alcoholism is a serious addiction and hard to “cure”) then let him know that you’ve changed and you’ve stopped drinking. Sit down and have a normal conversation with him, letting him know that you still care about him and wish things could go back to the way they were between you two. If he’s willing to take you back then great (although honestly he sounds like a waste of your time) and if he’s moved on then you need to too. You can’t force him to be with you. And the harsh truth is that if he hasn’t made an effort to get back together or talk to you, maybe he was losing interest in the relationship in the first place and just waiting for an excuse to break up.

If you genuinely care for this guy you should let him be. Sometimes guys say things to get in girls pants. Sometimes girls say or do things that destroy men’s hearts. That’s life.

@johnpowell How right you are

You have no way of really knowing what he’s thinking. You’ll drive yourself nuts, and embarrass yourself, taking everything apart to figure out what each of his actions mean or whether there might be a message in anything he’s done. The answer, as of today, I guarantee there’s no message coming from him that is the one you want to hear or see.

The longer you keep on running this in your head, the harder it will be on you and in the end, the results will be the same, you won’t have him. If you wait too long, keep drinking and wondering, you won’t have yourself either.

You’re not alone… Something happens and people want things to go back to the “perfect days,” but sometimes there’s just no going back. The best thing you can do, in my opinion, is start thinking of your dignity and future—look forward to what you can do and will do in the near and far future for yourself.

He doesn’t want to get back with you. I know it’s hard to hear, but that is exactly what he has shown you. Stop drinking and behaving badly by having loads of casual sex that will only bite you in the butt in the long run. He probably knows about all the guys you have been with since you seem to live in a small town, so that is making his choice not to speak to you even easier.

1) is this some sort of punishment or gods way of saying I should be with my ex again?
It’s not punishment, or a sign. It’s just a natural feeling, when you lose someone you really loved.
2) how can I get my ex to talk to me again?
I can’t answer this question, because you requested against this kind of answer…
3) how can I go about getting him back?
He obviously doesn’t want you back… I know that’s harsh, and really hard to hear, but it’s the truth.
I suggest you just let yourself start with the grieving process, so you can move on. Stop drinking, and sleeping around. That’s not going to make you feel any better. It only makes you feel worse.
Don’t get in another relationship when you’re hearts still in the last one.

Fuck, I wouldn’t take you back, offering him free sex, and making him jealous and begging? I’m sorry but it’s pathetic.

You not only can’t change his mind, but it’s a good thing for you that you can’t. If he took you back now after you’ve debased yourself completely in his eyes, then you’d be essentially worthless to him except as automatic sex. Do you want to be nothing more than his sexual slave for the rest of your life? (It doesn’t mean that you’d be his only sex, by the way.)

No, the chance for this relationship – at least under anything like the old terms – is gone. That’s not to say that you can’t overcome the alcoholism (if you admit that that’s what it is and treat it properly and respectfully as something that will kill you if you don’t), and then make something worthwhile out of yourself – in other words, make yourself someone worth valuing highly (more highly than you yourself do now), then maybe he will come crawling back to you. It’s not likely, and I wouldn’t plan or wait for it to happen, but it’s pretty much the only chance with him now.

It appears that you need to find a way to change your life and give up two addictions concurrently. It’s not going to be easy.

PS: Welcome to Fluther.

Do guys just promise the world to girls to get into their pants or something? Sure guys do it, because they know it works on a good many females. Same as a good many females know that flashing the pussy and titties on many men will wrap them around their finger and loosen their wallets. I, however, do not think that is the case here.

You learned the hard way why it is best to deal with life sober, had you had been sober I doubt you would have said what you said. Sometimes when you drop a China plate you can’t glue it back together, and even if you could, it will never be the same as it was. You tried, but it is up to him to come to the decision to build that bridge back you so thoroughly torched. I don’t think he is too interesting in building it back. You will just have to chalk this one up as a win for Jim Bean in sinking your union. C’est la vie, try it sober next time.

@johnpowell I had a girl say the same damn shit to me and there is no coming back from that….ever!!

I think you have a worse case of “I’m worthless” than I do. Not that there’s any competition here. We do crazy things when we feel worthless. The first thing we think is that we’re not good enough or there’s something wrong with us, so if we really love someone, then we have to help them understand they are better off without us.

Ok, that makes no sense, right? Let me try to explain. When you feel bad about yourself, then you are bad for other people. If you love someone, you can’t let them be dragged down by you. So you start to push them away. Secretly, you hope they will stand up to it and fight for you. If they do let you go, then what you think about yourself is true: you’re not worth fighting for.

This is heavy duty mental fucked-upness. I did this to my wife, only I didn’t quite go as far as you did. I went right up to the line, but recognized where I was, and decided not to cross over. For as much as I wanted to end up in hell, I didn’t really want to be there. Or, at least, that’s my interpretation. I was crazy then, and I’m not at all sure how I saved myself.

Your behavior since then is typical of someone who despises themselves. You drink a lot. You fuck a lot. Guys you may not even know. You regret a lot. It has dawned on you not so much that you let someone go, as that you were wrong about yourself. Maybe you are worth being loved.

Unfortunately, it is really difficult to go back. Especially when as much time as has passed has passed. If you want him back, you have little chance. But what chance you have comes from working on yourself; dealing with your demons; finding worth in yourself, and living a life that he can see, should he choose to, is better… reformed.

Don’t count on that. He is unlikely to come back. So what you have to do is to learn how to move on. That is really hard, and in my mind, there is little you can do. Mostly it is time that has to pass. Eventually it will start hurting a little less.

If you focus on rebuilding yourself—just for yourself; not for him—that will take your mind from him a little bit. You should do other things—spend more time with friends; get involved in other activities; work more; whatever is appropriate for a person your age.

I also strongly suggest that you get therapy to help you figure out how to find worth in yourself. It may look at why you came to feel bad about yourself, so bad you didn’t deserve a relationship and you had to push him away. Maybe it comes from your family background. Maybe from other unfortunately events in you background.

Sometimes people who do the things you do: push lovers away; drink, have a lot of casual sex; are also mentally ill. Smoking pot, going on spending sprees, and having trouble with money are other symptoms of brain chemistry disorders.

The sex thing is interesting. Most people, but especially those who are mentally ill, need love. Many mentally ill people need an awful lot of it. Some conflate sex with love, and go off to bars or wherever to find people who will reinforce their sense of self. If they can get someone to fuck them, then they must be all right. At least for that evening. Of course, morning comes and it’s back home and you don’t even know the name of the person you fucked that last night. So you do it again. And again. And while it never gets you what you really want, like alcohol, it takes the edge off for a little while.

I don’t know if any of these things sound like you or not. I hope not. But if they do, I would seriously consider trying to get some help. In particular, you may want to ask a doctor or a psychiatrist to see if there are some medications that can help you feel a little better about yourself—enough to start putting together a plan to become the person you want to be.

As to your ex—the best thing to do is to tell yourself you’ll never see him again—not as a lover, anyway. Work on giving up that idea. It’s just an idea. It’s really just a fantasy. You don’t have to let that fantasy make you do anything. You can choose to treat it as merely an idea. An interesting or sad idea, but one that you can let go, since it really has nothing useful to do in your life.

you can’t

You must have said something that really got to him. All you can do is stop appearing to be desperate and just go on with your life. Apologize to him if you haven’t already and just let him know that you are terribly sorry for hurting him and you hope someday he can forgive you. Don’t expect a second chance because sometimes you just don’t get a second chance. Just try to leave in good terms and maybe you can be friends later.

You can’t really do anything to change his mind. All you can do is try to make it appear to him that you are working on becoming a better person in response to the breakup. Usually the best way to do that is to try to actually be a better person.

If he has requested space – and it seems he has, implicitly if not explicitly – the first, and really the only, step to take, is to respect that request and give him space. It may take several years of space for the situation to change. Or it may never change.

time takes time.
in my experience.
they always come back.
even if it takes a while.
I know it’s hard, but just try to at least make him believe
you’ve let it go, and let the time pass.

Okay.
For the record I’m not an alcholic. I rarely drink because I know when I do I make stupid decisions.I tried drinking this whole thing away but it didn’t help so I stopped. I am admitediy a sex addict, though. Before I was with this guy I was actually an abstinace advocate… I decided I wanted to sleep with him and then kinda turned into a nympho.
(lord, I am soooooo screwed up). Everything most of you have said I’ve played over in my head before. I go through this circle of blaming him, deciding it was all my fault, feeling like I’m over it and the running into him and feeling everything rush back.

I am perfectly aware that I am pathetic, rediculous, and on the verge of despicable.

I’m in the middle of rebuilding myself. No matter what I do, and no matter what I try, though, I just want him. In my whole life I’ve never felt so comfortable or safe with anyone as with him. I trusted him with all my secrets. I gave him my heart and then screwed it all up. If there was one thing in my past I could change it would be this. I’m pretty sure hell never take me back. I know if I was him I wouldn’t. Ill always wish he would though.I feel like a freaking nutcase. Iwas hoping someone would tell me something I hadn’t thought of. But apparently all I can do is move on. Any tips on that?

Work on yourself first. Get used to being alone, you don’t need someone to complete you. Once you realize being single doesn’t implode the world the better off you are. Go get a 40 and read in the park, that is how I deal with loneliness.

How to move on? Find new hobbies—take classes—something that will totally occupy your mind. I can’t tell about your interests from your posts so far, but if you like physical activity, maybe sign up for martial arts classes. It will definitely occupy your mind and body if you take anything martial arts (my favorite is aikido—the deflective martial arts!)

If you don’t want to spend the money on classes, look online for different projects. Buy an old wooden chair and upcycle it. Paint a room. Learn cross-stitch or batik. Learn how to mix music—whatever interests you! For me, I fill my hours with projects when I’m depressed and need to let go of someone. It doesn’t work on the first day, but it gives me a sense of moving on as the projects become complete and eventually, it does work.

I am perfectly aware that I am pathetic, rediculous,(sic) and on the verge of despicable.

These are vague and really very unhelpful terms and you need to focus on why you behave the way you do and not what to call it.

I would strongly suggest that you get some professional help to sort through your various kinds of self-destructive and futile behavior. It has nothing to do with this guy…

If I had a degree in psychology, I would speculate that you need to examine your childhood, your parents and most particularly your relationship with your father. (But I don’t, so I won’t.)

In order to have a happy, fulfilling and long-lasting relationship, you must bring a strong and integrated and clear-headed you to the partnership.

Promiscuity, impulsiveness and heavy drinking are not good tools, to put it mildly.

@gailcalled , my dad died the week after I broke up with this guy. He was my favorite person in the whole world….
My ex was pretty much exactly like my dad. I am of the opinion that this is part of why I’m so attached to him.

My dad was the person who talked me out of doing all sorts of stupid shit. If he was still here I doubt I’d even be thinking of my ex at all.

I’m sorry for your loss, @emjay. This seems to be all the more reason why you should start talking to a professional. You’ve got a lot of things going on here, grief from two sources, self-destructive and ‘acting out’ behavior, apparent self-esteem issues, and borderline additive behaviors.

My ex was pretty much exactly like my dad. I am of the opinion that this is part of why I’m so attached to him.

My dad was the person who talked me out of doing all sorts of stupid shit. If he was still here I doubt I’d even be thinking of my ex at all.

@emjay: You see how clear-headed you can be. You have started down the path to self=awareness; now get someone to help you navigate the shoals. You have some serious grief issues to work through as well. And sad to say (tragically really) you can never get your dad back.

A good therapist can really help. Go thou and get some relief and some good tools.

The poet, Mary Oliver, said, “Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?”

Don’t waste another second of yours, please.

I haven’t read the answers above, however, I’d highly recommend that somehow (perhaps in a letter) first and foremost you apologize! Be truthful, do not give excuses, just own up to what happened… and how you were at fault. Nothing more and certainly nothing less.
Then after some time has passed perhaps you can contact him again for a cup of coffee to catch up and who knows…

If you are a sex addict (or a love addict) then you can go to a twelve step group in your area to help you cope with that.

I’ve been to such a group, and it was somewhat helpful, but in the end I decided I wasn’t a love addict. I had already left the group by then, at the behest of my wife. I guess she decided I was better already and wasn’t going to be doing any more of that shit.

In any case, you mention abstinence, which is not necessarily a good thing either. The love addict folks talk about abstinence vs anorexia. In either case, you came off the wagon with a big bang, it sounds to me. Sorry; couldn’t help myself.

Obsessing about your ex is part of an addictive process. Personally, I think it’s natural, and I wouldn’t call it an addiction, but others disagree. I think that when you make a big mistake you tend to go round and round with the woulda, coulda, shouldas. You fantasize that getting the guy back will fix everything in your life.

It won’t, and there is nothing you could have done differently. You can only look to the future and stop beating yourself up about the past. To help you do this, I would suggest mindfulness practice. This can be found with therapists, or in classes in a medical setting, or at a Buddhist temple and probably many other places. Mindfulness helps you deal with these thoughts that don’t help. It helps you to give them less importance and let them go.

It’s going to take time, and you just have to work on it. Is therapy a possibility? Can you afford it? Please let us know because if it isn’t realistic, we’ll have to think of other things that might help.

@wundayatta , I’m only nineteen. Paying for therapy is most assuredly not an option.
However… I spent a couple hours with an old friend of mine this afternoon, who happens to be a psych major and has also gone through a lot of relationship problems.
Talking with him really helped, and while I don’t think he quite knew what to say about everything, somehow I came away this amazing peace of mind. A kind of….. Que sera sera type of thing. If all I do is sit around and think about how I screwed up…. My life will pass by and ill be left with even less nothing than I have now.
So I’ve decided to take up violin and jogging. (hey… Maybe ill try both at once and start a new fad). I’m going to attempt to take a break from men for a few months and figure out who I am.
Thanks everyone! I knew you fluther people had the answers! (I’m not really new here. Used to be a jellie named starshine). Anyway. Stay awesome everyone!

@emjay

Thank your friend. That’s how good counseling works. The counselor shouldn’t ever “give you answers”, but should ask questions and listen. And that’s all. It’s up to you to come to the answers, realizations, and eventually the peace of mind that you apparently did find.

@emjay: Good start, but it usually takes more than one chat to change ingrained behavior. And often periodic checks under the hood.

Surely there is a free support group in your “hood. Are you near a university or college? They often have free programs. And there will be the PhD’s or MDs who are specializing in therapy who need to do their practicums (which are always supervsed.)

And if you have the itch, simply masturbate. It’s free, it’e easy, it requires no attention to grooming or wardrobe and there’s no irritating pillow talk afterwards.

@gailcalled , I live about an hour from any kind of university. My friend said he’s always happy to help, though, especially with stuff like this. I’m not really the group type. I’ve looked into some addiction support groups…. As far as I know there is only one in this town and my ex’s dad is a member… So that’s not exactly choice.

@emjay: Your ex’s dad is a deal breaker, I agree.

There are also specialized on-line forums where like-minded people can support each other. Fluther is fun but too diverse/ There are too many distractions about dreams, jr. high school melodrama, porn fantasies, and eponymous “stupid questions.”

@emjay

Whether you’re religious or not, ministers, priests and rabbis do this sort of thing pro bono, too. In most cases, you don’t even need to be “part of the flock”, or even a member of that denomination. And you can usually find one or more in any town.

@emjay I think it’s great your friend was able to help that way. Your take-home lesson is that this can be useful. You’re going to need more because it isn’t easy to retain calmness. You’re lucky if it lasts even half a day.

I think @CWOTUS’ idea about looking for religious officials to help you for free could be good, if they can give you advice you can follow. Asking God for help may or may not be possible, depending on what your beliefs are. In my mind, though, it is related to the mindfulness process, because it involves giving up your sense of control over things, and that can be very freeing.

Yeah, there is that, @wundayatta. But I’ve met a lot of clergy who tailor their pastoral counseling to who is sitting in front of them. If it’s not “one of the faithful”, then they generally understand that they have to stay here in the real world. But that’s certainly not automatic, by any means.

@CWOTUS , @wundayatta , back in my abstinant days I was quite religious, and I still believe in God I just don’t like the whole church institution. It’s a long story…
I guess I could look into finding a pastor to talk to though. This town has two churches on every corner!

So in the last week, I’ve started dating, and then decided we weren’t dating this guy about three times. This guy, not being my ex, but another guy. He knows about my problems. He knows I’m trying to work through them. Last night I was put in the same situation I put my ex in not so very long ago…
Here’s how the conversation went:
“Do you want to have sex?”
“No. Why, do you? I’m busy.”
“No, but my friend does.”
“Good god, what am I? A hooker?”
“No, he wouldn’t pay you. You asked me the other day if I had any single friends, and he’s one…” (I asked this jokingly a few days ago)
“Thanks. Don’t talk to me anymore.”
“It was a joke. Wow. You thought I was serious? I’m sorry”
“Asshole! I’m trying not to cry right now. Not. Funny.”
And then he showed up at my work, saying how it wasn’t his fault, and that his friend wanted him to say it. Then he left and went to the bar.

So all this time while I’m at work, I’m thinking, you typed it in, you hit send. You didn’t have to. You did it. It’s your fault. Own up to it.

Something you should know about me, I RARELY cry. The only men that have made me cry are my dad (when he died) and my ex, and now this on/off boyfriend of mine.

This morning he texted me again saying that he didn’t think we should date at all, because HIS ex really screwed him up, and that he didn’t mean to be disrespectful and he thinks we’ll be friends for a long time to come, but he doesnt think I can ever love him, and I need to find someone I can really love.

I’m okay with the fact that he doesn’t want to date me anymore. Honestly, I don’t want to talk to him.

But I think, through all this, I finally understand why my ex doesnt want to talk to ME. I wasn’t trying to pimp him out, but I made him think I only wanted him around for sex, and that I didn’t care what he had to say. And while I have no way to be sure of what went through his head, knowing how this feels makes me more than sick. I understand why he won’t forgive me, and why he gives me dirty looks across parking lots.

And strangely, knowing how it feels now, I can let him go.
Weird that that’s what it took.
Anyway. Thought you guys would want to know, even though its sorta TMI.

Thanks for sharing. You sure do have interesting friends.

@CWOTUS… um. yeah, I think I need some new ones. LOL