Is texting other women inappropriately and flirting conversations considered cheating or wrong for a married man?

If it feels wrong to you, then it’s probably not alright.

Personally, I would not be okay with my husband flirting via text with anyone but me. That would not be okay with me. He knows this and would feel the same if the tables were turned.

You need to have a sit-down conversation and let him know what is and what is not okay with you. He needs to tell you the same.

Almost all issues can be resolved with direct, open communication.

Your earlier questions seem to deal with the same issues; communication with your husband and serious unresolved differences about this topic.

You are still feeling what you are feeling (labeling it “normal” or “abnormal” really is besides the point) and the passage of time hasn’t, apparently, helped.

Here’s how you phrased it in July 2011:

http://www.fluther.com/124981/how-close-is-too-close-for-opposite-sex-friends-with-married/

You got 49 well-thought-out and useful answers, not all in lock-step.

We can repeat what we said, but why aren’t you actually doing something to help yourself rather than continue to brood and then listen to him justify, rationalize and attack you?

Good call @gailcalled

This is entirely between the two of you and how you agree to define your relationship. That you have a problem with it means you need to tell him as much, clearly and calmly, and take it from there. What others do is really besides the point.

I don’t think you ever need to ask others about whether or not something is wrong for your relationship because other people believe differently. I’m in an open marriage, so that kind of thing is okay by me. Even others in a monogamous marriage might consider that ‘not going far enough’ or whatever. If it bothers you and he doesn’t care that it bothers you, it’s not just about cheating (which I guess it can be), it’s about basic disrespect.

I would consider it inappropriate behavior to engage in in the first place, even if my wife didn’t have a problem with it. If he knows you have a problem with it yet continues, I think that shows a fundamental lack of respect for your feelings on his part. I would confront him on it.

It is kind of an emotional cheat. Anything that takes away from the emotional closeness of the martiage relationship is pretty mich a cheat. So, harmless firting here and there I would say isno big deal. But consistant flirting, especially with the same person, outside of a marriage is harmful. When the fun is more on the putside than the inside of the marriage something needs to be done about the health of the marriage. Men cheat primarily because they feel better about themselves with the new person. That person doesn’t demand much of them, treats them like they are kings, and gives the guy a big ego boost. Flirting is ego boosting.

I flirt at times no question, usually my husband is right there, but I don’t carry on email or text relationships where there is a daily back and forth of flirting, I think it can quickly become innappropriate. Also, if my husband picked up my phone and looked at an exchange I would be fine with it.

I say if you feel insecure about it, then it is a problem. I doubt it is just that he is texting other women, but also that you must wonder about his committment to you, because of how he treats you when he is with you. People tend to not realize that when they cheat, or are distracted by another, they behave differently towards their SO’s. That is how they get caught.

If you have told this fellow that you are not ok with the behavior and he does not respect your wishes there is a problem. Although there is no doubt in my mind that my husband would never cheat on me, I would not be ok with this type of thing because of the wrong idea it might give the women he is texting with. There is also no doubt in my mind that if I asked him to stop he would. As @gailcalled points out, there seem to be some serious trust issues in this relationship. You need to go with your gut on this, have a talk with your man, and find out why he is reluctant to stop doing something that is hurting you so much.

After reading through all of your other questions @leezer30, I’d say it’s time for marriage counseling or a seperation. You have major relationship issues that have been ongoing for over a year now.

Either he’s willing to resolve these issues with you or you need to leave.

If his behavior is compulsive and he can’t stop behaving in inappropriate ways that cause harm and mistrust in your relationship, then YES!

If he has issues with sexually compulsive behavior he IS going to try to make it out to be your insecurities and hangups that are the problem rather than his conduct.

Addicts of all kinds are very clever in devising ways to keep their supply going.

If he is hiding his behaviors from you it is a very bad sign.

If we have nothing to hide we hide nothing.

Only you can decide but, it’s a slippery slope and I’d be very concerned.

I don’t think it is normal and I have seen similar efforts by my friends both male and female who do do this and are clearly not happy in their marriage. My happily married friends are much more respectful to each other.

If this is your husband’s established pattern of behavior during your entire marriage and prior to your marriage when you were dating, then he is unlikely to change.

For me, it would not be OK. I would never partner with a guy who did that. It just doesn’t work for me.

But I know couples where it works fine, but both people are OK with it.

So since you are not OK with it and he is, you have to make a decision on whether or not to stay with him. If you decide to stay with him, you probably will need some counseling to make your peace with his personality.

I talk to a lot of women in person and on the internet.

Its okay to have a woman friend, just as long as its not a girlfriend.

I also talk to a lot of men friends on the internet.

Talk is talk and okay as long as it does not cross the line.

I don’t think it’s cheating, but it’s something that can lead to cheating. But, my feelings about your husband’s behavior are mixed. The fact that he continues to do it when he knows it bothers you shows a lack of respect for you, for your feelings and your relationship; on the other hand, the fact that he ended one of these “relationships” when it went too far shows that there is clearly a line for him, one that he won’t cross. That says a lot about him too. I don’t think there is any problem, necessarily, with married men having women friends, but the flirting, that is a problem, I think, particularly since he knows it bothers you. I think that is inappropriate.

Read up on narcissism.

Narcissistic people have very shakey self esteem and need constant attention to maintain a sense of worth and emotional stability.
They use others as sources of egoic supply.
These are the most likely types to cheat in their relationships because of their intense need for external validation.

They are grossly self absorbed and they don’t give a shit how their behavior effects others as long as they are getting what they want.

They make very poor relationship partners and sneaky is their middle name.

It’s like he’s saying I’m not fishing because I haven’t caught anything.

I haven’t read all the other replied but I think that there is a good common sense rule of thumb that applies equally to both partners.

Whatever is going on either visually, conversationally or otherwise, ask yourself the simple question “if my spouse were present with me (or reading over my shoulder) would that make me uncomfortable?”

If the answer is “yes” that’s a red flag and a clear danger signal. It doesn’t mean that anything has happened (or maybe ever will) but it’s a definite danger signal.

And a sensible person who values their marriage will avoid potentially dangerous situations at all costs because they love their spouse. That’s just plain unarguable common sense.

If your husband doesn’t see the point of why he should be asking himself that one simple Q, then it’s time for the two of you to be seeing a marriage counselor.

If he’s willing to give you access to all his emails and texts with these various women then it’s probably not as big a deal as you may think it is. If not, he needs to answer TO HIMSELF exactly why not.

Here is another truism that covers a wide variety of situations and variables :

Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.

Sounds a bit simple but contains valuable truth. Read it again and think about it.

I just went back and read all of your questions and responses.

Your husband sounds very self centered and immature and he is kind of using you as an unpaid cleaning lady/sex partner at his_own_ convenience. It troubles me that you are still unsure if his actions (and inactions, meaning: knocking off some of his troubling behaviors and activities) are “normal” or “OK.” Some of his actions can be considered outright cheating, in my book, and some of the other behaviors a kind of in that gray psuedo-cheating stage. But most of his actions are highly disrespectful to you and the women he’s carrying on with. Although some of the women may be fully aware of what he’s doing and get a charge out of participating in these illicit or semi-illicit activities with a married man.

I think you know in your heart of hearts that what he’s doing is wrong, but because he’s bullied you into doing what he wants, he’s made you feel guilty for even daring to think that he might be doing something wrong. This guy does exactly as he pleases without any regard for your feelings or how his actions might effect these women if they become smitten with him (or don’t know that he’s married) or how it will make the children feel if they find out that their daddy or step daddy (some of the kids are his and some are yours right?) is putting the whole family dynamic in jeopardy.

He may not have hit you (has he?) but he is being emotionally abusive towards you. It pains me to know that you have been putting up with this bad treatment for a long time and I fear that if you don’t leave him soon, his cr*ppy behavior is eventually going to lead to violence.

Take a look at this site which describes Abusive Behavior

You are probably one of those nice people who try to do the right thing and not cause waves, even at the expense of your own mental and physical health. You also probably think that you can fix your husband. Only your husband can fix himself, and so far it looks like he doesn’t even think there is a problem, therefore nothing to fix.

Your husband has probably also made you feel very insecure and small and worthless and so you have taken his sh*t because he made you feel like you deserved to be treated poorly.

I think you need to make a very big decision, maybe with the help of a counselor, or some strong friends and relatives (who will let you lean on them and offer you support) to leave your husband. I know that sounds scary and drastic, but you, my dear are in a really bad situation and because your husband doesn’t believe that he is part of the problem, he is not going to be part of the solution.

You should start making a plan now, for how you will leave, when you will leave, how the children will be cared for (whether you take them with you, or leave them with him, or let them stay with relatives until this whole mess is sorted out) and how you will retrieve enough money, ahead of time, to plan and execute your escape. You need to make plans for where you will live, when you leave him. You need to decide whether any legal action, other than divorce needs to be taken. You should contact a lawyer. You might need to enlist the help of some strong burly male friends and relatives (especially if you know someone in law enforcement) to help you move, or to provide protection for you if your husband causes any trouble when you try to leave. Get your plan in place before you actually leave.

If you need help making a plan, you can contact someone from the National Violence Hotline Website And you can call them directly at 1−800−799−SAFE(7233) or TTY 1−800−787−3224.

Please be safe.

@Kardamom, thanks for the advice. You definetly hit home on all points. I have known for a long time his actions are wrong and I have communicated with him my concerns only to be told that he is doing nothing wrong and all he has done is try to make me trust him and he even gets angry with me because he says I make him feel like a cheater. He has accused me of taking all the fun and playfulness out of texting and accused me of making him feel like a prisoner and holding the past over his head. He hides women’s numbers in his phone under different names and when I find out he blames me. We work at the same place and there is constant talk of him having affairs with other women . He even spent the night with one of these women when we had a fight but swears nothing happened. I had hoped that he would change but after 4 yrs of the same stuff I see now that he will never change. All of this abuse has killed my self esteem and my spirit. Thank you all for your great answers.

@leezer30

Honey, you will be AMAZED how quickly you will get you back once you leave this ass.
It’s not your fault, DO NOT let him lay that trip on you!

Get out, get better and shine like the star you were meant to be!

Most of us women have to have at least one experience with a complete fuck up to learn our lessons. LEARN from this! :-)

@leezer30 I kind of figured that you knew the answer, but it is hard and scary to have to say it out loud. It’s a bummer that you also have to work with him and put up with all of the chatter and gossip. You may have to get another job too.

I’m not saying any of this will be easy, but start making your plan to leave him today. And get help from as many willing friends and relatives that you can. It’s much eaiser to create a plan and implement it, when you’ve got people supporting you and watching your back.

That support team can also be very useful, for when you have a weak momen and might think that you’ll give it one more try with your husband. Try to avoid that urge. I wish you luck. Please keep in touch with us : )

I’m 45 yrs old and I’m a female who’s being married and also single. I say, where there is smoke, there is fire, and it’s played out true at least 90% of the time.

A partner who values the other isn’t going to justify behaviors that appear threatening or disrespectful, a loving and involved partner wants their mate at ease and confident. I don’t think your husband is normal, I think he selfish.

For anyone married, regardless of whether it’s a man or a woman, to text someone of the opposite sex for the purposes of flirting, or messaging inappropriate messages, is wrong, especially if it’s done repeatedly. It’s not cheating in the classic definition of the word, but underhanded, deceptive, unscrupulous, and immoral. I would lose the trust I have for my wife if I found out if she did that, because it’s actually like the “first step” in real cheating.

If you have a problem with it, it’s definitely a problem. It’s your and your husband’s feelings that matter here, and if it’s making you unhappy, you have the right to deem it wrong for your relationship. It’s especially a problem if you’ve voiced your feelings on it to him, and he disregards them and continues doing what he’s doing.

He spent the night with one of the women and he says nothing happened? Of course he is going to say nothing happened.

You say he gets angry at you when you bring up the topic of the texting. That is a technique people use as a smokescreen. Get angry, throw a fit, throw the other person off guard, make you think it means so much to him that it upsets him so. Then blame you for upsetting him. Either way you can’t win. Four years of this? The writing is on the wall.

If you would like to, please post an update as to how things turn out for you.

JCA
The Update Lady