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trailsillustrated's avatar

Should I be angry and freaked out? Or should I shut up? (please see details)

Asked by trailsillustrated (16466points) October 14th, 2011

So I have written on here before that I am in a very rural area, taking care of my 88 year old father. We have finally arranged to bring him back to town, and my older sister, whom I love to bits. has taken care of all the logistics. She has come here with her husband, whom she has been married to for about five years. ( I am living with them back in town, if you can follow this). I don’t think her husband likes me, and never has. In town, I hide in my room or absent my self often. So, tonight, her husband went into the back of my father’s house, ( it’s a nine bedroom house) and returned with my flask of vodka in his hand. I am not a drunk and had it there for the entire month and half that I have been here. It was in the drawer of my bedside table. I was shocked and upset that of all the rooms he should enter that one, and look into a bed side drawer. I said, “what were you doing in my room?” and he replied that he did not know it was my room. Did he not see the pink socks on the floor, the jewelery that he would know is mine on top of the table, the open computer on the bed, the clothes that are mine strewn around the room? Is this weird? Or not? I don’t know what to think.

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24 Answers

Sunny2's avatar

Sounds very intrusive. Ask him about it when your sister is present

Hawaii_Jake's avatar

Is it possible to have a calm family discussion which includes all the adults (except your father) about house rules? It seems to me that he should have known it was your room and should have asked permission to enter. I would be a little freaked out by his intrusion, and I might question him on it. I would not do anything without your sister present, though.

I am not a psychologist, so I can’t say what is absolutely best in this situation. However, it seems to me that setting up some boundaries is in order.

Dog's avatar

I agree with @Hawaii_Jake on this one. It is not a good feeling that someone is riffling through your belongings- and then taking things out.

What do you think he intended to do with the vodka? Was it to shame you or for him to drink?

Can you put a lock on the door?

As far as how to approach him on this, I would be calm and polite and ask him to refrain from entering your room again. (Then get a lock!)

Jeruba's avatar

I have an idea that he already knew it was there before he fetched it out tonight. In other words, his snooping started earlier than this.

Returned to where? Where did this take place, and who was there? Was your sister present for this scene? Do you know what prompted his foray, or was it just an unprefaced and unannounced departure and return? I mean, it’s a different picture if you’re all watching TV together and your sister says “I could sure use a bloody Mary” and her husband answers, “I know where there’s some vodka,” or if, say, you’re alone clearing away the dinner things and he just marches into your room, comes back, and thumps the flask down on the table with an accusing glare at you.

I agree that a three-way discussion is in order, and I think you should be clear about the boundaries you want him to respect.

trailsillustrated's avatar

@Jeruba at my father’s home, we don’t live here, I have been here for a month and a half taking care of him- my sister and her husband came to get us and close up the house to return to town, the house will be sold. They have plenty of booze which they brought, they aren’t actually staying here, they are in a guest house up the street.They were here and my sister and I were packing- her husband got up and wandered away and returned to where we were with my flask. That’s why I’m freaked out sort of because of all the rooms to roam, why mine? it looks lived in!

Bellatrix's avatar

His behaviour would disturb me. It is highly intrusive and I find it hard to believe he did not know it was your room. Like @Jeruba, I am curious as to what you think his motive was? I agree with @Hawaii_Jake you need to have a calm talk about this, while your sister is present, and set some boundaries about personal space. If that doesn’t work I would seriously consider putting a lock on my bedroom door. We all need private space.

After reading the response you just posted, I can see putting a lock on your door wont work. Does he go into your room at their home? Regardless of where you end up living, you still need to have this conversation. It is a gross invasion of your privacy.

Tbag's avatar

In what universe he did not know it was your room?! Come on, he does know and I question his motives. I agree with the guys in here but as for you getting freaked out or pissed? None! As the others said, try to keep calm and ask him when your sister is there. Him hanging out in your room for whatever intentions, what’s up with that?! @Hawaii_Jake lays it best out there. Talk to him when your sister is there.

cookieman's avatar

I don’t believe for a second that he didn’t know it was your room. Whether he likes you or not, he’s full of shit.

I agree you should discuss this with your sister present. Best of luck.

bkcunningham's avatar

I get the part about your privacy and that he went through your personal things, @trailsillustrated, but what did he do when he returned with your flask? Did he do it in a confrontational type of way, like, “Who has liquor in this house!?” What was his point in bringing the flask out of your room? Was he “telling on you” so to speak for having alcohol?

jca's avatar

I agree with @bkcunningham – what did he do after handing you the flask and how did he handle it?

CaptainHarley's avatar

You don’t need anyone to tell you how to feel about this. His action was indefensible and you would be perfectly within your rights to tell him to mind his own business and kindly refrain from snooping about your house.

Meego's avatar

Ok I understand he did it and all and everyone says go to him. I happen to think opposite I have a “brother in law” (if you want to call him that) who sounds the same. I on the other hand have a pretty good relationship with my sister.

So I would tell her. She married the guy.
Let her freak out or say whatever. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. It depends on your relationship with your sister, but usually a wife will set a husband right when it comes to any wrongdoing exspecially if it’s family the husband is messing with.

Good luck whatever you do.

Be like a hawk now around your brother in law, lord knows what else he’s been up to.

chyna's avatar

Has he been digging around in your panty drawer too? I would be super mad. It is not his house, it is your father’s house and he has no right to be snooping in your room. But I agree with the calm approach of a family meeting and discussing rules and bounderies.

snowberry's avatar

Set some mouse traps in your panty drawer, and keep another stash for everyday use somewhere else! If nothing else it would be good for laughs!

rebbel's avatar

“Well, there is no way that I can tell whether you did or did not know that that room is mine, but let me tell you this, just so we’re clear: I don’t want you to ever step foot in it again.”
“You do realize that this is considered trespassing if you do so without permission?”
“Now, hand me back my booze.”

chyna's avatar

Standing ovation for @rebbel !!!

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

What did he do with the bottle of vodka when he found it?

tranquilsea's avatar

The best time to have dealt with this would have been in the moment. There is no reason for him to have brought out the vodka unless he really didn’t know you were sleeping there (he could be really obtuse) or he was trying to confront you about drinking.

If it was the former he should have offered up an apology for intruding in your space. If it was the latter then he has a pretty large pair of gonads and you should have rebuked him.

I’m very curious too: what did he say or do when he showed you the bottle and you asked him what he was doing there?

trailsillustrated's avatar

The thing that freaked me out the most is that the flask was in a bedside table drawer-that was closed. he would have had to open the drawer. My sister acted as shocked as I was, and demanded to know what he was doing in there. He seemed embarassed and chastised. I snatched the flask and said” it belongs to me” – I think he knew I was very angry. Whey he went in there and took it, and showed it to us at all is a mystery.

Simone_De_Beauvoir's avatar

@trailsillustrated Was this some kind of a backasswards way of ‘proving’ you had a ‘drinking problem’?

Response moderated (Spam)
Meego's avatar

Ok post a very visible sign on any door you dwell in:

SHOPLIFTERS WILL BE BEATEN, TRAMPLED AND STOMPED ON SURVIVORS WILL BE PROSECUTED

CaptainHarley's avatar

“Trespassers will be shot. Survivors will be shot again.”

“Perpetrators will be violated.”

snowberry's avatar

LOLOL! Yeah!

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