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elspethe's avatar

How can I deal with an abusive mother when I have come to her home to heal?

Asked by elspethe (167points) October 20th, 2011

I have been at my mother’s home for one week and feel the life is being drained from me at a time when I desperately need comfort. I have been through terrible ordeals: vicious divorce, physical attack from an employer…but these things are of no interest to her. What can I change in MYSELF or what kind of conversation can I have with her to improve things? I am stuck in the country without even access to her car. Thank you.

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11 Answers

wundayatta's avatar

Wow! That sounds horrible! I hope you can find a way to get out of there asap. But meanwhile, I’m not sure. Your relationship with your mother has been established for decades, I presume. It’s really hard to change things like that. If you could get her to come to therapy with you, that might help.

Otherwise, you can tell her what you want and don’t want. No reasons and don’t listen to her arguments or defenses. Just tell her what you want. She might tell you you’re selfish or any other ridiculous thing. Don’t hear it. Just stay on message.

“I am here to heal, Mom. You can help my in this way.” Like a broken record. Don’t let her get you off message. Don’t reply to her defenses. Don’t defend yourself. Just say what you want, over and over.

She’s a mother. Parents always break down sooner or later. Keep telling her what you want.

plethora's avatar

Dear God, bless your heart. You have just described my mother (who, thank God, is now deceased). Draining the life out of you? I know exactly what you mean. No interest, no help, no comfort, no listening ear? I know, I know.

@wundayatta ‘s advice is good. Get her to go to therapy with you? Good luck. That’s what I tried first. It lasted for one visit.

I am speaking from my own experience. If it is helpful, wonderful. If not, I do sympathize with you. I finally decided, in my mother’s case, that she was so narcissistic that she really did not care about me at all, and as the years went by she proved that to me.

I never was in a situation like you are. My only advice for any improvement at all is to get away as soon as you can. She is one of your worst enemies. A cold bare room would be better. A narcissist will simply kill you with her personality. You are not at fault.

smilingheart1's avatar

I don’t know what age you are but if you are quite into adulthood, you can heal without her but it is going to take some concerted effort. You are in a tight spot right now, that’s for sure. Can you get out of the house as much as possible?

Could a local neighbour give you a ride to town to spend time in libraries, coffee kiosks, whatever? That no doubt isn’t all that practical. Hope you at least can have a little space to go in and close the door and just be still and know that “this too shall pass” and we live in a time where amazing resources, very cost effective are there to help us heal.

Keep fluthering, There is always support here.

JLeslie's avatar

Have you attempted any conversation with her? Or, have you both just been short or arguing with each other? At a calm time maybe take the chance to really open yourself up to her. I would say tell her your plans for the future? Maybe she is stuck thinking of you as a young girl, wondering if you are going to get your act together. Maybe once she sees a plan in place, she will be able to be there for you emotionally? You can present it as she is a partner in getting you back on your feet and how much you appreciate the help.

If that doesn’t work, then look at it like this; your mom serves a practical purpose. A temporary roof over your head, and a way to save money. Be greatful her home was open to you during this difficult time. Get some girlfriends to help you through the emotional crisis. Once back on your feet move out.

marinelife's avatar

Can you go anywhere else? This sounds horrible.

6rant6's avatar

Start with long walks… Find a school to volunteer at.

Jeruba's avatar

Do you have any resources apart from your mother, any at all?
– any money in the bank
– a friend or relative somewhere else
– connection to any kind of organization with a residential facility, such as religious retreat premises, a YWCA hostel, a live-in volunteer setting
– a therapeutic environment that you have coverage for or can afford
In your place, with things as you describe, I would be willing to use any means at my disposal to find a needed place of peace and save all my strength for my own healing process.

Yanaba's avatar

I woud say….even if you are not religious, walk into a church and talk to the pastor. Ask him/her what you should do, what resources there are locally. I have sometimes found an empty church to be a place of peace, healing, and reflection, and I am not religious… and those who work there, provided they won’t push you on the faith part of it, are the closest thing to social workers that many people have. They should know of some resources you might be able to access, and I know in some places at least, it’s against the law or at least their professional code to reveal to anyone what you’re said. Perhaps you also want to start a private journal to help you work through your thoughts? But I would keep it with you, or hidden at all times. Be safe. xx

Boogabooga1's avatar

Just treat her as she treats you then get on with things that make you happy.

Or try the old remedy of drinking a nice warm cup of concrete to help you Harden the f$#k up!

janbb's avatar

Trying to get blood from a stone is very painful; I know, I’ve been there. And yet ” home is the place where when you have to go there, they have to take you in.” if you can realize that you are getting a roof over your head at your mom’s only and find a way to get emotional healing some other way – long walks, a coffee house, reading – it will help. And do move out as soon as you can.

Sunny2's avatar

You are out in the country. Is there any community nearby where you might find some respite? If you can’t get out, perhaps aa social service kind of person could come out to you. Is there a Grange or church community that might provide some access to human beings? Hang on and keep fluthering. Let us know what you find or how we might help.

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