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misty123's avatar

Need help correcting the story?

Asked by misty123 (407points) October 12th, 2011

I just created a following story. It’s about the superstitions and people’s disbelief.

The cawing crows on a leafless tree never know how many souls they will have to make free in a day and dying men never know which crow will make them free, some time later one of the crows leaves the tree & makes a soul free. The fool crow gets delighted as he becomes the first to have made/to make the soul free, but actually he is used to sitting there awaiting to quench his appetite and not to make a soul free, but in the real sense, the great soul leaves the body immediately after death and becomes sacred. The soul begins a new journey by accepting a new body and the almighty, omniscient and omnipotent lord keeps the cycle to be continued.

Can the sentence in bold also be written like,

The fool crow gets delighted as he becomes the first crow who has touched.

I want to know the difference between these two and also is this story grammatically correct?


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11 Answers

gailcalled's avatar

Oh, dear. This is really very hard to understand. Perhaps start by making each sentence shorter.

And state a clear premise about the roll of a crow in liberating souls (whose? Men’s? Other crows?

You are using too many abstracts and vague statements. What’s “the fool crow”? Who’s the “omniscient and omnipotent lord”?

Is English your native language?

misty123's avatar

No. English is not my native language.

The fool crow- the one who leaves the tree first.

I have used Lord instead of God. I mean to say omnipotent and omniscient God.

I meant to say about this sentence,

but actually he is used to sitting there awaiting to quench his appetite and not to make a soul free.

The crow was sitting in the tree just before one of the men died.

CWOTUS's avatar

You might suggest some of this text to the cartoonist in Questionable Content. Some of it seems to be up his alley. A dark alley with a lot of strange twists, and a pit that opens up to Hell. And dragons. I’m sure there are spiders there, too. With wings.

gailcalled's avatar

Interestingly, it is essentially grammatically perfect.

But, sentence by sentence, it makes no sense.

What is the story you are trying to tell? Explain it in a few, unflowery sentences.

misty123's avatar

The main part of the story would be, people should not believe in wrong things and traditions.

In Hinduism, it is believed that after death when human beings are burnt, then on 10th day they follow this ritual. Just go through this and this link.

wundayatta's avatar

Ok. So here’s my version of the story—my attempt to understand what you were trying to say. I’m sure I’ve got it wrong, but that’s what I made up that you were trying to say:

The crows sitting and cawing on the barren tree never know how many souls they will have to free in a day. The souls of dead men never know which crow will fly away, freeing them.

The first to leave—the fool crow—is delighted to free a soul. He flies off, though, to fill his stomach; not to free a soul. Not that it matters. Each soul leaves the body immediately after death; sacred once again. It starts its journey again inside a new body; as the almighty spirit tends the never-ending cycle of death and renewal.

misty123's avatar

@wundayatta : You have almost made it. I think I should omit the sentence about the Lord.


misty123's avatar

Now, Is id okay to send it to my friend who believes in such superstitions or is there any incorrect words , sentences or meaningless thoughts?

Jeruba's avatar

@misty123, “to have made” is the answer to your question about the verb.

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